Thursday

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To see and use all the Funhouse features, you need Netscape 6.+ or MSIE 5.+.

• Netscape 6.2.2 is available free for download or on CD.
• MSIE 6.0 is available free.

Superchick (1973) - Every week, I order a collection of B films, both recent and older ones, based on no more than an R rating and a plot summary that includes female characters. I usually end up with enough nudity to get through the week, but my hope is always that one of the weeks selections will turn out to be a treasure. Superchick is such a treasure. It is a tittie flick about an airline stewardess who has men in New York, Florida and LA. In her spare time, she studies Karate. Her Florida boyfriend is in debt from betting on the dogs, and his bookie decides to use the girlfriend to smuggle guns on a plane to heist a shipment from a mob bag man.

Your thinking, this is pretty lame, about on a par with other early 70's tittie flicks. What makes this one a treasure? Uschi Digard shows all three Bs in a lengthy scene as a porn actress and lesbian. Hard core star Candy Samples shows her amazing bazooms in a short after sex scene, Flo Gerrish shows breasts at a party, and Joyce Jillson in the lead showed breasts several times. Jillson appeared in Peyton Place on TV, and has a few other TV credits, but is best known as Ronald Reagan's personal astrologer. How often do you get to see the tits of a woman who was major advisor to a president?

This is a Rhino release, which is not usually great news from a quality standpoint, but this is a pristine remaster from original source material. The caps were clean enough that I have included several 1024 x 768 frames of Uschi, as I know many of you are big fans. IMDB voters give this one 6.6 of 10 based on only 10 votes. Other than those ten people, this seems to be a forgotten film. While it is more or less typical tittie flick material, the dialogue is convincingly delivered for the most part, and many of the actors could actually act. The plot was a little thin, but the pace was fine, and the music wasn't irritating. Look for John Carradine in the cast. I have to give this a C+, the highest possible for the genre, and highly recommend it to Uschi fans and genre lovers.

Britney watch:

Britney Spears paparazzi pictures. She's wearing a bikini, nothing all that much to see except the bottom of her butt cheeks. She's romping on the beach in Hawaii. The most noticeable thing about Britney is how unnoticeable she is. If you were playing frisbee next to her, you would never know who she was. She isn't distinctive in any way, and looks like any other cute girl on the beach. She doesn't have an especially good figure for her age. Amazing isn't it, that the marketing of Britney has been so successful? I suppose that if I surveyed you guys, many of you would have girlfriends just as cute, with better bodies. Many of them can probably sing and dance just as wellas the Britmistress. But Britney is a star, and they aren't. Whether we like it or not, there is a lot of genius at work to produce those results. (1, 2)

Pretty good Julia Roberts see-through

Mary Pierce was never the belle of the ball in the looks department, but have you seen what she looks like now? She makes Vin Diesel look like a pussy.

Updates:

There are new encyclopedia volumes for a pair of Kims - Basinger and Cattrall. Are you older guys ready to feel ancient? Basinger will be 50 next year! And Cattrall isn't that far behind, turning 46 in a couple of months. And those are their published ages. Lord knows how old they really are.

 (Seriously, both of their birthdates are correct, to the best of my knowledge.)

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Laura Harring
• Naomi Watts

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

This leads to some serious sport-humping action (parts 11-14), during which Krista spends a lot of time playing with her hair. Yep, that's what I look for when I want to know if a woman is really turned on.

Part 13 is a bit odd-looking because of the way I made the collage but give it time, it will grow on you as it shows a high-mag view of one man-made wonder and Krista's face in a single frame. The final part of this sequence... part 14... is composed of five frames, which makes it the biggest bang for the megabyte. Next time, we'll move on to another of Krista's adventures as the 90's Emmanuelle. If I had to nominate one of the 2000's I would vote for Hilary Swank.

• Krista Allen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

First off, the "anonymous extra" in the Hef's Party scene in season three of SATC is our ol' pal Petra Verkaik. I'll make sure to send her your best :-)

Don't you love how the jeweler/photographer who sold the Anna K {uh, make that Judith B} topless pix to Penthouse has testified that he identified her largely {ahem} by comparing "the diameter of her nipples" {I believe he means areolae} to those of Anna "in a wet shirt" in "a photo widely available on the Internet". Gosh, wonder if he means the DOCTORED one of her hitting a forehand in a yellow tennis dress?! I've seen the original--the dress is opaque gold--and there are NO nipples.

Naturally, we believe him ... but what about the fact that he was probably aware when he took the photos--SEVEN YEARS AGO!! Did Bobby G's crack staff check to see that that would've made Anna Kournikova about 13 at the time?!

All this testimony about whether Judith Benetton looks like Anna, and what her fingernail polish was...ignores the fact that the video has to have a date stamp or at least some record of when it was made. And if Gooch didn't insist on seeing proof that the video was made AFTER Anna turned 18 {which, remember, was just July 7, 1999!}--which he would have to verify before running topless photos of her...then he deserves to be hit with crippling damages!! Which might not be a bad thing: if he has less disposable cash, perhaps he'll refrain from getting any more face work done! He looks like Sally, Jesse AND Raphael {fellow Italian...1483-1520}.

And might someone inquire as to why The Divine Miss K--who owns a private mansion in Miami--might decide to sunbathe topless on a public beach? Does she think that more interaction with the "common people" might actually help her win a tournament? Or was she merely trying to escape from the hordes of hockey players lining up at her door to offer engagement rings?

I love Anna...but she's a real handful {in more ways than one}, so since she has apparently sent Sergei to the penalty box, I can only conclude as a condolence: {to paraphrase Rocky's Natasha} You are better off, Federov!"

-Sleuth

A review guaranteed to get you all hot and bothered with its detailed and loving description of a certain naked part of Gyneth Paltrow's anatomy. I think this tells us more about the critic than I want to know...

Paltrow's Bare Toes Wow London Theater-Goers

LONDON (Reuters) - Hollywood star Gwyneth Paltrow bared more than her soul at the British premiere of her play "Proof" Wednesday, sending the audience and critics into raptures with a wiggle of her naked toes.

The Oscar-winning actress won strong praise for her portrayal of the daughter of a mad mathematical genius on the play's opening night, audience members describing her performance as "superb" and "magnificent."

"Absolutely fantastic. It was the most fabulous night at the theater you could ever have," gushed one male theater-goer to reporters after the show.

"It was wonderful, amazing. She really is a superb actress," said a surprised-sounding female member of the audience.

One critic who attended a preview of the show described Paltrow's performance as virtually flawless -- right down to her toes.

"It is not often one gets to see anyone acting with their feet. Ms Paltrow manages it however," said Valentine Low of London's Evening Standard.

"In the first few scenes she is wearing sandals and manages to use her toes to express annoyance, frustration, unhappiness and a whole range of emotions that some actresses cannot manage with their faces, let alone their feet."

Paltrow's parents, actors Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner, were on hand to watch their daughter's performance in front of a packed house.

But the fans who queued outside the theater hoping to catch a glimpse of Paltrow herself were disappointed. She was ensconced in her dressing room well before the curtain went up.

Whatever the critics say, Paltrow's season at the Donmar Warehouse is already a guaranteed commercial success -- the whole run was sold out weeks before the opening.

Paltrow is not the only Tinseltown star treading the boards in London and giving a box office boost to a theater capital now rebounding from the effects of last year's suicide attacks on New York and Washington.

Her best friend, pop superstar Madonna, is currently performing in previews for "Up For Grabs," which officially premieres on May 23, leading the British press to dub the starry rivalry "The Battle of the Boards."

Paltrow's fellow Oscar-winner Matt Damon is also in town, playing to packed houses in "This Is Our Youth."

The trio are the latest in a string of big U.S. showbiz names, including Kevin Spacey and Nicole Kidman, who have forsaken big pay days to work for modest fees in London's West End.

But while the Hollywood stars are working for a fraction of their normal earnings, they know that a successful season in London will not only win them kudos back home but add to their bargaining power when negotiating big movie fees.