"Dark Confessions"

Dark Confessions (1998) is a Lloyd A. Simandl white slavery film from the era when he used at least one name actress, in this case Rena Riffel. If this seems familiar, it is because it has been covered by the master of all things Canadian, Spaz. This has been on my shelf for a while, but the end of the year is a little slow for new releases, and the camera work in this one is excellent. Very warm lighting was used, and the women look amazing.

Way too much exposure for one night, so tonight we have Rena Riffel from a sex scene with a guy, and a lengthy lesbian encounter with Eva Aichmajerova. Riffel shows breasts and buns, and Aichmajerova shows everything. Riffel is the brains of this white slavery ring, and Aichmajerova is her favorite playmate until sold at auction.

Tomorrow night, a plot summary and the rest of the women.

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  • Eva Aichmajerova (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48)
  • Rena Riffel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Big Fish (2003)

    Because of the kind of movie it is, you can conclude two things about Big Fish.

    1) It will not be nominated for any significant Oscars. Where are the Oscars for The Princess Bride and Blade Runner and The Life of Brian and The Big Lebowski?  Simple: no persecuted gay people, no suicides, no sad violin music, no children killed or molested  =  no Oscar.

    2) A decade from now, people will have forgotten all the films that will be nominated (except Return of the King), and will still be watching Tim Burton's odd and sentimental fantasy, along with A Mighty Wind, Pirates of the Caribbean, and maybe (on a small, cult scale) The Station Agent.

    I would like to be proved wrong about the first, because Big Fish is a much better movie than some of the overwrought misery films (21 Grams), cookie-cutter formula pictures (Cold Mountain), and otherwise overrated films that will undoubtedly be nominated. Unfortunately, I will probably be right. So it always goes for original thinkers and fantasy films.

    Two examples:


    1987 was a great year for cinema, producing many memorable films, several of which are now considered classics, or cult classics. Unfortunately, only one of them (The Last Emperor) was nominated for an Oscar. (Nominees are highlighted in the table below). The academy chose a bunch of safe twaddle. Fatal Attraction as Best Picture? It is now clear as day that The Princess Bride and Full Metal Jacket were the greatest movies among the eligible films that year. The Princess Bride is now among the all-time Top 100 at IMDb, and is extensively quoted by movie buffs. Can you quote any lines from Broadcast News?

    Princess Bride, The (1987)

    Full Metal Jacket (1987) 8.1
    Wings of Desire (1987) 7.9
    Au revoir les enfants (1987). 7.9
    Untouchables, The (1987) 7.8
    Babette's Feast (1987) 7.7
    Last Emperor, The (1987). 7.7
    Evil Dead II (1987) 7.6
    Raising Arizona (1987) 7.6
    Matewan (1987) 7.6
    Hope and Glory (1987) 7.5
    House of Games (1987) 7.5
    Lethal Weapon (1987) 7.5
    Radio Days (1987) 7.4
    Pelle the Conqueror (1987) 7.4
    Empire of the Sun (1987) 7.4
    Withnail and I (1987) 7.4
    Bagdad Cafe (1987) 7.3
    Predator (1987) 7.3
    Wall Street (1987) 7.2
    Maurice (1987) 7.2
    Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) 7.2
    Cry Freedom (1987) 7.1
    Moonstruck (1987) 7.1
    Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) 7.1
    Broadcast News (1987) 7.0
    RoboCop (1987) 7.0
    Near Dark (1987) 7.0
    Angel Heart (1987) 7.0
    No Way Out (1987) 7.0
    Hidden, The (1987) 6.9
    Bad Taste (1987) 6.9
    Roxanne (1987) 6.8
    Fatal Attraction (1987) 6.7




    1985, on the other hand, was not a great year. I think you could fairly argue that they should not have given the Best Picture award at all that year, but if they had to give one, Out of Africa was about as bad a choice as has ever been made for that honor. (See our article on the worst Oscar winners.)

    There were two fantasy classics released that year: Terry Gilliam's Brazil, which is now rated #171 of all time at IMDb, and Back to the Future, rated #145.

    Neither received a nomination.


    Ran (1985) 8.4
    Back to the Future (1985) 8.0
    Brazil (1985) 8.0
    My Life as a Dog (1985) 7.6
    Tampopo (1985) 7.6
    Witness (1985) 7.6
    Color Purple, The (1985) 7.5
    Purple Rose of Cairo, The (1985) 7.5
    Breakfast Club, The (1985) 7.5
    Room with a View, A (1985) 7.4
    After Hours (1985) 7.3
    Kiss of the Spider Woman (1985) 7.2
    Better Off Dead... (1985) 7.1
    Runaway Train (1985) 7.0
    Quiet Earth, The (1985) 7.0
    Prizzi's Honor (1985) 7.0
    Goonies, The (1985) 7.0
    Silverado (1985) 7.0
    Re-Animator (1985) 6.9
    My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) 6.9
    Out of Africa (1985) 6.8


    Based on the history of The Princess Bride and Brazil, don't expect Big Fish to win any awards. Tim Burton, like Terry Gilliam, has to wait for posterity to give him the respect he is due as a filmmaker, which is considerable.

    Big Fish is probably not as memorable a movie as The Princess Bride or Brazil, simply because it doesn't have a clear focus on a target audience. It may be too sentimental for the young guy audience, too grown up for the kids' market, and too silly for the hard-core SciFi/Fantasy fans. In essence, it's a story of a father and son reconciliation told in a fanciful way. Fanciful, to say the least.

    Albert Finney and Billy Crudup play a father and son with issues. Finney is a compulsive story-teller, a guy who has always answered any serious question about himself with a long and exaggerated fish-story. Crudup was an adoring son until he was about ten, at which point he realized that every word his father had ever told him was a lie. That didn't stop the old man, however, who continued telling his tales and even embellishing them further. Now the father is dying and the son wants to come to terms with who his father really is underneath the stories. Before the movie ends, the two of them must reconcile the real world and the fish stories, and that occurs in some unexpected and imaginative ways.

    I guess you could argue that this film is my own dad's story, in a way. Just like the Billy Crudup character, I worshipped my tale-tellin' dad until I was old enough to realize that everything he said was bullshit. Then I kind of avoided him for about a decade. I felt kind of betrayed, because I was some kind of Blade Runner child, running around with a head full of false memory implants, completely unaware of the location of the line between myth and reality.

    I wouldn't say he was a liar, because a liar expects people to believe him, and my dad would have been insulted if anyone thought any aspect of his stories was believable. That would imply a lack of imagination and humor on his part. In addition, "liar" is an ugly word which implies that somebody deceives others for his own gain. My dad had no ulterior motives, nothing beyond laughter, and his stories never hurt anyone. Still, I believed them when I was five, just like kids believe in Santa Claus, and then there came a point in my life when I realized that I believed in a lot of falsehoods.

    As an adult, I realize that beautiful and entertaining falsehoods are often far better than reality, but deep inside me, I still have some problems with his stories. Of course, I know that he didn't really teach Ted Williams how to hit, and he didn't write the last two pages of The Great Gatsby so Scott Fitzgerald could attend a party without missing his deadline. I figured that out when I was about eight. But there are other elements of his history (read: MY history) that I'm still not clear about, half a century later. Are his stories partially true? Are they literary embellishments based on some core of fact, or is every single detail suspect? Was his last name really Sparrow for some years before he and my grandfather returned to the original Polish version? I have told this to people as if it were fact, and when I left for college I still believed it completely, but every passing year has created additional doubt. I'm now at the point where I'd just rather not discuss it. 

    My dad and I were uneasy together from the time I got "sophisticated" until I had kids of my own, at which point he again took over his official duties as the family's designated storyteller with another generation of kids. Another decade later, I had a second family, and there was my dad again, spinnin' his tall tales for my youngest son. If every man is meant for one role in life, he was meant to be a grandfather. One of the most vivid memories of my life is the raucous laughter coming from the bedroom when Grandpa Danny was supposed to be putting the kids to sleep. In a world where tears often outweigh laughter, how can you stay mad at someone who brings people so many laughs at nobody's expense?

    As for my problems, how did they all get reconciled? Do I now know the truth about my dad?

    More to the supposed point of this essay, what about the son in the movie? Did he get beyond the yarns and find the real man?

    The answer for me is very similar to the answer in the movie. The real man is the tall tales. What more do you need to know? I don't know much, if anything, about what happened in the first thirty years of my dad's life, but I have now spent as much time as he ever did preserving his tall tales for posterity. I concluded that there is no need to look for the real story behind the tall tales. The real story is that he was the guy who created the tall tales. They were a separate reality that seemed real to me and my sons for many years. He was funny, and loveable, and a gentle soul. Let's face it, he WAS Danny "Suits" Sparrow. Nothing else really matters, does it?

    The film pretty much comes to the same conclusion. It is a sweet, imaginative, silly movie. Unlike Tim Burton's earlier work, it is almost complete devoid of darkness and cynicism.

    I enjoyed the hell out of it.

    • Bevin Kaye (1, 2)
    • Bevin is a stuntwoman. She was hired not because of her face or her acting, but because she can hold her breath underwater for a long time without acting panicky. But she's a great looker as well.  Here's her home page.



    Cold Mountain (2003)

    Cold Mountain, according to some critics, is the Homeric tale of The Odyssey relocated to the era of the American Civil War.

    This is the kind of thing that critics say when they want to impress you with their knowledge of classical literature. Personally, I don't much care for classical literature. When I was studying The Aeneid, I could never get past that part about singing of the arms and the man, because I wanted to know the tune. Should I sing of arms and the man separately, or together, and in which key? I would tell you that I tried to sing of arms and the man to the tune of The Whiffenpoof Song, but I'm afraid that you'd too soon determine that I just like to use the word "whiffenpoof".

    So what does Cold Mountain have to do with The Odyssey? Well, a guy leaves a war to return to his faithful beloved. Along the way he has many distracting adventures, each of which is a separate episode only peripherally related to his trek home, and ...

    Oh, let's face it, the Odyssey thing is just a red herring meant to distract you from the fact that this movie is The English Patient filmed over  again with different costumes. A guy fights against all obstacles to return to his true beloved. In fact, this one is like several English Patients, because Jude Law plays a Confederate soldier who gets wounded at Petersberg, and his wounds keep re-infecting. Therefore, he is tended not by one compassionate nurse, but by several along the way as he meanders home and keeps passing out. Jude acted out more passing out in this movie than Iron Mike Sharpe did in his entire winless wrestling career. No matter where Jude passes out, women want to nurse him back to health. Contrary to Dr. Kissinger's famous aphorism, it seems that fainting, not power, is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

    Important lesson: you might think about a sling and a fake cast the next time you want to get laid.

    Provided you look like Jude Law.

    I did learn one thing from this movie. No matter how hard times got during the Civil War, even when there was money for neither food nor clothing, Nicole Kidman always had enough Confederate money set aside for make-up. She would never be seen without eyeliner and a little rouge. You have to admire that. A gal has to look her best when starving to death and shivering in the cold. Amazingly, Kidman looked perfect in every frame, except maybe for an occasional loose strand of hair which only served to make her seem more relaxed and beautiful. About 11 years pass between the earliest and latest scenes in this film, yet Kidman never ages one day, and actually looks much better after the war than before it. Man, I never guessed that the Civil War was the ultimate beauty treatment. Those guys who do Civil War re-enactments should consider supporting their costs by marketing the hardship as a budget alternative to a spa.

    Like The English Patient, this is a big retro romance which looks great, and goes on far too long. It is the kind of shamelessly corny romantic film that Hollywood made before the cultural revolution in the late 60s. Unfortunately, the male star (Jude Law) has the looks for the job, but is lacking in the energy that old-time Hollywood stars would have brought to the role. Let's face it, Clark Gable simply shows more vitality and personality than Jude Law. And I'm talking now, after a forty year dirt nap, Gable still shows more life than Jude. Of course, I don't know how much life Jude could have showed in this movie when his entire role consisted of short bursts of wakefulness before passing out.

    The best news in this film is that the supporting players are colorful and entertaining. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Renee Zellweger, and others provide some much-need relief from Law's tedious and oblique peregrinations toward Kidman. Even Natalie Portman delivers a competent performance, which is very good news indeed for those of us who had come to believe that her abysmal, wooden performances in those Star Wars pictures represented the true level of her adult acting skills.

    If you liked The English Patient, or if you hated it, you'll feel the same toward this film. Great production values, old-fashioned love story, same writer/director. I'm not inclined to like that kind of film, but I would have enjoyed this one if it had been about 30 minutes shorter. (It is a kidney-challenging 155 minutes. It ran three hours including the ads and trailers.)

    I'll don't have a screener for this one, so I don't have any pics yet. (I saw it at an actual theater. They still have those!) Here is screenit's nudity summary, which is accurate:

  • A woman states that she's going to make Jude hug her until she grunts. She then exposes her bare breasts to the intoxicated Inman and then bends over a table and writhes a bit, exposing her bare rear to him, wanting him to have sex with her that way,  telling him to "ride me all the way to China".  (Very raunchy, sexy scene!)
  • We see the above woman and some bare-breasted women with Philip Hoffman, and one is moving on top of him.
  • Kidman and Jude:  we see various brief shots of them before and during sex, including passionate kissing, groping, brief and partial views of both of their bare butts, a brief view of her bare breasts, quick look at nipples while she is on her back.

    Other Movies (2003)





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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
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    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Scorpion's Skinemax
    Monique Parent Toplessness and thong views in scenes from "Seaside Seduction" (2001).

    Cecelia Simon
    (1, 2)
    Christina Baby
    (1, 2)
    Kennedy Johnston
    (1, 2)

    Plenty of breasts, bums, bush, gyno-views and pseudo-sex in scenes from "The Secret Cellar".

    Kate Beckinsale
    (1, 2)

    No nudity, but she is stuffed into a tight leather outfit in these scenes from "Underworld". Look for it on DVD on January 6.

    Mr. Nude Celeb
    Mr. Nude Celeb takes a look at the 1984 comedy classic, "Bachelor Party".

    • Angela Aames showing off tons and tons of cleavage. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Monique Gabrielle, the former Pet (December '82) looking amazing in her prime. Toplessness and full frontal nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Rosanna Katon and Dani Douthette, the tag team bridal shower hookers. (1, 2)

    • Tawny Kitaen...once upon a time, long before the implants, prior to the 8,000 pills a day, and back before she beat up her husband, she was actually kinda hot. (1, 2, 3)

    • Toni Alessandrini, the belly dancer. (1, 2, 3)

    Debra Lamb
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Lynette and Lee Ann Harris
    (1, 2, 3)

    A few 'caps from Crimson Ghost that I missed yesterday.

    Debra Lamb, the official "fire eating stripper" you've seen in several B-movies goes topless in more scenes from the Fred Olen Ray flick "Warlords" (1989).

    Twin sisters Lynette and Lee Ann Harris are topless in the 1982 sword and sorcery flick, "Sorceress".

    Elena Anaya
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the gorgeous Spanish actress topless and showing some pubes in scenes from "El Invierno de las anjanas" (2000). Soon you'll be able so see her on the big screen in the upcoming Hollywood movie, "Van Helsing" starring Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale.