God, Sex, & Apple Pie (1998) is reminiscent of The Big Chill, in that a group of old friends are meeting over 4th of July weekend for a yearly get-together at a Lake Tahoe cabin. We have a failed comic who delivers mail for a living, drinks, and has no women in his life. Another is a stock broker in danger of indictment for insider trading, there with his wife, who works for the bar association. We have a starving artist and his model girlfriend, a wannabe singer/composer who has never made it big and his girlfriend, and a TV newsman about to make it big, with his housewife spouse. He is cheating on her with a another news personality.

The artist and his girlfriend, Andrea Leithe, are having sex when the others arrive, and scramble to get dressed. We see her buns, and a rear gyno-cam view. That is it for the nudity in the film, and there isn't much else worth seeing. Their dramas play out like a daytime soap, and everyone has a happy resolution to their problems and agrees to meet the next year. The deleted scenes have more exposure from Leithe. Although we never see her breasts and face in the same frame, it is one long shot, and is definitely her.

IMDB readers have this at 4.0 of 10. It boasts winning several film festivals that I have never heard of. My problem with it may have been generational, as there are several positive comments at IMDB, but I found this low budget effort a total snooze-fest. C-.

Sunset Grill (1993):

In the Olympics they won't let a 150 pound man wrestle against a 170 pound man because it just isn't a fair match. But in the movies, one drunken stumblebum private eye armed with a BB gun can overcome all of the following:

1. Several corrupt INS officials
2. The Mexican border federales.
3. The world's richest man and several doctors, who are running a scam to use illegal immigrants as unwilling heart and liver donors.
4. The world's richest man's connections, which "go so high up the ladder God can't see the top".
5. Several thugs who look like a cross between Dolph Lundgren and Andre the Giant, and are better armed than the Iraqi army.
6. Treacherous girlfriends.
7. Incompetent associates.
8. Sarcastic bartenders.

Very realistic movie.

Stacy Keach plays, or maybe I should say overplays, the world's richest man, and he says that ripping hearts out of living victims is OK because:

• They are doing it for a good cause, to give the gift of life to senior members of the Republican Party and other equally important members of society.
• The Aztecs did it, and his own victims are descended from the Aztecs, so they are culturally prepared for it.

OK, fair enough. I was having some problem with it, but then when he explained the Aztec thing, I could relate to it.

I think I've pointed out that in an earlier life I was an Aztec. In fact, I still hold the Aztec record for finishing second in the Aztec games for 32 consecutive years. In a bizarre example of reverse genetic engineering, the Aztecs would rip out the hearts of the winners, since only the finest specimens were adequate propitiations for the Gods.

I remember giving many a heartfelt interview with reporters for the Aztec Times, where I apologized to my fans and those who bet on me, explained that I couldn't fathom how I blew a 40 yard lead in the 100 yard dash, and promised to train much harder for the next year's games, because I was really looking forward to having my heart ripped out so I could join those gods.

OK, the film isn't so great, but if you are a real connoisseur of celebrity nudity, you need to own this DVD, which includes three and a half minutes of deleted scenes. That is, my friends, 210 minutes of Robocop and Alexandra Paul fuckin' ! There is also an excellent widescreen transfer which blows away all previous versions of the film.

I am pleased with the DVD. If you can get past the completely ludicrous premise, the film has some good moments in a decent widescreen transfer, and three sexy naked chicks, plus the deleted Alexandra Paul footage, which is better than decent value for the bargain pricing. Available from Amazon for $10.49 on November 11.

• Sandra Wild. Thumbnails
• Sandra Wild (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Alexandra Paul. Thumbnails
• Alexandra Paul (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10) . Even if you re a complete expert on celeb nudity, you will see plenty of new material here.
• Lori Singer. Thumbnails.
• Lori Singer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Sappho '68:

Tuna's review and pictures cover all that needs to be covered with this film, except one thing.

The film is marketed as having starred Uschi Digard. We can't figure out how that could be. Tuna went through all the women in the movie and determined by the process of elimination that the blond one must have been Uschi. But there's no way. This one picture says it all. There's no chance that woman is Uschi. But the problem is this. If she isn't Uschi,  where the hell is Uschi in this movie? It doesn't seem that she could be any of the other women, either. I can only come up with three remaining explanations:

Either 1) Uschi is not in the picture, and it has been misrepresented.

or 2) This 65 minute film is part of a longer film, and Uschi has been cut out of the short version.

or 3) Uschi is in the credits because she did the heavily-accented female voice-over, but does not appear on camera.

By the way, Uschi is not listed anywhere on the actual film, but she is listed on the DVD box, and on many sources such as IMDb. (That doesn't mean much. It only takes one incorrect listing to propagate misinformation throughout the internet.)

All I can tell you is "save your money" if you are planning to get that film to see a young Uschi. It ain't gonna happen.

OTHER CRAP:

• Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers- The Movie!

• Courtney Love says she tried to make her recent drug overdose 'fun' for her 11-year-old daughter. Wow, now that's a wacky, hip mom. If you think that was fun, imagine what a laugh-a-minute adventure mom and daughter had over that whole zany Cobain suicide thing!

• "Sandra Bullock will reprise her role as an FBI agent in a sequel to the 2000 hit film, 'Miss Congeniality.' Thank God for that news. I don't know how much longer I could have held my breath.

• Afghan beauty trades burka for bikini: Afghan woman is first to enter beauty contest in 30 years. Next step: get rid of that whole Robin Williams/Ed Asner look on the legs and back.

• HOLLYWOOD actress Nicole Kidman is planning to wed rocker Lenny Kravitz. Our former humor columnist once wrote that you can identify a racist if he still thinks all brothers can sing, even after hearing Lenny Kravitz.

• Who is the baddest ass in movie history. Get involved in the Maxim face-off

• 2002 Homemade Bikini Contest at the Hog's Breath Saloon :: Key West, Florida.

• Mel Gibson had better hope God isn't a movie critic - the actor who plays Jesus in his new film was struck by lightning during production.

• A British couple have been forced to move because of the shame caused by the name of their street -- Butt Hole Road.

• The all time greatest wall-breaker, The Kool-Aid Man, strikes at U. Maryland

• If, like me, you really loved the wrestlers that got their asses kicked every week on the TV matches, The Jobber Hall of Fame will stir some great memories. My favorites: The Duke of Dorchester and Iron Make Sharp.

• The good news - you can live to be 500. The bad news - we have to cut off your dick. In other stories today, David Gest registered to run for President in the 2404 elections.

• Atari Adventure - the granddaddy of computer adventure games

• naked chicks

• Stoke Park Club - online golf game

• Eminem's White America video

• How many airplanes are in flight over North America at this moment? Flight Explorer has the answer

• Walt Disney Studios to remaking HERBIE THE LOVE BUG

• CBS | Late Show Top Ten Messages on Steve Bartman's Answering Machine

• Carrot Top's rep insisted that the freckle-faced alleged funnyman is definitely not gay. Interestingly, nobody had asked.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

While cleaning up after the Hefmate post of a couple days ago, I looked at some of the frames I'd grabbed of the lovely Roselyn Sanchez. 'Specially of her caboose. There are two scenes in Boat Trip where Ms. Sanchez strips off her top whilst pointed away from the camera... damn the luck.

First one, in Cuba Gooding's room, indicates that Roselyn has an extraordinary rumpus, the kind you see on a gal who works out for hours a day.

Second one, on the beach, suggests she stopped working out, oh maybe six months between the two scenes.

Either that or one of them is body double. Prob'ly the top panel, don't you think 'cuz you wouldn't expect them to go out and get a gal with a broader bum to wear a bikini bottom and pretend to be the star. Plus, if memory serves, the one on the beach either begins or continues to the point where Roselyn's face is shown and you can tell its her.

Okay, then, second collage has a couple of frames where I thought maybe Ms. Sanchez had let her loose white top fall open just far enough. Or maybe not. The frames were taken from a part of the scene when the camera was pretty darn far away and I played with sharpening them but... oh well.

• Roselyn Sanchez (1, 2)

Second bit of silliness today involves the movie, Seniors. Two other folk who do this movie capping stuff have identified two of the previously unknown topless babes from this movie.

First one is Chantal Westerman. And since we know who she is now, I worked on the collage a bit more and changed the header to indicate her name.

• Chantal Westerman

Second one makes me very happy. When I capped this movie the girl in the shower looked very familiar and I thought she might be a Hefmate of that era. But none of the names matched women I knew to have been monthly persons of the bunnymag type. Glorioski, it turns out she is Ashley Cox, Hefmate for Dec '77.

So I changed the header to the collage I had sent in previously AND I constructed a new collage of all the frames I grabbed from this scene.

The guy she is showering with is Dennis Quaid and you will notice that whereas she is nekkid, he has his pants on. Hmmm, I do wonder what that is all about. Ya think mebbe Dennis was afraid to show his privates even outside the camera's view?

• Ashley Cox (1, 2)

• Amy Brenneman, in undies and baring her bum. (1, 2)

• Sherry Stringfield, also baring her bum as well as showing some partial breast views. (1, 2)

Next up...proof that the temperature down in Hell is a little cooler these days.

• Former porn star turned B-movie actress Traci Lords makes a guest appearance on the WB show "Gilmore Girls".

A few 'caps of Jamie Lee Curtis in her undies, showing some amazing cleavage and an amazing body in scenes from the Governator movie "True Lies"!

• Jamie Lee Curtis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

BACKLASH AGAINST REAGAN MOVIE
He Said "Mommy," Not "Commie!" - A backlash is growing against CBS's upcoming TV movie starring James Brolin as Ronald Reagan. Since the script was leaked to the New York Times, Reagan historians, colleagues and family members have denounced what they say are slanderous inaccuracies. It depicts Reagan suggesting that gays deserve to die of AIDS, cursing and taking the Lord's name in vain, calling people "commies," and admitting he named names during the McCarthy era, none of which he really did. Angry conservatives are now using the Internet and talk radio to organize a boycott of any advertiser that sponsors the movie.