"Best Defense"

Best Defense (1984) is a Dudley Moore comedy rated 3.3 of 10 at IMDB. Ask Scoopy would say, "nuff said." Moore is an incompetent engineer working on a guidance gyro for a tank missile control system. A bizarre engineer who was working independently for the Russians gives Moore his design after having second thoughts. The spies kill the weird guy, Moore takes credit for the design, Moore's company is saved, but the Russian's are after him.

In an odd sub-plot, Eddie Murphy is a tank commander in Kuwait training them to use new tanks. The nudity occurs at the beginning of the movie when Murphy is having sex with a belly dancer, played by Tracey Ross. She shows breasts in this very energetic morning sex scene.

This film is bad enough to make the bottom 100 of all time list at IMDB. There was one element I did find amusing. They kept doing very recognizable elevator music like Moon River and Cole to You, but in foreign languages, in hotel scenes. There is nothing wrong with this film technically, it is just a very unfunny Dudley Moore vehicle. D.

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  • Tracy Rose (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)


    Thirteen (2003) is one of the films Scoopy saw at Sundance (see his review at the movie house). It is an ultra low budget written by a Hollywood professional and a 13 year old girl, who was the daughter of one of her friends. She noticed the girl had suddenly become a "problem child" when puberty hit, and befriended her to channel some of her adolescent energy into creative directions. They decided to collaborate on a script. It was originally to be some light teen comedy, but they quickly realized that there was a real story in the sort of rebellion and pressures that modern teens go through, thus the film was born. The young girl (Nikki Reed) played one of two main characters and the woman (Catherine Hardwicke) directed. They were willing to shoot the thing on home video just to get it made, but managed to get Holly Hunter to play the lead role of the mother, and found some financing and a quality cast easier to come by. It was shot in less than a month on super 1 mm.

    It is not a pleasant film. The girls rebellion includes shoplifting, drug use, self-mutilation, sex, and being total bitches to everyone around them. Hunter was superb as the mother, all the characters were well developed, but what made this an outstanding film was the authenticity of the script. It is hard to beat having someone write a story having recently lived it.

    Hunter does a brief full frontal shower scene. A warning to the squeamish -- the self mutilation is pretty hard to watch. This will certainly not be to everyone's taste, but this is exactly what indie films should be about, fresh approaches to fresh material, and this one could not have been done better at any budget. C+

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  • Holly Hunter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Everybody's All-American (1988):

    I need to repeat Tuna's original comments, because he had a good plot summary and precisely the right analysis of what went wrong here. Read this, then I'll build on the point:

    This film recounts the story of The Grey Ghost, star football player from a southern school (Dennis Quaid), his fiance and Magnolia Queen (Jessica Lange), and the Ghost's studious cousin (Timothy Hutton). As the story goes, The Grey Ghost was the real thing, everybody's all-American, school legend, and genuinely nice person. The Magnolia Queen was the woman desired by every man, epitome of the Southern belle.  The BMOC Ghost had promised the people back home that he'd look after his shy cousin who was attending the same school, so the three of them became fast friends.

    From there on, the story got in trouble. One view is that it is the story of a football player's life, beginning with his glory days in school, proceeding through his selection as the first round draft pick by the worst team in the league, following through his decline, and then observing him as he learns to cope with being someone who used to be famous. Then there is the love triangle among the three. As if this weren't enough confusion, they threw in a civil rights and race angle with a black former football player, and another major sub-plot about Lang losing her Southern belle affectations with the swooning fan and "why little old me?" and becoming a shrewd and successful business woman.

    So, was this a sports story, a romantic love triangle, or the story of the growth of a woman? I think the answer comes with the sappy romantic ending. It was a chick flick relationship story all along. All three characters were likable, sympathetic characters, and they were played extremely well by the leads, but the problem is very basic. What made them think that a football story would appeal to the chickflick audience, and vice versa?

    Scoop's comments:

    Tuna hit the nail right on the head. Somewhere inside this script, there was a pretty good little sports story about faded glory, but the film tried to stretch out into too many directions at once, many of them too touchy-feely. The failures, and even the successes, of the sub-plots detracted from the main storyline. For some reason, the screenwriter felt it was necessary to give the film a happy ending which felt artificial, and was completely unnecessary. In fact, I liked the film best just before that ending, when it had emerged from its cloud and had become a sad story about the Ghost's having pissed away his principles and compromised his ideals. Probably because, as Tuna said, it was both a love story and a fading jock story, the script stepped on the purity of the ending and wanted to resolve the love story with one of those "Oh, Ricky. Oh, Lucy" hugs at the end.

    Those elements did not make this a bad movie by any means. It is a pretty good movie with some excellent moments. It should have been terrific if someone could have figured out how to focus it properly.

    I recommend the DVD because of the special features. There is commentary, and two featurettes and, most important, deleted footage. If you watch the DVD and then the deleted footage, you'll get a crash course in the issues which are examined before producing a final cut. There are some elements in the deleted footage which are critical to the plot, but they were deleted anyway. Without that footage, certain sub-plots don't make sense, and two major characters just disappear without any explanation. The main deleted scene involved the Ghost having sex with the wife of a "jock-sniffer". The husband, who had worshipped the Ghost, found them together and started whipping the stark-naked Ghost with a riding crop. In the ensuing melee, the husband ended up shooting his wife, the police were summoned, Ghost's wife found out about everything, and Ghost's wife lost her own job, because she was employed by the jock-sniffer. With his meaningless, drunken passion, the Ghost managed to destroy their lives completely. In a sense, it was the most important scene in the entire movie

    There were several reasons why the scene may have been cut despite the continuity problems caused by that action:

    1) It showed the Ghost having sex with a totally despicable woman. That fact radically altered the audience perception of him, changing him from a lovable but mischievous good ol' boy to a complete scumbag, and showing him having sunk to a lower level than we might want to see, making it difficult for us to believe her forgiving him.

    2) It added yet another long scene which served to develop a sub-plot (the obnoxious jock-sniffer and his even more obnoxious wife, whom the Ghost despised, but later had to rely on for charity) while slowing down the main flow of the film.

    3) Dennis Quaid, then a gigastar, was rather explicitly exposed in this scene, since he was stark naked as he wrestled with and kicked the husband.

    Personally, I would not have cut this scene, which explained a lot that needed explaining.

    There was another scene I would not have cut, because it was only a couple of seconds long and made a very powerful point. The Ghost and his wife were watching TV when he saw an unidentified old man as the mystery guest on What's My Line. His wife says, in amazement,  "That's Errol Flynn", and just for an instant, she and the Ghost were looking at his own future, when people will say "who's that old guy", and someone will yell out "he used to be the Gray Ghost". I did listen to the commentary, and the director seemed to be completely unaware of the fact that Flynn's fate foreshadowed Ghost's. He seemed to think that it was merely irrelevant period detail. The writer is also on the commentary track, and tried to tell him that Flynn was "another guy without a second act", but the director would have none of it.

    By the way, the director was Taylor Hackford. Although I've criticized some of his decisions here, I like his work. He is a solid director with some impressive career highlights:

    The original source of the script was a novel written by Frank DeFord, who was one of the best sportswriters of his generation, so you know he had the details right.

    Which brings us right back to our original point  - plenty of individual elements that should have added up to a great film, but didn't.

    Two sidebars:

    1. I don't know the record for the oldest person ever to play a student in a major film, but Jessica Lange's character is a junior in college when the film begins, and Ms Lange was 39 at the time. This is the oldest example I can cite, possibly excepting Jason Priestly, who was a 67 year old high school student on Beverly Hills 90210. (Seriously, Priestly was 29 in his last year on that show.)

    2. When I watched this film, it dawned on me that the girl that they got to play Jessica Lange as a young woman in Big Fish looked amazingly like Jessica Lange playing herself as a young girl in Everybody's All-American.

    • Jessica Lange (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) (see Tuna's section for more caps of Lange as well as some of the deleted scenes.




    Some .wmv clips. Today's theme - rare stuff



    Mailbox  - the naked and future queen

    Hi Scoopy

    I read earlier this week in the newspaper that topless/nude pictures from ca. 1996 exist of Letizia Ortiz, news anchor on Spanish public TV channel TVE and most importantly, the future wife of Prince Felipe, heir to the throne of Spain. I didn't find anything on the internet, but the following picture and article were published in today's (January 23, 2004) Flemish newspaper "Het Laatste Nieuws". Here is the translation from Dutch to English.

    "Future Spanish queen in her full glory on a painting" 

    "Madrid - This is the painting that's keeping Spain awake. The future Spanish queen, Letizia Ortiz (31), can be seen in her full glory on a painting by Cuban painter Waldo Saavedra. Letizia posed for him when she was studying in the Mexican city of Guadalajara. Waldo eternalized her in a wall painting in a restaurant. On this work of art, that in the meantime has disappeared, is depicted rather small a topless Letizia Ortiz, with a paper airplane in her hand. Now that she is going to say "Yes" to Spanish heir to the throne Felipe (35), blow-ups from the old canvas get attention worldwide. Very much to the dismay of the Madrid royal court, Waldo Saavedra announces that he still has more revealing pictures of Letizia. He wants to have them published on the day of the royal marriage."

    The paper airplane has such a strange form that as a Belgian I thought she was holding a sack full of still smoldering fries she just bought. Looks exactly the same but the mayonaise seems to be missing (traditionally ready-to-eat fries in Belgium are sold in paper bags that look just like whatever Letizia is holding). Anyway, here is Letizia topless thanks to my newspaper. The picture isn't top quality, it's from a newspaper and their picture wasn't top-notch either. But hey, it is Spain's future queen topless. Only a week ago I wouldn't have thought this material existed.

    I hope you can use this, Scoopy, and if not, then never mind. This is unfortunately not my return to the page. I just wanted to signal something that doesn't seem to be getting attention on the internet.

    Yours faithfully,




    I just found a great sex scene with Peta Wilson on The movie is The Saddness of Sex. She is shown very clearly having sex in a very lighted area. The episode to watch is episode 6.







    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words and .wmv's from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh


    • Wow. Kelly Preston. Perfect breasts, a sweet bum, and even the full monty in the full-screen version of Mischief. This cute little 80s  coming-of-age comedy is still not on DVD! I hate to admit it, but the dorky guy in this clip really looks a lot like me at the same age. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Speaking of WOW: Gretchen Mol's sex scene with Shakespeare in the lame but beautifully photographed Forever Mine, one of the top five sex scenes of the year 2000. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Charlize Theron's full-frontal scene from The Devil's Advocate, one of the greatest escapist films ever made, and another one from Taylor Hackford, who is discussed at some length in the section above, under Everybody's All-American. (.avi version, .wmv version)


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    Graphic Response takes a look at the 1998 movie, "Illuminata", co-written and directed by John Turturro.
    • Aida Turturro, "The Soprano's" co-star and John's cousin shows off her big'uns.
    • Georgina Cates, also topless, but on the other end of the size scale.
    • Susan Sarandon, teasing with a little cleavage and some almost-kinda-sorta-see-thru exposure.

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    There's a lot to say about Piñata: Survival Island (2002), aka Demon Island. None of it is good. Imagine, if you will or if you can, an episode of Survivor in which elements of Emerald Forest, Freddy vs Jason and the "shit" episode of South Park are blended not so smoothly. There you have it.

    The plot? A 15th century Yucatan demon is trapped in the body of a piñata and set afloat, whence it lands on an island and remains undisturbed....until a group of 21st century frat boys and sorority babes lands on the island to conduct a scavenger hunt. They are hunting for two things: 1) panties, strewn about by a couple with lots of time to waste; 2) tequila, stored conviently in...yep... piñatas.

    One couple finds the evil piñata, gives it 40 whacks to get at the tequila and awakens the demon. He proceeds to kill in ways more laughable than gruesome (grabs one guy by his minerals and proceeds to pull out long, stringy things as the dude stands there and shrieks like a little girl. Can't imagine the pain or the torque you gotta exert to do this but I'm pretty sure the unfortunate soul would not be standing on either account).

    The killing starts way too soon, for if there is one inviolate rule of slasher movies it's that people scared witless do not get nekkid. By the end of it all, only former Hefmat Daphne Duplaix has given up anything resembling goodies, when she and her partner get into a little hootie gropin' and kissin' that lasts maybe eight frames.

    And you get to see Jaime Pressly's divine posterior covered by sweat pants. Capped one scene as she runs from the Demon Piñata, which has suddenly grown a tail and sorta flies through the air in a sequence animated with a skill befitting the whole enterprise. This same demon ran down a couple on an ATV, which personal experience suggests can do 45 mph in a straight line. Must mean Jamie was 50 mph, at least. And THAT means female speed is directly related to the beauty of the behind. Not the size... because then JLo would have more Olympic medals than Mark Spitz... the beauty. Only possible conclusion.

    So the early tribespeople are Emerald Forest, Survivor is obvious, the demon is sorta like Freddy or Jason or Chuckie or Bride of Chuckie. What about South Park? If'n I remember well, "shit" is said 132 times in the famous episode of that show. And in this movie it is said 133. A hundred of them by Jaime alone. Seriously. Every time she looks up and sees something that remotely earns her disapproval, she says...."shit." Old boyfriend? Shit. Seaweed? Shit. A corpse hanging with its bottom half missing? Shit. A comically animated demon, flying through the air? Yep, shit. A word for all occasions. Screenwriting at its frigging finest. And perfectly in keeping with Jaime's on-screen white-trash persona.

    Beside Daphne's almost-hootie and Jaime's clothed behind, I capped a real cutie named Lara Boyd Rhodes. She's in a wet t-shirt at one point but the material is too thick or not wet enough or something. No exposure in any case. You gotta go way back to the Dec 15, 2000 edition of the Funhouse to catch a glimpse of her behind in some caps that Oz made.

    A lot to say about Piñata, indeed. If you like comically bad movies it is worth the price of admission. Mike and the Bots, may they rest in peace, would have loved this one.

    Elisha Cuthbert
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    No nudity, but the young star of the hit FOX series "24" is just too damn cute. Here she is in some production stills from her upcoming movie, "The Girl Next Door".

    Daryl Hannah Showing off a killer bum and just a bit of breast exposure in scenes from her breakthrough role in "Splash" (1984).

    Maria Marx A-/B+ actor Mario Van Peebles' mom going full frontal and being bound and tortured in scenes from the 1974 "Sexploitation flick, "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS".

    Halle Berry A terrific production still of Halle showing some cleavage in her Catwoman suit. The sceduled release date for this kitty in July 30.

    Anne Judson-Yager From "Bring It On Again". I'm not sure why anyone would bother making sequel to "Bring it On", especially without the original cast and taking it straight to video...but they did, so here is some PG-rated cheerleader in a sports bra exposure. "Caps by Twitchy.

    Raffaella Offidani
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    One more batch of 'caps by Marvin from the Tinto Brass movie "L'Uomo che guarda" aka "The Voyeur" (1993). Once again we have plenty of B's and gyno-views, plus this time around we also have some serious lesbo lovin'.

    Jennifer Beals

    Laurel Holloman
    (1, 2)

    Mia Kirshner
    (1, 2)

    Karina Lombard

    Katherine Moennig

    The Skin-meiser takes a look at the new made for cable series "The L Word". All I can say is this...who doesn't love lesbians?

    The goodies..
    Beals has a bad habbit of never giving up the goods, but at least it's a another woman's hand that covering up her breasts.

    Holloman is topless and getting a little girl/girl lovin'.

    Kirshner also bares breasts in lesbian love scenes.

    Lombard...more toplessness.

    Moennig goes full frontal and briefly bares her bum as well.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    What The Hell, Let's Make It The Lead Item - US magazine is reporting that Bennifer is no more: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have officially broken up, as of January 20. J-Lo's spokesperson said, "I am confirming the report that Jennifer Lopez has ended her engagement to Ben Affleck. At this difficult time, we ask that you respect her privacy."

  • Because J-Lo has ALWAYS tried to avoid getting publicity for her romantic life!
  • Yes, please, PLEASE, respect her privacy! We're SO sick of her!
  • Upon announcement of the news, 14 tabloids went out of business.
  • Ben is returning to his first love: Matt Damon.
  • It finally happened: J-Lo is now dumping husbands faster than she can marry them.

    A Place To Be Bad - The San Mateo, California, city council has passed a 45-day emergency ban on private karaoke booths. Police say the small sound-proofed rooms found in clubs are a potential haven for prostitution, underage drinking, fights and robberies. But opponents said private karaoke rooms give bad singers a place to sing a love song to their partners without embarrassment.

  • You'll still get dumped, but at least it won't be in public.
  • They claim the only assaults taking place there are assaults on people's ears.
  • Plus, they're the perfect place to lock away all the losers on this week's "American Idol."

    I May Pukey-poo - Reuters reports that the hottest trend in dogs is new mixed breeds with cutesy names. Some cost up to $4,000. Popular mixed breeds include the Labradoodle (labrador-poodle), the Schnoodle (schnauzer-poodle), the yorkipoo (yorkie-poodle), the dorgi (dachshund-corgi), and the bagel (basset hound-beagle). One owner said, "I have not met another dog as gentle, intuitive, caring, and intelligent as the labradoodle."

  • If it's that sensitive, it must be dying of embarrassment over its name.
  • So if you visit Korea, DON'T order a bagel from Room Service!
  • It's easy to breed a German shepherd with a French poodle because the French poodle immediately surrenders.
  • I'm waiting for someone to cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster and get a cockadoodledoo.
  • Back when these were called "mutts," they gave them away free at the pound.

    Hands Off My Meat! - The New York Post's Page Six reports that meateaters are speaking out against PETA ads claiming that meat causes impotence. A top Manhattan steakhouse chef notes that people have eaten meat since Cro Magnon days, and there are 6 billion of us now. And leading urologist Dr. Lawrence McGuire said that eating a lot of red meat might cause clogged arteries or shorten your life, but there is no study that shows it keeps you from getting an erection.

  • And that's all that matters to any man!
  • Their slogan is, "My meat is just fine, thank you!"
  • How could anything that looks like a kielbasa make you impotent?