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"Picture Windows" (1995)

Picture Windows (1995) is an obscure mini-series suggested by a Funhouse reader. It consists of three short stories. Supposedly, paintings come to life to reveal the stories. The first episode is loosely based on Pagliache, and is about a clown in a tragic love affair. It is beautifully filmed, and was nominated by American Society of Cinematographers for best achievement in a mini series. It was directed by Norman Jewison. The third episode, Language of the Heart, tells the story of a ballerina, and the young street musician who captured her heart. It won an Emmy for the music.

The second episode, Song of Songs was far and away my favorite, and contained clear topless from Sally Kirkland. George Segal plays a middle aged baker who works with his wife in a neighborhood bakery. Sally Kirkland opens a lingerie shop across the street. George disapproves, until he meets Sally, who instantly becomes the love of his life. When he finally has the "I've fallen in love with someone else" talk with his wife, he gets more than one surprise. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich, this is a very clever romantic comedy, with more than a little pathos. It is reminiscent of an O'Henry short story.

Soir Blue was a little arty even for me. Language of the Heart was a sentimental but unremarkable tribute to the power of love, but Song of Songs is a real unknown gem. There is literally no information to be found on line -- not even 5 votes at IMDB. I rate the whole DVD a C+, but Song of Songs a B.

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  • Sally Kirkland (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    New to DVD and VIDEO


    I have been saying that the best movies in the year 2000 were a few not even nominated for best picture, like Almost Famous and Requiem for a Dream. Add one more to the list, and I flog myself for not having seen this one earlier. The Tao of Steve. How good is it? Listen to this: it's a romantic comedy that I sat all the way through, and didn't fast-forward or feel an urge to throw up. That must be the first one since When Harry Met Sally. Maybe the coolest damned script ever written by a woman. Also directed by a woman, but don't let that turn you off. It isn't slick, but it really is funny, cynical, perceptive, and bullshit-free. Honest. Unfortunately, no nudity, thus keeping it from being perfect.

    I can't believe I sat through The Crow: Salvation. It wasn't all that bad for what it was, but this is not the way I want to pass my golden years. Some T&A, but not really anything great because they're all anonymous bims with robo-hooters, and I had a VHS copy instead of DVD. (DVD is available, if you want to make it your own project)

    • Stripper bims (1, 2)

    But that was a masterpiece compared to Exposure. Let me just whet you appetite with two words: evil twin. Terrible movie, but I think I wrote one of my better reviews.

    • Susan Pari (1, 2)

    A while back... a long while back... I tried to clean up some scans of Laetitia I found on the web. Not a good idea. So I got 'hold of the originals, scanned 'em and spent maybe a week getting those puppies into some sort of shape. Nothing new, mind you, but it is the divine Laetitia.
  • Laetitia (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Then there were the page 3 babes. First off, the ice queen herself: Abigail Toyne. Still active in the explicit posing circuit. She is followed by a real honey by the name of Angela Lea. Gotta love the way this woman looks.

  • Abigail Toyne (1, 2)
  • Angela Lea (1, 2, 3)

    Let's finish up back on the explicit side of things with Andrea Michaelski. Interesting face, terrific body and no inhibitions whatsoever. Damn, is that a trifecta or what? (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Miaou
    Marlène Jobert
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    A variety of topless and frontal images in scenes from "LA Guerre des polices" (1979).

    Vanessa Guedj Topless in a sex scene from "Les Braqueuses" (1994).

    Lisa Herédia Vidcaps from 1992's "Céline". Breast exposure in a bath tub scene as well as a sex scene.

    Some of your late night favorites joining forces in "Sweet Revenge", aka "15 Minutes of Fame". Curiously enough, in the IMDb's reader comments the first entry was written by one of the stars of the movie, Regina Russell. Talk about a shameless plug!

    Regina Russell The bard of soft core baring her boobs, plus a near miss in the bare bum and frontal departments in these sex scenes.

    Kim Dawson More sex = more skin. Great topless exposure, plus a few more near misses down below.

    Shauna O'Brien The Robo-Hooter queen of late night. Another round of sport humping. Mostly plastic breast exposure, plus a bit of pubes.

    Kira Reed The Organic-Hooter queen of late night in two sex scenes.

    and ...
    Nina Moric
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Thanks to PicCap for these scans of a very HOT Italian Babe! The images are from the Italian Max, and are 'near miss' nudes. But don't let that stop you from having a look! This is one sexy brunette. Oh, and #1 has a hint of nipple.

    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    These non-nude 'caps by Akira are from "back in the day", long before she became J-Lo. (I wonder if she'll hook up with Puff Daddy again, now that he's been acquitted?)

    She was still just plain ol' Jennifer Lopez when she co-starred with George Clooney in the very cool movie, "Out of Sight". I agree with Scoop all the way on this one. It's a well told, sexy, and fun movie. Click here for Scoop's review.

    Claire Forlani New to me 'caps of breast exposure from the movie "Into My Heart".

    Jayne Brook Topless in the shower, also from "Into My Heart".

    Charlotte Ross Mega-cleavage from "NYPD Blue". Thanks to DAI.

    Colleen Fitzpatrick (aka Vitamin C) Excellent desktop wallpaper of the pop singer wearing a very see-thru top.

    The Funnies by Number 6
    The First Affair
    There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

    "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

    Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

    The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

    The Second Affair
    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had seen!

    "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

    The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

    "I have something to show you that you won't believe," and he opened his briefcase.

    "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

    The Third Affair
    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

    "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue " she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us.

    No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

    "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

    The Fourth Affair
    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

    "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1` cent."

    "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy,

    the barman replied, "Yes."

    So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice, juicy T-bone steak, with chips and peas and a fried egg?"

    "Certainly sir," replies the bartender "And that will be all of 4 cents."

    "FOUR CENTS!" exclaims the guy, "Where's the fellow who owns this place?"

    The bartender replied, "Upstairs with my wife."

    The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

    The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

    The Fifth Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candle- light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "My darling Becky," he whispered.

    "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

    He was insistent. "Becky, I, I have something I must confess to you."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I...slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

    "I know, Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you

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