Seksmisja (1984), or Sexmission, is a Comedy, Action, Sci Fi post apocalyptic film from Poland. Two men, one a reserved scientist, the other an opportunist wanting to gain fame and escape his wife and family, agree to go into hibernation for three years. They wake up to discover that many more than three years have gone by, that they are held prisoner by all the blondes in the world in a matriarchal society, and that they are the last men on earth. They gradually become aware that their masculinity, if not their lives, are in serious danger. The underground world is not without conflict, as the archeologists and the geneticists do not get along at all, and both want control over the "males." The only women old enough to remember men have been locked up in rest home cells, and the women of the society have been taught a revisionist history that has men as entirely evil people. They have also determined that all of the great scientists were women.

The entire running time is liberally sprinkled with naked women. The two leads, Bozena Stryjkówna and Boguslawa Pawelec, one a geneticist, the other archeologist, show breasts. IMDb has this at 7.7 of 10. There is good reason. The acting is wonderful, the women are beautiful, there is enough plot to fill the 120 minute running time, and there are some very nice plot twists. It is also a whole lot of fun. The fullscreen transfer is very nice, and the English subtitles can be turned off. In other words, a good job on a very good film. Unless you just can't tolerate subtitles, you should enjoy this one. B-.

Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

Splitting Heirs (1993):

Eric Idle wrote this lightweight comedy about a working class guy who discovers late in life that he is the real Duke of Bournemouth. For some reason, it never dawned on him that he wasn't really from an Indian family, even though he had blond hair and blue eyes. (Idle himself played the part).

Of course, he could hardly be blamed for not noticing that, since there were even more obviously false things in his world which were not false at all.

• In order for the character to be the rightful Duke, the Idle character has to have been born on the same day as the Rick Moranis character, who is playing the American currently believed to be the rightful Duke. You can understand how Idle might have missed this point since he was born in 1943 while Moranis was born in 1954. Idle was 50 in this film. Moranis was 39, and looked much younger.

• The rightful duke would have to be Barbara Hershey's son. I can see why Idle might have missed this point as well, given that he is five years older than his "mom" (Hershey).

Idle starts out resentful of Moranis's privileged life, but the two of them eventually bond, at which point they have to team up to defeat an evil lawyer (John Cleese) who hopes to profit from Idle's claim to the dukedom. The barrister reasons that the House of Lords would be much more likely to approve Idle's claim if Moranis were dead, since there is no other claimant and the lords abhor vacant dukedoms. Certain in that belief, Cleese sets about to attend to the matter of reducing the number of claimants.

The film is boring and predictable, and there are very few funny lines. The situations are only sporadically funny, and a lot of the funniest material seems to be ... um ... derivative. In other words, you've seen it all before. It does have moments (the intro is quite funny, as it the "Hindu dream sequence", for example), but it represents a great disappointment from a dual-Python project.

• Louise Downey (1, 2, 3)

• Catherine Zeta Jones (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Madhouse (2004):

Here's the review

This is not an extremely good movie at all. In fact, I ragged on its ass in my review (linked above, with pictures and all)

BUT ... it wasn't so far off.

This kid, William Butler, an actor turned director,  might make some good genre pictures some day. Perhaps soon.

• Jordan Ladd

• Natasha Lyonne (boy is her career soarin')

• some naked masturbatin' and fuckin; Romanian chick (1, 2)

From my mailbox:

Other Crap:

• The child molestation trial of Michael Jackson took a stunning turn today as the singer's attorney claimed that Jacko's crimes were actually perpetrated by his look-alike on E! Entertainment Television's trial reenactments. (Borowitz)
• After two years, Kobe Bryant settles civil suit, terms not disclosed
• Actress Denise Richards has filed for divorce from her actor-husband Charlie Sheen, citing irreconcilable differences, according to court papers filed Wednesday. Richards is six months pregnant with the couple's second child. They also have a daughter, Sam, who will be a year old next week."
• Prepare for future editions of Trivial Pursuit: "Nice work today" - those were the last words uttered by Sgt. Sipowicz, one of TV's most unforgettable characters, as 'NYPD Blue' ended its long, remarkable run.
• Rock the Canvas - match the painting to the rock star who painted it.
• It's good to see that Li'l' Kim dressed up all dignified for court.
• TV preview: pilots, pilots, and more pilots.
• The photography of Roman Loranc
• Ten complete years of Calvin and Hobbes
• As the Michael Jackson trial begins, the news media circus bravely analyzes the news media circus, and the Daily Show creates a circus about that circus analyzing the circus.
• The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert reports on fashion at The Oscars
• Former ambassador Nancy Soderberg talks to Jon Stewart about recent events in the Middle East.
• Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson talks to Jon about the joys of being nicknamed by George W.
• The Daily Show looks at Lebanon. "Democracy may have been only fourth on the list of why we went to war, but it's apparently been fruitful."
• The Daily Show's Samantha Bee profiles two rabble rousers who are fighting the system - one lawyer joke at a time.
• Cool site if you like the essence of "Pulp": Real Pulp Weekly
• A special six minute trailer from Steamboy
  • "A retro science-fiction epic set in Victorian England, 'Steamboy' features an inventor prodigy named Ra Stim who receives a mysterious metal ball containing a new form of energy capable of powering an entire nation. This young boy must use it to fight evil, redeem his family, and save London from destruction. The lush Victorian interiors and the elegance of the era's mechanical design allows Otomo to create dazzling visual backgrounds and machines for this film. With more than 180,000 drawings and 400 CG cuts, 'Steamboy' is sure to be one of the most elaborate animated features of 2005."
• The trailer for a new film from the UK, Mickybo and Me.
  • Set in a divided Belfast in 1970, this is the story of two boys whose friendship breaks down the barriers. Based on Owen McCafferty's acclaimed play, it tells the tale of two kindred spirits obsessed with "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and how this infatuation leads them from fantasies into petty crime. They become their heroes and gain the courage to escape to try and escape to the barren Australian outback. From the makers of "About a Boy" and "Billy Elliot" comes a truly original comedy.
• The trailer for a new indie comedy called Funny Ha Ha
  • "Marnie just graduated from college, drinks likes she's still in school, is looking for a temp job but a permanent boyfriend. She loves a guy who doesn't love her, ping-pongs between awkward romantic alternatives, and even less suitable jobs. 'Funny Ha Ha' paints a portrait of Marnie that captures the aimless, stop and go rhythms of a young slacker's life."
• The trailer for One Night With the King
  • "An epic motion picture, starring old Hollywood royalty, set in an imaginative world of adventure, intrigue and romance, One Night With the King follows a young girl who rises from peasant to princess by going against the culture and seeking the King's heart rather than the riches of the kingdom.
• What the hell is the deal behind Diary of a Mad Black Woman?
• On Thursday, March 10th at 9 p.m., during 'The O.C.', FOX will air the Episode III trailer. Subscribers to AOL will be able to see the trailer after the broadcast. I suppose it will be everywhere about two minutes later.
• The headline of the day comes from the AP. "Nude man covered in nachos gets probation" - and a tangy cheese sauce!
• Martha Stewart racked up three Daytime Emmy noms even though she hasn't graced the small screen in several months.
• Weekly World News: "CELEBRITY HUNK INSURES HIS CHEST HAIR FOR $1 MILLION"
• Letterman's Top Ten Other Changes At CNN
• A dad accused of stealing salad from a Chuck E. Cheese salad bar was subdued with a Taser stun gun.
  • Officers said that "proper procedures were followed." Fair enough. I'm sure the police handbook in Aurora Colorado is very specific about handling people who take too many damned olives at a salad bar. In fact, there are separate guidelines for regular restaurants and those with animated characters.
  • Oh, sure, the officers may have scared the hell out of a room full of tykes for a couple of bucks worth of salad, but that's not the best part of the story. The truly amazing thing about this story is that the policemen continue to stick to their fabricated story despite the fact that they were manhandling the guy in front of a packed restaurant full of witnesses!! What's more, the official police spokesman compounds the problem by using phrases like "according to witnesses", when the witnesses interviewed by media say the exact opposite of what he claims! Now THAT'S proper procedure, namely "deny everything."
  • Oh, well, they did the guy a favor, I guess. That's the way our country works. Instead of a free salad, he will end up winning a multi-million dollar lawsuit and being a talk show guest. Doesn't work out too well for the taxpayers of Aurora, however.
• Internet fame is a cruel mistress for a Numa-Numa dancer
• All male humans are stupid. Dutchmen are male humans. Therefore ...
• A majority of Americans disapprove of the way the President is handling Social Security
• The trailer from Smile
  • "Katie, a teenage girl from Malibu, California, finds herself in the throes of growing up, facing her parents, her boyfriends, her sexuality and a very privileged life. Half a world away in rural, China, Lin, born on the same day as Katie, faces a much different reality. Because of a severe facial deformity, she lives a life of fear and shame. Her father, Daniel, has devoted his life to her, with hopes and dreams that her circumstances will change one day. The opportunity comes with the discovery of the worldwide 'Doctor's Gift' program. Katie volunteers and comes to China. Once there, she is deeply touched by the work, which prompts her to take off on her own to find Lin. A 'smile' is brought to Lin's face, Katie finds her soul and their extraordinary connection becomes a life-changing experience for both girls."
• Jordan did the pregnancy test 9 times, is now worried that she doesn't have enough milk for nine babies.
• Gisele Bundchen provides incisive analysis of Best Actor Award: Leo deserved to win Oscar: "I was like, 'He did a better job!''"

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s

The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s

Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.

Who has the best bum in Hollywood?

Email Scoopy Jr. with nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today the Ghost takes a look at the 1993 flick "Married People, Single Sex". Part soft-core, part pseudo-documentary about three couples and their marital difficulties and extra-marital affairs.

• "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" babe Chase Masterson in her undies.
• Chase Masterson (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2)

• Darla Haun (aka Darla Slavens). Here we see the actress and infomercial spokesperson going topless, frontal and playing with a vibrator. (1, 2, 3)
• Darla Haun (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2, 3)

• Shelley Michelle, the busty B-babe and professional body double (for Kim Basinger, Julia Roberts, Claudia Christian, Barbra Streisand). Here she is topless and showing some brief thong views while doing some stripping. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Shelley Michelle (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2)

• Teri Thompson briefly baring breats and bum in two scenes. (1, 2, 3)
• Teri Thompson (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2)

• Unknown strippers doing what they do (zipped .wmv)

• B-babe and radio personality Wendi Westbrook going topless. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Wendi Westbrook (zipped .wmvs). Clip #3 also shows some pubes. (1, 2, 3)

ANNA NICOLE, GOODWILL AMBASSADOR
Yahoo Serious Wasn't Available? - Anna Nicole Smith was paid $100,000 to appear at an Oscar-watching party in Paddington, Australia. When she got off the plane, she declared that Australia was "the most prettiest country I have ever been to," then asked, "Where are the damn f---ing kangaroos?"