"National Lampoon's Gold Diggers"
National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003) is another of the too frequent completely lame comedies from National Lampoon. Two orphans tire of working for minimum wage, and move to Hollywood to pursue a promising new career as purse snatchers. On their first attempt, dressed as a rabbi and a nun, they pull off a woman's prosthetic arm, which she proceeds to beat them with until the cops arrive. They learn their lesson, and, upon release, decide to try armed robbery on two old ladies. They hadn't counted on mace, and are again in jail.
Meanwhile, we learn that the two old ladies, sisters and heirs to a condom fortune, have been swindled out of their money by an uncle. They decide to spring our two heroes, marry, insure and then kill them. When our heroes see their mansion, they decide to marry then outlive the sisters. These are not marriages made in heaven, and soon everyone wants to kill each other, but they keep missing, and the body count mounts.
The only thing of merit in this entire film is Nikki Ziering¹s tits, which she shows first as a fantasy girl, then later as the new girlfriend of one of our heroes. There are out takes from her nude scenes in the special features. IMDb readers have this at 3.3. I agree. Stupid idea, stupid screenplay, poor execution. As an aside, it could have been worse. They proved it on the DVD with alternate opening and closing scenes. This is a D.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
National Lampoon's Gold Diggers (2003 or 2004):
This film is also known as "Lady Killers".
In discussing the
worst films of 2004, we found that
the contest was nearly a runaway for Superbabies. That move, after
all, got no positive reviews, and was rated the worst of
all time at IMDb. As you can well imagine, that stupefying level of
incompetence nearly blew away the
competition, and yet National Lampoon's Gold Diggers refused to
surrender. Gold Diggers matched Superbabies with 0% positive reviews
at Rotten Tomatoes and when Metacritic did their end of the year
accounting, the final tallies were 9/100 for Superbabies and 6/100
for Gold Diggers. Given that fact, in concert with the IMDb score of
Superbabies, the director of Gold Diggers may proudly and rightfully
boast of having made a movie worse than the worst movie of all time,
a paradox comparable in complexity only to the Mudd's Robots
Given that he made fun of Catholic orphanages in this
school, and is therefore probably excommunicated and banned from the
sacrament of confession, Gary Preisler, the man who wrote and
directed this film, will need to contact one of those sin eaters to
obtain forgiveness for this effort. And I'm not just talking about a
regular old garden variety sin eater who can chow down on the taste
of your having filched a few bucks from your mom's penny jar,
nosiree. This guy needs the Marlon Brando of sin eaters, a man who
could chow down every crumb of the seven deadly sins of Larry Flynt
and Hitler at an all-you-can-eat buffet, a man who can even eat
gluttonously when he consumes the rich taste of Gluttony itself.
I suppose you can guess from my expertise in this
topic that I tried to be a sin eater myself, but I could never
swallow my Pride.
I did learn however, that Envy goes best with a Pinot
But enough about me. Could there be more to say about
the film? Oh, there's more. Consider this: the topline
above-the-title star of this film, the headliner, so to speak, is
the redheaded doofus who played The Sherminator in American Pie.
Or consider the DVD box. Riddle me this, Batman. How do you fill the
box with written blurbs capable of marketing a film with zero
percent positive reviews? Even the notorious quote whore, "Earl
Dittman of Wireless Magazine" was abstaining from this one. The guy
who wrote the DVD box did a helluva job at spinning this. Since no
reviewers used any positive adjectives, he quoted the negative
adjectives which might at least provoke some sales to people who
like gross-out comedies, hoping that the people in that
highly-targeted audience would see those
negative characteristics as positives. He also quoted only one adjective
at a time, completely separated from the context in which the words were
originally used. These are the reviews used on the box:
"Tasteless" - The Seattle Post Intelligencer
"Offensive" - The Washington Post
"Low-brow" - The New York Daily News
"Raunchy, offensive" - The Hollywood Reporter
"Ultra-crass contribution to the Lampoon shelf" -
All of those reviewers actually said those things,
but I'm sure they never dreamed their comments would be quoted to
sell the DVD! If you want to see what reviewers really thought of
this film, click on the Rotten Tomatoes link and just read the one
line summaries of each review. It will bring a much leaded uplift
to sagging spirits!
Two young losers concoct a plan to get rich by
marrying two very old heiresses who live in a beautiful Beverly
Hills Mansion. Shortly after the dual wedding ceremony, the boys
decide they need to accelerate nature's course a bit because the
old women are not dying fast enough, so they conspire to kill them.
Unfortunately for our lads, and unknown to them, the women
have fallen on hard times since their father invented condoms, and
their evil uncle has hijacked their fortune from them. The only hope
for the old biddies to save their crumbling lifestyle was to pretend
they were still rich, marry two young gold diggers, insure them, kill
them, and reap the rewards.
Thus, everyone is trying to kill everyone else. There
is no wit in the murder plots. The performing is annoying, crass and
lowbrow. The only alleged humor in the film
basically consists of the boys' ongoing disgust at having to have
oral sex with incredibly old women, one of whom is permanently
That's the film. Toss in a convenient happy ending,
and you have the wrap-up.
I guess I could cite three points of interest:
To be fair, the finished film doesn't look bad
If you are into 70s nostalgia, the old gals are
played by Renee Taylor and Louise Lasser. Lasser, who was married to
Woody Allen in the sixties, and was once a hot star in the soap
spoof "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" (1976-77), plays the shy sister.
The sexual predator is played by Taylor, who garnered an Oscar
nomination in 1970 for her script for Lovers and Other Strangers,
and won other writing awards for that film as well as for Made for
The DVD fares a little better than the PG-13 theatrical release,
since some flesh has been inserted, albeit clumsily, in the form of
dream sequences in which one of the boys fantasizes the life he will
someday have with former playmate Nikki Ziering, assuming that his
horny old wife finally dies. The DVD version of these sequences is
"unrated", but would be rated "R" based upon the frequent
appearances of Miss Ziering's impressive aftermarket hooters. (The
theatrical version of the film, given neither wits nor tits, was a
comedy with absolutely no merit of any kind, yet somehow, defying
all logic, this sucker ended up on 1000 screens.)
- Nikki Ziering (1,
A Texas lawyer was arrested yesterday and charged with offering to
provide legal services in exchange for a sex act and some hot
girl-on-girl action. And the worst part is he's my
- He isn't really, but he's on our school board and lives a
stone's throw away, assuming you have a helluvan arm. His
daughter was a state champion in gymnastics at my daughter's
The Hair Archives is a website devoted to vintage hair fashion.
- What happens when you mix canned corn with trailer trash and
The oddest porno pic of the day.
- From New York with love.
Scotty da Blue Bunny wishes youse a Happy Fuckin' Easter
Hey Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a
Free PlayStation 2!
- Landover Baptist has an especially devout Easter edition.
Easter Bunny Bludgeoned to Death Before Cheering Crowd of
iowahawk: Redneck Haiku
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
Script Review of the new Superdude movie.
The official site for The Office includes a deleted scene.
Mischa Barton as Wonder Woman??? I don't know if WW can
have an accent, but if so, I vote for Monica Bellucci.
Charlie Sheen is furious that friends of his estranged wife,
Denise Richards, have been telling Us Weekly he has a sex, drug
and gambling problem.
- Richards' pals say Sheen paid a hooker $15,000 for sex,
gambled away up to $400,000, and has been using prescription
- I call shenanigans on that. OK, the rest might be true, but
Charlie would never go over twelve large for a 'tute.
- Play ball!
Underwear maker celebrates new Japanese baseball team with special
Vampire bats run on the ground. And they never drink
Tom Sizemore sentenced to 17 months in jail for drug-related
charges. The judge rules that Sizemore could serve all
17 months, or that he and Michael Madsen can serve 8 1/2 months
A trailer and five clips from The Edukators
- Jan, Peter and Jule are living out their rebellious youth.
They are united by their passion to change the state of the
world. Jan and Peter become "The Edukators," mysterious
perpetrators who non-violently warn the local rich their "days
of plenty are numbered." Complications follow when vulnerable
Jule ends up falling for both young men. Reckless choices result
in danger. An operation gone wrong and what was never intended
to be a kidnapping brings the three young idealists face-to-face
with the values of the generation in power.
WhiteHouseTapes.org :: The secret White House tapes and recordings
of Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Roosevelt, Truman, and
No quiero Taco Bell.: "A southwest Florida woman was
sentenced to 30 days in jail for killing her neighbor's Chihuahua
with a shotgun, telling the dog's owner in court that she was
scared when it attacked her."
President Bush's approval drops to an all-time low.
(Gas prices are seen as the cause.)
On the Daily Show's Plague-O-Meter, bird flu is somewhere between
Monkeypoxy and Downright SARSish.
Jon Stewart and Ozzy Osbourne discuss the true Prince of Darkness,
The Daily Show's Senior War Correspondent Steve Carell is back
after being imbedded for over two years.
Sin City is sitting on 100% positive at the moment. And
these are not kinda good reviews, but deliriously happy reviewers.
T-rex find could bring Jurassic Park to life!
FASCINATING SIDEBAR: the most similar modern animal to a T-Rex is
- The headline of the day comes early:
Swiss Fighting Cows Face Drug Test. So in Switzerland
you can attend a cow fight? Kinda handy. You don't really need a
drink vendor in the stadium - if you're thirsty, just milk the
contestants. Man that sounds so good I can't believe they don't
mention it in the tourist brochures. "Let's get ready for some cow
stomachs to RUMBLE." For sheer fightin' spirit, Rocky had the eye
of the tiger, but Switzerland has the cold, lifeless stare of the
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
This week's poll is another look at a poll from a few years ago...
Best Sex Scene in a Mainstream Movie
For this poll it's A-list only. No skinemax or adult stuff. You'll also notice a lack of lesbian lovin'....I'm saving that for another poll.
Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.
Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
Today from the Ghost...a few video clips featuring plenty of gratuitous nudity in scenes from the 80's slasher flicks, "Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers" (1988) and "Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland" (1989).
For some reason, in 2002 they resurrected the series with "Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor" and currently there is a part five in production. For those who are fans of the series, or just in case you want to buy some Sleepaway camp merchandise...here's the official Sleepaway Camp series website.
First up, from "Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers".
- Valerie Hartman zipped .wmvs. Topless girls cabin scene in links 1-2, topless sex scenes in links 3-5.
Next up, the vids from "Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland".
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"Drying Up the Streets" (1978)
Find of the week. Canadian drama about a father
trying to get his runaway daughter (Sarah Torgov
from Meatballs) off the streets where
she got sucked into the porn industry.
Released a year before Hardcore.
Turkey of the week.
Dreadful romance starring Gabe Kaplan of Welcome Back Kotter fame.
Saved only by the bountiful bosom of his co-lead Bernadette Peters.
Richard Harris/Christopher Plummer comedy.
Godiva's episode The Hungry Ghost
Second episode of the series and it's evident who's
providing most of the skin.
- Leah Cairns (1,
2): topless sunbathing in first episode,
topless sex scene in second episode.
Meegwetch music video
Human Cargo: part 5
- Cara Pifko: nude sex scene obscured by shower curtain.
"Thank You Satan" (1989)
Rather dull France-Canada comedy
other than the housecat who likes to watch hardcore
sex cartoons on the television set. But no nudity
by the regular live action stars.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
You won't want to gather the kiddies to watch this 1979 musical comedy takeoff on Mother Goose, but it's a hoot for adults. Very funny and sexy with lots of nudity but little actual sex, it's a tasteful adult version that will keep you laughing. And of course, a 1979 movie means 1979 bodies - no implants and full bush.
Oh yes, there's even a plot: When he turns 21, the Prince strikes out across the land searching for the only woman that can get him sexually excited, Sleeping Beauty. On the way, he runs into Jack and Jill, Sheherazade, Little Bo Peep, Snow White, and a ton of other well-known nursery rhyme characters.
Because the film was apparently in pretty bad shape, the DVD quality is poor, but the movie is very well done, with good musical production, and generally just a lot of laughs, plus plenty of yumminess.
||Here is the best version we have seen of this Silverstone-see-thru that's been floating around.
|Flautista 'caps of the Mexican actress going topless in scenes from "Ave María" (1999I).
|Vejiita 'caps of both ladies topless in scenes from a movie so bad that I'm willing to bet all 3 of the stars leave it off their resume. And that's really saying something considering the stars are Rubin, Kensit and Stephen Baldwin!
|Nikki Schieler Ziering
|Señor Skin 'caps of the beautiful, blonde former Heffer showing off and excellent thong view (link #1) and her big ol' robo-hooters (links 2-9). Today's 'caps feature scenes from "National Lampoon's Gold Diggers".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
"MICHAEL MOORE" BANK ROBBER
Robber At Large - Police in Monroe, Michigan, are searching for a man who's
wanted in several robberies, including a bank robbery last Saturday. He's
described as white, in his 40s, with a scraggly beard, plaid shirt and baseball
cap. Because of the resemblance, he's been dubbed "the Michael Moore bandit."
Also because he mostly knocks over doughnut shops.
He attacks symbols of capitalism while hauling home bags of money? Are
they sure that's not the real Michael Moore?
I knew it was hard times for liberals, but geez!
JOLIE IS "WORLD'S SEXIEST WOMAN"
Her Brother Voted 10,000 Times - In an international poll by the men's
magazine FHM, Angelina Jolie was named the sexiest woman in the world. The editor
said Jolie "embodies everything our readers find incredibly sexy. Not only is
she stunning, she is intelligent, outspoken and passionate in her beliefs, and
well-respected" for her tireless work with refugee children. Oddly, last
year's #1 "world's sexiest woman," Britney Spears, didn't even show up in the top
So she's decided she needs a lot more tattoos.
Even Kevin Federline didn't put her in the top 50 women he's impregnated.
Britney is outspoken and passionate about her love of cigarettes and moon
pies...And she works tirelessly with her husband's illegitimate children.
Jolie is also a regular blood donor, just because she finds the process so
Angelina Jolie also looks like she'd kick your ass if you
didn't vote for her.
50 CENT WANTS TO BE SHOT AT
#1 With A Bullet - Rapper 50 Cent complained to Blender magazine that he's
disappointed because he spent $200,000 bulletproofing two cars, one in New York
and one in L.A., and he hasn't been able to test it because "nobody's shot
me." He griped, "I spent a lot of money on that (BLEEP)!"
Can't he wait until he visits Detroit?
It's been so long, he's getting a serious lead deficiency!
If he's got those annoying spinning hubcaps, someone's bound to open fire
PAULA ABDUL'S DRIVING IS UTTERLY HORRENDOUS!
Am I Caught In A Hit-And-Run? - Thursday in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul pleaded
no contest to misdemeanor hit-and-run after she failed to realized her
Mercedes had clipped another car while she was changing lanes. She could have gone
to jail, but she took full responsibility and was ordered to pay $775 damages
and $900 in fines and given 24 months' probation. "Celebrity Justice" reports
that Abdul had told police she vaguely remembered hitting what she thought was
a pothole, but nothing else.
Nothing else that entire day...
She did remember spilling a little of her drink.
She's lucky her judge wasn't like Simon, she would've gotten the death
|A quick site note
Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!