• I added about 600 new pics to existing volumes the encyclopedia, in virtually every section, and added about 200 new pics in 8 new volumes. (All changes in yellow)



Silence Becomes You (2005)

Silence Becomes you is a straight to vid filmed in Vilnius, Lithuania.

Let me shout out a "Stop!" before you run out to Blockbuster to get it. I know it sounds terrific so far, but there are some other things you should know.

Alicia Silverstone and Sienna Guillory co-star in what is essentially a three person play about a couple of strange sisters who bring home a drifter for ... well, I guess that purpose is kind of the point of the movie. You're supposed to figure out exactly why they have brought him back to their mansion and why they are so odd and reclusive to begin with. All of that is basically revealed in flashbacks.

In the present time, the drifter falls in love with one of the sisters, she seems to reciprocate, and this causes the other sister to become crazy with jealousy. It's not what you think. She doesn't want the guy for herself. You see, they brought the guy home for a specific purpose, and if sis falls in love with him, it will spoil the grand design. Moreover, the two girls have lives which are so intertwined with one another and their old house that the jealous sister cannot bear the thought that she might lose her only companion to the outside world.

It functions somewhere between a ghost story and a psychological drama. Although the audience sees ghosts, for example, they turn out not to be real, but memories as seen in the eyes of one character or another. Sometimes they just seem to be metaphorical ghosts. For the most part it stays on our side of the great beyond, but I have to admit that the couple of times when it strayed into the paranormal were very irritating. After all, this is the kind of film where the audience is kept interested by trying to guess the secrets.

"Are the sisters ghosts? Are they crazy? Were they originally planning to murder their guest? Will the jealous sister murder the guest to retain her special relationship with her sister? Just why do they behave the way they do?" 

In order to keep the audience guessing about these matters, the script introduces a few elements that seem paranormal. What annoyed me is that the explanation turned out to be psychological, not paranormal, and the previous paranormal incidents were never explained. In other words, they were just in there as red herrings to keep us guessing. I have nothing against that in principle. No good sleight-of-hand can exist without some misdirection, and even the best directors use some red herrings, but it is essential that the false clues must fit into the final explanation, and that was not the case here. To give one example, when Silverstone tried to run away with the drifter, the other sister (Guillory) started to burn Silverstone's picture. As the picture burned, the camera switched to Silverstone, who was reacting in pain as if the picture had been a voodoo doll. When Guillory had a change of heart and doused the flames, Silverstone's pains stopped immediately. So my question is this - if the final explanation for the girl's behavior is scientific and exists entirely in the real universe, as we are led to believe, then how do you explain the voodoo doll effect? My take on it is that it was just there to allow the scriptwriter to deepen the mystery by suggesting that the sisters had some kind of unearthly connection. Yet that did not conform to the ultimate explanation. That's cheating.

I found some other details quite annoying as well. (1) Alicia Silverstone must have done ten sex scenes in this film, and never showed any kind of flesh at all - not even a good look down a nightgown. I suppose there are those who would be entertained by a profusion of fully-dressed sex scenes, but I do not count myself among them. (2) The film has one of those ambiguous, under-explained endings that just leave you thinking, "whaaaa?"

Having made those points, I'll add that there is some talent on display in this film. Rural Lithuanian estates are pretty damned atmospheric in the wintertime, all three of the actors are competent, and the tone of the film is both consistent and effective.

The most memorable element of this production occurred off-camera. Silence Becomes You was filmed entirely with a high-definition (1920x1080) video camera with a true 16x9 aspect ratio. The film's dailies were projected each night onto a custom-designed ten foot screen with a special HD projector developed especially for this job, thus allowing a director in Vilnius to have even better "rushes" than he would have back in a Hollywood studio. The publicity material called this movie, "The world's first 100% digital cinematography feature film."  Read the detailed technical specs here.

Sienna Guillory



Welcome to Arrow Beach (1974)

Here's a good tip for you drifters. If a stranger offers you his hospitality by saying he'd like to have you for dinner, make sure you clear up the inherent ambiguity of his invitation. Especially if he looks like Laurence Harvey.

That is precisely the lesson learned by a hippie drifter named Robin (Meg Foster), who accepts a dinner invitation from ol' Larry before she discovers that when he says he eats chicks, he doesn't mean small chickens, and he's not making a reference to oral sex. It turns out that Larry served in Korea and he was forced into a situation where he had to eat human flesh to survive, and he just really developed a craving for "long pork," especially of the female variety, and particularly with a light mustard/tarragon sauce and a bottle of beaujolais. Chicks - the other white meat! Larry really gets into gourmet cannibalism, and even entices his spooky sister to become a big fan of of his favorite entree, "Drifter Dijon."

Poor Meg Foster never sees the warning signs in advance, although some of them seemed kind of obvious, like Larry's sister telling her to lock her door, and mainly the human heads on the wall in the trophy room.

Hey, c'mon, I keed. Larry was actually a nice guy. In fact, he lived to serve women.

Meg finally figures things out when she wanders around the house at night and sees ol' Larry chopping up a human corpse with a meat cleaver. She barely manages to runs away and share her story with the local gendarmerie, who simply won't take the word of a homeless hippie chick when she's pitted up against the solemn authority and gravitas exuded by a local war hero. So she has to ... (is your guess locked in?) ... take the law into her own hands.

By acting in and directing the film, Laurence Harvey became the Orson Welles of cannibal films! Unfortunately for Larry's memory, he passed away from this world in between the time that the film was "completed" (I use that word hesitantly) and the release date, thus assuring that Arrow Beach would be remembered as his final contribution to the dominant art-form of the 20th century. It also comprises half of his career directorial output. He directed only one other film, an equally obscure 1963 offering called The Ceremony.

Harvey's acting in the film is predictably intense and haunted and joyless, as you might expect from a man playing a tragic cannibal while he himself was dying of cancer, but that was just typical grade-B stuff, and would not serve to make the film especially memorable. His direction is what makes the film really shine with incompetence. The musical score, for example, is non-stop elevator music, capped off by a Lou Rawls love ballad which is crooned in the performer's characteristically mellow style over the opening credits. If that weren't enough to destroy the tone of a cannibal film, there's also the standard comic relief that only an incompetent deputy can provide! (Where was David Arquette when the seventies needed him?)

The film also has a lot of problems that were probably derived directly from Harvey's terminal illness. The second half of the movie focuses on a detective who is trying to bring the cannibal to justice, and that story is just dropped and forgotten, as if Harvey had been too sick to keep shooting. In fact, that probably is the explanation, because Harvey was even too sick to play the climactic confrontational scene with the avenging hippie. That scene was performed by a double, despite the fact that the double's face is in the shots, confusingly enough! Harvey was also too sick to work with the editor on the final cut, and he made his suggestions telephonically from his deathbed, without actually seeing the results.

The film's greatest problem, however, had nothing to do with the lack of continuity and the inconsistent tone. You may ask, "What could be worse than that?" Well, I'll tell you. Except for a couple of gory scenes, this film is all talk, and it's not just the usually expository dialogue which low-budget movies have to substitute for pictorialization. It's endless philosophizing and debate about such topics as why youths were so aimless in that time, why we need to treat our war veterans better, and other such completely sincere and utterly boring matters which would be more appropriately discussed on Meet the Press than in a movie in which the characters press the meat.

The incompetence of the film makes it unappealing to mainstream audiences, and the inexplicitness makes it too tame for aficionados of the Italian Cannibal Movie genre. That means that the only possible audience for the film consists of bad movie lovers. Arrow Beach does have some tasty moments which will bring a smile to that cynical crowd, but in general it's too verbose and just too damned boring to provide the proper bad movie vibe. On the other hand, if MST3K ever comes back with an R-rated cable show, Arrow Beach should be one of their first endeavors, because this would be a great one to watch with Mike and the bots.

Meg Foster (she was hot and spooky at the same time)

Meg Foster video clips (1, 2)


Other Crap:

Doonesbury introduces Skippy McScapegoat

Leave it to The Sun to take the high road on any story. "ANGELINA JOLIE'S lesbian lover has given a warning to Brad Pitt"

If you are always looking for obscure old movies on DVD, you'll love these guys.

  • You can really find some offbeat crap there. I found the legendary Lawrence Harvey crapfest Welcome to Arrow Beach, which I thought to be lost forever.

Dalai Lama launches personal website

  • ... so he's got that goin' for him.
  • Man, he has some hot babes on his web cams.
  • ... and, of course, the site is filled with excellent long-driving tips. I've already added twenty yards off the tee. Big hitter, the Lama.

Bubba the Love Sponge will be relaunched by Howard Stern

  • Stern has complete control of two 24-hour stations, and Mr Sponge will be the PM drive guy for one of them.
  • Sirius is making tha big gamble that Stern will be able to bring his twelve million listeners over to satellite. As of this moment, they have only a few hundred thousand subscribers, and they estimates that they need a million new subscribers to break even on Howard.
  • I have to admit that I will make the move myself, as soon as Howard is in place.

"Brokeback," "Crash" lead Critics Choice nominees

  • Best actor nominees include Heath Ledger for "Brokeback Mountain," Philip Seymour Hoffman for "Capote," Joaquin Phoenix in "Walk the Line," David Strathairn in "Good Night," Russell Crowe for "Cinderella Man" and Terrence Howard in "Hustle & Flow."

  • Best actress nominees were Reese Witherspoon for "Walk the Line," Dame Judi Dench in "Mrs. Henderson Presents," Joan Allen with "The Upside of Anger," Felicity Huffman for "Transamerica," Keira Knightley in "Pride & Prejudice" and Charlize Theron for "North Country."

NFL 2005 - Scoreboard

  • San Diego and KC lost, while the Steelers won, leaving those three teams all 8-5, running a dead heat for the sixth and final AFC spot.
  • Same deal in the NFC. Dallas and the Viking both won, the Falcons play Monday night. If the Falcons win, all three teams will be 8-5, fighting for that sixth slot.

The Colts make it 13-0

Some nice video clips of exposure from fashion models.

  • Don't be put off by the bizarre look of the site, because he has some good material. The only downside is that the clips are hosted by rapidshare, so there is a download limit.

Film Jerk's Early Report for December 11

  • "This week's Early Report covers the 39 known new movies opening in theatres or expanding their runs between Tuesday December 13 and Friday January 13"

The Filthy Critic reviews The Chronicles of Narnia

  • "It's a shame, really, when adults suck all the life out of a kid's story. They pretend to revere it, but what they really do is worship the profit potential at the expense of the story and the kids. This movie is like a grown up who never opens the action figures he loved as a kid. Yeah, they're worth a lot now, but you sure miss out on all the fun that way."

Headline of the day: "Banana Boy Arrested After Faux Fight"

A rural town divided -- over election of goat as mayor

  • What really makes it complicated is that the goat's opponent in the election was also his lover!


Weekend Box Office Results, December 9-11, 2005

  • Narnia dazzled, with an opening 25% above expectations. It was the second best December opening of all time. The other three movies in the Top Four are the three installments of Lord of the Rings. Excluding those, the highest December weekend is $46 million, and Narnia did $67!!!
  • The extra Narnia business appears to have been genuine incremental business, not cannibalization from other films. Syriana was not affected by the big Narnia numbers, and the holdovers all performed about as expected. Given the fact that the past two weekends have been within a percent of last year's comparable performances, expectations for this week are defined as "about the same as last year's performance on the same weekend." By that definition, the weekend was about $17 million above expectations. That $17 million came just about directly from the incremental portion of the Narnia business. The ability to bring in new theatergoers without affecting the habitual movie crowd is something we haven't really seen since Passion of the Christ and Fahrenheit 9/11.
  • That's kind of interesting since much has been made about the religious allegory in Narnia, and its parallels to Passion of the Christ. I wonder if it has been talked up and promoted by church groups, like Passion.
  • The weekend was 17% above last year. Record-breaking performances from Potter and Narnia have made some real progress in salvaging a disappointing year, and one can't help but think that the widely-hyped King Kong will do even better. has a vid of Tina Fey on Conan

Riding Sun Separated at Birth, part II: George Clooney and Khaled Mishaal

Churches to close Christmas Day because of anticipated low attendance.

Santa sacked for being nice to children

New Rules - A Brief Excerpt from the Book by Bill Maher

Officer Dies Interrupting Burglary Near Bronx Home; "Sopranos" Actor Is Held


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.



Mother (1970) is the Don Joslyn film Scoppy wrote expensively about. It was made with no budget in friends apartments, houses and garages and filmed on weekends. I can only assume he got Wally Cox, Julie Newmar and Victor Buono to appear out of freindship. According to an included interview, we know Newmar was not paid.

It looks and feels more like a silent film than a talkie, with most of the gags being physical. Newmar is the ruthless owner of a toy factory. She sees Wallie Cox, a toy salesman and amateur puppet maker, charm children in a toy store, and decides she needs him to make commercials for her, so she assigns Buono to get him under contract. They soon learn that his hobby is following attractive women, and try several to get him to sign. What they don't realize is that Newmar's photo on the contract reminds him of his own abusive mother, and he runs every time. Buono, now in trouble with his own mother, tries to kill Cox.

An anonymous nude model shows her buns, and Angelique Pettyjohn shows both breasts and buns. Graded as a normal film, it is deserving of negative stars, but as a bad movie, it is a real hoot. C.

Angelique Pettijohn

Julie Newmar


"The Lust Connection"

The Lust Connection (2005 Video) The whodunnit staring Glori-Anne Gilbert, uses the Internet hot-line cheating gambit to show the male lead, Frank Harper, having sex with Glori-Anne Gilbert, Monigue Parent, Julie K. Smith, Holly Hollywood, Avy Scott, Chasey Laine and Jodey Moore. These are all three B performances.

IMDb readers have this at 3.6. That score, clearly, reflects the plot, and not the exposure. By our system, this is a C-. Plenty of nudity and simulated sex in good light, but not enough story to rate a C.

Avy Scott

Chasey Lain

Holly Hollywood

Jodie Moore

Julie K. Smith

Monique Parent


Today from the Ghost...a legend of Late Night Cable (Kira Reed) and an adult film star (Keri Windsor) both show all 3 B's and even have a little lesbo fun together in scenes from an episode of Skinemax series "Passion Cove".

Kira Reed

Kira Reed and Keri Windsor

Today the Time Machine travels back to 1993 for "Angel Eyes", a Fred Olen Ray movie. So what does that mean? Well it means you will see ample nudity of course!

We start with Monique Gabrielle, a former Pet and actress with plenty of B-movie screen time. Monique displays her ample bosom.

Monique Gabrielle

Naturally, you need a shower scene! Monique is joined by Rachel Vikers AKA Raven (a late 80's & early 90's porn veteran).

Monique Gabrielle and Rachel Vikers

More tomorrow from this one.


The latest in my own little obsession with Brother Tuna's work. A little of everything in this collaborative effort, including something that would make for an interesting poll of the Funhouse members. That would be: Best One and Only Nude Scene. Jeanne Tripplehorn's scene in Basic Instinct has to be in the top 10. She was a babe.


Agnès Rosier
Alexia Moore
"Lust in Space"
Amy Lindsay
"Bikini Airways"
Angelina Jolie
Barbara Caron
"Sweet Georgia"
Bijou Phillips
Bijou Phillips
Darian Caine
"The Erotic Mirror"
Darian Caine
"Lust for Dracula"
Darian Caine
"Vampire Queen"
Dina Meyer
"Starship Troopers"
Dina Meyer
"Starship Troopers"
Elizabeth Cromwell
"The Strangler's Wife"
Jeanne Triplehorn
"Basic Instinct"
Jeanne Triplehorn
"Basic Instinct"
Jenny McCarthy
"Dirty Love"
Jessica Simpson
"The Dukes of Hazzard"
Loren DePalma
"Creatures from the Abyss"
Maria Conchita Alonso
Marsha Jordan
"Sweet Georgia"
Marsha Jordan
"Sweet Georgia"
Nikki Griffin
"The Dukes of Hazzard"
Polly Adams
"With These Hands"
Sharon Stone
"Basic Instinct"
Sharon Stone
"Basic Instinct"