Venus Rising (1995) has Audie England topless in a pair of panties, is well photographed, and has a cast that includes Jessica Alba, Joel Gray, Morgan Fairchild and Costas Mandylor. Unfortunately, if they ever had a script, the clearly lost it long before the start of principle photography. It is a future society, we learn from text based exposition, and, after a prison riot, "the company" sealed off the prison to isolate it. Now there are second generation prisoners, and they are nearly out of food. Everyone is starving. A shipwreck victim washes up on the island with his lunch box. These starving people, who are in top physical condition, kill him, then fight with each other, then three of them escape to "Pacifica" on the man's lifeboat. Of course, one of them has a house arrest implant that will kill him if he stays off the prison island, or tampers with the implant. When he tries to molest England, she tampers with the device. And now they are two.
Except, she is separated from her "sort of" boyfriend. She has sex for money with a tourist on the beach, and then kills him expertly when he wants a little more. Meanwhile, the head of police in Pacifica was warned of the escape, and blackmails Mandylor into finding and killing the escapees. England makes friends with a lesbian, who has a nifty pyramid than manufactures pharmaceuticals to put her in any mood she wants, but is clinically and suicidally depressed. Shortly after England moves in, she jumps off a cliff on an idle whim, so England assumes her identity.
When England sleeps, she dreams about the death of her mother and father, and other niceties of her youth on the prison island. She gets a job cocktailing, and learns to use the virtual reality machine for a little cybersex with, you guessed it, Mandylor. She ends up getting together with Mandylor in real life, and then her boyfriend shows up to make trouble. All of this nonsense is great storytelling in comparison to the ending.
IMDb readers say 2,4, but with 71.7% of the votes being a one, the lowest possible score. All of the comments call it the worst film ever made. To be fair, one sex scene is decent, and the gin mill set where England cocktails is fairly well done. Certainly not enough positive to give this more than a D-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
This matter is kind of out of my field of expertise, but maybe
some of you can help. If you have any leads on the following,
and I'll pass them on.
Maybe you can help me with this. Here recently I started
researching actresses who've done mainstream and hardcore work,
and I remembered Holly Sampson (Emanuelle 2000) had done some
So I started looking (again, this will be important as I'll
explain later) and came up with quite a few things however when I
researched this a few years ago (with the help of the search
engine on the back issues page of the fun house, which started me
off originally 2 years ago with very good results btw) I swore I
found she did some other work as well, she either was wearing a
brunette / black wig / or dyed/natural hair and was doing gonzo /
anal on camera.
But as I said I cannot find out what movies those were or what
alias she performed under. I located quite a few things with her
alias Nicolette Foster (including the fact that she did some more
bondage / fetish videos for FM Productions as late as Aug. / Oct.
2004, but otherwise has fallen off the face of the earth as far as
I can tell) She also starred in the fetish video that Sarah Kozar
(of Joe Millionaire fame) was in, called Pantyhose Pairs.
I'm wanting to think she started off in hardcore stuff, then went
and did some softcore films, which eventually led to the Emanuelle
gig, then around 2001 she got her new factory installed chest put
in, and did some more work with ALSScan, and one more Emanuelle
movie in 2003, then disappeared, doing mainly fetish stuff until
last year (as I pointed out above) I'm not overly interested in
the fetish stuff as I've found more than I ever wanted to at the
Anyway what I need help with is trying to locate the names of what
films were done under another name possibly or (if at all
possible) trying to locate a total filmography on what she has
performed in. The only reason I ask is there are no good internet
based searches that are comprehensive as well as correct. IMDB,
CNDB, IAFD, and various porn retailers all either were not
complete in their listing or mixed her up with other actresses.
Going with the names she has appeared on film as Nicolette Foster,
Nicolette (this causes problems as I'll explain) and possibly Zoe
(I know her ALSScan stuff she uses this name, but I think that's
how I stumbled on the gonzo stuff, I think, to begin with was
looking this up, since it's been over 2 years and a HD crash later
which had all that info on it) I cannot be to sure anymore. Plus
the only gal named Zoe is not her so she might have used Zoe
"something". The Nicolette confusion comes from the fact that she
has used the name, as well as a gal from Budapest (who is a short
haired blonde with a penchant for anal / DP, and a black actress
who does similar work as well.
Here's the list I've managed to compile so far
1998 A Slave to Fashion (V) (As Nicolette)
1998 Touch (As Nicolette)
1998 Infinite Bliss (As Nicollete)
Foot Sex Spectacular! (link below)
Unconfirmed (but not what I was looking for, just not sure if she
was in any of these)
2001 Triple X Files 3 (V)
Wit Maverick's TRYST OF FATE (Dunno if it's her)
WICKED DEEDS ??? (not sure)
Naked Truth, The (Ultimate)
Here's a link to her stuff she's been doing at FM Productions
Anyway, I know that's a lot to look into, but if you can't do it,
or can't find anything in the Funhouse Archives that expand upon
what I'm looking for I would appreciate it if you could pass this
along to Brainscan and The Gimp and hopefully they might have
better luck than me locating the movies that I can't find a trace
about anymore. (If they even existed at all)
I'll leave it up to you how you want to deal with this, you can
email me direct (as well as the other two gentlemen, if they find
/ have information) or you can post this in the funhouse as well
if you want / need to. I'll leave that up to your discretion,
getting the information is the important thing to me in the end.
Queer eye for the comic hero guy
Netscape 8 is all fucked up.
- Netscape needed several fixes hours after its release
- Without IE installed, Netscape 8.0 will not install at all
- You'll have to uninstall Netscape to get MSIE working
right again!! (After installing Netscape 8, IE will render XML
files as a blank page, including XML files that have an XSLT
Survey: Little U.S. interest in next-generation Internet
Will there be a prequel to The Phantom Menace?
Warning! U.S. Marines
Cannes film festival: Shots from the suburbs: "Me and You and
Everyone We Know"
'Monica! The Musical,' opened a one-week run Friday night
Off-Broadway. I want to audition for the part of
Man arrested for wearing Grinch mask in public.
"Wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor under West Virginia
law, punishable by a fine of up to $500, up to a year in jail,
Urban Legends: Gere and His Gerbil. Hey, they both
begin with Ger, don't they?
Judge Bars Photos of Jacko's Dick.
- The D.A. said showing the pictures and a child's drawings
would show jurors that the child in question could adequately
describe "a unique feature of his (Jackson's) anatomy." That
would show that Jackson's relationships with boys were "not
- Oh, man, E! must be disappointed. There goes the one best
chance for the screen debut of Jimmy Kimmel's dick.
Where is America's Best Beach?
baseball's all-porn-moustache team
Different methods to pay your toll on Greek highways
- Retro technology:
Mechanical pong game uses electronic relay logic to duplicate
the computer version.
The parents of a dieting Italian boy have worked out why he was
still putting on weight - his dog was losing weight!
South Carolina takes the lead in hate! Texas is only
fourth, but we're hoping to pick up some good draft picks out of
the Middle East.
Ex-Secretary of State Powell joins bidding for baseball team
"Thank you for calling the Prince Edward Island suicide hotline.
Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 9am to 5pm."
Thieves steal priceless sex toys from brothel museum in Butte
A racy photo from a high school party with a Playboy theme has
sent alumni of the school into shock, and really
pissed off the ones who weren't invited.
A new murder defense: "Yeah, I did it, but, dude, I was really
Adam and Ed? Conclusive new research proves first two humans
were gay. Kinda makes you wonder how there came to be
six or seven billion of us.
Urban Legends: "A bar of soap between the bedsheets will help
prevent nocturnal leg cramps." Verdict: Undetermined.
Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, the so-called
'Godfathers of Miramax' will each direct 60-minute horror films
for a project titled GRIND HOUSE
- "The two segments will be packaged together, along with
trailers, bonus material and extras from other filmmakers, to
replicate the grindhouse flicks, that were too violent or
sexual to run in mainstream theaters."
Ken Jennings defeated handily by a new King of the Nerds
UK company launches in-car toilet
- "The company says that the chemicals break down waste into
a "sweet smelling, inoffensive liquid", which can be disposed
of at the end of a journey."
- At last, the quest for the Philosoper's Stone has truly
ended - we can change shit into Mountain Dew
- Father's Day gift suggestion, assuming your dad is gay.
Barry Manilow Official Merchandise Store: The "Music and Passion
- Now here is a worthwhile project!
Adam Sandler talks about remaking Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Catholic Group outraged by Penn and Teller Show
making fun of Mother Teresa.
- The Catholic League Spokesman declared (I did not make
this quote up, honest) "Like most Americans, I like parodies
and have no problem, per se, with irreverent humor. But when
humor becomes insult, that is a different story."
- So apparently he only enjoys the highly popular
non-insulting form of irreverent humor! The kind of irreverent
humor that is ... um ... reverent!
- ... or, more likely, what he really means is that only
enjoys irreverence when it makes fun of things considered
sacred by others!
- If you are interested,
this is the show Mr Donohue is discussing
BUSH TWINS CUT SHORT MIDEAST TRIP ... Arab World
Gives Thumbs Down to Spring Break-themed Diplomatic Mission
- "Just days after First Lady Laura Bush was heckled during
her diplomatic mission to the Middle East, Bush twins Barbara
and Jenna Bush cut short a Middle Eastern trip of their own as
the White House acknowledged that sending the fun-loving twins
to the volatile region was a really bad idea."
- We ran this material back in December, but it's worth
Norwegian skier Ingvild Engesland, 22, deeply regrets posing
nude for soft porn magazine Lek, and is surprised by how much
attention it generated.
Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood Get Engaged in Public
Justin Timberlake is reportedly set to play a gay man in Will
The Battle of New Orleans re-enacted in Legos.
- I suppose this must have been the worst defeat in British
Military History before they lost Singapore in 1942. Although
they outnumbered the Americans two or three to one, they
suffered 700 dead and 2000 wounded or captured, while a couple
of Americans scuffed their knees.
Monitor your wife, girlfriend, or daughter 24/7 with GPS panties
Stressed? At last, here is the pill you really need.
Here is pretty much every significant frame of the new Bat-novie
Burt Reynolds bitch-slaps CBS producer. Check out
this picture of Burt. He's gotta be up there with Cher in the
lifetime leaders for most money spent on cosmetic surgery, and
also vies with George Hamilton for the man-tan award.
Here's the video of the Burt Reynolds Slap Attack. It
seems to me that Burt was just kiddin' around, not angry, and
that this story is a whole lot o' nothin'.
Barring any further delays, Michelle Monaghan (not Katie Holmes)
has been cast as Tom Cruise's love interest in M:I 3.
Although that will undoubtedly have changed by the time you read
eBay item - Handmade Princess Leia Sock Monkey
There are now five clips from High Tension, and four of them are
A dozen clips and a half dozen "webisodes" for Lords of Dogtown
Underwood the new 'American Idol' - there were 500 million votes
cast in this competition
Merchant-Ivory is now just Ivory. Producer Ismail
Merchant is dead at 68.
Iranians trick Europe again.
- One more time, Iranian officials promised the EU that they
would refrain from developing nuclear weapons - in exchange
for plenty of economic enticements. (Then, of course, they
will still have the exact same nuclear weapons program - and a
lot more money to put into it!)
- The Europeans also told Iran they could have Austria and
the Sudetenland as long as they signed a little piece of paper
guaranteeing peace for our time.
- The UK has a slightly different attitude toward TV
The Ofcom regulator gave the all-clear to programs about sex
with animals. Y'know, I might even have loved Raymond
if he had had on-camera sex with wild beasts.
An 86-year-old woman has been released from jail after being
accused of calling 911 dispatchers twenty times to complain
about a pizza parlor.
Defense Rests in Michael Jackson Trial
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Finally...here are the results of our recent "Most Overrated Movie" poll
.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.
Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we take a trip back in the old "Time Machine" and land in 1984
for a look at "Biohazard", one of Fred Olen Ray's earlier films.
Now this is a really bad movie, but it's so bad you just wind up laughing
at it. The best part is actually the bloopers that run with the screen credits
at the end.
It does however give 2 reasons for sticking with it.
First we have Angelique Pettyjohn showing off her massive hooters as
she has them kissed and fondled. This lady had a rather strange history
she was at one time featured in the old TV series "Get Smart" in a recurring
role, moved on to B-Movies and later did some porn flicks. Sadly she passed
away at an early age from cancer.
We also have very nice toplessness from Loren Crabtree in a bathtub scene. This is her only
credited role according to IMDB
- Angelique Pettyjohn
- Loren Crabtree
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
Funhouse classic with all around nudity by Liz although it appears
in some scenes she has the genitalia of a Barbie Doll.
This movie is still an embarrassment to the Canadian film industry
because it's still the Canada's most commercially successful movie.
Kim Cattrall really hated doing this movie because while she had
a no-topless clause in her contract she forgot to get a no-bottomless clause.
"A Certain Sacrifice" (1978)
Grade-Z arthouse film starring an unknown 20 year-old
Madonna Louise Ciccone. Released in 1985 after she became famous.
This movie was shot about the same time she was posing nude for
photograhs which would show up many years later in both hefmag and guccimag.
- Madonna: topless getting gangbanged.
"Cafe Society" (1995)
Something you don't see in many Hollywood movies,
an A-list actress spitting out sperm after
giving a blow job.
"A Knight's Tale" (2001)
Medieval movie set to rock music.
"Sweet Angel Mine' (1995)
Last movie for Margaret Langrick from My American Cousin.
She was seen a year later with the film's director Curtis Radclyffe
with a baby in tow.
Moccasin Flats II: episode In the Mix
Episode I kept on missing until this week.
Show Me Yours II: episode Pandora's Box
Just about everyone had sex in this week's episode.
|The long time Fun House favorite and B-movie queen showing off her bum and former robo-boobs while gettin' it on with a lesser Baldwin in scenes from "Spider's Web" (2001).
|Jennifer Jason Leigh
|Señor Skin 'caps of the "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" star still looking great topless 20+ years later in scenes from the indie film "The Machinist" (2004).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
UNDERWOOD NAMED "IDOL," AMERICA GOES BACK TO SLEEP NOW
So Carrie Did It With Paula? - Wednesday night, Carrie Underwood was named the
latest "American Idol" over rocker Bo Bice, but the reaction was not
universally positive. Fox's website was flooded with angry posts from Bo
fans, swearing never to watch again and accusing the show of being rigged.
Some items that aroused their suspicions: Simon Cowell had called Carrie
the winner from day one and seldom criticized even her most off-key
performances...Some polls showed the public preferred Bo by up to
2-to-1...And the UK's Independent newspaper site posted an article about
"AI" creator Simon Fuller on Tuesday that referred to Carrie as this year's
winner, then quickly yanked it with no explanation.
What can they say? They're psychic!
There's a simple explanation: It wasn't supposed to run until Thursday.
That's okay, Bo already achieved his greatest ambition: he met Lynyrd
Bo's fans said he'll be another Clay Aiken...So Bo killed himself.
Even non-fans had to admit Carrie looked sharp...Sounded sharp, too.
JACKSON DEFENSE RESTS
"Surprise?" - In a surprise move, Michael Jackson's defense rested without
ever calling him to testify. Jackson's attorney had told the jury that
Michael would tell them his side, but legal analysts think he decided
Jackson is a loose cannon and it would be dangerous to let him talk. They
hope they have tarnished the accusers and prosecution witnesses enough to
create reasonable doubt that he molests boys and to promote the idea that
he's just a harmless, eccentric man-child who likes to sleep with boys.
More than anything on Earth...
Other than that, he's a responsible caregiver who generously provides
other people's children with free wine and porn.
In summation: "My client is not a perv, he's a retard!"
Is there such a thing as a "reasonable" doubt that Michael Jackson is a
Besides, if they put him on the stand, he'd start sweating and his face
would fall off.
HIP-HOP STARS SQUANDER ON SERVANTS
Assault And Batteries - Stuff magazine reports on the silly and demeaning
things music stars have servants for. Mariah Carey employs a "petite
Colombian woman" just to keep her long skirts from touching the floor and
to carry a backpack full of bottled water. Rapper N.O.R.E. has a flunky
who stands onstage and swings a towel to hype up the crowd. Nelly has a
"personal jewelry jockey" to tote his bling. And Ludacris has a toadie
whose only job is to make sure his Gameboy always has fresh batteries.
Now, THAT'S Ludacris!
Their financial advisor: M.C. Hammer.
These aren't easy jobs: Nelly's bling weighs 300 pounds.
But they're not extravagant: none of these people make over $200,000 a
|A quick site note
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