Messy Christmas


Although it is a contemporary film in the German language, Messy Christmas is sort of an Elizabethan-style comedy of errors. A loving wife and mother invited her three ex-husbands to Christmas dinner, but did not inform her current husband. Surprise! She then unveiled an even bigger surprise: during Christmas dinner she announced that she was pregnant. Only one little problem: the biggest surprise is on her. Her husband has had a vasectomy that he never told her about because she really wanted a baby and he was afraid of losing her.

The husband then spends most of the movie trying determine the real father by interrogating and intimidating all the ex-husbands and any other male who crosses his path, including Santa.

I know that sounds more like a hand-wringing, staring-into-middle-distance Ingmar Bergman drama than a warm family comedy, but it does have some funny moments. I mean what could be more heart-warming and comical than tiny tots watching daddy beat Santa to a bloody pulp on Christmas Eve? OK, it's not exactly filled with side-splitting, laugh-a-minute antics, but there is a comedic spin to it. By the time the wife made her announcement, the husband had already asked one of the guests for advice about how to tell his wife the secret, so there is comedy hinging upon who knows, who doesn't know, and the significance of that knowledge. The rest of the comic premise, such as it is, derives from the fact that the ex-husbands seem particularly unlikely to have fathered the child, for various reasons apparent to everyone but the putative cuckold.

Yup. Pretty freakin' zany, those Germans! They are possibly even funnier than the Swedes, who had already been there, done that, and bought the souvenir horned hat. Some eight years earlier, the Swedes made "Tomten är far till alla barnen," which is the same movie. I haven't seen the Swedish film, but based on the info available at IMDb, Messy Christmas must be just about a word-for-word translation. The Germans didn't even change the names of most of the characters, thus demonstrating the common cultural heritage of all sauna- and sausage-oriented nations.

The German film industry today seems to be like the Spanish industry in the late 80s and early 90s, when the same eight people seemed to be in every movie. (Did they ever make a movie in Spain without Jorge Sanz in that era?) Messy Christmas includes all the usual people: Martina Gedeck, Meret Becker, Alexandra Neldel, Jasmin Tabatabai, etc. Martina Gedeck has 92 IMDb credits, and she's only in her mid-40s. Gerard Depardieu had "only" 91 at her age. Meret Becker has 67 acting credits, and she's in her 30s. Depardieu had 62 at the same age. And Depardieu is required to appear in every French movie, by dint of the French constitution! He now has 171 acting credits, and he just turned 60. Setting aside the inexhaustible Depardieu and comparing those women to a typical North American star, we find that Catherine Zeta-Jones is the same age as Becker and has only 29 credits!

There is one more quirky thing about German movies. They tend to be like German beaches: filled with naked guys drinking beer, and just an occasional flash of girly bits. This is a family-oriented Christmas movie filled with adorable little tykes singing carols, and yet there is a four-minute sequence filled with completely naked guys taking a sauna and running outside in the snow stark naked.

In contrast, those who love female flesh get only a very brief flash of butt from Jasmin Tabatabai.



The Lodger


The Lodger is another example of an anachronistically inappropriate interpretation of a vintage story. It's about a series of murders similar to those of Jack the Ripper. A couple takes in a mysterious lodger, and his arrival coincides with a brutal series of killings. The novel, written by a Londoner named Marie Belloc Lowndes, took place in London and was written in 1913, when the original Jack the Ripper might still have been alive, so any resumption of Ripper-style homicides carried an implicit special terror that the killer might not be a copycat, but the Ripper himself, still wandering through London 25 years after his first spate of killings.

The story has been made into five movies:

The first two, like the book, located the story in London during a period of Ripper-style murders. The 1944 and 1953 versions took the Ripper connection to the next level. They actually located the story in England in 1888 and suggested that the mysterious lodger might have been THE Jack the Ripper. All of those were sensible adaptations

This new one is not.

It just doesn't make sense to bring some stories into modern times. The best example from a major director would be Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut. The story made sense when it was located in Vienna between the two wars. The doctor's blind rage at his wife's imaginary infidelity is something completely believable from a man living in 1920 Austria, and the unverifiable disappearance of the pianist was credible in a world without cars and telephones. For reasons clear only to him, Kubrick chose to keep the story exactly the same, but to locate the action in New York in the 1990s, where the pianist's safety could have been ascertained immediately with a phone call, and the doctor's response to his wife's confession seems like a moronic overreaction from a man who must have been smart enough to get through medical school, and must have studied modern psychology while he was there. Moreover, we live in a world where everyone seems to "share" too damned much, and no highly educated man would be surprised to hear his wife confess to lurid but unfulfilled fantasies about other men.

The Lodger poses a similar inherent problem for a movie adaptation. The people who made the previous four versions realized that the story really needs to take place in the distant past in London in order to be effective. Relocating the story to modern times in L.A. simply doesn't work, for many reasons.

First, the original Ripper is long dead, so the story has to be about a copycat, which removes an important layer of terror.

Second, prostitutes are not likely to walk alone through deserted city streets in modern cities.

a. Not many streets in Los Angeles, where this story takes place are deserted to begin with.

b. Prostitutes need customers, and deserted streets don't provide any. They look for maximum traffic locations, just like the guys who build gas stations and convenience stores.

c. Furthermore, they don't walk through deserted areas of L.A. to get to the congested areas where they hawk their wares. Hell, nobody walks anywhere in cities like L.A. or Dallas. Everyone uses vehicular transportation.

Third, contemporary Los Angeles is not filled with fog, dark corners, hidden medieval courtyards, or constant atmospheric rain.

I could continue in this vein, but you already see the problems inherent in the modern interpretation. It all boils down to this: relocating the story to latter day L.A. not only lacks credibility (where the hell would he even find a public street where he could kill and eviscerate prostitutes without witnesses?), but strips away every element that could make the story a worthwhile movie to begin with.

Which means I don't need to write much more. Making this movie was a really bad idea.

Sadly, the execution is just as bad. To replace what they lost with the modernization, the film's creators had to add all sorts of extra wrinkles and twists and some absurd red herrings, like a suggestion that the investigating detective is the killer. All of that fol-de-rol leads to a resolution which makes no sense when one reviews what has been seen earlier, and even that is trumped by a logic-defying post-resolution epilogue that I still can't figure out. And those elements were not the worst parts of the script because they were at least relevant to the story. The worst material consists of irrelevant sub-plots which were introduced and dropped without ever having any significance of any kind. There are various elements of the cop's personal life, for example, which are simply not germane to the narrative. They seem to come from a separate movie.

The only real mystery which needs to be explained in this film is how such talented people as Alfred Molina and Hope Davis (and others!) got talked into working in it. Actually, I can understand why Davis was tempted, because the landlady's part is a really juicy role which was a perfect match for her range of abilities, and she did a great job. She manages to be sexy and vulnerable and crazy, and is the film's only redeeming grace. But Molina should have known better. He's a terrific performer, but what in the world made him think he was the right guy to play a hard-ass, workaholic L.A. cop?

Wildly enough, you'll be able to spot plot holes even in the nude scenes. Listen to the coroner describe the first victim (Jillian Difusco), then listen to him describe the second (Jennifer Webb). How many inconsistencies can you spot?

Hope Davis did not get naked, but her breasts looked great in a wet t-shirt, and her bottom looked great in a nightie. As mentioned, Hope's performance and her near-nudity were the only good things in this film. Sample below.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










A Clockwork Orange


Adrienne Corri film clip. Collages below

This is the famous Singin' in the Rain scene


Cheryl Grunwald film clip. Collages below


Carol Drinkwater film clip. Collages below

Gillian Hills and Barbara Scott film clip. Sample below

Jan Adair, Vivienne Chandler, and Prudence Drage film clip. Collages below

Katya Wyeth film clip. Collages below

Shirley Jaffe film clip. Collages below


Virginia Wetherell film clip. Collages below










Breast Men


The Time Machine goes back to 1987 for Lisa Niemi ( Patrick Swayze's wife ) in "Slam Dance". Delicious full frontal nudity from Lisa. Caps and a clip.


"Fox and Friends"

Over in TV Land the oh so leggy Kiran Chetry








Lauren Hays

The final part of a multi-part tribute in a mixture of Brainscan clips and third party material.

The clip today is again from Thrills.








Casting Couch


Part 4

Taylor St. Claire. Sample below








Notes and collages


The Three Musketeers


Raquel Welch









Repo! The Genetic Opera!


From the makers of the Saw jigsaw series starring the rich hotel heiress Albuquerque Sleazy-Inn.

Athena Karkanis: cleavage by Saw actress

Erica Cox: cleavage in audience

Sarah Power: sexy

Vanessa Cobham: upskirt

Jake Reardon: topless

unknown: one of the many sexy "genterns"


Max Payne


The scenes of the "nude people making out" must have been heavily cut for a PG-rating. But the two lesbians kissing
are "Ed the Sock" hottube babe Christina Jocic (brunette) and Toronto area model Candice Hotchkiss (blonde).


"Poison Ivy 4: The Secret Society"


This movie is an anomaly. It's a PG-rated sequel to the softcore Poison Ivy series for the Lifetime Network starring the goody-two-shoes Miriam McDonald. Then it's released unrated to DVD with the Degrassi TNG actress suddenly topless for the first time in her career. Joey Jeremiah eat your heart out.

Shawna Waldron: topless

Miriam McDonald: topless

Michaela Mann: robohooters and butt then thong

Bridie Lunde: boob and butt then thong

Crystal Lowe: very sexy, lesbian kiss with Shawna.



Cable Beach


B.C. West coast drama.

Victoria Anderson: cleavage

Nancy Sivak: open blouse


"F2: Forensic Factor"

episode: "Bloody Valentine"

An unusually graphic crime re-enactment documentary especially for the PG-rated Discovery Canada Network.

Anita de Yonge: boobs blocked out.



"Jeff Ltd."

episode "To Kill a Mockingman"

Season 1 finale is the only episode with any female nudity.

Melanie Scrofano: partial boob









Kylie Minogue's bum in its prime


Film Clips