The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue " she
replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us.
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two
in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1` cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy,
the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice, juicy T-bone steak, with chips and peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender "And that will be all of 4 cents."
"FOUR CENTS!" exclaims the guy, "Where's the fellow who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candle- light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky, I, I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I...slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you