Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

The Card Player (2004)

The Card Player is a film which may leave you pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. It depends on your expectations.

Let's start with a blank slate. Assume you don't know anything about the movie except that it went straight to video. You'll find yourself watching a fairly interesting police procedural with a few touches of mad imagination. It is the usual story of the mundane hard-working police engaged in a battle of wits with an insane super-criminal. In this case, Mr Insane kidnaps women, then contacts the police to play online draw poker, best of five hands. If the police win, the victim goes free. If Mr Insane wins, he slits the victim's throat. For a little extra spice, a sound webcam broadcasts the face of the bound victim to the police station in real time.

Given that assumption, you will find that is a serviceable film to pass the time when you're bored, much like a gazillion other films which you have seen and forgotten. It is similar, for example, to a 2001 film called Hangman, which featured Lou Diamond Phillips. The Card Player obviously seems like a foreign film, not just because it takes place in Italy, but because the minor roles are all dubbed very poorly. On the other hand, the two stars are competent actors who speak English, and they have most of the screen time, so the acting doesn't destroy the fourth wall that often.  Apart from the poor dubbing, the only really weak element of the film is that it spends altogether too much of its running time simply showing the full play of every hand, despite the fact that online poker is not much of a spectator sport. On balance, the story's premise is not very original, and The Card Player is not a good film, but neither it is a very bad one. It's probably better than you expected.

Now let's tinker with your expectations. This time you know in advance that it is a Dario Argento film. Given that you now anticipate certain lurid pleasures from the film, you will find yourself deeply disappointed.

  • First of all, it is quite mundane, about as routine as it could possibly be given that it is about an insane super-criminal. No baroque flourishes, no shots from the insane man's POV, no crazy lighting schemes, nothing very operatic.
  • Second, it is not very violent. Almost all of the slashing occurs off-camera. When the super-criminal wins the poker hands, he flashes a knife menacingly at the bound victim, whose face is seen in a tiny and blurry window on the computer screen. The victim then drops out of sight, the web cam window becomes blank, and the off-camera woman's screams intensify until they stop entirely.
  • Third, there is no significant nudity or gore. There are some naked mutilated corpses, but they are obviously either full-body dummies or women covered with extremely thick prosthetics. There is no time when the corpses seem to be actual human females.

There are a few good moments and interesting minor characters, but it's just not the kind of over-the-top fun that you expect from Argento. It's just a routine run-of-the-mill movie.


Stefania Rocca (nudity??? I think none.)




The Thing Below (2004)

This film is also known as Sea Ghost.

It's basically the usual grade-B alien creature movie - high-ranking military officers wearing mullets and long sideburns, cops scratching their heads with loaded guns, painted clouds that never move, stock footage of planes taking off, a cartoonish CGI monster, guys at "command center" commenting on the action so we can follow the plot - that sort of thing, all topped off with the usual "The end????" finale.

The alien creature from the sea depths is roughly like some octopus tentacles, except without the pesky attached octopus. It also has the power of mind control like the monster in Event Horizon, so it presents itself to the members of the search team in forms they will allow to get near them. One crew member fancies himself quite the cowboy, so the monster appears to him as The Man With No Name in those Spaghetti Westerns, and challenges him to a showdown in the dusty streets of a deserted Western town. (I assume this set was available for free, so the director didn't want to waste the opportunity.) Although the action takes place far out at sea, ol' Tex never suspects a trap when he finds himself walking around Tombstone circa 1880, and he has no qualms about coming near the fallen gunslinger after the showdown, only to get choked and strangled by tentacles. Another crew member loves porn, so the monster comes to him in the form of the Adult Entertainer of the Year, and lures him near with a sexy striptease. Once again, the crew member illogically believes that she is really there to do a personal hot oil lap dance for him, approaches her, and you can guess the rest. There were other times when the creature took the form of a crew member to gain the trust of another, but the script quickly abandoned that device since it actually made some logical sense.

It's probably easiest just to say The Thing Below is a Jim Wynorski picture, because that's virtually a guarantee of something or another. Ol' Wynorski has made about as many bad films as anyone in history.

  1. (4.43) - Deathstalker II (1987) (V)
  2. (4.34) - Transylvania Twist (1990)
  3. (4.31) - Desert Thunder (1998)
  4. (4.27) - Not of This Earth (1988)
  5. (4.24) - Chopping Mall (1986)
  6. (4.20) - Little Miss Millions (1993)
  7. (4.18) - The Lost Empire (1983)
  8. (4.10) - Gale Force (2002) (V)
  9. (3.99) - Thy Neighbor's Wife (2001)
  10. (3.99) - Big Bad Mama II (1987)
  11. (3.85) - Against the Law (1997)
  12. (3.81) - The Haunting of Morella (1990)
  13. (3.80) - Sins of Desire (1993)
  14. (3.79) - Gargoyles (2004) (V)
  15. (3.79) - Lost Treasure (2003)
  16. (3.77) - Sorority House Massacre II (1990)
  17. (3.68) - The Bare Wench Project (2000)
  18. (3.68) - Militia (2000)
  19. (3.67) - Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure (1995) (V)
  20. (3.67) - Ablaze (2001)
  21. (3.67) - Hard Bounty (1995)
  22. (3.66) - Victim of Desire (1995)
  23. (3.60) - Demolition High (1996)
  24. (3.60) - Sorceress (1995)
  25. (3.60) - The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless (2001) (V)
  26. (3.60) - The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)
  27. (3.52) - Dinosaur Island (1994)
  28. (3.47) - Munchie (1992)
  29. (3.47) - Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III (1994) (V)
  30. (3.46) - The Curse of the Komodo (2004)
  31. (3.45) - Hard to Die (1990)
  32. (3.44) - The Assault (1996)
  33. (3.35) - Stealth Fighter (1999)
  34. (3.28) - Project Viper (2002)
  35. (3.26) - Vampirella (1996) (V)
  36. (3.25) - Virtual Desire (1995)
  37. (3.24) - Rangers (2000) (V)
  38. (3.22) - The Pandora Project (1998)
  39. (3.20) - Sea Ghost (2004)
  40. (3.19) - Final Voyage (1999)
  41. (3.17) - Munchie Strikes Back (1994)
  42. (3.14) - 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor (1991)
  43. (3.12) - Crash Point Zero (2000)
  44. (3.12) - Cheerleader Massacre (2003) (V)
  45. (3.05) - The Wasp Woman (1995) (TV)
  46. (2.83) - Storm Trooper (1998)
  47. (2.77) - Agent Red (2000)
  48. (2.55) - Raptor (2001) (V)
  49. (2.34) - Ghoulies IV (1994)

Is that a filmography, or what? Let me put that list into perspective.

  • Jess Franco is sometimes cited as a candidate when people evaluate the worst director of all time. Franco has been directing for 48 years, and has 184 directing credits at IMDb. In all that time, he has only 11 movies rated below 4.0 at IMDb, and none below 3.0. Wynorski has been directing for 20 years, and has already accumulated 41 movies below 4.0, of which four of them are beneath 3.0.

  • Ed Wood's median lifetime score is 3.2 for eleven rated films. John Derek's is 3.0 for five films. Wynorski's median is somewhat higher at 3.6 - but he has sustained that level for 49 rated films.

  • Here's another way to look at it. Plan 9 from Outer Space is rated 3.5, about equal to Wynorski's career median, so his career is roughly Plan 9 times 49, which is Plan 441 if my math is right.

  • Wynorski's highest rated movie (Deathstalker II, which I like) is scored higher than the others because it is outrageously and self-deprecatingly bad, not because it is good.

  • Since 1998, Wynorski has made only one movie rated above 4.0. He has never made a movie rated higher than 4.5.

So you see what Wynorski's general standard is, right? Well, Sea Ghost is so bad that Wynorski disowned it!!!

To be fair, I don't agree with this film's low ranking within the Wynorski canon. This movie is not good in the sense that it will steal any Oscar nominations, but is reasonably good by the standard of grade-B straight-to-vids and is not immediately recognizable as an amateurish or low-budget effort. In fact, it actually could have been one of Wynorski's better films. On DVD it looks like a real movie with a decent budget (the actual budget was $1.5 million), and the acting is at least generally competent, if uninspired. Of course, this kind of film can only be so good, but given the inherent natural ceiling imposed by low budget alien creature films in general, it really could have been OK - except for one thing:

Worst ... CGI ... ever.

The creature looks about as real as Pete's Dragon, but not as scary. That is the reason why Wynorski disavowed the final cut.

On the other hand, even bad CGI monsters are better than a rubber octopus or some guy wearing a Halloween monster suit, so it isn't really fair that this film is rated below Plan 9 or Bride of the Monster. It's not an outright abomination, but just a basic straight-to-vid creature feature which got destroyed by bad CGI effects.

Glori-Anne Gilbert


The Crimson Ghost

Gabbriella Gillithe in an episode of Compromising Situations

'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we return for more nudity & mayhem in "Ilsa the Wicked Warden."  First up is a topless Lina Romay as a "Babe in Bondage" who is terrorized by the evil Ilsa played by Dyanne Thorne.
Then another naked "Babe in Bondage," Peggy Markoff, gets a nasty whipping by Ilsa.
Next is Tania Busselier with perky nipples lying in bed, a full frontal  shower scene and then her turn as a 'Babe in Bondage" hanging  topless in chains followed by some bush as she is returned to her  cell.
For those who like it a little "Lighter" here's Kate Hudson with a leg show on "Leno".

A note from ICMS

It's been a while. I wanted to follow up on today's story in the "Other Crap" section about the rocking nun. In case you're interested here is the picture from newspaper "Het Laatste Nieuws" from August 23, 2005 of the aforementioned nun dancing dirty in Cologne in the presence of Popie Ratzie. BTW, why assume that Flanders equals not much fun? If that were the case, would I keep living here :-)  ........   ICMS


Comments by Brainscan.

I really miss Tuna's daily contributions.  A lot. Like all readers of the Funhouse I am a real Tuna fan and as much as anyone else I looked forward every day to seeing what new gem he'd sunk his teeth into.  Cannot wait for him to get back.  And I wanted to step into the void a bit by taking some of Tuna's previous work and playing around with them.  Here they are, then.

Amber Newman in Scandal: On the Other Side
Camilla More in Out of Time
Catalina Larranaga in Downward Angel
Erin Flannery in The Incubus
Erin Ramirez in Art House
Eva Falk in Variations
Gail Lawrence in Maniac
Griffin Drew in Scandal: On the Other Side
Jennifer Gareis in Lucky
Lana Clarkson in Blind Date
Lana Clarkson in Barbarian Queen
Lana Clarkson in Barbarian Queen 2
Lana Clarkson in Deathstalker
Lana Clarkson in The Haunting of Morella
Maria Delver in Dangerous
Michelle Hall in Scandal
Michelle von Flotow in Dark Passion
The immortal Muffy in Bongwater
Nancy O'Neill in Scandal
Rene Bond in Please Don't Eat My Mother
Samantha Phillips in Scandal: On the Other Side
Sandra Russo in Amore Italiano
Sylva Koscina in The Amorous Adventures of Casanova
Tatiana Novick in Marquis de Sade
Teri Weigel in Cheerleader Camp
Valerie Leon in Blood From the Mummys' Tomb


Dragonscan looks at Julie Benz in Darkdrive
Dragonscan looks at Kristin Davis in Sex and the City
Laura Prepon comes close to showing a breast in Lightning Bug
Lauren Lee Smith in Lie With Me. This film purportedly shows unsimulated oral sex.
Michelle March and Charlotte Marshall strip off in the Caribbean
Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Check out the product reviews for Anal Douche at

Robertson apologizes for assassination call, says it would be OK just to wound Chavez.

Grammar Nazis Wrestle With Grammatically Incorrect 'Virgin'

"BUSH PROPOSES MOVING NATION'S CAPITAL TO IDAHO" ... Move Could Mean Trillions To The Gem State

  • Business Leaders Say Idaho, the state which currently gives President George W. Bush his highest approval rating in the nation, could soon be getting something in return as the president today proposed moving the nation's capital to Idaho for the remainder of his second term.

Chris Wallace chats with Jon Stewart about politics and Steve Carell.

The Daily Show's Senior Drug Dealer Rob Corddry is totally holding.

Jon Stewart interviews Rachel Weisz

The Daily Show's Ed Helms looks into an 'extreme' health insurance plan. Woo!

This Week in God: Compari-Sin Stephen Colbert looks at how three different religions punish masturbation.

Woman Files Complaint After Doctor Tells Her She's Obese

  • Irony #1: the patient complained because her doctor spoke plainly and directly when he told her how to get healthy!
  • Irony #2: the patient complained because the doctor said he didn't want to take any more of her money!
  • Irony #3: the Attorney General's Office tried to get the doctor to settle the matter by agreeing to attend a medical education course, so he could learn to confuse patients with weasel-words and arcane medical jargon, to understate their need to change unhealthy behavior, and to take more of their money!! Now THAT'S proper professional behavior.


Mickey Mouse attempted suicide in the comic strip, late October, 1930 (with links to every strip)

DC Comics wants Batman and Robin Back In The Closet

  • The Kathleen Cullen Fine Art gallery in New York City has been running an exhibition of the work of Mark Chamberlain since February. The exhibition came to a screeching halt recently in spite of the brisk sales of many of the pieces exhibited. The subjects of the pictures Chamberlain was exhibiting were as controversial as they were obvious — uncompromisingly homoerotic depictions of Batman and Robin.

The New York Times offers a new explanation for the box office slump: a lot of this year's movies suck. Yes, that explains the failure of Stealth, but it does not explain why Cinderella Man failed, or why Michael Bay's best movie did worse this year than his bad ones did in previous years. Of course there have been some product failures, but there is also a "paradigm shift" in progress

Greenlight to Old School 2. The writer and director will return, but the stars have not yet been signed.

Wired interviews Jon Stewart

Family Guy has fun with AIDS. This program has upset many advocacy groups. “There is nothing comical about a person lying in a hospital bed dying of AIDS or any other disease. Fox owes people living with HIV/AIDS and their families an immediate apology.”

Curiosities from Japan's porno shops. (Amazingly free of octopi)

Thieves and parakeet rob a hardware store. ... "Police are looking for a woman with a pierced eyebrow. Her accomplice is described as a bald man, about 6 feet 4 inches tall and 240 pounds. A large green parakeet may be resting on a shoulder of either suspect."

O, Canada, our home and modest land. Canadian lottery winner wants new nylons They won 7.5 million Canadian dollars. Adjusting for the exchange rate and prices in Toronto, she might be able to get two pairs.

The Daily Show: "With 58% of Americans unhappy with Iraq, President Bush has started giving up naptime to drum up support."

The trailer for Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain

  • "An epic love story set against the sweeping vistas of Wyoming and Texas, Brokeback Mountain tells the story of two young men, a ranch-hand and a rodeo cowboy, who meet in the summer of 1963 and unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, one whose complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love."
  • Cowboys who have to hide the love that dare not speak its name? Could there be a more blatant Oscar grab?
  • If you think the official description sounds syrupy, wait until you hear the music. I'd call it The Cider House Rules Again, but this makes Lasse Hallström's movies seem like kick-ass redneck fun! On the other hand, major talent lurks beneath the surface. Annie Proulx wrote the story and Larry McMurtry co-wrote the screenplay.

The trailer for Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance

  • "Ryu (Ha-kyun Shin), a young factory worker, has recently quit art school in order to look after his sister, who is dying a slow, agonizing death for want of a kidney. When a doctor tells Ryu that he is an unsuitable donor and that the chances of finding one is slim, Ryu turns to the black market. But the old lady who runs an underground organ ring cheats him, taking both his life savings and his kidney and leaving him without the kidney she promised in exchange. Ryu's girlfriend, a Raggedy-Ann leftist named Youngmin (Du-na Bae), urges Ryu to kidnap the four-year-old daughter of industrialist owner Park Dong-Jin (Kang-ho Song), who recently laid off Ryu and many other workers from his factory. Ryu agrees, but just as the plan is on the verge of success, Ryu's sister discovers what Ryu and Youngmin have been up to, and kills herself in despair. Compounding the tragedy, Ryu loses track of his little illicit charge during a visit to his childhood haunts, and she drowns in the river Ryu and his sister played in as kids. Dong-jin's deep grief quickly turns to rage and he embarks on an implacable quest for vengeance. At the same time, Ryu goes after the organ traders, knowing that if they had come through, none of the tragic occurrences would ever have happened. Bound by their common sense of loss and deep-seated anger, the two are on a collision course of revenge."

The international trailer from Wolf Creek

  • "A chilling, factually-based, story of three road-trippers in remote Australia who are plunged into danger when they accept help from a friendly local."
  • And by "factually-based," they mean Australia really does exist! Or so they want us to believe.

Coming Soon! has two more new clips from Joss Whedon's Serenity

"W. vacationed so hard in Texas he got bushed. He needed a vacation from his vacation." It's difficult to see why he doesn't get along with the French.

Fascinating serious story: In Iraq Jail, Resistance Goes Underground

Regis Philbin Competes for 'Best Regis' Award. Of course, there are several other nominees, including Jimmy Fallon and David Duchovny.

Ben Affleck goes back to writing. I know it sounds weird to say out loud, but Affleck is an Oscar winner - for writing. He has a TV series and a movie in the pipeline.

iowahawk: Hello Blubbuh, Hello Flabbah - Michael Moore writes home from Fat Camp

Porn Star or My Little Pony?

  • "That's what we're here to find out. Below is a list of names. Each name belongs to either a porn star, or a My Little Pony. Your job is to try and tell the fornicator from the latter. Supine or equine? New Wave Hookers or new-agey hoofers? "

This week's movies: The Brothers Grimm - 42% positive reviews.

  • Polarized reviews, ranging from "Gilliam is a film artist with a grand and copious vision that he incorporates into every frame of every film like a potion" to "Mr. Gilliam has no clear idea what he's doing, so the movie is nothing more than noise, costumes and disjointed special effects that do not make an acceptable substitute for the sense of tempo the rest of the film sorely lacks."

This week's movies: The Cave - not enough reviews for a score

The Weekend Warrior makes his predictions for this weekend's box office.

  • He is not very inspired by The Brothers Grimm, and thinks it will battle The 40 Year Old Virgin for the top spot with a mediocre total.
  • He's predicting a weak fifth place for The Cave

Google Talk is now ready to rock 'n roll

Pat Reeder (

Pat's comments in yellow:

Ball And Chain - Dozens of wedding guests boarded a yacht docked off Atlantic City for an elaborate formal wedding, only to find it was really an FBI sting.  The bride and groom were undercover agents who had lived among them for seven years, investigating an Asian-US smuggling ring.  The FBI staged the wedding ceremony just to arrest the 87 guests, which also led to the seizure of $4.4 million in counterfeit $100 bills; $700,000 in fake postage stamps; over a billion counterfeit cigarettes; a large quantity of methamphetamines, ecstasy and Viagra; and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of knock-off designer jeans.

*  ...And 87 toasters.
*  Too bad the wedding was fake; sounds like they brought some great gifts.
*  Does the bride still have to write thank-you notes?
*  Martha Stewart planned the wedding, as part of her community service.
*  But all the loot they seized still didn't cover the cost of the wedding.

Las Ultimas Noticias reports that some entrepreneurs in Sao Paulo, Brazil, have opened the Pet Love Motel, a sex motel for pets.  Like
human versions, the rooms are decorated with cushions, satin sheets and ceiling mirrors.  A spokesperson said, "Pets have needs, and they also want some excitement."

* Doing it doggy-style isn't exciting enough?
*  Their spokesperson: Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.
*  If you bring a parakeet, he'll just have sex with the bird in the ceiling mirror.
* Also like the human sex motels, it's where you go to get a little tail from some bitch in heat.
*  If you think your dog gets excited about a car trip NOW...

To intimidate and emasculate football opponents, the University of Iowa painted the visiting teams' locker room at Kinnick Stadium pink all over: walls, carpet, ceiling, toilet stalls, commode seats and even the urinals.  Des Moines Register columnist Sean Keeler said it's like "Barbie's Dream House on acid, a pastel nightmare. You feel naked without a little dog in one arm and a handbag in the other."

*  It's a locker room...They ARE naked!
*  Oops, they forgot to take the urinals out!... Never mind: after 10 minutes in there, they all pee sitting down.
*  One team went in there, and the quarterback quit to become a Mary Kay representative.
*  The moral: never let Paris Hilton design your locker room.
*  Of course, they could overreact and take even more steroids.

Police in Guatemala charged a 25-year-old man with wasting their time with a false report after he disappeared on his wedding day, then showed up three hours too late for the ceremony, claiming he'd been kidnaped.  Police said they discovered he'd lied "to escape the
wedding, poor bride."

*  He's now begging the judge to sentence him to protective custody.
*  He had to choose between two prisons, and at least this one gives him time off for good behavior.
*  He and the Runaway Bride should get together, then jilt each other.

Belgian nun Johanne Vertommen was reprimanded by her mother superior after news photos of her at the Catholic Youth Day celebration in Germany were printed.  She was dancing with a missionary, and in one photo, she was flying up in the air jitterbug style, while in another, she was hanging on with her legs wrapped around him.  She was in a crowd of 700,000, including the Pope.  The nun explained, "I wouldn't do this at home, but at such occasions I get carried away by the enthusiasm of the group."

*  From now on, she'll do all her dancing in the missionary position.
*  And now, 700,000 people know that nuns don't wear panties.
*  This is why Baptists don't have sex standing up: it could lead to dancing.
*  She may quit the convent and join the road company of "Nunsense."

British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, best known for playing Ali G, pulled a stunt that backfired on the beach in Malibu.  In his guise as foreign TV reporter Borat, he came out of the water on an inflatable turtle and knocked Pamela Anderson to the sand with a flying rugby tackle.  Her security men grabbed him and dragged him back into the water.  Pam was reportedly on the beach to preside over a wedding ceremony for her two dogs, Star the golden retriever and Luca the Chihuahua.

*  For Luca's sake, let's hope he's the male.
*  Doesn't he know it's not funny to interrupt a sacred religious ceremony?
*  Pam tried to dodge him, but when she's on a beach, she runs in slow motion.
*  Know what would be really funny?  If the security guys had dragged him back into the water and held him under for awhile.

The New York Post reports that journalist Neil Strass is writing a book about pick-up artists, and he used the techniques he'd learned to pick up Courtney Love while interviewing her for Rolling Stone.  It worked too well: a few days later, she said her car was repossessed and asked to move into the house he was sharing with some pick-up instructors.  She allegedly swore at a dog, threatened to punch a
roommate, used his toothbrush, sat in on a pick-up class topless to offer her own tips, and woke Strauss up at 2:20 a.m. holding a Prada shoe and saying, "Let's redecorate the house!  This will be our hammer!"

*  You guessed it: she was hammered.
*  After watching Courtney Love, all the men in the pick-up class decided to turn gay.
*  He's now trying to learn some expert techniques for getting Courtney Love out of his house.

Spin magazine listed the 25 "most incredible" rock star body parts, including Michael Stipe's skull, Elvis' pelvis, Gene Simmons' tongue, Tina Turner's legs, 50 Cent's chest, Bruce Springsteen's butt and Tommy Lee's manhood.  Topping the list was Madonna's navel, and at #2, Keith Richards' liver.  Spin said Keith's liver tissue is so indestructible that when he dies, they'll line the exterior of the space shuttle with it.

*  Along with the lining of Whitney Houston's nose.
*  Put them all together, and you have the new lead singer for INXS.
*  Failing to make the list: Britney Spears' cellulite, Elton John's hair and Courtney Love's brain.


Bill Clinton is hosting a three-day "Clinton Global Initiative" in Manhattan to help come up with solutions to global poverty.  Attendance
costs $15,000 a person.

* My suggestion for ending poverty: get a bunch of suckers to give you $15,000 each.



The CDC's 2005 Obesity Report claims that 25 percent of Americans are now obese, and 40 percent are overweight.  Every state posted weight gains except, for some reason, Oregon.  Critics admitted obesity is a problem, but questioned the methods, saying the CDC classifies anyone slightly heavier than the standard for their height as obese, even muscular athletes.

*  Like sumo wrestlers.
*  Athletes are heavy, but they have no fat: their bodies are 90 percent muscle and 10 percent steroids.
*  Every place but Oregon, they conducted the polling at WalMart.
*  Remember when the big worry in America was that children might go to bed hungry?

Dr. Terry Bennett of Rochester is being investigated by the New Hampshire attorney general for bluntly telling a patient she was fat.  He says it's his standard lecture to all obese patients: that she can't get healthier by seeing doctors but only by losing weight.  The woman complained, and officials will now decide if he was "inflammatory and degrading."  Bennett said he didn't mean to offend, he just told her the truth.  Other formerly obese patients defended him.  One said she was furious at first, too, and stormed to her car, then realized he was only the messenger.

*  She realized it when she couldn't fit into her SUV.
*  And you know what they say: "Don't eat the messenger."
*  She refused to believe she's fat, even though he took out a tongue depressor and she demanded one with a Fudgesicle on it.
*  He told her she was fat, she demanded a second opinion, and he said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."
*  He said being blunt is the only way to get it through their fat heads.


Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

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