Christina was intended as the first in a series of films based on a series of
potboiler novels published in the 80s under such titles as Christina’s Pleasure,
Christina’s Cravings, etc. The title character is supposed to be a sort of
combination of James Bond and Paris Hilton, fabulously wealthy, stunningly
beautiful, constantly engaged in daredevil adventures, and a sexual
overachiever. A number of different writers churned out the manuscripts on
contract for a paycheck, all under the pen name of Blakely St. James. One of
them, Hart Williams, gives an amusing memoir of the experience at
http://hisvorpal.wordpress.com/2007/10/30/christinas-outing/. Oddly, the
books, long out of print, now go for premium prices.
The movie is simply atrocious. The dialogue sounds like it was written by a
12-year-old. The acting wouldn’t pass muster with a porn director. The plot has
more holes than a Pittsburgh street in the spring. The “action” and “fight”
scenes would embarrass a high school auteur.
The good news is, the nudity is nonstop, and the women are gorgeous. Jewel
Shepard, an icon of 80s B-movies, plays the lead, her chief qualifications for
the role being the perkiest pair of tits in the southwest. (I don’t want to be
unkind here; Jewel actually seems like a cool, clever person from what I know
about her.) The opening credits claim to be “Introducing Jewel Shepard,” but
IMDB lists seven earlier credits for her, this however being her first lead
role. Among the other women is one of my favorites from the era, Josephine
Jacqueline Jones (always identified as a “former Miss Bahamas”), and a truly
unique appearance by a topless Flamenco dancer.
The extensive nudity took 19 clips to cover. Some of them are pretty hard to
see, because of the low-res VHS recording technology coupled with the director’s
inordinate fondness for backlighting scenes, but I included them anyway for the
sake of completeness; didn’t want anyone else to feel the need to watch the
film. I’ve extracted a few sample caps showing the women, who were the only
Fortunately for all of us, no investors who saw the series opener wanted to
finance any further installments, so Christina was also the last of its kind.
Although I wouldn’t mind seeing more of the topless Flamenco dancer.
Jewel Shepard (samples below)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones (samples below)
Josephine Jacqueline Jones
Pepita Full James (see below)
flamenco dancer (see below)
BONUS. Since we’re talking about Jewel Shepard, I thought I would also pass on a
hardcore scene she did with Mike Horner (NOT in Christina). I believe this may
be something of a rarity. Her first IMDB credit was in Electric Blue 8, as
“Bobby Beal,” and Mike Horner was also in that compilation, but Electric Blue
was supposed to be a softcore series. An Australian website dealing with film
classification and censorship in Australia suggests that there may have been a
hardcore version of EB8 that was never submitted for classification. In any
case, here it is. The quality
is crap, but it’s clear enough to see who they are and what they’re doing.