The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie (2004) is a Fred Onlin Ray erotic farce inspired by the I Dream of Jeannie TV show. He never believed a red blooded American male would refuse sex with Jeannie, and foxes that here. Jeannie was played by porn actress Nicole Sheridan, who, it turns out, can act. I found myself bored to tears during the seemingly endless simulated sex scenes, but really enjoying the few moments of plot and dialogue. Jeannie and her male counterpart were banished to containers in Moronico for having sex. Years centuries later, they are discovered by an Army major. He releases Jeannie, and his fiancee's girlfriend releases the male genie.

The girlfriend (Kennedy Johnston) is really after his money and is in a lesbian relationship with her roommate (Beverly Lynne). She tries to hide Jeannie and her bottle, but Jeannie escapes, and, after an episode with a dominatrix ( Dolorian), comes back to save the day. Dolorian and Lynne show breasts and buns, Johnston gives a 3 B performance, and Sheridan shows everything including open crotch shots.

IMDb has not yet heard of this masterpiece. Ray wrote this in three days, and shot it and another film, using the same actors, in one week. The DVD includes a feature length commentary with Ray and his wife. As a skinemax erotic farce, this one is very good, with all of the girl/girl/guy pairings possible, and lots of nudity, and hence a C+. I wish Ray had taken twice the budget, spent two weeks, and developed this as a comedy. What humor was there was very funny, and all of the cast were good enough to carry it off.

Last Rites (1988):

COMPLETE SPOILERS:

Could there be any more irritating thriller device than this ...

One character says to another. "I just can't believe that your running into me was a coincidence. I'm not stupid."  Then the first character, a male (in this case a priest), falls for the second character (a gorgeous dancer), and forgets about the perfectly sound logic that led him to make that statement in the first place.

It is galling to me that the author actually knew the biggest plot hole and, instead of changing it to something more believable, actually inserted the criticism into the script, turning one of the characters into a movie critic!

The precise situation in question was this. A woman who had witnessed a murder went to confession, and it just so happened that the priest was (1) the best friend of the murder victim (2) the brother of the murderess! I suppose by having the priest say "of all the confessionals in all the cities in all the world, she had to walk into mine", the director was trying to defuse a situation which could lead to some ugly comments, but he failed. Roger Ebert made all the expected ugly comments anyway, then proceeded to give the film a perfect score of NO stars.

As it probably deserved.

Roger Ebert also seemed to be offended by the cavalier way in which the film used a priest's sexual indiscretions to advance the plot. I suppose that point must have seemed more important and more offensive in 1988, when Ebert wrote his review. Now it seems that the Church would probably be relieved that the priest's indiscretions involved a willing adult female. (On the other hand, the dialogue also implies that the priest, when a young man, lost his virginity to his evil Mafia sister. I know that the Lord is all-forgiving, and that many priests must have pre-vow dirty laundry, but I suppose the Church still might be concerned about a film which portrays a priest having committed incest with his murderous teenage sister, even if it did happen before he took his vows.)

There was actually one more plot hole as well - in fact, a very similar one - that bothered me even more than the one I described above. After the fortuitous confession, the woman agrees to meet with the priest. She does not show up for their assignation, but a taxi driver shows up and brings the priest to the dancer. It turns out that the impoverished dancer is living in a very nice artist's garret which is accented by many beautiful naked paintings of her, pictures in the colorful Mexican style, which encompass her entire life from her puberty in Mexico to the present day in New York. The artist and the dancer are living together in New York, and are from the same village in Mexico. Logically enough, the priest asks her if the artist is her lover, and she refuses to answer. He then mutters some movie cliché like "if I'm going to help you, I need to ask some hard questions." Yes, all that is true, but he never does get the answer to that question, because if he had, there would have been no movie!!! The artist remains unseen through another 65 minutes of plot twists that lead to the very Mexican village where the artist and his model grew up.

Once again, the priest sees the plot hole, and asks the right question, but ignores it. (Meaning, of course, that the scriptwriter did the same.) The priest never does follow up on that question. He never does ask her why she needs a priest to take her back to her village when she is living with a famous artist from that very village. Now does it take a genius to figure out that the artist must figure into the plot in some unmentioned way? If you really watch a lot of these films, you might also figure out that the amazingly well-informed taxi driver is more than he is pretending to be, particularly after he conveniently fills in some missing plot exposition by giving the priest a biography of the dancer, as the two men talk during the long ride from the cathedral to the garret.

Why, it almost seems that that the taxi driver might even be from the same part of Mexico, in fact that he might know the dancer very well  ... say, you don't think?  ... NAH!!

I have no trouble forgiving a scriptwriter for missing some details in a noir thriller. Raymond Chandler was probably the all-time greatest writer of these types of stories, and even the great Chandler screwed up some stuff in The Big Sleep so badly that he couldn't remember who killed one of the characters when he was asked that question by the director. To make matters worse, he still couldn't figure it out when he re-read his own story! Let's face it, it is very, very difficult to write these stories, and the authors will make errors. That I can understand and forgive. What tests my patience beyond the breaking point, however, is when the author obviously knows he has two plot holes and tries to bullshit around them instead of simply fixing them. That's just sloppy.

In addition to logical gaps, the film has also all sorts of editing and scripting failures. Characters are dropped. Situations are resolved without explanation. In one scene, Daphne Zuniga goes from having a towel wrapped around her, to reaching up for the towel, and back to having the towel wrapped around her. The editor simply inserted some footage into the wrong place, and nobody noticed.

And you are just not going to believe Daphne Zuniga's on-again off-again Mexican accent. Although she looks like she might be a beautiful (albeit exceptionally tall) Mexican woman, and her father is Guatemalan so she may even speak Spanish, she was born and raised in California, and that is obvious in the way she speaks English. Ms. Zuniga is stunningly beautiful, and her acting for the most part is workmanlike, but accents are obviously not her thing.

It's a very sloppy movie, in very many ways, and you probably want to skip it unless you are really a genre nut.

• Daphne Zuniga (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) . Now in her forties and still beautiful, Daphne is now insisting that she will not do nudity, and has always been too shy to do nude scenes. While it is obvious that some of the nudity in this film could have been done by body doubles (the last two collages and a shower scene not shown here), it is equally obvious that some of it was done by Zuniga (the other collages). I mean there is her face and there are her naughty bits (breasts and pubic area), all in the same shot. I would sure as hell like to hear her explanation for that.

Other Crap:

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Comments and vids by Striplight:

Uncle Scoop,

 A couple of short but sweet ones for you. (zipped .wmv files)

• First up is Nina Hoss in “A Girl called Rosemarie”. Watch out for the face the fat guy pulls when she unveils the goodies.

• This is followed by a short sequence from the Tinto Brass flick “Fallo” (or “Private” here in the UK) Frederica Palmer goes underwear shopping and gets her measurements well and truly taken.

Hope you like them

Striplight

Today the Ghost takes a look at one of the many sequels that we just couldn't live without..."Exterminator 2" (1984). The first one just left so many unanswered questions. Thank you Hollywood! At last, I have closure!

• Deborah Geffner, topless in a love scene. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Deborah Geffner zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

First Wave: episode Book of Shadows
Obligatory halloween episode about a coven of teen witches. Amber Rothwell had a similar role in an episode of Night Man.

• Katharine Isabelle: cleavage, flashing her boobs but showing nothing.
• Camille Sullivan: very shear nightgown.
• Leslie Hopps: tight blouse, shear nightgown.
• Amber Rothwell: sexy only.

Leap Years: episode 19
Obligatory episode with stag party featuring many topless strippers.

• Inga Cadranel: cleavage as clinton-style campaign manager.
• Charlene Herbst: topless as stag stripper/hooker.
• Hazel K. Anderson: topless as stag stripper.
• various: more topless stag strippers

Leap Years: episode 20
This is the last episosde of the series which had a collage of previous nudity at the end.

• Robyn Palmer: topless.
• Lori Alter: mega cleavage in underwear.
• various: topless.

"Open Heart" (2004) (TV)
With the NHL strike the CBC is airing many of its movies early. This weekend it's the docu-bio "Don Cherry: The Molson Years".

• Megan Follows: bare shoulder cleavage.
• Nicole Maillet: underwear.

Mania: Episodes in Terror
Four segment anthology but only one has any nudity.

• Deborah Grover: fuzzy full frontal through shower doors.

Cold Squad: season six finale
Typical cop tv series. Every second episode either has a hooker or a stripper.

• Melanie Papalia: having sex but not showing anything.

"Prettykill" redux (1986)
The uncredited stripper has been identified as the canadian hefmag model Lisa Heaughan.

• Lisa Heaughan: mega cleavage.

"Frankenfish"
Let's get the criticism out of the way first. Frankenfish (2004) is a typical B-movie horror/comedy flick about genetically engineered fish who get loose and run amuck, killing everything in site. It's dumb, lame, and also a lot of fun.

When people start showing up dead in the Louisiana swamps, apparently eaten by something, a medical examiner and a wildlife expert are sent in to figure it out. It turns out the fish are a mutant type of Chinese Snakeheads, known to be vicious and able to leap onto land and live for extended periods.

The two experts team with locals living in the swamp to try and deal with the fish, but things go badly and people turn into fish food at an alarming rate. One line from the movie kind of says it all: "You look great for a girl covered in giant fish brains." Youbetcha.

Naturally, to make this a complete B-movie, the producers were kind enough to throw in some gratuitous nudity which was totally superfluous to the story, out of context, and made no sense, but hey, the boobs were big. A great choice for an evening when you're looking for a fun, no-brainer monster flick.

• Noelle Evans
• Unidentified