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"Mary! Mary!"

Mary! Mary! (1976) is a porn classic, and stars Constance Money and John Leslie. As the film opens, an underwater camera watches Money swimming in a pool, then Leslie joins her for underwater sex. When his chronic premature ejaculation rears its ugly head, she gets out and starts berating him. He finally says he would sell his soul to keep an erection. Satan, of course, smells a sale, and trades him a jar of cream that can be applied externally or used in food that will make him always ready. It works.

We then see several couplings, including him getting head from his secretary, a three way with her sister, Money having a lesbian scene with a dress clerk, and then the two of them gang up on the gay owner, all leading up to a big party, where they feed everyone the cream, for a wild orgy scene. This recent DVD release was mastered from a VHS, and the quality leaves much to be desired. Most of the sex is filmed either with closeups, or fellatio, or the back of a man's butt going up and down, so I only did images of Constance Money. This was her first film, and, even though she made very few by porn standards, she is still one of the most popular women from early porn. The Opening of Misty Beethoven is her signature film.

As this is a hardcore, and she was on camera a lot, we see her from every possible angle, and there are some good lesbian kisses as well. For me, Money is the only reason to watch this one. The other sex scenes were not very erotic, and the plot was weak by classic porn standards. C-.

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  • Constance Money (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)

    "The Road to Wellville"

    The Road to Wellville (1994) is finally coming to DVD, but, unfortunately, in a featureless 4/3 version. The good news is that the image quality is excellent. The film is set in turn of the century Battle Creek, Michigan, and is a spoof of health spas and fads. Bridget Fonda and husband Matthew Broderick come to the resort run by Dr. Kellog (Anthony Hopkins) for the cure. The spa is all about cleansing the colon, and treatment includes 5 high colonics per day, a strict vegetarian diet, no smoking or drinking, and absolutely no sex. Broderick is deemed critical, and is assigned to the care of top nurse Graves (Traci Lind). He becomes immediately smitten both by her, and the woman across the hall (Lara Flynn Boyle).

    In a parallel story, John Cusack is in town to start a cereal company, and brings in Kellog's black sheep adopted son (Dana Carvey) to take advantage of the name recognition. While Broderick is romancing Boyle and Lind, Fonda is lured to some other fringe treatment specialists, and finally goes to Dr. Spitzvogel, who "manipulates her womb." Fonda shows breasts, first in a milk bath, then, near the end, while having her womb manipulated on a picnic. Lind shows buns and breasts when Broderick mentally undresses her, and exposes a nipple in a great down-blouse. Boyle shows breasts being mentally undressed, then later as a prelude to sex with Broderick.

    IMDB readers say 5.1 of 10. Critics are split 50/50. Ebert, for instance, really enjoyed it and awarded 3 stars, but admitted that it wasn't for everyone. Berardinelli saw it as a 2 hour fart joke that went on about 90 minutes too long, and awarded 2 stars. The cinematography is lovely, and was nominated for one international award. I enjoy this film, which never takes itself seriously, but not everyone will agree. The proper score is C.

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  • Bridget Fonda (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Lara Flynn Boyle (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Traci Lind (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    Scoop is taking a few days off but will return next week with new 'caps, comments and other crap.

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Site News
    Charlie's 'Caps of French Cinema Nudity has been updated!

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    A little variety today...

    First up, scans of Rachel Roberts from the latest Gear. Lots of cleavage and mild pokiosity; clear see-through in #2.

    • Rachel Roberts (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Next up, s'more caps of Krista Allen in Emmanuelle: A Time to Dream. The key four words of the day are: Krista Allen, full frontal.

    • Krista Allen (1, 2)

    Finally...A double treat of sorts: another collage of Barbara Crampton, topless, in Prince of Bel Air. She is joined by Leslie Winston, who plays her topless sister. Leslie made a name earlier in her career playing Cindy Walton. Goodnight, John-boy.

    The Night
    'Caps and comments by The Night

    Monique van de Ven
    (1, 2)

    Topless in scenes from the Dutch movie "Iris" (1987). You can forget about the movie and just Fast Forward to the nudity.

    Susan Penhaligon A very good looking lady with the right breast size, topless in "Soldaat van Oranje"...aka "Soldier of Orange" (1977).

    Saffron Burrows
    (1, 2, 3)

    Last week, someone on a DVD messageboard said Saffron showed some boobs in "Enigma", so I rented it yesterday and here's what I found.

    As you can see, she indeed shows her boobs, but the lighting of the scene is such that I can't make more visable in the caps because it gets way to bright then. Anyway her boobs are fine but she sure needs more food, looks to me that she lost weight since that Deep blue sea movie.

    Beverly D'Angelo
    (1, 2)

    Another very pretty woman, an nekkid in scenes from "Hair" is a great bonus. Didn't know she was married with Al Pacino and that she deliverd a twin last year. Well Lucky Al.

    Brenda Strong
    (1, 2, 3)

    I remember her has the captain of the starship in Starship Troopers. Too bad she was killed by that darn door. Since then I was looking for nudity of her and I found it in the movie "Undercurrent".

    The Night invites you to visit his site at

    Barbara Bouchet Topless in scenes from the Italian flick, "40 gradi all'ombra del lenzuolo" aka "Sex with a Smile" (1976).

    Carla Romanelli
    (1, 2)

    Breasts, and a little bush from "L'Infermiera" aka "The Sensuous Nurse" (1976).

    Clio Goldsmith The French actress going topless in scenes from "La Cicala" (1980).

    Dayle Haddon Baring breasts and bum in "40 gradi all'ombra del lenzuolo".

    Manuela Arcuri Very nice breast and bum views in scenes from "Pepe Carvalho: Alla ricerca di Sherazade (1999).

    Sylvia Kristel The original Emmanuelle topless in 1979's "Letti selvaggi".

    Ursula Andress The original Bond babe also topless in "Letti selvaggi".

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "CQ" is Campy, weird movie about a film crew in 1969 Paris making a Sci-Fi set in 2001. It has some funny moments, but character studies like this one kind of bore me, however, it did bring back some interesting memories about the kind of movies coming out around that time.

    Unfortunately, the best (nude) scenes with Élodie Bouchez were filmed in grainy black and white making the quality of those scenes really crappy, but that's the effect they were going for.

    RDO Answers the Call
    Here's what I have of Jennifer Ashley for the Brain man. My VHS copy was poor, too, but all I could find at the time.
    • Jennifer Ashley topless and some rear nudity in scenes from "Tintorera" (1977). (1, 2)

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Wow! Someone She Can't Intimidate! - A spokesman for the House committee investigating insider trading said they have new evidence that they've been lied to and have "reached the end of the road with Martha Stewart" and her excuses for not voluntarily testifying. Next week, they could subpoena Stewart or refer her case to the Justice Department for a criminal investigation.

  • Martha's next project will be making decorative-yet-functional license plates.
  • They're like one of Martha's dinner party guests: fed up.
  • They noticed that the calendar in her magazine read, "August 20: Organize china cabinet, lie to Congress."

    Or More Sitcoms With Ridiculously Cute Kids - Swedish politician Teres Kirpikli says that not enough babies are being born in Sweden, but she has a solution to boost the birth rate: she wants more porn on TV. She said, "For example, every Saturday, all day. That will give people the lust to have sex." There were outraged calls for her to step down, but she dismissed them. She said there's nothing wrong with a married couple watching porn, that she and her husband both enjoy it, and she believes most people like porn and just won't admit it.

  • They like it so much, they prefer to just watch.
  • How exactly will a lot of masturbation increase the birth rate?
  • This would never work in America...Guys have to watch sports all day Saturday.

    So Much Looniness, Where Do You Start? - Angelina Jolie gave Marie Claire magazine a list of the "top ten things she wants to do before she dies." They include: to become a mother; to tell her first husband that she still loves him and is grateful to him for being such a good husband when they were married; to get really good at dancing on the stripper's pole she's having installed in her bedroom; and to be able to just hang out topless in public in nothing but jeans, the way shirtless guys do in the summer.

  • Try it and see if any shirtless guys complain.
  • The bad news: she's saving that last one for when she's 80.
  • Here's something she should try before she dies: "Give an interview that doesn't devolve into a freak fest."

    Just Go Out For Vin Diesel Roles - Britain's Daily Star tabloid claims that Ben Affleck was wrestling around with Vince Vaughn at a party when his carefully-concealed hairpiece flew up in the air. The Star said Ben is very vain, and he was keeping it a big secret that he's going bald. The party guests were all his close friends and swore to keep his embarrassing secret, but it's the talk of Hollywood anyway. He reportedly hasn't even told his new love, Jennifer Lopez, about his hair loss problem.

  • That's okay, she hasn't told him she wears a padded panty girdle.
  • Ted Danson suggested that Ben try his secret: duct tape.
  • It says something about Ben that only his closest friends knew his humiliating secret, and they couldn't wait to tell it.

  • From the Mail Bag
    Hey Scoops,

    I've heard about Miss North Carolina being dethroned for topless pics. Anyone have a copy of these??


    So far we have not seen them...but on that subject, here is a note from Pat Reeder:

    A judge has reinstated Rebekah Revels' Miss North Carolina title, ruling that letting her ex-boyfriend snap private topless photos of her was not a violation of her morals clause and she may compete for Miss America...She won't win, but she's perfect for Miss Congeniality...Besides, it's a requirement that all Miss Americas have a few old nude shots floating around somewhere.