Wednesday

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Death Game (1974, 1977)

Two females arrive at a man's door in a suburban neighborhood. They are wet and lost. He offers to let them dry off by his fire and use his phone. They are soon naked, and the three of them are soon having a menage a trois in the hot tub.

Sounds like a porno movie so far, doesn't it? All it needs is a delivery boy.

Actually it is kinda like a porn movie - except without the production values.

And the delivery boy will eventually appear!

After a night of sex, the suburban dad decides that it might not be such a good idea to keep the two gals around, since he has a wife and kids, and since the two women are throwing stuff around, pounding on his piano like three-year-olds, wearing his wife's clothes, and eating like pigs. Unfortunately, the girls don't want to leave, and they make a persuasive case for why they should get their way: they are 15 and 17. They invite Suburban Dad to call the police and have them ejected, if he's willing to face the wrath of the law - not to mention his wife. The rest of the film basically consists of the two girls getting the drop on Mr. Dad, tying him up, torturing him, and destroying his house.

It's a very poor movie in virtually every way. The photography is grainy, the editing is incoherent, the dialogue is by-the-numbers, and the acting by the two girls  is wildly over the top. Even though the girls' performances consist mostly of childish taunting, cackling, aimless piano pounding, and diabolical laughter, their noises are actually less annoying than the rest of the soundtrack, which consists of bizarrely inappropriate material which I presume to have been the filmmaker's attempt at humor. Or something. An old English dancehall song recurs again and again in several scenes, and the hot tub scene is backed by what sounds like the instrumental introduction to the Love Boat theme. I expected Jack Jones to break into song at any time.

The film might have been partly redeemed by a good performance from veteran character actor Seymour Cassel as Mr. Suburban Dad, but Cassel inexplicably provides only the visual portion of the performance. His voice was re-dubbed by a different actor -  for every single line of the film! There are also times when the mystery voice appears whilst Cassel is not moving his lips at all.

Death Game was filmed in 1974 and it was considered awful and unreleaseable, but that was when the three stars were going nowhere. Two years later, Sondra Locke, who had done nothing of merit since 1971's Willard, hooked up with Clint Eastwood during the shooting of The Outlaw Josey Wales, and followed up with another Eastwood movie, The Gauntlet. This restored some luster to her faded star, which had once shone brightly enough to earn an Oscar nomination. Given the rebirth of Locke's career, Death Game was dragged out of the vaults and released in 1977, but no Oscar nominations resulted.

Don't be fooled by the 4.5 at IMDb. Some pranksters have been inflating that with perfect tens. Death Game is certainly one of the 100 worst films ever made, and may even be Top (Bottom) 25 material.

Oh, by the way, the DVD producers should be proud. It seems almost impossible to make this film any worse than it already is, but by God, they succeeded. There are no features and, even though it is a full-screen transfer, there is black space on the side, so the working A/R is about 1.2:1, a phenomenon which I've never encountered before. Of course, that might not have been so bad if it were possible to see the movie.

No. Check that. My not being able to see this movie might be the proof of a merciful God.

Sondra Locke in Death Game
Additional caps from Sondra by another imager who had some better luck than I did with one scene.  
Colleen Camp in Death Game  
Another imager's take on Colleen Camp in Death Game  
Colleen Camp in Apocalypse Now Redux  
Colleen liked being in Death Game so much that she made another movie called Deadly Games!

Crimson Ghost
Captures and comments from the Ghost

Pics of Kari Wuhrer from three movies.

Phoenix - with implants


Malevolent - no nudity

King of the Ants - after implants were removed
Hankster
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
 
As promised today we return to that little 70's gem "Frankie and Johnnie...Were Lovers"
 
BTW you can play our little "Spot the Tool" game in some of these caps.
 
Rene Bond is joined in the first few caps by Cyndee Summers for a three-way with Ric Lutze.
Then it's on to more Rene as she exposes her body in every imaginable way. This chick was a real hottie.  
The last three caps are a little brutal as Ric beats her up in the bathtub and then forces her to give him a blow job.

ICMS

'Caps, clips, and comments by ICMS:  
 

First I want to apologize to Fun House readers for sending in a faulty first clip of Carole Bouquet in Tuesday's edition.I have no idea what went wrong. But don't despair, I've reworked the video of the apartment scene into two clips. ZIPPED .AVIs (1, 2)

 
For today just a quick follow-up on Monday's Fun House with the caps of Alexandra Maria Lara in a 2005 movie.
 
Over the past few years Alexandra Maria has become one of the leading ladies of German cinema and is probably best known to American audiences from the superb German film "Der Untergang" (The Downfall), where she played the role of Hitler's secretary Traudl Junge. I don't have clips from the 2005 film from Monday, but I can offer 3 from another one. They come from the aptly titled Doris Dörrie film "Nackt" (2002). I still haven't had time to watch what it is all about but let that not come in the way of our viewing pleasure. And you get even two for the price of one since another actress also sheds her clothes. So please enjoy these full frontal clips of Alexandra Maria Lara and Nina Hoss (Warning: two dudes found it necessary to go the way of all flesh as well). ZIPPED .AVIs (1, 2, 3)
 

Variety

Debra Messing paparazzi shots (exposed nipple in the middle three)
Cara Horgan in Afterlife, Episode 1
Jacinda Barrett in The Human Stain
Jennifer Esposito in Crash.
Since Reese Witherspoon seems to have renounced nudity, a Twilight retrospective is always in order.
Lisa Barbuscia in Almost Heroes.
Jennifer Hill in Ice Queen.
Movie Reviews

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

 
  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

This week's movies: Lord of War - 50% positive reviews
  • The Good: "An oddly satisfying mesh of an international action-adventure with an extremely dark satire about the global arms trade."
  • The Bad: "Thanks to all of the voice-over, Lord of War feels like a two-hour trailer for a better movie."

This week's movies: Just Like Heaven - 70% positive reviews. My favorite review: "Just Like Heaven is just awful. It's gonna do great business."

The Weekend Warrior predicts the box office. He's calling the new releases as follows:

  • Just Like Heaven (Reese Witherspoon romantic ghost comedy) - 3000 screens - in the number one slot.
  • Lord of War (Nic Cage arms dealer action/drama) - 2400 screens - third place
  • Cry Wolf (teenage slasher/horror/mystery) - 1500 screens - number six
  • Venom (another teenager vs evil forces movie) - 750 screens - out of the top 10.
  • The Greatest Game Ever Played - 750 screens - sneak peek, Saturday only.

Truck spills $800,000 worth of quarters on the highway.

"PARIS HILTON is keen to make sure her singing career is a success - because she is worried that she will be mocked if it fails."

  • Her fears seem totally unfounded. C'mon, who would mock Paris?
  • Actually, Paris is in the perfect position to fail. Let's face it, if Harry Connick sings badly, he would obviously get more mockery than if he sings well. But Paris? Pretty much the same - at mockery saturation level. So she really has nothing to lose. I mean, is she afraid that people would have a lower opinion of her? Get real.

Sorry, you just missed it. Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day

Two more clips from Lord of War. (Nic Cage as an arms dealer.)

CHERTOFF UNVEILS APATHY ALERT SYSTEM ... "Reacting to criticism that the federal government does not respond quickly enough in times of emergency and crisis, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today unveiled what he called “a color-coded apathy alert system” that will warn the public of just how sluggish the government’s response will be."

The Straight Dope: Why are there holes in the prongs of electrical plugs? The simple answer: "Who gives a fuck?"

The trailer and three clips from A History of Violence

  • "A thriller from director David Cronenberg, 'A History of Violence' stars Viggo Mortensen as a pillar of a small town community who runs a diner and lives a happy and quiet life with his wife (Maria Bello) and two children. But their lives are forever changed when Mortensen thwarts an attempted robbery and is lauded as a hero by the media, attracting the attention of some mobsters (William Hurt and Ed Harris) who believe he is someone else."

Yet another clip from Elizabethtown

A new clip from Cameron Crowe's Elizabethtown.

A clip from The Thing About My Folks, the new film with Paul Reiser and Peter Falk.

The Japanese trailer for Seven Swords.

  • "In the early 1600's, the Manchurians have taken over sovereignty of China and established the Ching Dynasty. While many nationalist revolts still brew within the martial artists' community, the newly set-up government immediately imposes a Martial Arts Ban, forbidding the practice of martial arts altogether in order to gain control and order. Wind Fire (Sun Hong-Lei), a surrendered military official from the previous dynasty, sees this as an opportunity to make a fortune for himself by helping to execute the new law. Greedy, cruel, and immoral, Wind Fire ravages the North-western China, and his next goal is to attack the final frontier, Martial Village. Fu Qingzhu, a retired executioner from the previous dynasty, feels the need to put a stop to this brutality and sets out to save Bowei Fortress. He brings Wu Yuanyin and Han Zhiban from the village with him to Mount Heaven to seek help from Master Shadow-Glow, a hermit who is a master of swords and leads a group of disciples of great swordsmanship. Master Shadow-Glow agrees to help, and orders four of his best disciples to go. Together with Chu Zhaonan, Yang Yunchong, Mulong, and Xin Longzi, the "Seven Swords" is formed and their heroic journey begins. As they lead the entire village to the road of a safer place, they begin to encounter mysterious confusion. Food and water is poisoned, and trails of escape are marked with signs leading the enemy to them. They soon realize that there is an undercover spy, and the "Seven Swords" must identify him/her before Wind Fire's army gets to them. Between this narrow gap of life and death, the situation is further complicated by the blossoms of love."

Four new clips from Wolf Creek

  • "A chilling, factually-based, story of three road-trippers in remote Australia who are plunged into danger when they accept help from a friendly local."

The trailer for Rag Tale

  • "'Rag Tale' chronicles a week in the life of a tabloid newspaper in contemporary London. Its tyrannical chairman and obsequious editor (who is also sleeping with the chairman's wife!) battle for political supremacy, using staff journalists as pawns in the power games they play out in the pages of the press."

The trailer for Human Error

  • "Dobbitt (Knott) is called away from his wife for an indeterminate but lengthy stint at the grungiest of third-world factories – an increasingly dangerous plant that produces toxins as it belches out its mysterious "Units" to meet the company's quotas. Following a seemingly endless days' journey to his new home, Dobbitt meets his new colleague and roommate-from-hell Hanrahan (Berkeley). While Dobbitt tries his hardest to please, Hanrahan is a caustic and bitter man who immediately questions the new arrival's motives. The two report to Merkin (Bower), a petty and paranoid manager who ruthlessly pits his two subordinates against each other. In their own ways, the three "tango" for power within the company and in their dealings with each other, forming and breaking and reforming alliances along the way.

The trailer for Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic

  • "Silverman, who has been compared to the legendary Lenny Bruce, is known as one of the funniest and most provocative people in comedy. Despite the current political climate, in Jesus is Magic, she takes on such pitch-black topics as September 11th, unwanted body hair, and the Holocaust, and spins them into decidedly un-PC comedic gold."

The Japanese trailer for In Her Shoes

  • "Alternately hilarious and heart-rending, 'In Her Shoes' is about two sisters (Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette) with nothing in common but size 8.5 feet. After a calamitous falling out, they travel the bumpy road toward a true appreciation for one another -- aided along the way by the grandmother they never knew they had (Shirley MacLaine)."

Madden's long-delayed "Proof" hits theaters. (It stars Paltrow and Dr. Lecter)

David Letterman and the Talking Dog

Application Process: Job - United States Supreme Court Justice - Apply your Serenity, Courage and Wisdom

Katherine Heigl interested in playing Wonder Woman. (Just idle chit-chat, not official casting news.) Damn, it looks like Joan Cusack is out of the running!

  • I've pointed out that my choice would be Monica Bellucci, assuming it's OK for WW to speak with an accent. Catherine Bell would be good. Liv Tyler also looks like Wonder Woman, but doesn't really have the requisite kickassitude.

A new featurette about Doom (the movie).

CNN.com - Whatever happened to 'The Outsiders'? Made twenty years ago, Coppola's teen drama featured possibly the greatest young cast ever assembled. They were all unknown or virtually unknown at the time, but many went on to join the A-list, and even the ones with disappointing careers have stayed busy and have enjoyed moments in the sun. Looking at their lives provides a lesson about the nature of fame. C. Thomas Howell was the star of that film, while Tom Cruise had a smaller part.

Mr. T pitches a new reality series called 'I Pity the Fool'

Jon Stewart and Chris Mooney discuss Mooney's subtly titled book 'The Republican War on Science.'

The Daily Show's Fun Evolution Facts: There is a growing consensus that on the eighth day God created Cher.

The Daily Show: "Meet the Little Fuckers" A look at the role state and local officials had in making Katrina disaster what it was."

The Daily Show's Evolution Tour looks at the famous Scopes Trial. "Ed Helms visits at a quaint reenactment town that would be terrifying if it were real."

The Daily Show looks at what's taught in science class, or, as it's known in some places, 'The Crazy Claim Magic Fun Hour'?"

 

2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour - Day 4: Philadelphia Eagles

"Scoop - I have started to hear some grumbling that I have been a bit harsh in my ratings of the first three cheerleading squads. Sure all of these ladies are beautiful, talented, and put in a lot of work. But what makes a top notch squad, and a world class web site? Look no further than the defending NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles. When you click on the cheerleader section of the team's web site, you are greeted with this warning.

Thus the sign of good things ahead.

The Philadelphia cheerleading squad had made waves the last few season for sexy uniforms designed by fashion mogul Vera Wang, a racy lingerie calendar, Maxim Magazine layouts, and oh yeah, beautiful women. The web site is professional! Video clips, webcasting, great bios with tons of pics of all of the cheerleaders, a great news section with updates on all cheerleader activities (including auditions and charity work). The site is very easy to navigate and has lots of info.

Oh yeah, did I mention that these girls are hot! These girls even manage to look fantastic in the frigid Philly winter ... they gotta be cold.

I am not an Eagles fan, but I admit the cheerleading squad has my eye. They, like the guys on the field, are among the elite in the NFL. Two Jennifers and one Janipher, make this squad deep! Check out the bios here.

Rating 9.5 out of 10."

Cubespective. "Perfect for five minute time killer at the office."

FBI agents catch a bank robber while on their lunch break

Another movie of the week for Michael Rapaport. Thief tries to steal valuable copper wire - from a live power line.

Playboy.com seeks women for "Girls of the Gap" feature

Pornstar Shy Love Starts eBay Auction for Cancer Research. "Love has put together a special offer for her fans to bid on which includes two full days with her, including flight and hotel, along with activities that will be decided by she and the winner."

The hazards of pre-taping. You've won ... an all expense paid vacation to wonderful New Orleans!!!

Hilarious Domain Name Mispronunciations

Bonds misses a homer by inches, Giants win

A script review of Beowulf from Latino Review

  • "Folks, THIS SCRIPT ROCKS!!!!!!!!!! The way the script is written, there is no way in bloody hell this will be a PG-13 film. This is definitely going to be a hard R. That would be the only way to do this thing justice. This is Conan the Barbarian R-rated, full of gruesome macho violence, boasting, and lots of sex. At least that is the way it is written. This flick is about a kick-ass balls-to-the-wall barbarian."

Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Working With Al Qaeda"

Pat Reeder     www.comedy-wire.com


LOS ANGELES BLACKOUT BLAMED ON STUPIDITY
The #1 Cause Of Everything In L.A. - A large part of Los Angeles suffered a power outage for nearly two hours Monday afternoon, putting out traffic lights and leaving Angelinos in the dark, with no air conditioning, and stuck in building elevators.  Many feared it was a terrorist attack, but it was just stupidity: electrical workers connected the wrong cables, causing a surge that  knocked out three power stations.

*  Every car was stopped dead for two hours!...Actually, nobody noticed any difference.
*  It was terrible: at the malls, Valley girls were stuck on escalators for hours!
*  The blackout delayed filming on over 300 reality shows, so it wasn't all  bad.


HOPE RETURNING FOR NEW ORLEANS EVACUEES
Jennifer Is Devastated! - The Star tabloid announced that they are helping Hurricane Katrina evacuees by sending thousands of free copies of the Star to the Houston Astrodome, to help "take their minds off of the devastation."  They say they'll continue sending the tabloid as long as people are taking refuge there.

*  Thank God!  They were running low on toilet paper!
*  Good!  Those poor people have been cut off from the world, and they're desperate to know how Jennifer Aniston is holding up!
*  Now they can read about how much all the celebrities care about them!



HOUSEWORK IS GOOD FOR YOU
Ladies, We Sacrifice Ourselves For You - A researcher at Indiana University Bloomington discovered that doing housework, such as cleaning, leaf raking and washing the car, significantly lowers the blood pressure of people with hypertension.  28 people were told to burn 150 calories over 12 hours by doing household chores.  Afterward, their blood pressure dropped by up to 13 points for as long as eight hours.  A researcher said it shows that it's not always necessary to go to the gym; doing regular housework might help keep you alive and
healthy.


*  Finally, we know why women live longer than men!




UNION HIRES NON-UNION UNION PROTESTERS
Brotherhood Of Irony Workers - Las Vegas Weekly interviewed some people who were picketing outside a Wal-Mart against the chain's low wages and non-union worker policy.  They discovered the protesters were non-union temp workers hired by the United Food and Commercial Workers union.  The UFCW makes them walk a picket line in five-hour shifts in 104 degree F. heat with only two 15-minute
bathroom breaks, for $6 an hour and no benefits.  One protester said he used to work at Wal-Mart: they started him at $6.75 an hour, he was making $8.63 when he quit less than a year later, and he's thinking of reapplying.

*  The union couldn't hire union protesters: they don't have the budget for that!



WEIRDEST NAMES FROM BYGONE DAYS 
Not "Gentle Nudge?" - Archive workers at the Cornwall County, England, Records Office went through census forms dating back to the 16th century and compiled the 1,000 oddest people's names.  They include Faithful Cock, Susan Booze, Elizabeth Disco, Edward Evil, Charity Chilly, Gentle Fudge, Philadelphia Bunnyface, Abraham Thunderwolff and Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane.  And marriage records
show Charles Swine wed Jane Ham in 1711, John Mutton and Ann Veale married in 1791, and Nicholas Bone married Priscilla Skin in 1636.

*  These weddings would get big laughs when they were announced by the town crier, Josiah Leno.
*  Sadly, Skin and Bone never crossed paths with Mutton, Veale, Swine or Ham.
*  This tells us that a lot of census takers just got drunk and filled out the forms themselves.
*  For God's sakes, don't let any celebrity parents see this list of names!



FEMINIST PARTY WANTS TO ABOLISH MARRIAGE
For People With No Initiative - The Feminist Initiative, a new political party in Sweden, is promising that if elected, it will abolish marriage.  Founder Tiina Rosenberg said marriage "is not about love, but about ownership," and  they will replace it with a law allowing non-gender-specific co-habitation of two or more people.  But she said they don't want to fall into a "patriarchal structure," where a man has a harem of wives.  To try to get male support, they are promising to introduce a six-hour work day.


*  They promise to replace marriage with uncommitted multiple partners, and they're worried men won't vote for them?!


MICHAEL JACKSON GOES SWIMMING
Wet 'N' Weird - The New York Post's Page Six reports that Michael Jackson rented out the entire Wild Wadi water park in Dubai, inviting local parents and children to join him.  He wore a skintight, white Lycra body suit that left only his eyes, nose and mouth visible.  One lifeguard said, "He looked even stranger than usual.  His body is very skinny, and the Lycra material did him no favors."

*  When he jumps into a pool full of kids, he likes to dress like a big sperm.



VIEWERS SICK OF REALITY TV
Reality Check - An AP-TV Guide poll found that Americans are fed up with reality TV shows.  Despite a recent glut of vulgar shows, such as "Being Bobby Brown" and "Tommy Lee Goes to College," the only one to become a big hit was the corny but uplifting "Dancing With the Stars."  80 percent of Americans said there are too many reality shows on the air, and 82 percent thought they were either "mostly distorted" or "totally made up."  Only 4 percent said there weren't enough reality shows already.

*  Surprising, considering that 10 percent of the viewers are currently appearing in reality shows.
*  We don't need a lot of untalented, over-sexed no-talents on network television!  That's what MTV is for!

 
A quick site note
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