Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987) is the first in a series of 12 Andy Sidaris films to be released on DVD. Produced by his wife, and written and directed by him, he is a true mom and pop operation. This one is a secret agent tittie flick set in Hawaii. Think of it as Charlie's Angels, except that they are not addicted to wearing their clothes, and one of them sleeps with Charlie. Donna Speir is DEA, working for Ronn Moss, and running a small freight/passenger plane service as a cover. Living with her is Hope Marie Carlton, who is in a witness protection program, but is allowed to join in on all of the violent fun. Head agent on the island is Cynthia Brimhall. The bad guys smuggle pot, and pay for it with diamonds.

All of the women mentioned above show breasts and buns, as does Patty Duffek in a short role. As Sidaris says in the commentary, none of these women are likely to headline on the British stage, but all have some acting ability. There is a little humor, a little sex, a little violence, a lot of flesh, and a very mean snake (the snake is gratuitous), and some nifty toys, such as a remote control helicopter used to deliver the diamonds. Maltin saw it for what it was, and awarded 2 stars. IMDB readers must have been expecting more like a Mitchner novel, and have it at 3.8/10. It shows lots of breasts, has a plot you could actually follow if you wanted to, humor, gadgets, etc. I say perfectly good tittie flick. C+

Young Lady Chatterley was one of the best of the dying breed of softcore theatrical films produced in the late 70's for couples audiences.

• Mary Forbes (1, 2)
• Harlee McBride (1, 2, 3, 4)

The Crimson Rivers is the French equivalent of A Touch of Evil, a grade-b script directed by a grade-a genius. The plot is The Shining meets SE7EN meets The Boys From Brazil - basically pure derivative crap, but this director has so-o-o-o-o much talent that he makes it watchable

You all know what Planet of the Apes is. It is a good popcorn flick, much more sophisticated and imaginative than the first version, but it lacks an important ingredient. In the Heston version, the astronaut was terrifyingly isolated, neither human (in the context)  nor ape, and Heston communicated a kind of angry, passionate, outraged, lost persona that was not very astronaut-like, but enabled us to live through him vicariously . In this one, the astronaut is surrounded by other English-speaking humans, and the apes don't think humans are an inferior species. In fact, they subjugate humans because they secretly fear them. This strips away a lot of the tension from the first film, and turns it into kind of a Schindler's List parable. To top it off, Wahlberg plays the role like a real astronaut. How'd you like to spend two hours with one of them, discussing x-y coordinates and other outer space gearhead stuff? He's professional, unflappable, thoughtful, dispassionate. In other words - boring. Without a strong sense of identification with the astronaut, the film loses any chance to be remembered by the ages. 

As for the ending - you got me. I'd have a better chance of understanding a Luis Buñuel movie than this final twist. Read the geekboy sites, and you'll find 1000 possible explanations, most of them very complicated. But what if he went back in time  ... and there was another vehicle for Thade to go back farther in time ...  and counter earth .... and what if there was an alternate universe where Nixon told the truth .... blah, blah.

The two closeups of her breasts covered by her hands may actually be a body double. The camera never pans up to her face in that particular shot. But judging by the amount of flesh she shows in the rest of the scene, I'd guess that it really is her!

Mr. T

Here's the breakdown:

-The Hankster