"Nightmare Boulevard"

Nightmare Boulevard (2004) was originally named Quiet Kill. It is supposed to be a crime thriller. Despite an IMDb rating of 5.9 of 10, this film was irritatingly bad. To start with, we have a slasher killing young hookers, and then a slasher killing society women, always in a motel bed, and the only nudity is breast exposure from Tracy Evans Garcia. Add to that a woman dreaming that she dreamt that she woke up from a dream to see something awful.


She finally wakes up, and we learn that the entire film was a nightmare.


Cops are baffled by an L.A. serial killer who seems to be trying to save hookers souls by purifying them by torture then killing them before they can sin again. He never leaves clues or witnesses. Then a society woman's new boyfriend does her in with a similar M. O, except that she isn't a hooker. This is, of course, misdirection for both the police and the audience. One of her friends is not getting any from her workaholic husband, and has time on her hands since her daughter has driven off to college, so naturally fucks the dead friend's boyfriend without knowing her friend is dead. She then tries to dump him, and amazingly, the sicko doesn't like that and becomes a stalker.

Have you had enough yet? I know I have. Nothing terrible about the acting or the production values, so I can't score this as low as I would like. It is an E.

  • Thumbnails

  • Amy Shelton (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    Enigma (1983)

    I agree with Tuna's appraisal that this movie is much too good to have been so easily and completely forgotten. It has a pretty nifty little spy/counterspy plot. Martin Sheen is hired by the CIA to steal a secret encoder from the East Germans, an act which will supposedly save the lives of many dissidents living overseas.

    There are a few things the CIA didn't tell Sheen: the job can't be done, and they need him to fail anyway, so they will undermine his efforts in every way possible!

    You see, it's a cat and mouse game. The Germans have stopped using the encoder because they think the Americans already have it. They are right. The Americans do already have it. Therefore, the Americans have to convince the Germans that they don't have it so that the Germans will start using it again, thus making all of their moves known to the CIA. Is there any way to convince the Germans that the CIA doesn't have the encoder? Sure. Hire Martin Sheen to try to steal it. After all, why would the CIA try to steal something they already have?

    To make absolutely sure that Sheen does not actually succeed, the CIA also makes it seem that their own intelligence is compromised, allowing the Russians and Germans to think they have uncovered Sheen's mission through their own spy networks. Of course, the CIA planted the information in such a way that the spies would think they were uncovering the mission on their own rather than being spoon-fed a story.

    Poor old Sheen comes very close to screwing up the entire plan, because he organizes the dissident underground so effectively and devises such an ingenious scheme that he comes within a hair's breadth of the impossible - actually stealing the encoder. He is foiled only by a last minute brainstorm by a young genius from Russia (Sam Neill) who is helping the Germans on the case.

    The spy plot is excellent to begin with, but the story is richly layered by a love triangle between Sheen, an East German woman, and the Russian mastermind. Sheen plots to outmaneuver the mastermind by having his girlfriend sleep with the Russian. Unfortunately, the Russian finds out about the scheme, but proceeds as if he does not know about it, thus managing to get laid and plant false information at the same time! But the best thing about the story is that the cold-hearted Russian actually falls in love with the woman, even while using her and being used by her. The love triangle sets up an excellent ending to the movie, which I won't reveal, since I've already revealed much too much. In addition to the excellent ending, you will also enjoy how the cruel Stasi officer (Derek Jacobi) meets his ultimate personal fate.

    The cast is very solid. In addition to some nuanced performances from Sheen and Neill, there are more traditional and one-dimensional baddie performances offered by Jacobi, Frank Finlay, and Michael Lonsdale, three classical actors slumming as a scheming German, Russian, and American, respectively. Brigitte Fossey is also excellent as the scholarly and modest professor's daughter who has to toughen up to prostitute herself for the cause, then ends up in love with two men - one on each side.

    It is a slow movie without a lot of dramatic tension except for a pretty cool opening scene in Sheen's Paris apartment, but if you love the old Robert Ludlam style of cold war thriller, where the adversaries battle with their brains rather than with fists and guns, this one is recommended.

    • Brigitte Fossey. (1, 2, 3, 4)


    Other Crap:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.



    Pretentious Eurocrap

    In the years I lived in Europe I managed to determine the one thing that makes that continent unique. It's the only place in the world that regularly turns out people who are both pretentious and utterly incompetent. We have our share of pompous asses in the US, but they are usually the opinionated types who have too much education and intellect for their own good, so much that they hold others in contempt. There are a few exceptions in the USA, blowhards and windbags like William Jennings Bryan, Vince Gallo and Rush Limbaugh, but in general, only Europe manages to turn out lots of people (especially in the film industry) who know nothing and think they know everything.

    We have two classic examples here today. Oliver Assayas, the director of Demonlover, may be the single most ignorant man ever to direct a film. He knows absolutely nothing about any of his subjects. He doesn't understand how business works. He doesn't understand the porn industry works. He has no idea at all how the internet works. He doesn't know how corporate espionage works.

    So of course, he made Demonlover, a movie about all of those subjects. Now what raises him to subgenius level is not the fact that he was ignorant about those subjects, because a filmmaker can make brilliant movies about unfamiliar subjects because he can study the subjects and view the material with fresh eyes. No, the true achievement of Mr Assayas is the fact that he made no effort to learn anything about those subjects, thus parading his ignorance in front of everyone. You have to credit him for one thing - he's not lacking in self confidence!

    Demonlover is a truly garbled, bizarre, pointless, nearly incoherent movie. It's so bad that Ed Wood wouldn't even sign the scorecard if you credited it to him. I don't know if anyone would, except maybe Bruno Dumont, the guy who directed Twentynine Palms.

    Here's our reviews of Demonlover. And if you think I hate this vile piece of crap, consider that I liked it about ten times better than Tuna did!

     Tuna said:

    The filmmaker had no idea where the story would go when he started the film, and I submit that he still doesn't have an idea where the story goes. The first several scenes were coherent, if overly long, then the film degraded into nonsense and confusion.  It is hard to express how much I disliked this film. At no time did it capture my interest. It is only 5 hours since I finished it, and I don't remember how it ends. I guess there are some advantages to getting older.

    • Connie Nielsen in Demonlover.(.avi zipped), (.wmv zipped). Connie is hot, but if you want to see the good stuff, rent The Devil's Advocate (a great junk film!) and see her stark naked, front and rear, from every angle.


    I don't know if you can consider a Welshman to be part of Europe, but almost everything I wrote about Assayas could also be applied to Marc Evans, who directed My Little Eye, another movie which features "the internet from another planet". (Also in this category: the execrable remake of Rollerball with Chris Klein.). Evans is not as ignorant as Assayas, but at least Assayas has some idea how to film and edit a movie, or at least he used to. My Little Eye is ... well, read Tuna's comments This puppy makes Blair Witch look like a David Lean film.

    Tuna looked at the Region 1 DVD, which was just the crappy movie. I had the Region 2 DVD, which I found fascinating in many ways. Evans may not have the whole film thing mastered yet, but I liked the theory behind the interactive DVD, which featured lots more detailed footage about the characters - even incidents that happened outside of the movie's time frame. Great idea, but no product to back it up.




    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    • Kari Wuhrer showing off her no-longer enhanced breasts (plus a little bit of bum) in scenes from "King of the Ants" (2003).

    • Virginia Madsen we see her lovely big'uns and just a hint of bush in the recently released DVD of the offbeat, noir detective movie "Gotham" (1988).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Today the Ghost takes a look at the 1991 T&A ski comedy, "Ski School". The movie stars Dean Cameron, who is best known as Francis 'Chainsaw' Gremp from the movie "Summer School" (1987). In typical ski movie fashion, there are the slackers who love to ski and party, the rich people who want to take over the mountain, and plenty of sex and hot tubbing.

    • Ava Fabian, the former Heffer (August '86) topless in a love scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Ava Fabian zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

    • Charlie Spradling is in her undies and in the hot tub, but doesn't show any naughty bits. (1, 2)
    • Charlie Spradling zipped .wmv

    • Darlene Vogel, the scene is dark and the exposure is brief, but we do get a couple of frames with clear breast views. (1, 2, 3)
    • Darlene Vogel zipped .wmv

    • Assorted unknown party babe and ski bunnies going topless. (1, 2)
    • Unknowns zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3, 4)

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "What Alice Found"
    Slow-paced, low-key 2004 drama gets you there, but you have to be patient. Action fans will probably bail 10 minutes into this movie, which would be a shame, because it has some nice twists and a couple of surprises.

    A young woman from New Hampshire is heading to Florida to pursue a career in marine biology. Her car is old, her money is tight, but things are fine until she's hit on at a rest stop. She rebukes the guy, then returns to find her tire flat. As she continues her trip, the engine blows, apparently because the oil was drained, and she discovers her money is gone. Along comes a nice older couple in a RV, whom she met at the rest stop. They're going to Florida, and offer her a ride, so she abandons her car and goes with them.

    As the trip proceeds painfully slowly, with many stops and detours along the way, she discovers the woman is actually a truck-stop prostitute, and her husband is the business manager/pimp. Eventually, they recruit her into the business.

    What makes this a good movie is that just when you think you've figured things out, a plot twist turns things around. However, this movie requires a lot of patience. I enjoyed it, so for me, it was worth it, but many will be put off by the pace and lack of action.

    Johnny Moronic
    'Caps and comments by Johnny Moronic:

    "The Hot Spot"
    A very well made noir thriller, directed by Dennis Hopper, that is very sultry and sexy. But, I'd say it's more famous here for that scene. Yeah, you know the one...

    This was probably the last innocent role Jennifer Connelly ever played (maybe Career Opportunities). She has played some real umcompromising women since then. To think she was only 19 in this film.

    Lacey Chabert
    Lindsay Lohan
    (1, 2)
    Rachel Mcadams

    New on DVD! Penman serves up a small example of the cleavage you can find in the teen comedy "Mean Girls".

    Mädchen Amick
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    I simply love this girl, and this is one of my all time favorite nude scenes. We have an uber-cute, petite, brunette baring all 3 B's...hard to beat that! Here she is in scene from "Dream Lover" (1994).

    Unknown Euro-babes
    (1, 2)

    'Caps and comments by RoSSol:
    "Sigade revolutsioon" (Revolution of the Pigs) is an Estonian film and also quite success there. It's about a communist youth camp in summer 1986, a few years before the Soviet block crumbled. Thus the themes are cry for independence, for freedom... and getting drunk and having sex. Unfortunately (for now) I cannot positively identify the girls showing their goodies. 'Caps are from the trailer.

    Shanna Moakler
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the former Miss USA ('95) and former Heffer (December '01) going topless in a scene from "Seeing Other People" (2004).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    The Backseat Boy Tape - Brace yourself: London's News of the World tabloid claims to have obtained a new Paris Hilton tape, stolen from her L.A. home by a gang of thieves. They say it shows her "writhing in the back of a car as she is groped intimately" by ex-boyfriend and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter; answering the door naked except for a "pore strip" on her nose to greet ex-boyfriend Jason Shaw; and puffing pot and chirping, "Paris Hilton, part two: How to roll a joint!" Her lawyers say they will vigorously pursue all means to keep it from being publicly released.

  • I never thought I'd say this, but "God bless those lawyers!"
  • Question: who keeps shooting these videos?
  • With all the taping going on at Paris' house, you'd think she'd have a tape of the theft.

    They're Like Their Owners: Annoying - The new "ultimate accessory" for celebrities is teeny dogs, such as Paris Hilton's Chihuahua, P. Diddy's Maltese and Jessica Simpson's malti-poo. The smaller the better, and prices start at $1500. Ritzy boutiques are opening in New York and Beverly Hills to sell flashy dog clothes and designer carriers. Fashion experts say these stars aren't ready for children yet, so it's like having a baby: they get a sense of great responsibility, and a little creature that loves and adores them, but that also gets them a lot of attention.

  • And like a baby, when they're tired of it, they can just pass it off to their assistants.
  • They'll be out of style by next season, but fortunately, tiny dogs have a short lifespan.
  • Older celebrities prefer Shar-peis, to make themselves look younger by comparison.
  • Celebrities never have parrots for pets, because the celebrity has to do all the talking.

    "Modern Drunkard"? - Jack Daniel's Whiskey has outraged drinkers by lowering its alcohol content 3 percent, from 86 to 80 proof. Many were still angry that it was lowered from 90 proof 15 years ago. The company claims research showed buyers wanted a less potent drink, but "Modern Drunkard" magazine called it "unfathomable blasphemy" and launched an online petition and boycott "to right this grievous wrong." The editor said Jack Daniel's has the right to lower the proof to zero and call it lemonade, "but that doesn't mean we have to drink it."

  • I wouldn't expect the readers of "Modern Drunkard" to drink anything called "lemonade."
  • They can't go cold turkey, so they'll switch to Wild Turkey.
  • The boycott was joined by other magazines, including "Lush," "Blotto," "Swillchugger" and of course, "Fraternity Monthly."
  • Their motto is, "If your breath's not flammable, it's just not whiskey!"

    The Bitch Set Me Up! - John Andrew Kerry of South Gloustershire, England, split up with his girlfriend. She asked him to meet her at a pub and talk things over. She even bought him two pints of beer, but he refused to reconcile and left in his van. So she called the police and tipped them off that he was driving after drinking. Kerry was stopped, failed a breathalyzer test, had to pay $640 (US) in fines and court costs, and was banned from driving for three years.

  • This is why, after men break up with a woman, they NEVER want to get together and "talk things over!"
  • And to think: he dumped her because she'd never offer to buy the beer.
  • The day before the election, the Bush campaign will run an ad declaring, "John Kerry arrested for drunk driving in England!"