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The Gist and Lawdog

"Sorority House Massacre" (1986)

I have the distinct pleasure of recommending another Maltin "bomb." Corman's Sorority House Massacre followed his three picture Slumber Party Massacre series, and gives us another slasher attacks young (sometimes naked) coeds exploitation classic. In this one, the heroine comes back to college after the death of her aunt, and begins having terrible nightmares and hallucinations. Turns out the sorority house was the scene of a grizzly multiple murder. Enjoy the images, and brace yourself for Sorority House Massacre 2 and Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2 and 3 over the next few days, as all 5 were released this week. These are no worse than other slasher films that the critics like more. I thought it maintained enough tension to be frightening, and it held my interest.

  • Thumbnails

  • Angela O'Neill (1, 2, 3)
  • Nicole Rio (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Pamela Ross (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Wendy Martel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3)
  • Johnny Web

    "La Compagna di Viaggio" (1989) By Johnny Web and Tomcat

    According to Tomcat, this is a 1980 Italian film with a bunch of people on a train stealing each other's suitcases and lovers.

    Sorry to say I have missed this in my travels. And hope to continue doing so.

  • Serena Grandi (1, 2)
  • Anna Maria Rizzoli
  • Marina Frajese in the movie
  • Marina Frajese from another source, for reference.

    "Magnolia" (1999)

    I reviewed this film in the July 26th edition, when it came out on video. It came out this week on DVD.

    It is a brilliant movie. Three hours and eleven minutes of daring, funny, gut-wrenching, and often strange action and interaction between about a dozen characters whose lives intersect with or parallel the lives of other characters.

    P.T. Anderson showed some great talent in "Hard Eight" and "Boogie Nights", but never this kind of talent. He put his heart and soul into this film, hired the best cast in existence, and laid it all on the line. Biblical plagues, group chorus numbers - things that sound stupid on paper, but that generate powerful screen moments.

  • The Rotten Tomatoes index: 80%. 57 good reviews, 14 negative. It scored 82% from the elite critics. The negatives said it was pretentious, overlong, self-indulgent, and a sprawling mess. Among the distinguished reviewers, only Salon Magazine panned it. Since their reviewer is a good writer and a good movie critic, here is Salon's review. so you can see the other side of the coin. I guess this is necessary because my review is virtually an encomium, if not outright canonization.
  • IMDb viewers rated it 8.3 out of 10. The puts it high among the top 100 movies of all time, ahead of such masterpieces as A Clockwork Orange, Python's Grail, Alien, etc. Be advised that recent movies do better than older ones, but I generally agree with the rating anyway.
  • Movie goers didn't flock to see the film, as is typical with a very serious, long, and aesthetic film. It was released only in selected theaters, ala American Beauty (1000 screens in January). It grossed 22 million dollars on a 37 million dollar budget. It won't lose money, after factoring in foreign sales and other domestic revenues.

    Brilliant ensemble acting, featuring a surprising self-parodying performance from Tom Cruise that is both scathingly funny and touching. He was nominated for an Oscar.

    The film was not Oscar nominated. (American Beauty, Cider House Rules, The Green Mile, The Insider, Sixth Sense). Although that is a good list, in my opinion, it is without question a greater achievement than at least four of those films, and the other one is debatable. American Beauty is more polished and refined, but Magnolia is just up there in its sheer youthful love of filmmaking and compassion for the human race.

    The DVD is a two DVD set, which includes one entire additional movie - more than an hour long - which is a detailed diary of the films creation and release, and is fascinating. This set is a must-own for any serious film fan. (Speaking of which, Terminator 2 also came out this week in a two DVD set, which includes three different versions of the film!)

    PTA is only 30 years old. Here is what's scary: he has now accomplished as much by his 30th birthday as famed boy genius Orson Welles. What does the kid still have in 'im?

  • Here's an updated collage of Melora Walters from the DVD.

    "The Next Best Thing" (2000)

    This is more or less an extrapolation of the real-life relationship of Madonna to her friend Rupert Everett. To refresh your memory, Everett is the big, openly gay, handsome lug who wants to be the first gay James Bond.

    Anyway, the movie Everett and Madonna are both down one night, and they get drunk and get it on and she ends up getting pregnant. She wanted a baby anyway, so she goes through with it, and the gay dad decides to move in with her and be the child's father, although the parents will each pursue their own lives in other matters. Very enlightened.

    Things work out great for many years until Madonna falls in love with a guy who lives in another state. She decides that she can just take her son and go, but Everett and his family don't see it that way. The parents go through some ugliness, and some court battles, and the movie is about their attempts to resolve the matter.

    I guess you can deduce from that summary whether you want to spend any time on this slice-of-life character based comedy/drama. Madonna dances only around the living room, and she sings only briefly and informally (although this quiet duet with Rupert Everett, over the casket at a friend's funeral, was the best scene in the movie.)

    Although not a great film, this movie isn't a stinker on the level of "Supernova" or "I Dreamed of Africa". In fact, I thought parts of this film were quite touching, it was slickly produced, there was some humor, and the characters were developed quite well. I didn't mind watching it at all, and never touched the remote. But this one also bombed with both critics and filmgoers.

  • The Rotten Tomatoes index: 169%! Ten positive reviews, 54 negative.
  • IMDb viewers rated it only 5.0 out of 10.
  • Despite wide release (2000+ screens in March), it grossed 15 million dollars on a 25 million dollar budget.

    Believe it or not, screen legend John Schlesinger (Billy Liar, Midnight Cowboy, and many other fine films) directed this movie. He is now in his mid 70's.

    The biggest negative, in my book: Madonna now speaks exclusively in perfectly modulated tones with her new refined accent. This would be fine if she were doing public service announcements, but is much too stiff to bring vitality to her character, and she seems to deliver all her lines with the hollow self-awareness of a Stepford Wife. I don't really understand it. To me, Madonna's great success was generated by her vitality and daring. Now that's all under control and she delivers every line like one of those official spokespersons for the British royal family. WTF? I'd like to see Madonna do a Jessica Lange - let us see her as a person, breasts sagging a bit, face dirty, makeup running, hair unkempt, face contorted with rage, whatever is really deep down underneath the expensive clothing and the Henry Higgins articulation lessons.

    Anyway, the material girl showed off her still magnificent buns, as well as her breasts in a diaphanous bra. I suppose the bra was cool, since it allowed her to show off the shape she wanted, and allowed the rest of us to see the goodies.

  • Here's Madonna (1, 2)

    "Road House" (1989) from Johnny Web and Tomcat

    A cinema classic. Hard to believe it was made in 1989, because it includes so many details which would have been considered cliches in 1939.

    Here's the idea. Before I start, I need to tell you that this takes place in the present, not in the Old West. That's important, because it's really just an old western, as you'll see when you read through the plot summary. Hint: think Shane

    A powerful landowner with a savage taste for hunting gets all his kicks from his domination of a small town and all its inhabitants. Ben Gazzara plays this part. Don't miss the scene where Gazzara sings "Shboom, shboom"! Ben comes complete with all the movie evil accoutrements, like llama heads in his paneled den. How hard could it be to kill a llama? They are big clumsy-looking pack animals and they don't live in places where they can hide or run away. In my den, I have the heads of dairy cows. Now that's good hunting. I also enjoy hunting for Koalas. They sometimes go for hours without muscle movement, so you don't have to waste any bullets.

    Only one man is prepared to challenge Big Ben. The owner of a local bar simply wants to fix up his old joint and live his life, but Gazzara's goons keep roughing up the joint and scaring off the paying customers and demanding the usual "protection" money. How to fight back? The owner of the bar just happens to know the world's greatest bouncer. Oh, and the bouncer brings along his mentor, and together they stand tall against Ben and his henchmen.

    The world's greatest bouncer is Patrick Swayze, then one of the hottest properties in filmdom after his success two years earlier in "Dirty Dancing". He's a piece of work. He wears a stoic expression, perhaps because he studied the Stoics while obtaining his Ph.D. in Philosophy from NYU. He also wears expensive Armani clothing (black is his color) and drives a Mercedes. Being an itinerant and lonely bouncer cleaning up run-down Midwestern dives isn't that glamorous, but the pay must be sweet. No wonder he gave up his professorship.

    Of course, his immersion in the highlights of human thought have given him the insight necessary to utter such lines as "Pain don't hurt". There will be a test on this later. I think that line probably cracked me up more than any other in film history. The previous record holder, not surprisingly, had been in a comedy, "only the singing Hitlers over here. Dancing Hitlers over there." (You film buffs know the movie). Anyway, my buds and I swaggered around for years, whenever we would see each other, and intoned "pain don't hurt". Interesting question for the philosophers amongst you. If pain don't hurt, what does? And why do they call it pain? I'll leave the answers up to you, because these "trees falling in an empty forest" questions always hurt my head, and because "I ain't got time to bleed". (Another trivia reference for you film buffs thanks to Governor the body Ventura.).

    Although, interestingly enough, when my head hurts there can be no pain, because.... (Your answer here).

    I told you there would be a test.

    There is also an interesting fight scene. Swayze is battling a knife-wielding goon. He relieves the guy of his knife with some proven technique of ancient Zen philosophy. Confucius once wrote that while the pen is mightier that the sword, he would prefer to deliver an enemy not a witty epigram from his quill, but a swift kick in the nuts from his pointed shoes. My translation from Mandarin may be a bit inexact. Anyway, somehow the knife mysteriously reappears in the guy's hand, and Swayze uses the exact same maneuver to taunt him and remove the knife a second time. An important lesson for us all. If you have to do a second take on a scene - why waste it?

    Oh, and the back-up cast. Make room for wrestler Terry Funk and Kevin Tighe. Tighe plays a guy named Tilghman, presumably so he won't have to learn any new consonants.

    Oh, and the dancing. Remember this is a forgotten town about as run-down as the mining camp in "Paint Your Wagon", but all the chicks in the bar can dance broadway schtick.

    Anyway, not many movies are so bad they are good. Most bad movies are bad because they are boring. But this one is not boring for a minute. In fact, "Road House" is one of the greatest comedies ever filmed, although I don't think the filmmakers were aware of it. It is worth watching, and has a great rock 'n roll score, but I strongly suggest that you do so under the influence of mood-altering substances and in the company of like-minded goofballs.

    Bottom line - ya gotta see it.

    Director Rowdy Harrington took a decade to recover from this debacle, but he wrote and directed a pretty tight little thriller last year, "A Murder of Crows". That's the one with Cuba Gooding and Tom Berenger where the guy steals the book of a dead man, publishes it as his own, then has to prove he's not the murderer implicated by facts in the book. (That one had some nudity in it, and I'll get to it in time)

    Kelly Lynch was a beauty who actually had a career around 1989-1990, but whose time at the top was short. If you've been waiting for her comeback, you'll see her soon in Charlie's Angels!

    You can see more nudity from her in "Warm Summer Rain", in which she is stark naked from every possible angle, and her body is flawless. I would very much like for Warm Summer Rain to be released on DVD, and I faithfully promise to sell lots of copies with my nudity comments.

    She also did some brief nudity in "Home Grown", "Cold around the Heart", and "Persons Unknown". The Bare Facts reports that her breasts are also exposed in the Mickey Rourke film, "The Desperate Hours", which I haven't seen and have no caps from. If anybody has this scene, please send us the goodies so we can share them!

  • Here's Kelly (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • RoSSol
    A very special thanks to Rossol for these 'caps and comments!

    Finnish women from "Levottomat".

    It will be a while before I watch this film again because I'm quite fed up with it after working with these 28 caps for too long... Anyway - here they are now. "Levottomat" (aka Restless) has been the biggest hit in Finnish cinema this year and not less so because of it's strong sexual content (wouldn't make it to R rating in the US...) But this is not a B-movie, and not a soft core flick, but rather a serious attempt to depict the lives of some well off, sexually immature post teens in Finland.

    It has been out on video (no sign of a DVD yet!) for more than two weeks, so I'm sorry I've been this slow with my work! Nothing very fancy image editing here - too many raw caps to bother with seamless stuff - just trying to bring you the best frames with as good quality as possible! Some images I've used twice for the collages with bigger images. Now on with the show - some nude Finns ahead (turn a blind eye to the males - couldn't edit them all out!)

    My comments about this movie from last February:
    "Story in brief: Ari's life is empty: "nothing feels like anything". This feeling includes sex - he has it a lot but it's not special. One night, one or two girls, next night, new girls. He has more sex in one summer than a normal guy in a decade...

    Comes along Tiina (Laura Malmivaara) who falls in love with Ari and doesn't let him go. Ari goes and fucks all Tiina's (female) friends (Irina Björklund and Matleena Kuusniemi) and some others too. We get to see all this. And this is not a porn film, but a reasonably good erotic drama, even though it suffers from strong underlining of certain aspects of the script.

    As said this film has a very high nudity factor. There has been talk about it whether the sex scenes are for real, as the director claims, or not. If someone wants to see the actual penetration this is not the film for you - there are plenty of those in the market, you know! But the scenes are very realistic and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was some "real" action in them. But the reality is not measured by the penetration alone. Laura Malmivaara does a very brief Maruschka Detmers impersonation when starting to give Ari a blowjob. She and Matleena get their pussies eaten and Laura gives us a clear view of her lower lips as well... No optional clothes in the sex scenes. Everybody's naked (also the guys, so this film suits well for the both sexes...) And yes, the group scene is there too, but it shows a bit too many men (not gays, but anyway) and not enough of women."

    Laura Malmivaara
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    Laura is one of the female leads - showing quite a bit here and even doing what Amanda Ooms and Maruschka Detmers did better...
    Irina Björklund
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    My absolute favourite and well approved by the IBTC! Too bad she didn't show as much as the other two lead actresses, but she drops her kit quite easily so there will be more of her in the future, I'm sure.
    Jaana Järvinen
    (1, 2)
    I possibly could have done without her nude scene, but her being well over 40 she doesn't hurt your eyes either.
    Matleena Kuusniemi
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    Her claim to the fame have been the recent risque roles both in TV and on big screen, so those of us who prefer the bigger natural mounds than IBT's are happy to explore these.
    Niina Kurkinen
    (1, 2, 3)
    A Finnish model testing her wings as an actress - and she still doesn't know how to fly is my opinion. Apparently the best parts of this scene ended up to the cutting room's floor. A shame. I added one of the old preview collages here, including the bird's eye view that was not in the movie.
    Kirsi Tarvainen

    Wanda Dubiel

    Wanda apparently bares her bush but the shadows are too dark for any gamma correction... This 24-old is half a Pole and half a Finn by the way. The blonde, Kirsi Tarvainen, is 39.
    Tarja Saikkonen & Saara Hilpinen
    (1, 2)
    These two girls are picked up as guests for the stag night that later turns into a group sex session..! They are both over eighteen, but in the film their age raises some moral questions next morning... ;-) This is the scene I think would cause a major hiccup for the censors in the US for example. Tarja Saikkonen (19 years old) is not to be confused with another Tarja Saikkonen, a senior actress & director, who - I assure you - most of you don't want to see naked! Tarja doesn't seem to be shy when it comes to on-screen nudity because this is her second nude scene in two films. Of Saara Hilpinen I'm not so sure - she doesn't show very much here and I think I have caps of her covering the goodies from another film too.
    Laura Malmivaara, Irina Björklund and Matleena Kuusniemi
    (1, 2)
    Here we have all the main actresses running buck-naked to the sea for a swim - a lovely summer sight that luckily quite often takes place in the real life too with our Finnish sauna culture! (Okay - not with these three but with 'normal' chicks... But it doesn't make it any less lovely!) The second collage has our girls dressed and still looking pretty nice, especially Matleena...
    Animation & Imagination

    Laura Malmivaara

    Laura, Irina, and Matleena

    Finally some 'action'... Two animated gifs mainly to amuse you! In first we see what Laura Malmivaara was up to with that guy. The scene in film is very short, here it continues forever... In second happens something that actually doesn't happen, but it seems that Irina is groping something that she herself doesn't have but Matleena does...
    Helen Mirren
    (1, 2)
    More of Helen from 1969's "Age of Consent". #2 is my choice of these two.
    Ina Weisse Very nice topless captures from "Liebestod".
    Claudia Udy Claudia in 'caps from "Dragonard". Note...this woman gives Farrah Fawcett a serious run for the money in the "most erect nipples" category. She should be careful...she could put an eye out with those things!
    Michelle Brin Once again..late night coverage from Helcrom! An excellent mix today, including a few vidcaps like these from "Secret Games" going all the way back to 1992! Or on my new calendar...3 BI (3 years Before Internet.) Seriously, in my web geek life everything before 1995 is from a different world.

    I'm working hard to get people to adopt my calendar, but so far it's slow going. One friend suggested that the new calendar should be metric. Although that may be more of a change than I'm ready for.

    I've been toying with the letters AW..."in the year of our web" instead of AD (in the year of our lord). Although I fear two things could happen with that...Either the Root Beer guys will sue, or Bill Gates will. If it's Bill, it's because he interprets the meaning to be "in the year of our Windows"

    Rachel Hayward Vidcaps from "Premonition".
    Tane McClure Showing off the goods as usual in these 'caps from "Scorned 2".
    Sabrina Mesko More from the ancient 90's movie "Secret Games".
    Monique Parent Still more from the pre-grunge soft core flick, "Secret Games".
    Amanda Plummer From "American Perfekt". We ran a collage by Graphic Response of Amanda from this movie a few days ago. Personally...I didn't want to see her naked the first time! But hey! Someone probably likes her, so for all 3 of you...Enjoy with my blessing!
    Catya Sassoon Ooh, la, la....Vidal's little girl! You figure with that kind of family money she could have bought a better pair of boobs! Vidcaps once again from "Secret Games".
    Wendy Schumacher For anyone who read my review last week about "Counter Measures" and actually managed to watch it on cable or is the topless exposure of Wendy that we were denied. These 'caps from "Scorned 2"
    Delia Sheppard Topless 'caps of the former Pet from "Secret Games".
    Kimberly Williams A misc. blonde bim from "Secret Games". NOT to be confused with the "Father of the Bride" Kimberly Williams.
    and ...
    Nava Vidcaps by Donbun from "The Coroner". No one on this end has any clue who she is. Any guesses?
    Shania Twain
    (1, 2)
    Two fantastic collages by Bobdfish of Shania and her cleavage from the UK show "Top of the Pops". Just a guess, but it looks like her cleavage may have it's own tour bus...WOW! I can't stand country music, (except when I've way too many cocktails, and even then only as a joke) But...I can watch Shania all day. The woman is beautiful, sexy, and she really can sing.

    On a side note...I think I would have to offer up Shania as a leading contender for bustiest musician. Who else comes close? (I'm talking non-plus sized performers only.)

    The Funnies
    This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was:
    "Best Comeback Line Ever."

    In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

    "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

    "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

    Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

    Shallow end of the gene pool

    These people should not be allowed to venture out into society...
    Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

    A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

    A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

    A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

    Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

    A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

    When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

    A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

    Homossassa, FL. A man went into a hardware store to apply for a job. After completing his application he then went to the section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

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