Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
- Here is the complete Rosario Dawson nude scene in the original
theatrical version. It is 3:21 long, includes the original
dialogue, and is about a 13 meg download. (Zipped
- Here is the version on the "director's cut." It is about 2:05
long, includes Oliver Stone's commentary, and is about a 15 meg
Legion of the Dead (2005)
I think I can
state without any equivocation that this version is the best of
all the Legion of the Dead films in this millennium, even though this
marks the second time in four years that I've reviewed a film with
this title! Of course, it would
have been nearly impossible to make a worse movie than
the 2000 film which bears this moniker.
That earlier film is burdened by incompetence, failed humor, and
pretension - a lethal combo. The newer film is just another goofy
grade-B film, billed as follows: "When
the mummified remains of an evil Egyptian queen are brought back to
life, she resurrects an army of living dead to help fulfill the
prophecy that promises her all the powers of the Underworld."
It's not exactly what you're expecting. Erase those
visions of pyramids from your mind.
Their budget limitations didn't really permit them
to set up some filming in Egypt or, for that matter, in any location
designed to pass for Egypt. The archeologists in this film found the
ancient Egyptian tomb in Whittier, California. This would make the
evil queen the second most evil being to come out of Whittier, which
was once home to Richard M. Nixon. At any rate, the Senior
Egyptologist is absolutely convinced that the tomb is authentic,
because "preliminary electro-carbon analysis dates the tomb at 2654
B.C." He does not merely claim something indefinite like "some
twenty centuries before Christ", but he can pinpoint it to March
21st, 2654 B.C., at 11:03 A.M., Pacific Time. Or maybe it was 10:03.
Scientists have made incredible progress with those electro-carbon
dating thingies, but are still not sure whether the ancient
California Egyptians used daylight savings time.
Rather than being surprised by the
apparently illogical existence of an Egyptian tomb in a California
forest, the Egyptologist explains that it is a positive confirmation
of his theory that the Egyptians had developed "trans-Atlantic trade
routes" because "there are just too many similarities between the
Egyptians and the Incas." He doesn't seem to be worried that both
California and Peru are on the Pacific Ocean. Let's face it, if
those Egyptians could mummify bodies in ways that still defy modern
science, they could easily sail around Cape Horn.
One of the mummies in the tomb seems
to be a queen, and ... well, I suppose you can figure out the rest.
There are two things worth noting the rest of the way:
1) When the evil queen comes to life,
she rips off her wrapping, is naked underneath, and stays naked for
much of the movie.
2) The evil queen seems to be
speaking an unknown language, but this presents no problem. A nearby
female grad student addresses her in several high school language
phrases: "Parlez vous Francais, mon petite momie?", "Koennen Sie
Deutsch, frau Mumie, und haben Sie Ihre Papiere, bitte?" Finally,
the grad student tries some indecipherable babble and the mummy
responds in some comparable gibberish, and the two gals commence to
dishing the dirt like college sophomores coming back to school from
summer in the Hamptons. I mean they're high-fivin', and callin' each
other "girlfriend," and swapping tips on contraception. The grad student says to her professor,
"This is unbelievable! She is speaking a language which has been
dead for 3000 years." I was thinking to myself, "That's not so
unbelievable. In fact I kinda expected it from a woman who died on
March 21, 2654 B.C. What I didn't expect is a grad student who knows
how to pronounce the words in that language."
The DVD box proudly announces this as
"a Paul Bales film," as if that were a major key to pumping up the
sales. I pictured the legions of the living, the genre fans who just
can't get their fill of Balesmania, all of them about to by-pass
this title at Blockbuster until the name "Paul Bales" catches their
eyes. "A Paul Bales film? Wow. You bet I'll rent it!" As it turns
out, my theory seems to have been a bit cockeyed, since this is the
only Paul Bales film, so I think I may have been wrong about the
army of Bales addicts renting this title because of the powerful
allure of the hypnotic Bales name.
As it turns out, another name on the
box did catch my eye. Bruce Boxleitner - ol' Tron himself, and a
regular on Bab 5 - appears as a local sheriff. I can't say he'll be
bragging about this addition to his resumé, but he did provide a
sort of calming, credible presence in this otherwise inexperienced
Oh, let's face it, this isn't a
classic movie, but I enjoyed the naked mummy, I laughed at the
silliness of it all, and I liked some of the minor characters, like
the two stoners who discovered the tomb, so you might get some
entertainment out of this flick. The film doesn't take itself
seriously, and I genuinely enjoyed watching the thirteen minute
featurette about making the movie. The people who worked on the film
all seemed to be unpretentious young people having a good time in a
silly movie. If you belong to my imaginary army of Paul Bales fans,
you can even settle back and listen to his full-length commentary.
And the film itself is presented in a pretty decent widescreen
anamorphic rendering! That's a lot of features for a small film.
The Tulse Luper Suitcases: Part 1 (2003)
I will talk about this complicated project at another time. (When completed,
it will include books, CDs, 92 DVDs, and god knows what else, and you can safely
speculate that every single one of them will be dense.) It's Peter Greenaway's
attempt to summarize and comment on the 20th century by creating his own
alternate version of it.
The important point for now is the nudity from Caroline Dhavernas, the cute
Canadian actress who came "this close" to being a star, when her series (Wonderfalls)
was a major critical smash. Unfortunately, all that love did not translate to
ratings, and Caroline is still unknown.
Although she is now 27 years old, she looks younger and specializes in
playing ingenue parts. I'll tell you this - she is certainly not afraid of
nudity. She is either topless or stark naked in scene after scene of this ... er
... movie, and she looks great. Natural breasts, soft femininity, unshaved
pubes, no tattoos. My God, I almost didn't recognize it - I believe this
phenomenon is known as a real naked women. Since Winslet seems to have stopped
flashing, I had about despaired of ever seeing one on screen again!
Words and pictures from Hankster.
Today is a grab bag of assorted caps from several movies.
|Dragon offers Marie Gillain in
Tout le plaisir est pour Moi
|This pic of Laura Prepon is not
new, but I've never been convinced it is genuine. The Fake Detective says it
|Some new Scanman caps of Katherine
Kelly Lang in The Corporation
|I suppose if David Letterman did the Top 10 Least Requested
Nude Scenes, Tyne Daly would be pretty high on
the list. Here she is in The Adulteress, and she looks fine, but the
film is one that often appears on Worst Ever lists.
Pat Reeder - The Comedy Wire
Pat's Comments in yellow:
JEN SPEAKS OUT ON BRAD
With Friends Like Her... - In her first post-break-up interview, Jennifer
Aniston told Vanity Fair that she's doing okay but was shocked and hurt when
Brad Pitt posed with Angelina Jolie for intimate photos that portrayed them as a
couple with kids. She said Pitt is "missing a sensitivity chip." She also
revealed that he once brought Jolie to the set of "Friends," and Jen told her,
"Brad is so excited about working with you. I hope you guys have a really good
* So Brad was just trying to fulfill her hopes! What a
Jennifer said she does hope to be married and have kids within five years,
saying, "There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the
father of my children."
* Unfortunately, he's wandering the street outside
Angelina Jolie's house.
KIM JONG-IL: GREATEST GUY EVER!
According to an article posted Tuesday on an official North Korean website,
dictator Kim Jong-Il starts each day with intensive memory training, and he
knows the computer codes and phone numbers of all North Korean workers. He also
visited a cemetery, glanced once at the tombstones, and memorized all the
information on them. But this isn't so amazing compared to his other
accomplishments: flying jet fighters, producing movies, composing operas and
shooting 11 holes-in-one in his first-ever golf game.
* And of course, writing all the articles that appear on
North Korean websites.
* Actually, it was 18 holes-in-one, but he didn't want to brag.
* He remembered all the tombstones because he'd personally killed everybody
* It's also not so amazing when you consider that only three North Koreans have
phones or computers...or jobs.
U.S. SOLDIER BUYS SADDAM'S CAR
First Sergeant William von Zehle of Danbury, Connecticut, has the ultimate
pimped-out ride. While in Baghdad, he paid $5,000 for an armored Mercedes 560.
Only three were sold to the Iraqi government in 1988, which means he has Saddam
Hussein's car. He shipped it home where it's in the garage awaiting some work.
But he got a great deal: the bulletproof glass alone cost over $14,000, and it
flame-throwers mounted on the sides for "crowd control."
* Or as Saddam called it, "entertainment."
* Those'll really come in handy during traffic jams...And I bet he'll get much
better service now from carhops.
* It's like the Batmobile, if Batman really were bats.
"PENIS" PLAY A HIT
Israeli playwright Rafael Milo-Amar has scored a hit in Jerusalem with his
one-man show that's a response to "The Vagina Monologues." It's called "The
Holy Phallus." Milo-Amar said Eve Ensler said "there was nothing to say about
the penis. I told myself, 'I have something to tell her about the penis.'" It
was hard to cast until he found bald actor Yuval Cohen, who dresses as a big
penis and expounds on
passion, loneliness, rape, handicaps and homosexuality. Cohen told the
Jerusalem Post, "At the end of shows people come and tell me, 'Wow what a great
penis you are.' I take that as a compliment now."
* It's not like when they used to say that, before he got
into this show.
* It's kind of a dull show: the penis gets all excited, spouts off for two
minutes, then goes to sleep for three hours.
NEW HOTEL BOASTS TINIEST ROOMS IN EUROPE
Inspired by budget Japanese hotel rooms, the founder of EasyJet has opened the
first easyHotel in London. It brags that it has the smallest rooms in Europe.
They have no windows, and the Guardian newspaper measured the smallest room at
49 square feet, plus a bath "pod" with a shower, sink and toilet jammed into
just 14 square feet. But a nearby hotel owner who was concerned about the
competition was surprised to learn the tiny, no-frills rooms will cost about $60
(US) a night. He offers rooms with satellite TV, breakfast and windows for
* Yeah, but at easyHotel, that's $60 for double
PAYING FINE IN PENNIES BACKFIRES
The Fargo, North Dakota, Forum reports that Robert John Zukowski was angry about
getting a $120 traffic ticket, so to make a statement, he brought a bag of
12,000 pennies to court to pay it. But the judge said he shouldn't take out his
anger at the cop on court workers and ordered him to stay in court until they
were all counted. On the plus side, he'd overpaid and got a few pennies back.
* On the minus side, his meter had long since run out,
and now he owes a huge parking fine.
WASHING MACHINE SCULPTURE SPARKS RELIGIOUS FIGHT
Artist Grant Alma Wolsey is accusing Provo, Utah, of religious persecution for
ordering him to dismantle his 20-foot-tall T-shaped stack of fused yellow Maytag
washing machines. He says it stands for the Christian Trinity - God the father,
the son and the mother. The city says only four small bolts hold it to the
ground, and a stiff wind could bring it down on someone's head. Wolsey laid it
on its side but won't dismantle it. He says the city desecrated his tribute to
"heavenly mother;" he and his friends have gathered around it to light candles,
sing hymns, pray and mourn.
* And be cleansed of their sins.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S LETHAL STUPIDITY
Jessica Simpson told David Letterman that while filming the "Dukes Of Hazzard"
movie, she mistook a guy on the set for a stunt man and tried to smash a pool
cue over his head. She said, "I was like: 'Oh gosh, this is the last shot! I
have to break it!' so I ended up, like, losing my mind. I just started
attacking him and he had welts all over his back...It finally broke. I kept
hitting him until it did."
* And now, Willie Nelson refuses to speak to her.
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Mike Tyson, porn star?
Here's a scene you may have missed in Goodfellas
Katherine Harris Asserts That Newspapers Doctored Photos
to Distort Her Makeup
- I take comfort in living in a country in which
newspaper staffers have nothing better to do with
John Bolton Recess Appointment: President Unilaterally
Installs Ambassador John Bolton to Kick Off Diplomatic
New Era of United Nations Castration - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Weekly World News picks the WORLD'S MOST BIZARRE SEXUAL
'Teen People' selects the young and the powerful in
Hollywood. Ashton Kutcher tops the list.
Corpse Walks Away During Drama on Live TV. Contrary
to the rumor, it was not Peter Lorre, and the show was
not Casino Royale, but it occurred on the same anthology
series, albeit two weeks earlier, and to a bit player
named Tristam Coffin (!!)
The Smoking Gun has
Jimi's Army file
Radio jock Howard Stern in TV pact with In Demand, Satan.
"In Demand Network on Wednesday said it has a three-year
exclusive deal to begin airing a televised version of
popular shock jock Howard Stern's ribald radio show on
one of its video-on-demand channels starting later this
Who would have thought this fifteen years ago?
Fat asses are chic!
The David Hasselhoff Compendium! Games, posters,
parodies, and all things Hasselhoff.
"I'm Dave Chappelle, and I love internet porn."
"Stiller and Wilson returning for Zoolander 2"
The new Hootie and the Blowfish album is streaming free
online. Hey, I know, but the price is good.
Martha Stewart nabbed in daring jailbreak! As we
speak, Oliver Stone is capturing the story in the script
for Natural Born Killers 2. (She attended a yoga class
while she was supposed to be on home confinement.)
Air quality officials in the San Joaquin Valley are
blaming cow farts for the worst smog levels in the
Conan demonstrates how Palmeiro may have taken steroids
The trailer for A Good Woman, "an elegant and witty
romantic comedy based on Oscar Wilde's classic play,
Lady Windermere's Fan." It stars Scarlett Johansson,
Helen Hunt, and Tom Wilkinson.
Oldest known Bible to go online as soon as Cher
learns how to use a scanner. You don't believe that the
Bible was written by God? Cher has an autographed copy!
pen tricks (nifty pencil tricks) - video
DVD PLAYER ONBOARD SHUTTLE FAILS .... Astronauts
Notice Flaw During Ocean's Eleven
Suggestion of the Day: Don't Marry Baretta. Evidence
in his civil trial shows that he also sought to have his
first wife murdered.
"Bush turned the spotlight Bolton's positive
characteristics. For example, he was born of humans."
"Senator Joe Biden tells Jon Stewart about some of the
ker-azy things that happen when the Senate goes on
"The Daily Show's Senior World-Government Correspondent
Rob Corddry reports amid the boos at the U.N."
Gallup Election 2008:
McCain and Giuliani about even, both would beat
Hillary 50-45 if election held today.
Erotic mind control hypnosis!
Cast memnber says:
"Chappelle's Show is over, man. Done"
Scientists for the first time have cloned a dog.
(With picture of the dog and his clone.)
Back to school special:
What's the origin of "sophomore"?
Reebok-Adidas merger a blockbuster
Boy Scout Jamboree: President Bush's Remarks to
Surviving Attendees of Annual Boy Scout Paramilitary
Jesus Jamboree & Super Sausage Hang - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Urban Legend: A private citizen paid over $100,000 to
run a full-page ad in the Washington Post defining
himself and his Republican values. --- Status: TRUE
Scuze me while I kiss this guy ...
Jimi Hendrix played gay to get out of the Army
Robert Rodriquez discusses "Grind House", his joint
project with Tarantino
"the script for Indiana Jones 4 has been approved by
Lucas, Spielberg, and Harrison Ford"
The Top Ten Movie Geeks
It's never too early to start thinking about
If you stick flashlights under or on the sides of your
saline implants they don't exactly glow but they do
light up and cast an eerie glow like The Great Pumpkin.
Melinda of Real World sorta naked kinda
The trailer for The Business
- "The Business,' directed by 'The Football Factory'
helmer Nick Love is a story of passion, crime and
friendships tested to the limit. Set in the Thatcher
era with the cool sounds of the 80's, 'The Business'
is an action packed gangster flick set in Spain's sun
drenched costa del crime. Frankie (Danny Dyer), is on
the run from the high-rise's of South London to a new
life in Malaga with nothing but a tin stuffed full of
cash. Having no idea that this delivery of cash to
super-suave playboy and ex-con, Charlie (Tamer Hassan),
will change his life forever, he soon becomes one of
the gang, and finds himself drawn into a flamboyant
and violent world of organised crime."
The trailer and a clip from Don't Come Knocking
- Looks like arthouse stuff. Wim Wenders directed
from a Sam Shepherd script. The cast is : Jessica
Lange, Sam Shepard, Tim Roth, Sarah Polley, Fairuza
Balk, Eva Marie Saint.
- "During production on his latest movie, an aging
cowboy star (Sam Shepard) walks away from the set and
heads out on a journey of self-discovery."
- And I think we all know how painful that can be.
Thirteen clips from The Dukes of Hazzard
Why is nobody going to 'Murderball'?
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Questions Snopes cannot
This is for real:
Soon to be published: Marlon Brando's novel about an
After filing bankruptcy, ATKINS INTRODUCES LOW-CASH DIET
... Free Ketchup, Mustard Packets Dominate New
Eminem has a list of demands for his upcoming tour in
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is firstname.lastname@example.org
|A quick site note
Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!