"The Contract" (1999) from Tuna
The Contract (1999) came and went pretty much without notice.
The two reviews linked at IMDB aren't even there. One of the two who commented
at IMDB liked the titles, but had little use for any other aspect of the film.
That was the positive review of the two. IMDb readers have it at 4.5 of 10 based
on 58 votes. Camilla Overbye Roos shows buns in the shower, then breasts in a
fairly long hot sex scene. That is probably all you really need to know about
this one, but for the ones who are still reading ...
Anna (Roos) has not had a good week. Her creep of a magazine owner boss grabbed
her ass, the grocery clerk was a total jerk, her best friend made light of her
problems with the boss, her husband was much more interested in the equipment on
the waitress than in her story, and they came home to find their baby sitter
tangled up with her boy friend on the sofa. Anna retreats to the local bar,
which, we learn, has been a too frequent occurrence, and pours her heart out to
a kind stranger. He takes notes, has her sign them, then agrees to fix
everything. Next day, her boss is murdered. Anna has no inkling why, and even
the death of the store clerk isn't enough to send her to the police. When the
babysitter is killed, she catches on, and the list is now down to people she
Time to stop here in case some misguided few of you elect to see this, but I
have never seen a more obvious red herring start to finish, a less likely
killer, or a lamer final twist. And to top it off, they make no attempt at all
to explain. Roos is worth seeing naked, but maybe watching this film is too high
a price to pay. And as to the MTV style titles, I didn't care for them. D-.
Scoop's note: this movie was so bad I
rated it a "G", a rating only applicable to movies that would otherwise be Fs,
but also have the additional liability of Jeff Fahey. Camilla's nudity is the
single reason to watch.
Camilla Overbye Roos (
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Roy "Chubby" Brown can best be described as a Northern provincial
version of Benny Hill. He's equally bawdy and sexist, but more
foul-mouthed. He tells lowbrow ribald jokes, he makes lewd
comments about the body parts and functions of every woman he meets,
and he has a regional accent which is almost impenetrable at first
listen. Invariably dressed as a modern version of a court jester,
Chubby wears a suit made of a colorful patchwork quilt, with the
pants ending about mid-calf. He never removes an old-fashioned
leather aviator's helmet, with the goggles sitting permanently on
The Chubster is the resident local comedian of
Blackpool, a resort town on the Irish Sea just north of Liverpool.
For you Yanks, Blackpool can best be described as an English seaside
version of Branson, Missouri. It's a small place which has been
built up as an entertainment center as culturally distant from
London as Branson is from New York. Chubby has his own personal club
there, just as Yakov Smirnoff has his own club in Branson.
In this film, Chubby plays the part of Roy Chubby
Brown, a foul-mouthed sexist pig who is so offensive to the
politically correct people of the future that they decide to go back
to kidnap him from the 20th century in their UFO and place him on
trial for his crimes against womanhood. The Chubster had to stretch
a bit to assay this role, but he nailed it eventually. The ultimate
result of his big trial is that he is sentenced to be pregnant
permanently until he dies.
The alleged plot would only take ten minutes of
screen time. The rest of the time is spent with Chubby mugging his
comedy routines directly into the camera, or singing some silly and
This is the part of the commentary where we would
normally make some evaluation, but it hardly seems necessary. I
think you can tell from the description and the pictures whether
you'd like it or not.
If you haven't already made up your mind, this point
may be the deal-maker or -breaker: the film was directed by Tony Dow. Yes, the
same Tony Dow who played big brother Wally on Leave it to Beaver.
Sara Stockbridge (1,
Brides in the Bath (2003):
This is a British ITV production based on a true
story of a serial murderer, circa WW1, who killed his wives in their
Here's the info
Shaggy Snake Story. Turns out the 49 foot snake is only
22 feet long, and weighs about 220 pounds, not 1000!
He'brew: The Chosen Beer. Brewed for 40 days and 40
nights, HE'BREW could bring a whole new meaning to the term "High"
Box Office Mojo > All Time Box Office Champions adjusted for
ticket price inflation. The #1 of all time? Still Gone
With The Wind.
Gallup Poll Analyses - History Shows January Front-runner Often
Does Not Win Democratic Nomination
Tug McGraw, the zany relief pitcher who coined the phrase 'You
Gotta Believe', died Monday, aged 59.
The Populist Manifesto: Bestseller Stephen King Raises High The
Banner of Middlebrow Fiction He has a point. Middlebrow
works win the awards in other media, film in particular, but
middlebrow books are treated as if you should hide the fact that
you're reading them instead of something important.
DisneyTattooGuy.com - Disney's #1 Fan - builds his Disney dream
7 Films in Competition for Sound Editing Oscar
Disney rules the year. Buoyed by Finding Nemo and
Pirates, the MouseHouse lead all studios with $1.8 billion, a
'Producers' Sets Another Broadway Record They had a
full house on New Year's Eve, at $600 a pop! The show grossed $1.6
million in one week, for eight performances.
SEX And The City chiefs have filmed three different endings in a
bid to keep the finale top secret. I like the one where
Carrie is drawn and quartered in Paris and Samantha dies while
attempting to be sodomized by a rare White Rhino. But I guess
that's just me.
The ten greatest collapses in sports history.
Amazingly, Greg Norman only made one of the ten.
Rightwing nutburgers upset because leftwing nutburgers compare
Bush to Hitler. Why, that comparison is absurd. Hitler
was an effective speaker.
Amish Tech Support -the top picks in their 2004 Death Pool
Online Film Critics hand out their awards.
Producers' Guild Best Pic nominees announced: "RETURN
OF THE KING, THE LAST SAMURAI, MASTER AND COMMANDER, MYSTIC RIVER,
SEABISCUIT and COLD MOUNTAIN"
Pontillism for the computer age - using ASCII symbols and color.
Directors Guild of America to honor Mike Nichols with Lifetime
Achievement Award, obviously indicating that he's much
nearer death than previously thought.
MovieJuice reviews Cold Mountain
How Britney the bride stacks up against Lisa Marie, Drew Barrymore
and Helen Hunt: "Married in Las Vegas in the wee hours
Saturday, then having their union officially annulled Monday,
Britney Spears and her 'joke' husband, childhood buddy Jason Allen
Alexander, may have set a record for celebrity quickie marriages.
Weekly World News: A leading musicologist claims Britney Spears is
a genius in his field!" Or was it a proctologist? I
always get those mixed up. One of their funniest articles ever,
"To the three Bs -- Bach, Brahms and Beethoven -- you can add a
Fresh from promoting his latest film The Last Samurai, Tom Cruise
has revealed he'd like to play the lead in a Hollywood version of
Marvel comic superhero Iron Man.
- Parody trailer for
Cartoon-character cremation urns: that's gramma and
gramps there, inside Nancy and Sluggo.
Film nudity making a major comeback "The fig leaves are
falling -- in films, TV and seemingly everywhere -- challenging
our blushing views of nudity." Reversing a recent decline in film
nudity, virtually every important end-of-year release had some
nudity: The Human Stain, Cold Mountain, 21 Grams, The Cooler,
Something's Gotta Give, In the Cut, Calendar Girls, House of Sand
and Fog, etc.
ThreepennyReview: David Mamet, Secret Names
More jabs for Tonya Harding, professional boxer. Nancy
Kerrigan wishes there had been "no hitting below the belt" a
Will the French Indict Cheney?: "Yet another sordid
chapter in the murky annals of Halliburton might well lead to the
indictment of Dick Cheney by a French court on charges of bribery,
money-laundering and misuse of corporate assets. " I'd like to see
them serve that subpoena.
Accused child molester Michael Jackson sleeps with children, his
lawyer said last night "The King of Pop grew up in a
large, tight-knit family that shared everything - including beds".
I think Michael's next family also feels the same way.
The voice of terror kingpin Osama Bin Laden surfaced again
yesterday, this time dissing the toppled Saddam Hussein as a
'hireling of America.' Whatever we were payin' that
guy, it was worth it! One thing, though, I don't think his
employment contract had a golden parachute.
The Smoking Gun has the Mouseketeer Annulment
Jim Carrey tops 2003 movie money makers.
A picture of the man who wed Britney Spears
Ninjas step aside - the Nunja is here. Sister Dirty
Mary. "I know what you're thinking. Did she say ten Hail Marys or
only nine? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement,
I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a "throwing
crucifix", the most powerful religious symbol in the world, you've
got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya
- Can you guess the
Motor Trend 2004 Car of the Year?
The Iowa Debate - Highlights and lowlights from Slate Magazine.
Dean on why he won't unseal all his gubernatorial records: "If
somebody is gay and they write me that, and they don't care to
have that information disclosed to the public, that's their
right." Yup - same reason why Cheney won't discuss the energy
meeting - they're all gay.
Chef sues hotel over cut finger: "A chef who cut his
finger is suing a hotel for £25,000 compensation by claiming
no-one warned him about the danger posed by an avocado. "
Latino Review of the script for Be Cool. (That's the
sequel to Get Shorty.)
FreakingNews.com - New Photoshop Contests - "Photoshop the next
mouseketeer marriage which won't last."
FilmJerk.com - The Early Report for this week
Aileen - Life and Death of a Serial Killer. On the
heels of Charlize Theron's Monster, documentarian Nick Broomfield
will release his second film about convicted serial killer Aileen
Warner Bros. Pictures-based John Wells Prods. has optioned the
graphic novel 'Grendel' from its creator, Matt Wagner
Hugh Jackman discusses Van Helsing
Natalie Portman Calls 'Episode III' Showdown 'Pretty Sick'.
And that was just Hayden Christensen delivering his lines. The
fighting was really cool.
7-year-old gets stuck in stuffed animal game machine.
Police and firefighters struggled for an hour to him out, spending
nearly $32.00 in quarters. (With picture)
Pete Rose Admits He Bet On Baseball. My story has
always been this: after he broke the all-time hits record, Pete
was a shoo-in for the hall of fame. The odds were like 50-1 in his
favor. So he bet against himself, and cleaned up. The flaw in my
theory is that if he cleaned up he shouldn't now be autographing
baseballs on street corners.
Commemorative stamps you will never see.
Kinks star shot in New Orleans. Davies was recovering
nicely, and The Kinks plan to use the recuperation time to learn a
fifth guitar chord.
Rush Limbaugh's medical records will remain off-limits to
prosecutors for at least 15 days more while his attorneys pursue
an appeal, or a mysterious fire.
- It's time to look back on
last year's State of the Union address to see how well
the country performed. This has been around for a while, but this
satirical re-cut of the President's speech is quite funny, not so
much for what he says, as for the facial expressions and reactions
from the crowd.
The current administration and its policy of "free speech zones."
This is currently a cause celebre among activists. These
protestors must be seriously dumb, because all they have to do is
to paste a pro-Bush sign on top of their anti-Bush sign, and they
can go anywhere they want, then switch the signs at an opportune
time. In fact, with pro-Bush signs, they will be given official
escorts to highly visible locations! How dumb are these people if
they are outsmarted by Dubya?
Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free
PlayStation 2! Eternal salvation and top-notch gaming -
the ultimate combination.
BRAD Pitt made his wife Jennifer Aniston's ultimate '80s fantasy
come true last week when he dressed up like Duran Duran singer
Simon Le Bon for a costume party, and warbled a karaoke
version of the band's hit, 'Wild Boys.' "
AmIAnnoying.com: their experts pick the 100 most annoying people
or groups of 2003. Their top four: al-Qaeda, Jacko,
Limbaugh, Saddam. Top four females: Martha Stewart, Jillian
Barberie, Courtney Love, J-Lo
AmIAnnoying.com: 100 Most Annoying people as ranked by their
Report Shows Americans Are Getting Away From The Net For Music.
Music downloading has been cut in half since its peak.
- You can actually watch the first six minutes of
In America online at the official site.
- DeVito and Travolta to return for the sequel to Get Shorty,
Be Cool (2004)
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Rare Foreign goodies from LC
Caligula - the Untold Story (1981):
Another Joe D'Amato masterpiece
Jeux d'Enfants (2003)
Brainscan's words and pictures:
- A quick VHS snap of Lisa
Comshaw, Petra Verkaik, and Carrie Westcott in Centerfold Fantasies
- While I'm at it, here are some more VHS caps of non-Hefmate babes. We got
Peggy Trentini in Young
Doctors in Love, Anitra Ford
in Stacey and Pamela Runo
in Sins of Desire.
- Last up are a few collages from the DVD of Out Cold.(2001). In one mildly
amusing scene one of our heroes deposits himself on a gondola and pretends he
is there to rescue a group of stranded "Solid Gold Dancers." How to affect
the rescue? Why, have the
girls take off their tops, of course. This was supposed to be a teaser-only
scene but breasts from three women managed to see the light of the camera.
- In the first collage,
a few of the babes I recognize are indicated (Odessa Munroe?!). The girl in
back, allowing her hooties to escape is Hefmag model, Christine Caux.
- I could not identify the redhead, which is too bad because a bit later,
for one frame, you catch a glimpse of one of her breasts. That's in the
- Third collage has
a brunette coming oh so close to showing more than she might have intended.
Oh well, odd stuff. It kept me amused for a little while.
As a thank you for your kind words concerning my contributions to the
Fun House over these last few weeks I'd like to offer up these dozen files of
Jeannie Bell from the movie "TNT Jackson".
Jeannie Bell (1,
Some good stuff in here today
- Sexy, adorable
Kirsten Dunst in public without her bra, in a near see-through.
- Anne Hathaway in much more
than a near see-through.
- Gorgeous Ludivine Sagnier, star of
The Swimming Pool, in La Petite Lili
Alexa Davalos in "And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself"
- Rose Bryne in "The Goddess
- Julia-Louis Dreyfus
showing off her bra, in
the pilot for "Watching Ellie"
- Julia-Louis Dreyfus in the famous
Seinfeld breast escape that she talked about on Arsenio
- Sally Kirkland in
- Sharon Stone's big
butt in The Muse
- Singer Pink, back when her bum
was small enough to film without a wide-angle lens
- Singer Billie Piper,
topless paparazzi shots, from yesterday's edition of The People (a British
- Tiffany Thiessen, back
was she was skinny and flat-chested, wearing a one piece swimsuit in Saved by the Bell. The pictures also
include our perennial Fun House favorite, the immortal Mr Belding. (Dennis
Haskins. I would have said "aka Dennis Haskins", except that nobody actually
knows him as Dennis Haskins.)
- Jasmine St Clair and Holly Thompson in Voyeur: Sexual Benefits (1,
Pat Reeder: The Comedy Wire
Pat's comments in
BRITNEY SPEARS GETS "MARRIED"
It Was GOLD, Jerry! -
Britney Spears reportedly married Jason Allen Alexander, a childhood friend
she'd recently hooked up with again. The two were partying at bars in Las Vegas
early Saturday morning when they went to a wedding chapel, then went back to
Spears' luxury hotel suite for a honeymoon. But People.com quotes a source
close to Britney as saying that the wedding was a joke that got out of hand and
will quickly be annulled.
* That's why her wedding march was "Oops, I Did It
* Guess she's lucky she didn't end up married to Madonna.
* So he got to have a honeymoon with a ditzy blonde pop star, but he doesn't
have to stay married to her? Nick Lachey is SO jealous!
* It's not a real wedding because she lip-synched the vows.
* Britney refuses to have sex outside marriage, so she'll just marry every guy
she has sex with.
For the past 12 years, Brasstown, North Carolina, has ushered in the New Year
with a Possum Drop. A live possum in a Plexiglass cage is lowered from
the roof of a gas station at midnight. But not this year: just hours before the
celebration, a national animal rights group called organizer Clay Logan and
threatened to sue for animal cruelty, so Logan was forced to find a roadkill
possum and lower that. Locals accused the big city busybodies of ruining their
tradition. One said, "Hell of a way to start the new year, saluting a dead
* Everyone knows the only way to start a new year is by saluting a live possum!
* Hell of a way for the possum, too.
* On the bright side, this year, they also made it a barbecue.
* The roadkill possum actually was their original possum: the activists had
demanded they release it.
* Next year, they'll celebrate by dropping an animal rights activist off the
SINGING LESBIANS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
Strange Bedfellows - The two teenaged lesbian singers from the Russian pop group
Tatu announced that they plan to challenge Vladimir Putin by running for joint
president of Russia. Their spokeswoman said, "They are running together. We
cannot separate the girls." She also said that while the minimum age is 35,
they think they qualify because their combined age is 37.
* And their combined I.Q. is slightly above average.
* Why didn't they run for governor of California when they had the chance?
* If they win, C-SPAN will have more teenage male viewers than MTV...And Bill
Clinton will beg Bush to appoint him ambassador to Russia.
WORST SCREEN LOVERS OF ALL TIME
Crap Out - In a poll by Film magazine, readers chose Sharon Stone and Joe Pesci
in "Casino" as the worst screen lovers ever. In second place were Sean Connery
and Catherine Zeta-Jones in "Entrapment," followed by Marlon Brando buttering
Maria Schneider in "Last Tango in Paris" and Madonna and Willem Defoe pouring
hot candle wax on each other in "Body of Evidence." One reader called the
Pesci-Stone sex scene "repulsive" and compared it to watching a Munchkin take a
shot at Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz."
* That reader: Sharon Stone.
* Thank God they cut that scene out of "The Wizard of Oz."
* Actually, Pesci naked looks more like a flying monkey.
* Today, Marlon Brando skips the sex and just eats the butter.
* Defoe just wanted to wax off Madonna's body hair before he boinked her.
* Catherine Zeta-Jones having sex with a man old enough to be her father?! How
does Hollywood think up these repulsive ideas?!
Scoop's note: the voters obviously never saw
Mr Miyagi's sex scene in "Do or Die".
(Near the bottom of the page.P