"Let the Devil Wear Black"

Let the Devil Wear Black (1999) -- Something is rotten in the State of California, and what it is is this abysmal remake of Hamlet. It is set in LA county, California. Randall Batinkoff plays Hamlet. His father has died of an apparent heart attack. His uncle almost immediately takes control of the family business, and announces his engagement to Batinkoff's mother, Jacqueline Bisset. A ghost talks to him in a bar crapper, telling him his father was murdered. Mary Louise Parker shows her breasts while talking on the phone (she is the Ophelia, who is going insane). There is also an unknown stripper played by Brooke Taylor. Batinkoff must solve the murder and avenge his father.

This one is very forgettable, and, judging by the number of reviews on line, most people just didn't bother seeing it. IMDb readers have it at 5.1 of 10. The acting was wooden, the story contrived, the pace all wrong, and most of the film is in partial darkness. This is a D.

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  • Brooke Taylor (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Mary-Louise Parker (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    "If These Walls Could Talk 2"

    If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000) is the HBO anthology of three lesbian stories. It is not really a sequel, as it is about lesbian relationships, not abortion, as the first was. It does share a format. All three stories take place in the same house, but different eras.

    The first, and easily the best of the three segments takes place in 1961. Vanessa Redgrave and Marion Seldes play a couple who have been together since childhood. Both taught at the same school. As the film opens, they are at the movies, watching "The Children's Hour." They are holding hands, and clearly enjoying the part where Shirley McClaine swears her love to Audrey Hepburn when teenage boys in the balcony start laughing, and they are forced to stop holding hands. Later that night, Seldes drops from a stroke. At the hospital, Redgrave isn't allowed to visit her because "she isn't family." Seldes dies in the middle of the night, and nobody bothers to tell Redgrave, even though she has been waiting all night. She is not allowed to make arrangements, so calls Seldes' nephew, who shows up with his wife and young daughter, and informs her that they are taking their aunts things, and will be selling the home that is in their aunts name. Redgrave is brilliant in the role. Both themes are clearly presented. First, the lesbian relationship between these women is as strong and as lasting as any other relationship. The second is the need for some legal status for people in alternative relationships to avoid the indignity that Redgrave suffered. Of course, in 1961, they had to be deep in the closet.

    The second segment is also very strong. Michelle Williams lives in the house in 1872 with three other lesbians. They are pushed out of the feminist action club because their sexual orientation is causing political problems for the organization with the school administration. The 4 go to a gay bar that night, and Michelle meets a very butch Chloe Sevigny. Her friends strongly disapprove of anyone that openly "out," but Michelle is strongly attracted to Chloe. The sex between them sizzles. This segment showed aspects of same gender discrimination that I had never considered, but the political content was second to the sex. I have sense learned that this is a genuine issue in the lesbian community.

    The third segment is the weakest, and stars Ellen Degeneres and Sharon Stone as a couple who want a baby. After deciding that a surrogate isn't going to work out, they elect to use a sperm donor. This segment is played for comedy, which mainly falls flat, and there was no chemistry for me between Degeneres and Stone. If there was a theme or message here, it escaped me.

    This one is worth seeing. HBO did a very good job, and the DVD transfer does it justice.

    We have exposure from Stone, Williams and Sevigny. That alone makes a film worth the rental price. This is a strong B. It is a favorite in the gay community, but the themes and messages are accessible to everyone.

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  • Chloe Sevigny (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Michelle Williams (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Sharon Stone (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Stud (1978):

    "I can review that film in two notes, Wink":

    Joan Collins.

    Chronologically, this is the prequel to the cinema classic The Bitch, and while that other Collins film is rated a bitchy 2.6 at IMDb, this one is rated a studly 2.8.

    There are two reasons why this film is slightly better than The Bitch:

    1) The story has no merit, but unlike The Bitch, this film is comprehensibly edited. Collins is the decadent wife of a rich, boring businessman. She chooses a handsome young man to be her personal stud. She trains him to behave in society, and mainly to fuck and suck, and she supports him in lavish style. In return for her largesse, she expects him to service her 24/7. Stud-boy is kind of tired of this life, in fact he's downright miserable, so he is trying to figure out how to get out of the arrangement. {SPOILERS} Collins's husband figures out what is going on, cuts Collins off penniless, and sends some thugs to beat the snot out of Stud-boy {END SPOILERS} I guess the point is that he gets beat up for something he was being forced to do anyway. That is supposed to be all ironic and all, but if you think about it, he endured one beating, and was then free of Joan Collins for a lifetime. Well worth it, in my opinion.

    2) This film uses real disco hits instead of songs that sound like songs from the era. The sound track of The Stud is pretty much Disco's Greatest Hits. I don't know your opinion of disco music, but I figure no matter what you think of it, good, famous disco is better than bad, obscure faux disco.


    • Joan Collins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
    • Emma Jacobs (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Sue Lloyd
    • the usual blonde lesbo chicks who are in the swimming pool in all Joan Collins movies
    • an incredibly beautiful red head. Her character was named "Felicity". (1, 2) None of the online resources on celeb nudity mention her topless scene in this film. The Bare Facts does not mention her either. Apparently her completely irrelevant scene, which takes place in the first couple minutes of the film, has been cut from some prints. And yet she is, by far, the best looking woman in the cast.
    • Minah Bird. (1, 2, 3, 4) Also a very attractive woman.








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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.



    Beyond the Valley of the Dolls:

    • This is a semi-famous grade-b Russ Meyer flick written by none other than Roger Ebert! That alone should cancel out his Pulitzer Prize when he arrives at Heaven's Gate. Here's a playmate from the 60s, Dolly Read.(.avi version, .wmv version)

    • Erica Gavin and a mammoth-chested Playmate from the 60s, Cynthia Myers (.avi version, .wmv version)


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    First up today....

    Treasure Hunt (2003) is a Jim Wynorski DTV that combines the worst elements of Blair Witch and Survivor. People on an island? Yes, yes, seen that one before. Cinema verite style, with shakey-ass camera? Sure, sure, that one's been done. Killer loose and it turns out to be the first person supposedly killed, whose body disappears in ways mysterious? Oldest plot device in the world. Nothing new under the sun.

    And no one would care if ol' JW had gone out and gotten him a bunch of babes to prance around nekkid. What ol' Jim did, however, was go out and get himself a bunch of women who were babes a way long time ago. We are talking Sam Phillips, Tane McClure and Gail Harris. Most mercifully, he keeps there clothes on. Well, not Gail. She shows her bum and its looking just fine, thank you. But the other two do stayed covered, for which I am most grateful.

    Jim did grab himself a few young babes. Shea Smith, Melissa Brasella (who looks terrific) and Glori-Anne Gilbert. Only Glori-Anne takes off her top, but then Jim shoots those scenes by the light of a bonfire or puts the camera so close to the action that he just about jams it up her nose. And when you tack on the facts that a) the camera is always moving, sweeping from one side to the next, jittering as if Michael J Fox were trying to hold it still; b) the digital compression is so bad that remnants of one frame remain as the next comes up, well what you get with closeups is something almost impossible to capture.

    But then in one scene, the camera stops moving, the lighting is perfect and Glori-Anne starts to remove her bikini and I'm thinking, well maybe this will make up for all the other painful crap I've had to watch... but noooooo. The camera cuts away before you get to see any goodies. What the hell? You already got her topless twice before, Jim you stupid fuck, why go modest on us now? I could have pulled his pea brain out through his nose at that point.

    A couple of things came to mind as I watched this atrocity unfold:

    1) There is a phrase in Spanish that translates as "limp dick" but carries with it much more baggage than any English phraseology might. That's Jim Wynorski. He's written, produced and directed 50 movies and rather than getting better or showing any sign of progress in his craft over time, he has gotten measurably worse. I'd much rather watch Deathstalker II than anything he's done this century.

    2) Had a roommate who despised the dorm's RA. A man of few words, the roomie once said of the RA that "he could fuck up a wet dream." After watching Treasure Hunt, I understand what that means.

    3) In American Wedding, as Stifler sits listening to Nikki Schieler's character (the stripper cop) talk of her past and her dreams and finally blurts out, "I don't care. All I want you to do is dance." That's the way I felt as I sat and watched the heads of some very uninteresting people speak terribly uninteresting lines into a shakey camera. I didn't care. All I wanted was for the babes to dance.

    I like Glori-Anne Gilbert. She's cute as the dickens, blessed with a most exuberant body and he gets nekkid a lot. I have to like her, since I have capped her in three movies, each of which sits below the IMDb Mendoza line (under 2.0), one of which (Dream Witch) is considered by many to be as bad as Manos, the Hands of Fate. Understand, then, Treasure Hunt is even worse. Avoid at all costs.

    The read-out on the caps

    Next up...another batch o' paparazzi pics.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Me Without You"
    The trials and tribulations of two best friends growing up near London. Has it been done a trillion times before? You betcha! Is this version better than the rest? Probably not.

    Even so, performances by Michelle Williams and Anna Friel in this 2001 production make it a watchable movie, and while the typical growing-up problems of sex and drugs provide no new plot elements, it certainly isn't a bad movie.....just not a great one.

    Dagmara Dominczyk
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    The Polish born beauty who is probably best known as James Caviezel's love interest in the 2002 film "The Count of Monte Cristo"/ Here she is in undies and showing brief breast views (links 6 and 7) in scenes from "Tough Luck" (2003).

    Laia Marull
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    The Spanish actress bares all 3 B's in scenes from "Te doy mis ojos" aka "Take My Eyes" (2003).

    Jennifer Garner Not sure where this comes from, or if it's legit, but it appears to be a paparazzi pic of the "Alias" and "Daredevil" star caught showing a bit of nipple.

    Christina Ricci Ricci shows some pokies and gets groped in her undies. DeadLamb 'caps from the Woody Allen movie, "Anything Else".

    Eva Green Fantastic full frontal nudity by the French actress in scenes from the Bernardo Bertolucci movie "The Dreamers" (2003). Great 'caps by LC.

    Naomi Watts New on DVD! "The Ring" star topless in scenes from "21 Grams".

    Joely Richardson
    (1, 2, 3)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the UK actress goinh topless in scenes from "Drowning by Numbers" (1988).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Create Better Excuses - Monday, Martha Stewart announced that she has resigned as a director and Chief Creative Officer of her own media company, for which she still owns the controlling share. The board announced that they had created a new position for her, "Founding Editorial Director," which will let her use her unique creative talents to continue to make a contribution to the business.

  • She will be paid 11 cents an hour.
  • She's working on some festive summer license plate designs.
  • While in prison, she will personally be taking telephone orders from the Martha Stewart catalog.

    Dad's Sorry He Ever Cut The Cord - Police in Hong Kong report that a 13-year-old boy refused to stop playing his video game and go to bed by midnight, so his dad unplugged the game. The boy flew into a rage and threatened his parents with a kitchen knife. The dad overpowered him, nobody was injured, and the parents declined to press charges.

  • They just don't know where all this mindless, violent behavior comes from.
  • Pull the plug on your kid when he's playing "Grand Theft Auto," and he'll pull the plug on you.

    Do Not Attempt To Adjust Your TV... - Fox reports that some beauty experts think Hollywood stars are taking bottled tans too far. Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock are among those being criticized for having such deep spray-on tans at the Oscars, they looked unnaturally fluorescent. E! Network fashion director Elycia Rubin said that between their golden skins and frosted makeup, some stars are starting to resemble creamed donuts. One celebrity makeup artist said it's not good when your first thought is "Whoa, she's tan!" And Cosmo's beauty director said the stars seem to be getting "oranger and darker."

  • None of them wanted the Oscar to look more gold-plated than they did.
  • It is weird when Charlize Theron is the darkest African-American in the room.
  • Charlize Theron made up to resemble a donut...It's Homer Simpson's wet dream.
  • Charize may resemble a donut, but I thought she looked good enough to eat.
  • They all drove hybrid cars to protect the ozone layer, then destroyed it with spray-on tanner.

    Spare The Rod - Director Kevin Smith told Playboy that Michael Jackson once sent him a script in which Michael would play a guy who hangs out with a little boy, then he morphs into a car, and the boy gets into the car and drives him around. It was called "Hot Rod." Smith called it the weirdest script he was ever asked to direct.

  • And this is the guy who made "Dogma."
  • When the little boy slips into the driver's seat, the rod gets hotter.
  • Did the car HAVE to be a stick-shift?
  • It never got produced, but Michael's turning it into a children's book.