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Kissed (1995)
I think I can say without any hesitation that Kissed is the
Citizen Kane of corpse-fuckin' films. Not only that, but it is the
only necrophilia film I can name in which the corpses are male! A
Canadian film based on "We So Seldom Look On Love" by Canadian
author Barbara Gowdy, it treats a woman's necrophilia not only as an
obsession, but as sheer lyric poetry, and as transcendence, perhaps
the only way a live person can experience the sheer bliss of
"crossing over." The lead character says, "It's like looking into
the sun without going blind. I'm consumed." This is not a movie
about fucking corpses, but about loving them romantically.
Isn't it necromantic?
On the other hand, Canada is a very cold country. Maybe they cuddle up to
a corpse for warmth.
The film begins as Sandra Larson looks back on her childhood and says,
"I've always been fascinated by death. The feel of it, the smell of it, the
quietness of it," and the flashbacks begin. When other girls are first
sticking their tongues in boys' mouths, Sandra is first sticking her tongue
into the vital organs of dead birds. When other girls are masturbating to
posters of rock stars, Sandra masturbates by rubbing dead animals on her
thighs. When she is finished with the dead critters, she buries them, then
strips down and does the traditional ceremonial death dance in their honor. I
guess that "dance" is the right word, although it basically just consists of
spinning around in circles while wearing underpants.
I think you have the idea. If not, let's just say this girl loves death so
much that she makes Jim Morrison seems as life-embracing as Zorba the Greek.
Say, boys and girls, can you guess where she chooses to work when she
grows up? I knew that you could. Can you guess what she does with the bodies?
If you can't, give further consideration to the word "stiff." Of course,
before she actually climbs onboard, or perhaps the two word version "on
board" would be more appropriate here, she once again performs the ceremonial
underpants dance. Childhood habits are difficult to break.
The dramatic tension in the film comes when a medical student falls in
love with her, then figures out all her secrets. He's not scared or repulsed
by her necrophilia, but since corpse-fuckin' is the only thing that turns her
on, he is very confused about how he can become a sexual partner capable of
gratifying her.
SPOILER
He figures it out.
END SPOILER
You will probably be surprised to hear that this obscure film which
appeared on eight screens has attracted 47 comments and nearly a thousand
votes at IMDb. You may also be surprised to hear that 80% of the voters have
scored it a six or higher, and that there are very few ones. I suppose that
means that the film is rarely seen by anyone likely to be repulsed by the
subject matter. Because it makes no secret of the fact that it is about
necrophilia, the people who seek out and watch this film are probably likely
to approach it with an open mind.
For what it's worth, I have to admit that I may be more closed-minded than
those reviewers and IMDb commenters who praised this film. I did, in fact,
find that the subject matter was too unpleasant for me to enjoy the
experience of watching this film in any way. Moreover, I found the lofty
treatment and whispered lyrical narration to be unrelentingly pretentious.
The Animal (2001)
No problem with pretentiousness in this film. The Animal is a Rob
Schneider film about a guy who is in a severe
auto crash and whose body must thereafter be rebuilt with animal
parts. This causes him to develop some animal abilities that make him
less of a loser. Sorta. This basic stew follows the usual recipe
for movies featuring David Spade, Adam Sandler, or Rob Schneider.
The loser somehow
triumphs over the cooler, tougher guys, and gets the girl. That is their formula, and they aren't messin' with it. That's OK,
I guess, but they need to hire some new writers, because they seem to
be burnt out on ways to re-work that template. Joe Dirt seemed to
represent the nadir of Team Sandler's school of loser comedy, but now
that I've seen The Animal, Joe
Dirt seems wittier than Duck Soup. Joe Dirt had some
moments of inspired surreal lunacy, and it had Dennis Miller to provide a
Greek Chorus to comment on the proceedings. Lacking any such wild
invention or Miller's detached, cynical perspective on the corny
goings-on, The Animal ends up being sappy juvenilia from start to finish.
That's a shame, because Schneider really does a good job at playing
the lovable loser character, and The Animal is kind of a sweet-natured
movie, but I didn't think
there was one genuinely funny moment in the entire 84 minutes, and I
can't even remember any of the gags, although I just finished watching
it a minute before I started typing this page. On the other hand, my
lack of appreciation for the film's humor may be directly correlated
to the fact that I'm not ten years old. The Animal is fundamentally a
kids' movie, the latest stage in the evolution of those gimmicky
Disney films from years back. You remember the ones I'm talkin' about,
the ones where the loveable terminal loser
somehow acquires some superhuman power or characteristics, ala Son of Flubber. The
attempted humor in those films always seemed to be aimed at pre-teen
boys, which seemed pretty cool when I was in 5th grade, and it seems
to me that the only real difference between those movies and this 2001
update is that The Animal adds some raunchy R-rated antics and
innuendos, like animal sex jokes and some brief nudity in the
"unrated" version.
Why does it seem that The Shaggy Dog of today is so much raunchier
than yesterday's version? I'm not sure. Perhaps we live in a jaded,
sex-saturated world in which today's ten year olds are really into
jokes about goat-fucking. Or maybe I have a hazy recollection of what
I was like at ten, and I was really into goat-fucking back then. Or
perhaps I am wrong about what it was like in 1959 because I was just
too dumb and unsophisticated to figure out when the Tommy Kirk
Sheepdog was in danger of getting it doggie-style.
Maybe.
Or maybe this film just got confused about exactly which audience
it was targeting.
There is now an "uncut" DVD. The good news is that there is some nudity in the
uncut version. The bad news is that it is still a Rob Schneider movie.
Berglind Icey
Unknown
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'Caps and comments by Oz:
"Hollywood Hidden Lives"
Starting with a couple of formulaic soft core films we have Hollywood Hidden Lives (2001). The usual nakedness, this time by Kimberlee Castaic, Nina Ferrari, Naked Nicole, Teanna Kai, Mia Smiles, Angela Davies, Dee Summer and Diana Espen (she of the many names - but why??).
Nina Ferrari
Naked Nicole
Teanna Kai
Mia Smiles
Angela Davies
Dee Summer
Diana Espen
"The Big Hustle"
It's the same again with The Big Hustle (1999). The naked ladies are Kim Dawson, Regina Russell, LoriDawn Messuri, Dian Miller, Keri Marrone and some unidentified women.
Keri Marrone
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