"Immortal Beloved"

Immortal Beloved (1994) is a costumed drama based on one of the great mysteries of Beethoven. He willed everything to his "Immortal Beloved," but never named her. I this story, his secretary, Schindler, tries to learn the identity of the mystery woman. The theory in the movie of her identity is as good a guess as any. They basically choose the music, and paced each scene to match the music. Many of the details of Beethoven's life were completely accurate.

Beethoven was accurately presented, not as a noble hero and genius, but as the hateful man many found him to be, with a genius for stealing simple melodies, and turning them into symphonies. The genius of this film was in basing it on the mystery of the Immortal Beloved, making it a far better story than Amadeus. However, much of this film is rather dark, whereas Amadeus has much more humor and lightness in the first act.

The film is beautifully shot, and the Prague settings are incredible. The acting was top notch, and a great deal of attention was paid to period detail in mores and costuming. We have breast exposure from Valeria Golino and Geno Lechner, and breasts and bush from Johanna ter Steege. Gary Oldman, who played Beethoven, was correctly finger the piano, although his playing was not on the soundtrack. The director's aim in making the film was to show a younger generation that people weren't stuffy then, and that the music is very personal and accessible.

IMDb readers have it at 7.0 of 10. While Amadeus is a much more entertaining film, and deserved all of the recognition it got, Immortal Beloved is easily the second best classical composer biopic ever filmed. Ebert awarded 3 1/2 stars, but Berardinelli would have preferred a straight biography, and only awarded 2 1/2 stars. Many Beethoven biographers argued that the film was bad history. I don't have a problem with the liberties taken in the script. It portrayed the spirit and personality of Beethoven, and managed to frame it in a pretty good whodunit. This is a B-.

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  • Geno Lechner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Johanna ter Steege (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
  • Valeria Golino (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    Twisted (2004)


    Twisted may have been my biggest disappointment of 2004. It looked good on paper. Philip Kaufman, Samuel Jackson, $50 million dollar budget.

    It was directed by Philip Kaufman, and I always find his films interesting. Look at the list of his previous five films:

    There is a common thread there. None of the films is predictable. They are all intelligent films. They are all daring for studio films.

    So how does Twisted fit in?

    It doesn't. It is a mundane, typical Hollywood crime thriller.

    OK, fair enough, but it stars Samuel L Jackson. That's cool, right? Tuna and I have always said that a poor movie with Samuel L is not entirely poor, because at least it is entertaining when they turn the camera on Samuel L.

    So how does Twisted fit in?

    It doesn't. Samuel L did OK, but they gave him the role of the wise old patriarch, a role requiring none of Samuel's energy and humor. In short, they cast him in a role designed for Morgan Freeman. In fact Freeman would have been perfect, given the eventual outcome of the plot, because nobody would ever expect Freeman to be a psychotic killer.

    At any rate, the plot is a straightforward police procedural. Ashley Judd plays a newly-appointed homicide detective whose first case turns out to be a string of murders. When she finds the first victim, it shocks her to see that it's a guy she slept with. Ditto for the second victim. Another victim actually turns up in her bed! She is not only the detective, but the #1 suspect. To make matters worse for her,  Judd has a mysterious blackout on the night of each murder, and some serious anger issues. Given those circumstances, and the fact that her own father was a serial killer, Judd is afraid that she may really be the killer.

    Of course, we know better, since that's not the way Hollywood films work, so solving the mystery is a matter of figuring out who framed her, and that can only be someone who knows enough about her life to connect her to a bunch of guys who were only one-night stands. Yawn. 

    In other words, it's kind of a second-rate version of Clint Eastwood's Tightrope, but with a much less interesting outcome. Despite a talented cast and crew and a big budget, this film will disappoint even genre lovers. It's a Hollywood hack job.

    And - although the entire movie centers around Ashley Judd's sex life, there is virtually no nudity.



    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    Some interesting variety from Shiloh

     ... and one from someone else

    • The oft-naked Sheryl Lee showing a nice rump in Vampires (.wmv zipped).





    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    • Model turned actress Beverly Johnson baring her bum in scenes from "Ashanti" (1979). Rare stuff...not available on video in USA.

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    "Pain don't hurt"

    That should be enough of a heads up as to what masterpiece of modern cinema the Ghost has for us today. Yup, it's one of our all time favorite so-bad-it's-good movies, "Road House" (1989). Be sure to read the review.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Edge of Madness"
    It's the winter of 1851 in Manitoba's Red River Valley, and a woman arives at the fort frostbitten and near insanity in this excellent 2002 drama.

    She says she's killed her husband, but as the local prefect investigages he finds many conflicting stories on why, and even IF, she killed her husband. Is he even dead? And by whose hand?

    Lots of twists lead to an unexpected ending, in fact several surprises. A very worthwhile movie, with excellent performances, and beautiful scenery.

    Charlotte Ayanna
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Johnny Moronic 'caps of the former Miss Teen USA (1993) going topless and showing some serious pokies in scenes from "Love the Hard Way" (2001). To see even more of the beautiful Ayanna topless, check out the movie "Dancing at the Blue Iguana" (plenty of 'caps in the archives).

    Nikki Cox DAI 'caps of the busty young actress showing cleavage and wearing a couple of bikinis in scenes from the Mr. Show movie "Run Ronnie Run!"

    Julie Depardieu
    (1, 2) in the daughter of French actor Gérard Depardieu. Here she is going full frontal in scenes from "L'Examen de minuit" aka "Midnight Exam" (1998).

    Janine Lindemulder
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the Adult film actress and former Pet in scenes from one of her first movies, "Spring Break USA" aka "Spring Fever USA" aka "Lauderdale" (1989). This "late 80's-zany-teen-spring break-sex-comedy" was actually a non-porn movie, back before she got into the adult film biz and was still trying to be a legit actress.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    That's Their Imaginary Partner - After surveying 1,000 Internet porn users, Australian psychology Prof. Alan McKey declared that porn is good. With porn often blamed for sex addiction or destroying families, McKey was surprised that 90 percent of people who view porn every day said it produces a very positive effect. Respondents told him since they started looking at Internet porn, they'd become "more relaxed about questions of sex," and their family life improved because it made them think about their partner's pleasure and be less critical of their body shape.

  • Or their ability to fake an orgasm.
  • Your wife looks pretty good after you watch some poor guy do it with a sheep.
  • And they stopped going to hookers.
  • So porn really helps you get a grip on yourself.

    He'll Make A Great Lawyer - Law student Steve Lucas of London faced a large fine and the loss of his drivers license after he was charged with driving his Fiat Punto hatchback 115 mph in a 70 mph zone. He claimed his car was so lousy, that was impossible. He spent 18 months fighting the ticket, even hiring a traffic consultant to test-drive his car. The fastest it ever got was 104 mph going downhill with a tailwind. Police finally dropped the charge.

  • And ticketed the test-driver.
  • With the money he spent fighting the ticket, he could've bought a decent car.
  • It could only go 115 mph if you shoved it off a cliff, which isn't a bad idea.

    Goodbye, Already! - Cher may finally, really be bringing her "Farewell Tour" to an end. She started saying farewell in June, 2002, and has performed her farewell concert 250 times. But she released a statement to the Australian media saying that the final leg of her Farewell Tour there next year "will be very emotional because that's where it will end."

  • And the NEXT final leg will be even more emotional...
  • Australia will end before this farewell tour does.
  • Cher will be very emotional; you just can't tell because her face doesn't move.

    Bras, They Know - In October, TBS will air a new reality series called "He's A Lady." Eleven "macho men" will be brought together to compete in what they think are tough physical challenges for a $250,000 prize, only to find they have to learn how to live and act like women. Every week, they'll experience something women know, from dealing with bras and jewelry to bonding with real women in typically all-female activities.

  • Like picking up guys in bars.
  • They won't mind the emotional bonding, as long as the women are hot.
  • After one day in stilettos and pantyhose, they'll be begging for something easy, like fighting sharks or eating pig rectums.

    A Little Nut Music - British composer James McConnel, who has Tourette's Syndrome, says his study of Mozart's letters and music lead him to believe he also had the obsessive-compulsive disorder that makes you twitch and curse uncontrollably. He said Mozart's music shows a telltale struggle between chaos and control, he documented his obsessive foot-tapping and word rhyming, and "he wrote absolutely disgusting letters," even beyond the level of crudity common in the 1700s.

  • You should see the letter to the editor he wrote after the Salieri concert got a rave.
  • "And if you don't agree, you're a BLEEPING BLEEP!!"
  • He liked music, rhyming and filthy language...Mozart was the first rapper!