Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Kissed (1995)

I think I can say without any hesitation that Kissed is the Citizen Kane of corpse-fuckin' films. Not only that, but it is the only necrophilia film I can name in which the corpses are male! A Canadian film based on "We So Seldom Look On Love" by Canadian author Barbara Gowdy, it treats a woman's necrophilia not only as an obsession, but as sheer lyric poetry, and as transcendence, perhaps the only way a live person can experience the sheer bliss of "crossing over." The lead character says, "It's like looking into the sun without going blind. I'm consumed." This is not a movie about fucking corpses, but about loving them romantically.

Isn't it necromantic?

On the other hand, Canada is a very cold country. Maybe they cuddle up to a corpse for warmth.

The film begins as Sandra Larson looks back on her childhood and says, "I've always been fascinated by death. The feel of it, the smell of it, the quietness of it," and the flashbacks begin. When other girls are first sticking their tongues in boys' mouths, Sandra is first sticking her tongue into the vital organs of dead birds. When other girls are masturbating to posters of rock stars, Sandra masturbates by rubbing dead animals on her thighs. When she is finished with the dead critters, she buries them, then strips down and does the traditional ceremonial death dance in their honor. I guess that "dance" is the right word, although it basically just consists of spinning around in circles while wearing underpants.

I think you have the idea. If not, let's just say this girl loves death so much that she makes Jim Morrison seems as life-embracing as Zorba the Greek.

Say, boys and girls, can you guess where she chooses to work when she grows up? I knew that you could. Can you guess what she does with the bodies? If you can't, give further consideration to the word "stiff." Of course, before she actually climbs onboard, or perhaps the two word version "on board" would be more appropriate here, she once again performs the ceremonial underpants dance. Childhood habits are difficult to break.

The dramatic tension in the film comes when a medical student falls in love with her, then figures out all her secrets. He's not scared or repulsed by her necrophilia, but since corpse-fuckin' is the only thing that turns her on, he is very confused about how he can become a sexual partner capable of gratifying her.


He figures it out.


You will probably be surprised to hear that this obscure film which appeared on eight screens has attracted 47 comments and nearly a thousand votes at IMDb. You may also be surprised to hear that 80% of the voters have scored it a six or higher, and that there are very few ones. I suppose that means that the film is rarely seen by anyone likely to be repulsed by the subject matter. Because it makes no secret of the fact that it is about necrophilia, the people who seek out and watch this film are probably likely to approach it with an open mind.

For what it's worth, I have to admit that I may be more closed-minded than those reviewers and IMDb commenters who praised this film. I did, in fact, find that the subject matter was too unpleasant for me to enjoy the experience of watching this film in any way. Moreover, I found the lofty treatment and whispered lyrical narration to be unrelentingly pretentious.

Molly Parker

The Animal (2001)

No problem with pretentiousness in this film. The Animal is a Rob Schneider film about a guy who is in a severe auto crash and whose body must thereafter be rebuilt with animal parts. This causes him to develop some animal abilities that make him less of a loser. Sorta. This basic stew follows the usual recipe for movies featuring David Spade, Adam Sandler, or Rob Schneider. The loser somehow triumphs over the cooler, tougher guys, and gets the girl. That is their formula, and they aren't messin' with it. That's OK, I guess, but they need to hire some new writers, because they seem to be burnt out on ways to re-work that template. Joe Dirt seemed to represent the nadir of Team Sandler's school of loser comedy, but now that  I've seen The Animal, Joe Dirt seems wittier than Duck Soup.  Joe Dirt had some moments of inspired surreal lunacy, and it had Dennis Miller to provide a Greek Chorus to comment on the proceedings. Lacking any such wild invention or Miller's detached, cynical perspective on the corny goings-on, The Animal ends up being sappy juvenilia from start to finish.

That's a shame, because Schneider really does a good job at playing the lovable loser character, and The Animal is kind of a sweet-natured movie, but I didn't think there was one genuinely funny moment in the entire 84 minutes, and I can't even remember any of the gags, although I just finished watching it a minute before I started typing this page. On the other hand, my lack of appreciation for the film's humor may be directly correlated to the fact that I'm not ten years old. The Animal is fundamentally a kids' movie, the latest stage in the evolution of those gimmicky Disney films from years back. You remember the ones I'm talkin' about, the ones where the loveable terminal loser somehow acquires some superhuman power or characteristics, ala Son of Flubber. The attempted humor in those films always seemed to be aimed at pre-teen boys, which seemed pretty cool when I was in 5th grade, and it seems to me that the only real difference between those movies and this 2001 update is that The Animal adds some raunchy R-rated antics and innuendos, like animal sex jokes and some brief nudity in the "unrated" version.

Why does it seem that The Shaggy Dog of today is so much raunchier than yesterday's version? I'm not sure. Perhaps we live in a jaded, sex-saturated world in which today's ten year olds are really into jokes about goat-fucking. Or maybe I have a hazy recollection of what I was like at ten, and I was really into goat-fucking back then. Or perhaps I am wrong about what it was like in 1959 because I was just too dumb and unsophisticated to figure out when the Tommy Kirk Sheepdog was in danger of getting it doggie-style.


Or maybe this film just got confused about exactly which audience it was targeting.

There is now an "uncut" DVD. The good news is that there is some nudity in the uncut version. The bad news is that it is still a Rob Schneider movie.

Berglind Icey


'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today is another "Hankster Light" day.

From "National Lampoon's Going the Distance".

First up we have Katheryn Winnick. Look closely at cap #1 for a partially exposed breast. In the rest she shows off some nice leg in short skirt views.

Katheryn Winnick

Next up is Kimberley Warnat, boobies exposed as she gets some help putting on her bikini top.

Kimberley Warnat

Then its Mayko Nguyen, suggestively sucking a popsicle, and later showing a bit o' breast while in the water.

Mayko Nguyen

Next, two girls with cleavage: Kate Luyben & Crystal Lowe.

Kate Luyben

Crystal Lowe

Wrapping it up, we have some more lovely cleavage from the star, Joanna Kelly. -How come the star never gets naked?!?

Joanna Kelly

Here is Former Miss USA (1996) and the woman who will probably always be known as "The Doritos Babe", Ali Landry wearing nothing but bikinis and suds in scenes from "Who's Your Daddy?".

If ever there were a cute blonde actress that needed to get topless, I think it's Marne Patterson. If nothing else, this first image is a serious contender for "Best...Cleavage...Ever". She is topless in a love scene, but her hair is annoyingly covering anything we want to see.

From the excellent college comedy "Van Wilder", here is the beautiful Ivana Bozilovic going topless.

Also from "Van Wilder", here is the topless tutor as played by Jesse Capelli

Scorpion's Skinemax
Here is Amy Rochelle baring breasts, plus just a hint of pubes and a little rear nudity too in scenes from "Secret Games II (The Escort)" (1993).

Here is "Alfie" star Sienna Miller looking very sexy in black lingerie in scenes from the UK movie "Layer Cake".

A few more 'caps from "Secret Games II (The Escort)". Here is Sara Suzanne Brown showing off her robo-goodies and bit of pubes.

Anne Saxon, toplessness and rear views in scenes from her one and only film credit, "The Sister-in-Law" (1974).

Here is little knowm, but very well built B-movie and TV actress Felicity Waterman, topless in scenes from 1994's "Unlawful Passage". This puppy is only available on VHS, so kudos to Scorpion for the quality of these 'caps.

Here is former Heffer o' the Year (1986) Kathy Shower showing off her perfectly installed implants in scenes from "Erotic Boundaries" (1997)

Here is long time Fun House favorite and legendary Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley. Today we see her in all her glory in "Witchtrap" (1989).

'Caps and comments by Oz:

"Hollywood Hidden Lives"
Starting with a couple of formulaic soft core films we have Hollywood Hidden Lives (2001). The usual nakedness, this time by Kimberlee Castaic, Nina Ferrari, Naked Nicole, Teanna Kai, Mia Smiles, Angela Davies, Dee Summer and Diana Espen (she of the many names - but why??).

Kimberlee Castaic

Nina Ferrari

Naked Nicole

Teanna Kai

Mia Smiles

Angela Davies

Dee Summer

Diana Espen

"The Big Hustle"
It's the same again with The Big Hustle (1999). The naked ladies are Kim Dawson, Regina Russell, LoriDawn Messuri, Dian Miller, Keri Marrone and some unidentified women.

Kim Dawson

Regina Russell

LoriDawn Messuri

Dian Miller

Keri Marrone


Here is the beautiful and naturally busty Italian actress Sonia Aquino showing off her amazing breasts in scenes from "Signora" (only available on DVD it Italy).

Some folks may recognize her from her portrayal as Sophia Loren in the made for HBO movie "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers".

Here is "Six Feet Under" star Rachel Griffiths fully nude and fuly covered in body paint in scenes from the UK comedy, "Blow Dry". Written by the same guy that wrote "The Full Monty", it's a very nice little flick with strong performances by Alan Rickman, Natasha Richardson, and the current British king of scene stealing, Bill Nighy. Although fair warning, for some reason they cast Josh Hartnett to play a Brit. Hartnett's accent is so horrible that it takes me back to Costner's Robin Hood and want to say "Costner is that British actor who just happens to be good at American accents".

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

What the Funk? Your more gullible friends may fall for this card trick from Wrestling Legend Dory Funk

Something Awful: "the crazier shit to come out of the Second World War."

Dave Barry chosen as one of Miami's most prominent black businesswomen. Word.

B-list celebrities rip on Pamela Anderson during her roast on Comedy Central.

Tommy Lee Roasts Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central.

Some pics from Volver, Almodovar's new movie.

William Topaz McGonagall - the worst poet ever?

Hunter Thompson Ashes Set to Blast Off From Massive Tower

Daily Box Office - Friday, August 19. The 40 Year Old Virgin and Red Eye easily took the 1-2 slots. Valiant was a disappointing sixth, but that's the kind of film that will do better on Saturday and Sunday than on a Friday night.

I have to be honest and say that I could have easily made it through life without seeing :: XXX Tom - the Tom Sizemore sex tape::. I wonder if Rob Schneider has one of these.


Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

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