Saturday

Tuna
"The Animal"

The Animal (2001) has Rob Schneider as a cop wannabe stuck as an evidence clerk because he can't pass the obstacle course to qualify as a police officer. He is in a near fatal auto accident, and a mad scientist rebuilds him with animal organs. He then has animal instincts and abilities. These first manifest themselves when he smells a balloon of heroin in a guy's ass at the airport, resulting in an arrest which gets him his cop job. The head sergeant doesn't like him, and tries to make his life difficult, and he is having an increasingly difficult problem controlling his animal urges. He is doing better at getting close to his dream girl, Colleen Haskell. Look for Ed Asner as the police cheif.

The nudity is provided by a TV commercial for a health supplement, badger milk, when Berglind Icey and another model show their breasts as part of the ad. IMDb readers have this at 4.8 of 10, and critical response was a dismal 29% at Rotten Tomatoes, yet it earned $55.8M against a $19.6M budget. Perhaps this review will help express my own feelings, "The movie's selling point is Schneider acting goofy, chewing on worms, making goo-goo eyes at a she-goat and licking his private parts." That was meant to be a negative review. Problem was, I laughed my ass of when Schneider licked his balls, and Asner ordered him to take a paid leave, and to teach him how to do it. It was stupid, preposterous, way over the top, full of physical humor and corny dialogue, but I found it funny most of the time. C-.

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  • Berglind Icey (1, 2, 3, 4)

    "Quartet"

    Quartet (1981) is a Merchant Ivory joint British French production of an autobiographical novel by Director, Jean Rhys. The tale takes place in the mid 20's in Paris, and tells the story of a young woman, Isabelle Adjani, whose husband is jailed for smuggling art out of France. Left penniless, she falls easy prey to artist Maggie Smith and her art agent husband Alan Bates, both the cream of Paris society and darlings of the cabaret set. Smith wants to paint her, and Bates wants to bed her, a relationship which Smith allows, as long as her friends don't find out.

    Adjani has other mis-adventures, including showing up for a modeling job only to discover that it is a pornographer. When her husband is released from prison, he must leave the country. Adjani shows breasts in three different scenes. Shirley Allan and Muriel Montossé, as pornographic models, show breasts and buns through thin lingerie. Three dancers are seen in a cafe act with pasties.

    IMDb readers score this 5.8 of 10. This is major chick flick territory, youth division, with women voting 1.8 higher than men, and the 18 to 29 set much higher than other age groups. That wasn't my issue with the film. I was not able to relate to any of the characters, and, in fact, didn't much like them. But even more than that, this was supposed to be the Golden Era of Paris, the City of Lights, Hemingway's Moveable Feast, and the entire film was dark and shot with subdued colors. Adjani at 26 was very appealing, but nothing else about the film resonated with me. Adjani and Smith were both recognized for their performances. Low C-.

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  • Dancers (1, 2)
  • Isabelle Adjani (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22,)
  • Muriel Montosse (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Shirley Allan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    "Knocking on Death's Door"

    Knocking on Death's Door (1999) is a low budget ghost thriller. Brian Bloom and his new bride, Kimberly Rowe, are parapsychologists, and take a job together moving into and investigating a haunted house. The two frequently battle over his jealousy, especially when it comes to their boss and former professor, with whom she had an affair in school. It doesn't take long for things to start going bump in the night, and their having sex seems to trigger it.

    The ghost trusts, and seem to protect her, but is violent to others. They slowly uncover the true identity of the ghost, and uncover skeletons (literally ad figuratively) in the small town. Rowe shows her breasts in a sex scene.

    IMDB readers have this at bottom feeding range of 4.3, and I don't believe it had a theatrical release. My guess it that it was the universally poor acting, weak story, and obviously low budget production values that people, including me, objected to. D.

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  • Kimberly Rowe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    WMV clips (2002):

     

    UPDATES:

    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

     

    OTHER CRAP:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Shiloh

    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

     

    Various:

    • Gwyneth Paltrow gets nekkid in Sylvia. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Lolita Davidovich flashes animal loving Richard Gere in the notorious stinkfest, Intersection. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • LOTR's Miranda Otto is naked in The Nostradamus Kid. Howe much extra did she get paid to do a love scene with ultracreep Noah Taylor? (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • In honor of the sign-off of Sex and the City, here's a younger Kim Cattrall  in Split Second (.avi version, .wmv version)

    • And here's the famous full-frontal from former news anchor Andrea Thompson in A Gun, A Car, A Blonde. Here's a crazy case of a film that everyone in the world detests: critics, IMDb users, even the people that financed it. Turns out Tuna and I both thought it was warm, and amusing, and stylish. And it had Andrea Thompson running around naked, which helped my attitude considerably. How d'ya figure? (.avi version, .wmv version)

     

    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
     
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Remember the one about the guy who went to a fight and a hockey game broke out? I know how he feels.

    I rented a movie and a travelogue broke out. Well, that'a lie. Two, in fact.

    I didn't rent a movie. I rented an American-Italian production on celluloid film called Primitive Love (1964). A thing. Couldn't call it a movie. Shouldn't, at least.

    And it wasn't a real travelogue. Most of it wasn't. It was a fake travelogue in which the producers attempted to use a National Geographic exemption to get some tits and ass into their... thing.

    Lemme explain. In Primitive Love, Jayne Mansfield the actress plays Jayne Mansfield the noted cultural anthropologist, who has come to town to show her documentary on tribal mating rituals to a professor-type person.

    As she checks into her hotel she is spotted by a pair of porters who want nothing more in life than to get a good look at Jayne's hooters. And so they drop everything else they might be doing to spy on Jayne as she dresses, undresses, redresses and reundresses. The "actors" who play the porters mug so shamelessly they make Jim Carrey at his most florid and frenetic appear like Morgan Freeman at his most restrained and elegant. Words fail me as to how more adequately describe them so I grabbed a couple of frames just to show all y'all. Mind you, these are not the worst of their respective performances... just a couple of frames from late in the movie.

    • Here are the two goombas playing the porters. It hurts just to look at them. (1, 2)


    Okay, back to Jayne. Throughout the movie... I mean, thing... you see her in cleavage revealing clothing. And if you know anything about Ms. Mansfield (who was Hefmate of the month for Feb 1955....forty-nine years ago!) it was that she had some major cleavage to reveal.

    So I grabbed 5 collages worth. Number 2 is a composite of three frames, with Jayne in a dark wig (she's supposed to be an Hawaiian native).

    The last two collages are particularly interesting because they show Jayne doing a striptease. This comes at the end of things as our anthropologist-heroine attempts to prove that she can bedazzle and bewitch the pair of porters. The bottom two frames of the last collage are as close as Jayne gets in this movie to giving up some goodies.

    And that makes some sense because it was 1964 and even in Italy very few movies had stars in their birthday suits. What to do, then, if you want to show off somebody's T's and A? The answer comes in the middle 25 minutes, as Jayne shows the professor her 8mm film. Throughout it, women who are far too well-dressed, well-coiffed or light-skinned to be real natives dance, fish, recline and run around topless. I counted six such native-babes. The producers must have figured that the only respectable way to show skin in the early sixties was to package it as a National Geographic-like documentary. It can't be dirty if it's natural, I guess, even if the prinipals are native to San Remo, not the Serengeti.

    • Jayne Mansfield (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Unknowns (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    IMDB has this one rated a 5.2/10 and the only comments about it are positive. Hey, I like odd movies but this I do not get. The movie, er...thing, pissed me off something fierce. I despised the porters and the guys who played them, I was bored by the lack of a plot, annoyed by the 25-minute-long psuedo-documentary and aggravated by Jayne's constant, no-reward teasing. Bad is one thing. Relentlessly stupid and proud of it? Well, that is something else altogether different... and this one is as relentless and as proud of its stupidity as any thing I've ever seen.

    Dann
    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "In the Cut"
    When they said this 2003 crime thriller was a vast departure for Meg Ryan, I assumed they meant because of some nudity, and I also assumed it was fairly brief nudity. Boy, was I wrong. In the uncut directors version, you get an explicit oral sex scene (not by Ryan), several explicit sex scenes and nudity (by Ryan), and language that would make a sailor blush (by everybody).

    When a bodyless head ends up in her garden, a New York writing professor is questioned as a witness by a detective who takes an interest in her. As the affair grows, it begins to look like he may be both the hunter and the hunted.

    Director Jane Campion must have been having a bad day for all the months this movie was filmed, because she didn't have any really likeable characters in this movie. Every one of them, including the heroine, has a really sleazy quality that she brings out by showing tons of sex and some of the roughest language you'll likely hear in a movie. I suspect the theatre-released R rated version is a lot tamer than the uncut version I saw, because the uncut version is basically triple-X.

    Variety
    Jennifer Aniston
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    		Aniston and her mega-pokies from Thursday night's episode of "Friends".

    Jenny Mollen Rhyno takes another look at her near-toplessness from a recent episode of "Angel".

    Laura San Giacomo
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    		For a pint size woman, she sure does have an impressive chest! No nudity here, but plenty of cleavage from the "Just Shoot Me" star in scnes from "Nina Takes a Lover" (1994).

    Beverly Hotsprings
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    		Señor Skin 'caps of the adult and sometimes non-adult actress topless and full frontal (link #6) in a brief scene from "Judas Kiss" (1998).

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    GEST TO MARRY DIANA ROSS?
    It's His Macho Allure - Just when you thought David Gest's life couldn't get any weirder, London's Daily Express claims that Liza's ex is planning to marry Diana Ross. The tabloid says that even though Ross is a friend of Liza's, she apparently turned to Gest for comfort after her drunk driving arrest and romance bloomed.

  • Dear Lord! How drunk WAS she?!
  • She has to marry him right away, before she sobers up and realizes he's gay.
  • He's sick of living with a spoiled, abusive diva! He wants to live with Diana Ross!


    HOW OLD IS ASHTON?
    He's Too Old For Her! - Much is made of Demi Moore's boyfriend Ashton Kutcher being too young for her at 26. But the National Enquirer checked his hometown birth records and California voter records, and they show he was born in 1974, which makes him 30.

  • So Demi's dumping him.
  • But it all works out, because Demi is really 52.
  • In Hollywood, this means they're both over the hill.


    MICHAEL SUED OVER SURRENDER FLIGHT
    That Ain't Peanuts - Michael Jackson is being sued by the travel agent who chartered the plane to fly him to California to surrender to the police when he was arrested. She claims he never paid the jet's $18,000 fee. Now she wants $50,000 for all the itemized expenses, including in-flight peanuts.

  • Damn! For a skinny guy, Michael puts away a LOT of peanuts!
  • This was a particularly nutty flight.
  • Michael claims she's twisting his arm...And now it's broken!