Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Agent Provocateur Commercial|
commercial which will never make it to U.S. television because, among other
things, she's wearing see-through panties.
Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) (aka Cemetery Man)
A couple of years ago, this film was the best answer to a late night barroom
discussion topic: "what is the funniest zombie movie ever made?" Some other
knowledgeable film buffs might have argued for Dan O'Bannon's "The Return of the
Living Dead," but I assume the bar would finally have arrived on this one as its
That was then. Now, of course, the issue is open to further discussion, and
I'm pretty sure that the roundtable would drop this film to second in favor of
Shaun of the Dead. I'd have to concede that Dellamorte Dellamore is neither as
clever nor as good as Shaun, but it is a fun movie, and a pretty good one as
well, although it enjoys the rare distinction of having excellent reviews (63%
at Rotten Tomatoes) and a high IMDB score (7.5 with thousands of votes) at the
same time that it is also covered by various "worst of all time" web sites like
Badmovies.org and Stomp Tokyo.
It is an Italian movie which takes place in Italy, but is in English and
stars the suave, handsome British actor Rupert Everett, the guy who wants to be
the first gay James Bond. The title literally means "Of Death, Of Love," which
carries several possible meanings, most of which will be obvious once I start to
tell you what it is about, assuming I ever do get to that point and past my
usual digressions. The one sense which is not obvious is that Francesco
Dellamorte is also the name of the gravekeeper (the titular Cemetery Man) played
by Everett. Ol' Rupe is really not that happy with the fact that he's a
gravekeeper named Frank of the Dead, and has always wanted to change his name -
to Andy of the Dead.
That will give you an idea of the sense of humor at work in this script.
What, not Shaun?
Frank of the Dead tends the cemetery in Buffalora, a town in Northern Italy,
and that's an unexciting position for the most part, except that Dellamorte has
one very unusual responsibility. In his territory, the dead always come back to
life after seven days, so Frank's real job is to re-kill them by splitting their
heads open, thus sending them to their more permanent reward. It certainly seems
that it would be more efficient to pulverize their skulls when they are buried
the first time, but no such rationale is ever offered.
Things are going along fairly well for Frank until he falls in love with a
beautiful widow and decides to have sex with her on her husband's grave. The
husband finds this quite offensive, assumes zombiehood, and attacks his
unfaithful wife. Frank is able to dispose of him only after the jealous zombie
has bitten and killed the sexy widow. (Anna Falchi, she of the mammoth areolae.)
Of course, death is only a temporary condition in Buffalora, so Frank waits out
the seven days until his beloved returns as a zombie. No, it's not what you're
thinking. He kills her so that she can achieve eternal rest. Meanwhile, Frank's
assistant, the usual mute and retarded-lookin' gravedigger, falls in love with
the mayor's daughter, who promptly dies. Rather than facing the whole cycle of
reincarnation and skull-splitting, the mute guy simply cuts off her head, waits
seven days, and continues to pursue the relationship with her disembodied head.
They have quiet nights at home while he plays some music and she sings.
Up to and including that point it was a weird but still fairly tight
and economical little script which stayed reasonably well within its own
eccentric rules, but
the rest of the film is out there in Salvador Dali land. Frank keeps running
into women who look exactly like his beautiful twice-killed widow, strange
spirits keep floating through the air, Frank goes on a killing spree and gets
jealous when others are blamed for his crimes, and finally ... well, there is an
explanation for the strange goings-on, but it's one of those M. Night Shyamalan
or Rod Serling surprise endings, and it doesn't really satisfy. Since the film
is already about resurrection, it really could have used Graham Chapman to come
back from the dead in his military uniform and declare the whole thing "too
If it sounds kind cool to you, you will be extremely impressed by the
ingenious gothic cinematography and the bizarre sets. This film may have the
general attitude of Shaun of the Dead, but the cemetery scenes have the look of
Phantom of the Opera, as filtered through the mind of Orson Welles. The
scriptwriter played up the laughs, but the cinematographer handled the project
with a certain operatic elegance. It's an odd combination, and an odd movie in
general. I can't even make up my mind whether I enjoyed it, but I was certainly
impressed with its originality.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
The Mambo Kings
Sweet Latin music and an interesting look at the Cuban-American community
in New York in the early 1950's highlight this 1992 drama. Although it is
slow-paced, lovers of the music will thoroughly enjoy it.
Two Cuban brothers who had been playing the club circuit in Havana leave
Cuba in 1952 when the younger loses his beloved to the powerful nightclub
owner who intends to kill him. In New York, they plan to take over the
city's Latin music scene as the Mambo Kings. Of course, things don't go
The movie has an interesting bit involving the I Love Lucy TV
show, with Desi Arnaz Jr. playing his father, who was known for
bringing Cuban musicians onto the show to perform. Another interesting
piece of trivia is that Armand Assante, who played the older
brother, spoke no Spanish, while Antonio Banderas, who played the
younger brother, spoke no English at the time. Both men performed those
The movie movies slowly and methodically, which may bore some, but the
music is great and many will also enjoy the performance by Latin superstar
Celia Cruz, who is now deceased. None of the nudity is gratuitous,
but still adds a little spice. Not everyone's cup of tea, but a movie I
enjoyed very much, especially because I remember the 50's, and they did a
decent job of representing the period.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan
|A couple of things of Lisa Scott Lee in what the Brits
would call an uppie. A killer uppie at that.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Mr Nude Celeb
|An assortment from the naked one today.
|Alice Evans in Fascination
|Izabella Scorupco in
Exorcist: The Beginning
|Jennifer Jason Leigh in The
Here are the latest movie reviews
available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Freddy Garcia goes the distance, pitches a one hitter, loses.
(Friggin' Santana is impossible to beat after the all-star
game. He's 5-1 this year, 13-0 last year, 8-1 the year before
We aren't perfect, but we have made SOME social progress in
What Shall I Be? The exciting 1966 Game of Career Girls.
Two trailers and a 12 minute featurette about The Constant
'Flightplan' - Moviefone's Exclusive Extended Preview
- Academy Award-winning producer Brian Grazer ("A Beautiful
Mind," "Apollo 13") teams up with two-time Academy
Award-winning actress Jodie Foster ("Silence of the Lambs,"
"The Accused") in the taut psychological thriller, "Flightplan,"
directed by Robert Schwentke and written by Peter Dowling and
Billy Ray. Flying at 40,000 feet in a cavernous,
state-of-the-art 474 aircraft, Kyle Pratt (Foster) faces every
mother's worst nightmare when her six year-old daughter,
Julia, vanishes without a trace mid-flight from Berlin to New
York. Already emotionally devastated by the unexpected death
of her husband, Kyle desperately struggles to prove her sanity
to the disbelieving flight crew and passengers while facing
the very real possibility that she may be losing her mind.
While neither Captain Rich (Bean), nor Air Marshal Gene Carson
(Sarsgaard) want to doubt the bereaved widow, all evidence
indicates that her daughter was never on board resulting in
paranoia and doubt among the passengers and crew of the plane.
Finding herself desperately alone, Kyle can only rely on her
own wits to solve the mystery and save her daughter.
PAT ROBERTSON URGES U.S. TO COVET CHAVEZ'S WIFE ...
Televangelist Breaks Second Commandment in Two Days
George W. Bush's Fondness for Bald Heads
A picture gallery from the romantic comedy Just Friends
stars Ryan Reynolds as a former high school geek turned trendy
Los Angeles music executive. When he gets stranded in his New
Jersey home town due to bad weather with a superstar singer he
is trying to sign, he finds himself reunited with his high
school crush and discovers she is his true love. (Worth a look
to see Ryan Reynolds as a fat high schooler.)
Flanders: more fun than you think.
Flemish nun reprimanded for dirty dancing. The best part of
the story is WHERE she did it. The bad news: you're a nun and
you get caught dirty dancing. The worse news: you do it in front
of the Pope!
And his parents said he'd never amount to much ...
"A 43-year-old man from Saranac, New York has the world's
longest eyebrow hair."
A new record?
There are 490 female students at Timken High School in Canton,
Ohio, and 65 of them are pregnant
Turkmen President Bans Lip Synching.
- I guess those Milli Vanilli guys have to scratch the
Ashgabat concert from their comeback tour.
- President Niyazov is sort of a Kim Jong-Il in training. In
2001, he banned opera and ballet. Last year, he called for
crackdowns on gold teeth, beards, and long hair.
The Forty Year Old Virgin, as reviewed by the one man most
qualified to assess a film which is smart and humane under its
own filth. (You know who I'm talkin' about.)
A new TV spot and the trailers for Lord of War
- "Lord of War" is an action adventure story set in the
world of international arms dealing. The film, based on fact,
follows the globetrotting exploits of arms dealer Yuri Orlov
(Nicolas Cage). Through some of the deadliest war zones, Yuri
struggles to stay one step ahead of a relentless Interpol
agent (Ethan Hawke), his business rivals, even some of his
customers who include many of the world's most notorious
dictators. Finally, Yuri must also face his own conscience.
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Pat Robertson
Love Not Having Steve Coogan's Baby. The latest development
is that "Courtney Love and Steve Coogan have both denied that
they are set to have a baby together "
The Icelandic penis museum
Jacko Accuser's Mom Charged With Fraud: "The woman whose son
accused Michael Jackson of child molestation was charged with
welfare fraud Tuesday for allegedly collecting nearly $19,000 in
payments while making false claims."
The perfect house guest? Courtney Love.
"Let's redecorate the house. This will be our hammer."
Pam Anderson's novel. Wow. High school required reading lists
have sure improved since I was in school. Of course, they are
easier to read now than in my day because (1) there is plenty of
sex (2) they are not made of stone or papyrus.
If I ever go back to school, my Ph.D. thesis will be on "The
Anderson Tradition in American Literature, from Maxwell to
The Daily Show's Lewis Black examines America's Vietnam
The Daily Show:
"We've gone from promising to democratize the Middle East to
securing a quick ride to the airport"
Weekly World News Editorial:
"After The Space Shuttle Fleet Gets Grounded, NASA NEEDS A
Thesaurus.com deleted a listing for the word 'Arab' after
Arab-American groups complained about the derogatory synonyms.
National Punctuation Day
The trailer for Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story
- "Kurt Russell ('Miracle'), Dakota Fanning ('Man on Fire')
and Kris Kristofferson ('Blade I & II') star in a DreamWorks
drama about a father who, for the love of his daughter,
sacrifices almost everything to save the life of an injured
racehorse and bring the promising filly back to her former
Johansson Ducks Paparazzi, Then Clips Car
"The creators of Babelfish, a language tool that translates text
from a variety of different languages, have added two more
valuable translations to its inventory, Canadian to American and
American to Canadian."
Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)
Pat's comments in yellow:
PAT ROBERTSON PROMOTES
ASSASSINATION AND HEALTH DRINKS
The Rev. Pat Robertson sparked outrage Monday on "The 700 Club" when he
suggested that US covert agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to
prevent communists and Islamists from staging attacks on America from there. He
said, "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war...and I don't think any oil
shipments will stop."
* In fact, he can't think of a single thing objectionable
* Can't he get his friend God to strike Chavez dead for us?
* He must've heard that Chavez was gay.
Robertson is also under fire for using his Christian Broadcasting Network to
tout the alleged health benefits of his new product, "Pat's Age-Defying Shake."
The concoction of protein powder, safflower oil and vinegar is distributed by
GNC health food stores. One religious media watchdog claims it's an improper
use of a tax-exempt religious ministry, but Robertson says he has the right to
be involved in
* And his business ventures don't have to be Kosher.
* That's why he's launching another new venture, "Pat Robertson's
* It's not only age-defying, it's tax-deferring!
* Pat guarantees it will extend the life of anyone except Hugo Chavez.
* That explains his assassination plan: his brain's getting too much vinegar.
HOW TO TALK YOUR WIFE INTO POLYGAMY
Malaysia's top Islamist leader, Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat, is calling on wives not
to react violently if their husbands tell them they want to bring home another
wife, after two wives threw acid at their husbands when they broke the news. He
said a man who wants to take a second wife must be sensitive to his first wife's
feelings, "be tender in his approach," and remember that "a woman's heart is
like a glass, very fragile." He should tell her of the plight of the other
women "who would become aged virgins until they die" if it weren't for polygamy.
* That's right: he is LITERALLY "God's gift to women!"
* Try telling her how sad that "40-Year-Old Virgin" movie is.
* Then, if she still says no, beat her like a rented donkey.
* The husband may then discover that a man's skull is like a glass, very
* He's telling men how to talk their wives into a three-way...Is he a religious
leader or the Playboy Advisor?
COLLEGE STUDENTS NOT GOOD AT ACTUAL WORK
A study of 400 firms by Britain's Forum of Private Business confirmed that
college doesn't always prepare you for work. Over half of employers said
final-year university students who work for them were "average to poor" at
literacy, math, time-keeping and taking phone messages. Three-quarters were
"very poor, poor or average" at addressing a letter. They were described as
mediocre at basic skills needed for work, with an "appalling lack of awareness"
of the responsibilities of holding a job and an attitude that the world owes
them a living. One boss complained that students came to job interviews in
flip-flops with chipped nail polish and "thongs halfway up their backs."
* And those were the guys!
* The only thing most of them picked up in college was chlamydia.
* Hey, they'd wear a suit, if somebody would give them one!
* The only job they're perfect for is being on a university faculty.
* As soon as they learn how to read well enough to fill out a welfare form, the
world WILL owe them a living.
MAN THREATENS TO CASTRATE ICE CREAM TRUCK DRIVER
Matthew Flynn of West Hartford, Connecticut, was trimming his hedges Sunday
evening when an ice cream truck drove down his street. Police say Flynn ran out
in front of it, asked the teenage driver to turn down the loud jingle, and told
him not to come back because there are no kids in that neighborhood. In fact,
they led an unsuccessful campaign to ban Mr. Softee trucks in 2002. Flynn then
allegedly brandished his hedge clippers in a chopping motion and told the driver
he'd make him less of a man if he didn't turn it down. He was charged with
threatening and a breach of the peace.
* And threatening to turn the driver into Mr. Softee.
* The exact threat was, "I scream, YOU scream!"
* He plans to get off by playing "Turkey In The Straw" to the jury for three
PUBIC HAIR PANTS NOT GREETED WARMLY
Dolce & Gabbana is under fire over print ads for their new men's jeans that are
cut so low, they've been dubbed "pubic pants." Some media outlets refused to
run them because of the unappealing display of male body hair south of the
navel. The San Francisco Chronicle surveyed ad and fashion experts on the
look. Some said they're cutting edge and take a new look at sex appeal. Others
said they're gross and tasteless, that women don't find that patch of hair
attractive, that the jeans look very uncomfortable, and that you literally
"couldn't get much lower."
* Until they fall down.
* The only men who will wear these jeans are plumbers.
* And men won't get bikini waxes...Only women can stand that much pain.
* If you think that's bad, you should see them from the back.
TV GENITAL PAINTING ON EBAY
There's an auction on eBay of a painting from a "Sex & The City" episode in
which prim Charlotte (Kristin Davis) agreed to let a famous artist paint her
private parts. The 8-foot, flower-like abstract was made by artist Elizabeth
Linn, who gave the producer several to choose from. The show's construction
coordinator got it, gave it to his daughter, who's selling it. She said, "It's
a conversation piece. It's also a beautiful piece." At last check, bidding had
soared to $3,800.
* The bidders don't know art, but they know what they
* Squint just right, and it looks like a Georgia O'Keefe.
* Men find it hypnotic...It just follows you around the room.
PUPPET SHOW CREATOR SUES ABC OVER "LOST"
Screenwriter Anthony Spinners is suing ABC and the producers of "Lost" for
unspecified damages, claiming they stole his concept. He says he was hired in
1977 to create a show about airplane crash victims struggling to survive on a
jungle island full of strange creatures and dangerous characters. It was for
Sid and Marty Krofft, the puppeteers who produced kid shows such as "Sigmund and
the Sea Monsters"
and "H.R. Pufnstuf."
* Sounds like his version would've been much more realistic
* Next season, we'll discover that the evil force running the island on "Lost"
* He should write a show about screenwriters trying to survive in the Hollywood
MICHAEL MOORE GOES TO FAT FARM
The New York Post reports that Michael Moore has checked into the $3,800-a-week
Pritikin Longevity Center & Spa in Florida,
the "fat farm for the rich," which offers weight loss plus cosmetic procedures
such as Botox. Moore is reportedly in a program that will teach him how to cook
healthy meals and exercise, learn a "new approach to eating," and lose up to 12
pounds in three weeks.
* At that rate, he should be at normal weight by 2040.
* If we're lucky, they'll Botox his mouth so he can't chew.
* While he's there, he'll also be shooting an expose on the pampered lifestyles
of the obscenely wealthy.
After falling from a horse and suffering several broken bones, Madonna told the
Sun newspaper that as soon as doctors give the okay, she'll climb right back in
the saddle and start riding again
*.Just like she did
when she fell off Dennis Rodman.
Barbara Eden turns 71 today, although her TV character from "I Dream of Jeannie"
was born on April 1, 64 B.C.
* So Jeannie is actually the same age as Cher.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email
address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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