Primitive Love (1964) is an Italian exploitation film with the gaff (to lure in the suckers) and the square (to make everything ok) in the same film. The gaff? A film named Primitive Love staring Jayne Mansfield. The square? Lots of native breasts a la National Geographic. Jayne checks into a hotel, calls her professor, then parades around in lingerie. This is noticed by two lust-filled bellboys who pop in and out for what is supposed to be comic relief. When her professor arrives, she informs him that her thesis is that mankind has not progressed from the primitives when it comes to love and sex. She then, for most of the film, shows him footage she supposedly shot of native courting rituals, liberally sprinkled with breasts. Finally, at the end, she strips to her undies, and finally bare breasts with the old arm cover routine to prove her point.

As you might have guessed, this is a new offering from Something Weird Video, and is chiefly interesting as a great example of the genre. Nothing is listed at IMDB in the way of ratings, reviews, etc. This is an F by nearly any standard, except as a curiosity. However, it is a prized part of my collection for its historical significance. It also helps that it is another great restoration job by SWV from very old source material.

In many respects, movie critics tend to make themselves useless with their negativity and personal preferences. They are like the little kid that cried wolf. They complain about so many movies that you don't trust them when they pan a film. I knew that Pearl Harbor got bad reviews, but I figured it would be like Swordfish, the kind of mindless big spectacle movie that critics always dump on whether it is good or not, making their reviews meaningless. 

(The opposite kind of film is Before Night Falls. This type of film always gets good reviews whether it is good or not, so critical opinions tend to be equally meaningless in this category.)

People who review the blockbuster kind of movie tend to ignore the movie itself, and simply express their opinions about whether they like the Disnification of the world. People who review movies about sensitive topics like "homosexuals persecuted for expressing their right to free speech" tend to be expressing their agreement with the right to free speech, fearing perhaps that dumping on the movie would be anti-gay and anti-freedom. The reality is of course, that some action blockbusters are wonderful entertainment for vast audiences, while others stink. In the same vein, one may make a good movie or a bad movie in support of free speech, homosexuality, or both.

So I figured the critical whining about Pearl Harbor was just another false wolf, like their whining about Swordfish or Face-Off, and that at the very worst I would be able at least to tolerate the movie, as a bottom-end spectacular, ala Independence Day. 

Wrong.

The critics were not crying wolf. 

This time there really was a wolf.

Pearl Harbor is much worse than, for example, Independence Day. It is incomprehensibly bad at nearly every possible level. On the spectacle scale, its worst stretches are much worse than the Burton-Taylor Cleopatra, even as bad as Battlefield Earth. It has no story at all. It milks the audience shamelessly. It is boring. The people speak in 90's slang. The acting is generally at grade-b levels. (Two words: Dan Ackroyd). The dialogue bears no resemblance to anything people have ever said, in the 40's or any other time, and the individual lines will provoke at least 10 unintentional laughs.

And, as the critic James Berardinelli pointed out with great acuity, it does its best to cram a two hour film into three hours.

• Kate Beckinsale. No nudity, but she has the most beautiful smile this side of Liv Tyler. (1, 2)

NEW DVD RELEASE. Percy. Lame British sex comedy from the early 70's, when this genre had already become hopelessly obsolete. Plenty of shagging baby, yeah.

• Britt Eckland
• Antonia Ellis (1, 2)
• Janet Key

NEW DVD RELEASE. Come and See. The WW2 German occupation of Belarus, as seen through the eyes of a 13 year old peasant boy. An effective recreation of that period through the Russian POV, but basically a docudrama, with only a thin patina of fictional overlay, and that only some convenient characters, and not a story of any kind. The 13 year old boy is a fictional device, but he is simply a generic kid who witnesses historical event after historical event, with no particular structure to the story except chronological order. 

He just sees vision after horrific vision of war. Effective film in many ways, but only for a targeted audience interested in what it was like in that time and place. (Rated 8.5 at IMDb !!!)

• Unknown

NEW DVD RELEASE. U.S. Seals 2  (no info page, not available on DVD except at Blockbuster Video).  Mighty good stuff.  The original U.S Seals is rated 1.8 at IMDb, in the bottom 100 of all-time, so you can bet it was ripe for a sequel. The running time of Number 2 is about 90 minutes, and I'm going to guess that 60 minutes of that was occupied by swordfighting. Why are a bunch of seals trained in swordfighting?  You'll just have to rent it to find out. Actually, I watched the movie, and I still don't know.  Suffice it to say that when they are armed with automatic weapons but challenged by swordfighters, they drop their guns and pick up a sword. It's the code of movie honor.

I'm pretty sure it was Good Seals against Evil Renegade Seals, and there were some really outdated rockets involved. As bad as you might expect for a sequel to a movie rated 1.8.

Filmed in Bulgaria and Canada, with about five English-speaking actors and a regiment of Bulgarians. This is probably the only English-language film ever made with more than 10 cast members named Dmitrov. The "U.S. Seals" are armed with Russian weapons!

• Strippers (1, 2)

Slight breast exposure from the movie "Legends of the Fall".

Jayne Brook

When seeing the opening credits, I was officially ready to hate this movie. I knew my second least favorite young actor was in it (Chris Klein), but imagine my surprise when my #1 least favorite's name popped up (Josh Hartnett). Even the lovely Leelee couldn't salvage it for me at that point. It was a decent movie until the end. Rich kid falls in love with a girl from "the wrong side of the tracks". Seemed like a nice safe "date movie" and the fact that Sobieski's character doesn't seem to own any bras didn't hurt. Then they go and kill her. Teen romance movies without a happy ending? Give me a break. Romeo and Juliet it's not :)

-Hankster

You will need...

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the hell eats fruitcake anyway?

The word on the street is that Penélope Cruz shows her boobs, and Cameron Diaz doesn't.