Tuesday

Kinky Killers

2008

There have been attempts to create erotic entertainment from just about every type of film, but this is the first softcore film I've seen in the form of a theological thriller.

Two cops have to solve a series of murders in which the killer removes one body part from each victim and tattoos one of the parts left behind. The tattoos seem to have some religious significance related to St. Polycarp, the very first Christian martyr. In fact, Polycarp was put to death twice. According to Christian legend, he survived being burned at the stake, although some 85 years old at the time, at which point he was stabbed to death. Apparently he was quite the tough old buzzard. The original title of this film was "Polycarp," until somebody decided that the name of an obscure second century bishop probably wouldn't pull in a lot of traffic in the erotica section of your local video store, sandwiched between "The Doctor Is In" and "Spring Break Sluts." To tell you the truth, I didn't find the subject matter particularly appropriate for a nudie film, either. There's a little torture, some dismemberment, and plenty of screaming, if those sorts of things get you in the mood.

In case you were contemplating watching the film for its non-erotic elements, I wouldn't advise it. The presentation is virtually incoherent. The film goes for an obscure "mind-fuck" approach in which characters talk in riddles or recite biblical quotations, and in which every single witness questioned by the cops turns out to be somehow involved in the actual murders, although the conspirators sometimes murder one another when they get bored with the routine practice of killing strangers, and when they get really bored, they kill the investigators as well. That really puts a damper on the police procedural section of the entertainment. When the cops are dead, as the film concludes, something completely different happens. I think it is supposed to be a big surprise plot twist. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what it is or what it means!

On the road to the befuddling conclusion, the film's biblical details, though repeated again and again, are simply wrong. Polycarp's legendary double martrydom could not be mentioned in Revelations or any other book of the bible. The various parts of The New Testament were written some time between 45-140 AD and ol' Poly died in 155 AD. But we need not rely on theoretical presumptions. The University of Virginia has the entire bible online and searchable, and a search for Polycarp yields no results.

Surprisingly, two familiar mainstream actors appear in this film. Charles Durning, once a great character actor who is now just a shell of his former self, appears briefly, and his appearance will break your heart. Michael Par, a former 80s heartthrob, is the film's other established performer. There was a time in the early 80s when Pare seemed destined for stardom. In 1983-84, when he was in his mid-twenties, he had solid parts in four pretty decent movies - the first four movies he would ever make.

  1. (7.20) - Undercover (1983)
  2. (6.27) - Streets of Fire (1984)
  3. (6.26) - Eddie and the Cruisers (1983)
  4. (6.07) - The Philadelphia Experiment (1984)

That seems so long ago now that it's more like the memory of a dream than a real recollection. Many of you are probably surprised to find out that Par did not retire in the early 80s and disappear mysteriously, like his most famous character, Eddie the Cruiser. It turned out that those four movies would constitute virtually his entire career. It would be 15 years before he had another important role in a good movie. (The Virgin Suicides, 1999). Oh, he still makes plenty of films, at least 15 so far in this century, with ten more currently in the pipeline, but they're just not any good. Polycarp, with a mediocre 5.3 score, is rated the highest of all those 21st century films at IMDb - and by a great distance. Eight of the others are rated below three.

  1. (5.28) - Polycarp (2007)
  2. (4.30) - Postal (2007)
  3. (4.21) - Heart of America (2003)
  4. (4.09) - Fate (2003)
  5. (3.88) - Gargoyle (2004) (V)
  6. (3.83) - Furnace (2006)
  7. (3.67) - Crash Landing (2005)
  8. (2.97) - Komodo vs. Cobra (2005) (TV)
  9. (2.90) - Space Fury (2000)
  10. (2.89) - Sanctimony (2000) (TV)
  11. (2.80) - Red Serpent (2002)
  12. (2.61) - BloodRayne (2005)
  13. (2.58) - Blackwoods (2002)
  14. (2.34) - BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)
  15. (2.07) - Seed (2007)

How bad are things going when four of your recent films were directed by Uwe Boll and a nudie movie is the top one on your personal totem pole? (Well, to be fair, Polycarp has very few votes and the ballot has obviously been stuffed, so it will undoubtedly end up much lower than its current rating ... but still!)

Getting back to the point, at least briefly, Polycarp is dark, confusing, unpleasant, and horny, which means it plays out like Donny Darko does Dallas. Your tastes may differ from mine of course, but nasty things are not the proper kindling for my erotic fires.


There is a substantial amount of sex and nudity in the film including some full frontal action, but it rarely seems very sexy because of the ugly, confusing context.

Film clips:

  • The bulk of the nudity comes from softcore veteran Beverly Lynne, who gives it all up repeatedly.
  • Also chipping in with a strong contribution is Alison Whitney.
  • This clip includes three women. The one who keeps her bra on is Brooke Lewis. Beverly Lynne (again) is the blonde. I think the brunette with Michael Pare is Kelli McCarty, but I won't swear to it. I think it is her character, but she hasn't done a nude scene in six or seven years, and that body looks much too good.

 

 

 

 

  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.

OTHER CRAP:

Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Beverly Hills Bordello: Adultery ... Cyber-Style"

(1998)

Two couples are celebrating one of the men's birthday, and the other couple give him an hour of cyber sex at the bordello. They all join in, and a game of spin the bottle turns into full on cyber sex between the birthday boy and the other woman. The other husband contacts the birthday boy's wife for get even cyber sex, and then they decide to do it for real. That does not go smoothly, however. Some things are better left as a fantasy.

The story was fine, but the photography marred this one. It was entirely too artistic and atmospheric, detracting from the nudity and passion.

Alexis Blair shows everything. Debra Summers shows breasts.

 

Alexis Blair

 

Debra Summers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Bikini Bloodbath

2006

Today is a really bad movie day with Bikini Bloodbath. The only good thing about it is a little bit of nudity.

 

Leah Ford stars and shows off her "Tiny Tots", she is kinda cute.

Caps and a clip.

 

More boobs as Katie Gill, Anna-Karin Eskilsson and Leah Ford (from left to right ) hit the showers.

Caps and two clips.

 

Natasha Nielson & Katie Gill show the tits while changing clothes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes and collages

Full Body Massage

1995

part 6 of ?

Mimi Rogers

 

Full Body Massage DVD Mimi Rogers (1995)

Purchase info from RLDVDs

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pics

A beautiful see-through of Miranda Kerr

 

Martha Higareda in Amar te Duele

Stephanie Seymour

And now for something completely different ...

From the "rarely seen captures" guy, Marlo Thomas in That Girl

Anna Friel in Watermelon

 

Clips from new material:

 

Clips from the decade past, more or less:

Anna Mougalis in Novo (2002)

Flora Montgomery in The Discovery of Heaven (2001)

Juliette Lewis in Strange Days (1995)

Kate Winterich in Kissing on the Mouth (2005)

Maria Valverde in Melissa P (2005)

Maria Forsa in Lifterskan (1998)