3 Blind Mice (2003):

London. A guy witnesses a live murder on a web cam. He tries to call the police, but during the call he realizes that he has no idea who the victim really is, or where she lives, so his call has been futile. He hangs up without identifying himself. The police trace those Emergency calls, of course, and show up at his house, since he is either their only witness or a suspect.

This idea might have germinated a great movie. This is not that movie. In fact, this is so far from being that movie that it is difficult to find anything positive to say about it.

  • The cinematography seems to have been done by the same guy who did the Rob Lowe sex tape. Half of it is dark and indecipherable. The other half consists of screen grabs of grainy web cams.
  • The story line is about as coherent as in the film the stowaways made on Gilligan's Island. The stowaways, however, did a better job of editing.
  • The action scenes are bungled. Characters fall out of frame; dialogue is garbled; bullets hit body parts in close-up so that the identity of the victim can't be determined; a large, violent, armed man has difficulty escaping from an unarmed Edward Furlong.
  • The technology pictured in the film does not exist. The magic cam, which can follow characters no matter where they go, is the same imaginary technology George Burns used to watch Connie Stevens on "Wendy and Me." People watch other people from a 45 degree overhead angle no matter where they go. If a character walks along a Paris boulevard, somebody will be watching him on a web cam just ahead of him and just above his head, as if he had stayed in his apartment. One must wonder where, exactly, that camera is positioned. Maybe on a satellite with a really good zoom lens. That's only one example of the technological misconceptions. The characters have dial-up connections, for example, that work about a thousand times faster than broadband. They connect to fully-loaded web sites as quickly as you and I can get a new channel with the TV remote. Wireless web cams are placed just about everywhere in London, and they all run on super-batteries with an infinite life.
  • The characters have to behave stupidly in service of the illogical plot. Edward Furlong in London at the time the woman was being murdered in Amsterdam. The police can determine he was on his desktop PC at the time, because they confiscated his hard drive and can monitor many of his activities during the previous night, just as they could from your hard drive or mine. The computer keeps track of when e-mails are sent, when files are saved or deleted, and so forth. Even streaming video would leave records in temporary files. Because the police always accuse the protagonist in plots like this, thus requiring him to prove his innocence, the police accuse him of the logistically impossible murder, and want to hold him until a sympathetic female cyber-detective has "a gut feeling" that he's innocent. The saddest part is that the coppers really believe that he did it! This might have made for a compelling (if clichéd) plot line - IF he hadn't left a trail of evidence so obvious that any fairly technical eighth grader could easily have determined that he really was at his desk in London, just from his hard drive alone.
  • The continuity is non-existent. One e-mail message says: "She knows that man I met in the Jaguar." When the character reads it in close-up, it says, "She knows that man I met in the Rolls."
  • The acting is below the level of a decent summer stock company. Apparently they could not find an American actor to play Furlong's brother, so they cast a Londoner who does the worst American accent since Monty Python's Graham Chapman. (And Chapman was doing it poorly on purpose, for comic effect.) The brother sounds like a Bulgarian who learned how to speak English in a lower-class Dublin neighborhood. I was wondering how such a thing could have happened in a professional film until I noticed that the director was French. Obviously he couldn't hear the problem, any more than I would know whether a German speaker was really Bavarian or a man from Saxony mocking a Bavarian accent.
  • Because of the editing, technical, scripting, acting, and continuity errors, the audience is left dumbfounded by the plot in general, but that level of confusion wasn't quite high enough for the film's creators. After every situation seems to have been resolved, or at least to the best of our ability to comprehend the labyrinthine goings-on, the script tacks on two more of those "endings after the ending" with additional plot twists which are even more anfractuous than the main plot, and which are left unresolved and unexplained as the credits roll.
  • The Region 1 DVD has a full screen transfer of the film. Period.

In other words, you don't want to watch this DVD. You don't even want to watch it for Emilia Fox's nudity, which is spoiled by the cinematography because it's either too dark or pictured on a web-cam enlargement.

F.  Utter rubbish, as they say in the U.K. Not a single redeeming element. (Although Emilia's nudity would be excellent if it were shown properly.)

It is rated a dismal, but still incomprehensibly high, 4.3 at IMDb. I would have expected it to be around 3.0, based on films of similar quality. It's not quite bad enough to join the exclusive neighborhood of the all-time Bottom 100, but resides in an apartment close enough to use their school system.

Emilia Fox





Third party videos:

That Virginia Madsen is one sexy woman! Here is a great non-nude (but very close) sequence from a forgotten TV movie called A Murderous Affair: The Carolyn Warmus Story. Zipped .avi here, capture follows:

Virginia Madsen


TV star Charisma Carpenter got nekkid earlier this year for a TV movie called Flirting with Danger. She kept her massive cans covered, but she showed off a very impressive and firm tushy. Here's two .avis zipped together. Two sample captures are below:

Charisma Carpenter

We saw Hilary Swank in The Black Dahlia the other day. Here's the rest of the nudity from the new De Palma film. (Movie House Review). The blonde is Jemma Rooper. The brunette, of course, is Mia Kirshner, who is no stranger to this page. Here is the (zipped .avi), the captures follow:

Jemma Rooper Mia Kirshner


Elizabeth McGovern in an episode of Women and Men (zipped .avi). It's a VHS clip of limited quality, but it is definitely, as Borat would say, "N-i-i-i-ce!"


This is the first time I've seen the actual film clip of Fairuza Balk in Tollbooth. She came up with some serious craziness in this film. (Zipped .avi) This is a VHS clip. So far as I know, the film has never been issued on DVD.


I really liked Kiss the Sky (Movie House Review), a drama about ex-radical baby boomers longing for their youthful idealism. Tuna, and pretty much everyone else, disliked it. Nobody disliked Sheryl Lee's nudity. (Five .avis zipped together)




Paperback Cover Artwork Collection: "Covers of paperbacks published from the early 1960s into the mid-1970s "

Weekend Box Office Results for September 22–24: The jackasses save the day.

  • Jackass Two took in a very solid $28 million. You can assume that there will be many more sequels to Jackass if these guys can manage to stay alive, because this one will gross $70-90 million and the production budget was only about $11-12 million. Compare that to Flyboys, which will gross about $20 million from a $60 million budget, or All The King's Men, which won't gross enough to buy a toaster.
  • The weekend was still down 7% versus last year, but that's only because last year was an exceptionally lively week. This week was actually up 30% from last weekend, which is undoubtedly quite gratifying for worried studio execs.

Rice surprises FSU by showing up for a second straight game

  • After their disappointing 52-7 loss to Texas, the Owls turned it up a notch and lost 55-7 to the Seminoles.
  • How did they avoid putting Ohio State on their schedule?

Zambrano does it again - another win, another homer

  • He's the first National Leaguer to hit homers in five of his own wins since Don Drysdale in 1965
  • With a 16-6 record for a bad team, and weighing in at 255 pounds, he's a bona fide candidate for two major pitching awards: the Cy Young award, which is given to the best pitcher, and the Jumbo Brown award, which is given to the largest.
  • Jumbo, a journeyman reliever who played most of his career in the 30s, was 6'4", 295, and was the heaviest man ever to play in the majors until the Orioles fielded a 322 pounder named Walter Young last year. However, it must be noted that Cecil Fielder is listed at 240. Cecil's son Prince is three inches shorter and admits to 265. I'm guessing that the old man was up to three bills before he finally retired.




Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in Eight Legs to Love You (1998)

Mari-Cookie takes place in Malaga, Spain, although we must go back 200 years for the start of the story. A pregnant woman is brutally raped by a soldier, and, while she is lying there, exhausted and still spread-legged, a tarantula finds a great warm, moist place to lay eggs. Cut to present day, and someone is abducting young men and women. A female cop (Michelle Bauer), who interrogates witnesses with advanced lesbotronic techniques, suspects "The Tarantula," although she doesn't know who that is. Society woman Linnea Quigley is no help, nor is Mari-Cookie, played by Lena Romay. We know that Lena is also a club owner and also performs as "Tarantula." (This is a farce, and was clearly intended to be so.) Eventually, with an assist from Quigley's horny daughter (Amber Newman), they all discover the truth.

Lena, the director's girlfriend and then at least 44 years old, plays a dual role and gets the lion's share of the screen time as well as the nudity. Mavi Tiendo serves as a victim. Analia Ivars dances in another club and her character shares the cop's sexual tendencies. Many of you have already already guessed that we are in Jess Franco territory. Many people claim to love making movies. With Jess, it is literally his life. The thing is, it is only important to Jess that he is making a movie. He is not concerned about public acceptance, and only moderately concerned about whether or not it is any good, although he is capable of excellent achievements and has pioneered some effects. 

IMDb readers say 3.4. I would imagine they found it stupid and pointless with a throw-away plot and bad dubbing. If they are going to let little things like that bother them, they have no business watching a Jess Franco film. Although this film is not one of those his excellent achievements I mentioned, Franco still manages to create some entertainment. He gets a lot of women undressed and he and his band even provide the sound track. If you are looking for plot, pace, symbolism and the like, look elsewhere. If you want to  laugh a lot at mature naked women in ridiculous situations, give this one a try.

The genre is nudie comedies, and this is a C.

Linnea Quigley stays dressed in the film, but makes up for it in her all-nude commentary featurette!



Michelle Bauer

Amber Newman

Analia Ivars

Lena Romay

Mavi Tienda


Linnea Quigley in the special features










Here's a sweet little collage from RokWatch of Mia Sara in Undertow


Before Sophia Myles did her nude scene in Art School Confidential, she offered a brief nipple-flash in Colditz

Many people think this topless picture is Christina Ricci. The rest of the pictures explain why.

Here's one of those former Spice Girls in a kinda sorta see-through. Amazingly, appearances notwithstanding, this is NOT the one known as Scary Spice. I think this one is Posh Spice, and she's now married to soccer superstar Beckham.

OK, I grant you that Serena Grandi should have spent some time in the gym instead of hanging around the all-the-pasta-you-can-eat buffet at the local trattoria. But those are some gazongas on 'er. The film is Miranda, another Tinto Brass classic.