Cable Round-Up

  • No nudity on Californication this week.
  • There was a little bit of action in Crash, s2,e10. Here's Ellen Woglom in HD and Tania Raymonde as well. (Videos by Deep at Sea)



Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, New Orleans


Let's assume that you hated all those high-falutin' moral conundrums and ethical choices which faced Harvey Keitel in the original version of Bad Lieutenant, making the film a real downer. You just wanted the film to be a fun, over-the-top entertainment film about a blatantly bad cop and his relationship with his superiors, his bookie, his hooker girlfriend, the mob, the local drug lords, and the people he's supposed to protect. Well, I have the film for you: the new improved Nic Cage version of Bad Lieutenant, or BL as I like to call him.

Director Werner Herzog took this film in some strange directions. Stylistically, he chose to film some of it from the POV of an omniscient, objective camera eye and some of it from the POV of a total crackhead, and he did not choose to be very clear about exactly when he was making the transition from one to another. That is to say that the viewer often really doesn't know what's real and what is a product of BL's drug-induced hallucinations. The film's eccentricity doesn't stop with its offbeat narrative style (including a Letterman-style Gator Cam). The plot and tone shifts are equally outlandish. About twenty minutes before the end of the film, BL's problems seem to be inescapable. The mob wants him dead. The internal affairs guys are closing in on him. He gets caught browbeating a congressman's granny. His bookie is about to turn him over to the usual rough collection process. The All-American who is supposed to shave points for him is held out of a key game. His girlfriend is close to death from her heroin addiction. He has bungled a key investigation. And then, miraculously, all of those crises are resolved in the most favorable ways possible, and he gets promoted to Bad Captain!

Does he learn from his good fortune? Think about it. Do we ever really learn a lesson when we fuck everything up but luck out with a positive result? Not very often. Most of the time, we just think we have everything under control, or are charmed, or are earning positive results with our own sterling efforts. Since those efforts produced favorable results in the past, we are more likely to repeat them than to change our ways. In this regard, BL is a lot like the rest of us, or at least like what we would be if we were played by Nic Cage.

Is this entire film actually a parody of the original Bad Lieutenant, or of "bad cop" movies in general? Beats me. I do know that it's an oddly appealing film. Werner Herzog goes Tarantino on us, with surprisingly watchable results. It's like watching Shaq play volleyball in that "Shaq Vs." show. It's not always very good, and it can look really awkward, but it's utterly unpredictable and usually fun to watch.




American Pie 7: Book of Love


American Pie SEVEN? Where did that decade go?

This episode takes the venerable series back to its roots. As in the original film, another group of high schoolers discovers the legendary "bible" of make-out secrets hidden under the floorboards in the library.

Some continuity is established, at least in a perfunctory manner, with the previous films. There's yet another member of the Stifler family on the scene, and the famous eyebrows of Eugene Levy are back again. Levy is the only performer to appear in all seven of the films, playing the same character each time.

The film provides the reliable quota of laughs, nudity, and sentiment for fans of the series, and is actually a better film than some of the previous entries in the line. The writers have this formula down pretty well by now, so Book of Love hits its paces fairly well in its familiar blend. Breasts, raunchy sex gags, internet sex tapes, and gross exchanges of bodily fluids combine awkwardly with charmingly sentimental looks at teen love. Usual deal. Nice guys get the girls. A Stifler gets humiliated. Of course, it wasn't easy to top the previous Stifler humiliations, but they managed to reach a new nadir of tastelessness. This particular Stifler ends up being anally raped by a gigantic moose. On camera.

All in good fun, of course.

An enjoyable new series feature is a host of cameos from the youthploitation films and shows of days gone by. It's practically an encyclopedia of famous fictional students. There's Screech, Otter, Booger, Ponyboy, Damone and others, plus Kevin Federline and George Jefferson! Here is the section of the closing credits which pictures all of the cameos. (There's no nudity- not even any women, but it has some of the most enjoyable moments in the film.)

The female nudity is copious, but consists mostly of breasts in quick flashes, except for some party revelers who run quickly past the camera at a soiree, and a naked woman who gets puked upon. Compensating for the lack of explicitness is the fact that two of the three lead actresses take off their tops. That's always so much nicer than when the nudity consists solely of anonymous bodies.




  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










Marilyn Chambers film clips

samples below

Scoop's notes:

The victim of a motorcycle crash is turned into a rabid man-eating monster by bad skin graft surgery.

I didn't know that reconstructive surgery could have this effect.

But it sure explains a lot about Madonna.

In addition to whatever biting she does with her mouth, the rabid woman also has a vagina in her armpit, and inside the vagina is a penis which emerges to penetrate the victims.

Where exactly did they graft that skin from?

Anyway, she bites some people and makes them rabid. They then bite some other people, and so on. The Canadian authorities find a way to inoculate against the madness, but there is no hope for the previously infected man-eating monsters. The health authorities report that those already contaminated must be killed and their bodies must be disposed of. To comply, the police start driving around in armored garbage trucks. Some of the police act as snipers on the roof of the trucks, while the other guys serve as the disposal crew, wearing those white anti-contamination suits which make them look like Tony Manero trying to disco on the moon.

This film has to be a big disappointment for lovers of screen nudity. I mean, the star is porno queen Marilyn Chambers, and she keeps her clothes on most of the time. Even when she strips, she never shows anything but her breasts. If Marilyn Frigging Chambers stays dressed, what is the world coming to?

This film was Marilyn's big chance, the road out of porn and into real movies. As it turns out, it was about as obscene in its way as her porn films, and had about as big an audience, so Marilyn's hopes were dashed. 

I met Marilyn Chambers once, at a magazine convention in Florida in the early 80's. It wasn't a pleasant meeting. I wasn't bothering her or anything, but I went over to introduce myself at happy hour, just to be polite (we were both guest speakers at the convention). For whatever reason, she didn't even say "hi, nice ta meecha". I guess I could understand if she just avoided me. I mean she wouldn't have been the first woman to do so, or the last. But she avoided everyone, male and female. The person you see on screen in Rabid is the woman I ran into. The aloofness and apparent lack of warmth that I saw from her that day also came through in this performance.

The hosts of that convention laid out a beautiful party in the evening, and the guest speakers mingled with the publishers. Except Marilyn. She wandered off to her own outside table, far from the bar, where she sat huddled for hours with the other woman who accompanied her to the convention. Their heads stayed close and their postures were intimate enough that my associates and I expected them to kiss one another, although they never did.

The brave director who took a chance on Marilyn Chambers was the odd Canadian auteur David Cronenberg, who wrote and directed. Cronenberg's scores are in a narrow predictable band at IMDb. He has his enthusiastic cult following, and then there are people who find his movies totally repulsive, so he always ends up far from either the top or bottom because of the pull of these opposing poles toward the center. His scores are all within the narrow band of 5.5 to 7.1, and that is the range from Crash (low) to Dead Zone (high).

To illustrate my point, the score most often given to Crash is 1/10. The second most common score is 10/10. So people love him or hate him.

Crash (his lowest rated movie at IMDB) got perfect tens from one out of every seven voters, but Dead Zone (his highest rated at IMDB) got perfect scores only once in ten. And I understand that completely. I think you could make equal cases for Crash being his best movie or his worst. Dead Zone does best at IMDb because it is his most human and accessible film, and it even has a sensitive character with whom we can sympathize. But I suspect that Cronenberg's hardcore fans like that one the least.

This movie is gross and outrÚ, characteristic of Cronenberg films. While it is odd, and occasionally packs some shock value, I thought it was pretty darned boring and flat. The only real surprise was the very first time that Marilyn attacked someone with the dreaded armpit twat-cum-dick. After that, it was the usual trite dialogue and predictable events, and Cronenberg's usual paranoia about the misuse of science and authority.

I wonder if he ever considered working with Oliver Stone.

Two thumbs down from me an Tuna, although genre nuts and David Cronenberg aficionados seem to like this film.



Orlaith McAllister

Marloes Horst

Davina Joy in reborn



Finally, Samantha Phillips in a gazillion episodes of Hot Springs Hotel




Girls in the Band


Travels with Travis


DVD special features




Film Clips

 The women of Wielki Szu: Grazyna Szapolowska and Elzbieta Panas

Sara Rue in Gypsy 83. What a chest!

Stacey Travis in The Only Thrill. Her nudity is far from the camera, but Seinfeld fans may remember her from the "mutton in the napkin" episode.

Robyn Sydney in Skull Heads  (sample right)

Jessica Schwarz in Kammerflimmern (sample right)

Lara Joy Koerner in Utta Danella (sample right)

Lisa Grossman in Models (sample right)

Vivian Bartsch and Tanja Petrovsky in Models (sample right)

Tanja Wedhorn in Meine wunderbare Familie in Costa Rica (sample right)