Wednesday

This top section includes Scoop's site notes, images, vids, web finds, and meandering prattle.

Billy Zane's Sinking Ship Tetralogy: Part Two (1997)

Sometimes referred to as Titanic

This is a new special edition DVD. I was going to pass on it, but I just couldn't refuse the price: $19.99 for a 3-disk set that must set the record for the most material ever. Two full length commentary tracks, 45 minutes of deleted scenes (you mean it was supposed to be even LONGER?), some 2000 still images (set photos and artwork). Seven featurettes. More. I don't know how long it would take you to go through all this. A mighty long time!

I like Titanic, even though it is just about universally acclaimed as the most overrated movie ever made. If I were James Cameron, I would be proud of this achievement (not to mention my bank account). Oh, sure it's a chick movie. I think I wrote one time that it is the Monet of movies - girls under 18 rate it 8.6 at IMDb, while the hard-core movie audience (men 18-29) rates it only 6.6. Well, so fuckin' what? Guys 18-29 don't possess all possible wisdom and good taste. I like French Impressionism, and I like Titanic. I don't like every single thing about it, but I liked it enough to watch it again

 

Kate Winslet from the new DVD:
More Kate Winslet. *
* For reference, this is the full screen version from VHS, noteworthy because it shows Ms Winslet's entire bottom. The guy who did this collage, Kruger, has since disappeared from the imaging world, to my knowledge, but he was a wizard with VHS tapes.

 

 

Sex and the Teenage Mind (2002)

This is a "coming of age" story which is lodged in the same general vein as the American Pie stories (it even uses the fantasy cop/stripper - a year earlier than American Wedding!), but far from the motherlode.

A high school geek thinks he'll never get laid, until he manages a remarkable coup that changes his life. He pulls off a chivalrous sacrifice to save the hottest girl in school from failing her senior history exam. She is really grateful, and really wants to pay him back, but there are obstacles. First of all, he's not the kind of guy who really knows how to go about seduction. Worst of all, the high school quarterback and resident bully thinks that the beautiful girl is his personal property.

The usual stuff.

It's not an unpleasant movie, but it's basically just a re-tread of some very well-worn tires. No new characters. No new jokes. No new territory. Nothing you haven't seen already. The film interweaves reality with fantasy in a way that is not entirely satisfying, which is to say that the fantasy sequences make the ending of the film promising, but not completely fulfilling.

 
Jamie Hagan   
Jodi Fleisher
Alison Lange - not nude

 

 

 

 

Career Girls (1994)

Career Girls (1997) is a quirky UK film about two ex college roommates and best friends who reunite after having been apart for six years, and having chosen different career paths. The film alternates between their present day reunion, during which they keep running into people they knew in college; and flashbacks to their college years, when they shared a flat and more than one boyfriend.

I must admit I had to resort to subtitles to understand the accents some of the time, but otherwise the film had remarkable pace for being so light on plot, and many moments had me chuckling. This character-driven comedy works largely due to an award-winning performance from Katrin Cartlidge, as the outgoing one of the pair. (Linda Steadman is the quieter one.) If someone had asked me about the wisdom of making a film about two former classmates who have gotten pretty much nowhere in their lives, and spend the entire film talking and remembering, I would have been dubious. However, I found myself enjoying this Mike Leigh effort, and spending time with two likeable people.
Katrin Cartlidge


"The L Word" Season 2

Finale, episode 13 (pictures in yesterday's edition):

Bette and Tina get back together, and Tina has her baby in a difficult delivery. Bette's father dies, and she is fired at her fathers memorial service. Jenny goes off the deep end, and cuts herself on the legs with a razor. Shane and Carmen start dating. Mia Kirshner does full frontal during the title sequence, a continuation of the strip scene in the previous episode. Laurel Holliman shows nipples during her labor.

So what did a season of the L Word accomplish?

  • Kit owns the Planet, and has it running well.
  • Jenny got rid of her husband, and is floundering on her journey of self discovery.
  • Tina has the baby, and she and Bette reunite.
  • Bette seems to be unemployed.
  • Shane is backing off from her "no relationships" position.
  • Bette and Kit's father dies.
  • Marina was written out of the script.

There was a lot of new music this season, and I am guessing that the core audience for this show enjoys it. The nudity seemed to be much lighter than the first season. There are several extra features that might be of some interest to fans of the show or the stars, but contain no new information nudity. Two of the episodes have commentary tracks.


1 Night in Paris (2004):

1 Night in Paris (2004) is the much-ballyhooed Paris Hilton sex video put together from private footage shot by Rick Salomon. Honestly, had this not been someone of the celebrity of Paris Hiton, nobody would care about it. Mr. Salomon really needs to learn how to focus a camera if he is going to continue his home movie making career.

The action only develops any heat at all in the final sequence where she is giving him head, and even then it feels like she is performing for the camera. It starts with the infrared clip that was all over the Internet, converted to very grainy B & W, then switches to color for a bathroom conversation with Paris in bra and panties, followed by a lengthy scene where he goes down on her, but all the interesting bits are hidden by a chair arm and her leg, and ends with the above mentioned knob job.

Paris really needs some moaning lessons. Several times while she was being licked, I wondered if she had fallen asleep. The video quality, even in the color footage, is not especially good, and the releasing company added a logo to every frame. Now that I have seen it, it is gift wrapped and on its way to someone who might appreciate it. I have no interest in watching it again. I suppose, if you call the genre amateur celebrity hard core sex tapes, this is at the top of the genre, hence a C+, but as a sex film, it is in the D range.

Paris


Post Coitum Animal Triste (1997)

This is a French film written and directed by, and staring Brigitte RoŁan. It is purportedly the end of an affair from a woman's point of view. The title translates After Sex, animal Sadness, shortened to After Sex for the American market. It tells the story of a 40 something mother of two, a publishers agent who manages authors. Although married to a lawyer, she begins an affair with a young hydraulic engineer half her age, the roommate of one of her authors.

Predictably, the young man tires of her, and she goes to pieces. This is not a pretty site, but was way too melodramatic to be effective. Either the subtitles were far from good, or this film has very strange dialogue. The most glaring for me was a comment made for no apparent reason when the author stepped out of a phone booth, "I know someone who feeds maggots to a baby swallow."

RoŁan shows breasts in several scenes.

IMDb readers have this at 6.2, indicating that some found this worth watching. Ebert was one of them at 3 stars, whereas Berardinelli was unimpressed at 2 stars. Although I never understood why the young engineer got into the affair with the much older woman in the first place, the sex scenes in the first part of the film had some heat. After that, I completely lost interest. RoŁan was a capable enough actress, but turned into a very pathetic character. This is a C, the sort of very French love story that some people seem to enjoy.

 

Brigitte RoŁan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nikki Fritz in "Intimate Sessions"

 

 

 

 

Isabelle Huppert Apres L'Amour
Angelique Thomas Les Textiles
Barbara Schulz Les Textiles
Magali Muxart Les Textiles
Eva LaRue Callahan The Barbarians
Tanya Roberts Night Eyes

 

 

 

 

 

In yet another one of Ken Russell's exuberant more-or-less biopics, Valentino (1977), two actresses give up their goodies.

Today we'll take a closer look at Michelle Phillips, also a well-known singer from The Mamas and The Papas. The good news is that you can see her in all her glory in these four clips (1, 2, 3, 4), the bad news for us guys is that the same is true for ballet dancer Rudolph Nureyev.

If someone is thinking of acquiring this film on DVD, it is available in the UK in a full screen version with prices starting at a moderate £ 5.99.

Tomorrow I'll be back with naked actress #2 from this movie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's wrap up our extended look at 'Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman".  First up is Sandy Carey who was a regular in movies of this genre back in the good old days. She gives up all three B's in a whoopee session.     

Then Sandy is joined by Valda Hansen as the Spacemen get a crack at them  followed by some group sex with humans.

Tale Wright wraps up our little space journey as she gives it all up for us.

We're outta here, as Michael has arrived with the parts for the Time Machine.

 

 

 

 

Lucy Becker Maxim DVD
Angelica del Rosal Maxim DVD
Dana Vavrova Rama Dama (non nude)
Florinda Bolkan The Last Valley (nn)  
Hildegard Neil The Mirror Crack'd (nn)  
Liz Taylor The Mirror Crack'd (nn)   
Jenna Malone The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys (nn)   
Kathy Keira Clarke Bloody Sunday (nn)   
Monica Bellucci The Matrix Reloaded (nn)   
Ornella Muti ?? Maybe The Nun and the Devil (nn)   

 

 

 

 

Britney's post-natal knockers. They are covered, but their size is apparent.
Mia Kirshner in Now and Forever. She once went six or seven years without a nude scene. Now you can't get her to put her clothes on. Not that I would want to.
 

 

 

 

Stephen Colbert strikes his first blow against the Pundocracy

MovieJuice! takes a look at Doom

This week's movies (1800 screens): Prime - 43% positive reviews. Older-woman, younger-man romantic comedy.

This week's movies (1400 screens): The Weather Man -33% positive reviews.

  • That's based on only three reviews. Variety and Hollywood Reporter didn't like it. The positive came from Ain't It Cool News.

This week's movies (3100 screens): The Legend of Zorro - 14% positive reviews.

  • "Demand a director's cut -- at least 30-40 minutes shorter -- before you see ... this long and tedious stunt extravaganza."
  • "The Legend of Zorro is a rather bad and unnecessary sequel, not only plotless but charmless too. It will appeal to young children and indiscriminating viewers only."

This week's movies (2800 screens): Saw II - 67% positive reviews.

The Weekend Warrior's Box Ofice predictions for October 28-30

  • He's calling it for Saw 2, with Zorro 2 in a respectable second. He's handicapping The Weather Man in sixth and Prime in ninth.
  • Among carry-overs, he feels Doom will tank while Dreamer will hold up well.

The London Symphony plays the theme from Super Mario Brothers

The teaser trailers for Small Town Folk

  • "There is a place... a place called Grockleton, wherein, high on a hill-top stands the lonely Beesley's Manor, governed by the villainous 'Landlord'. Accompanied by his henchmen Pooch and Pike and the diesel-swilling Dobbin, the Landlord keeps a watchful eye over Grockleton and anyone who dares to enter his land. When three improbable heroes stumble unsuspectingly into the Beesley's realm they are cruelly snared into a menacing hunt and an unstoppable frenzy of heart racing mayhem! Will the Landlord triumph and collect his trophies, or can the unlikely trio be victorious against him in his own game?

The trailer for Show Me

  • How far would you go to escape the ties that bind? When two squeegee kids descend upon Sarah and her luxury sedan, the fuse is lit on a tense cat-and-mouse tale of captors and captives. Sarah is forced at knife point to continue her trip to an isolated cottage where the twisted trio bait and entice one another in a reckless search for truth. "Show Me" plunges us into a maze of mystery, desire, memory and self-sacrifice.

The trailer for Guarding Eddy

  • "This is the story of Eddy Patterson (Brian Presley), a likeable 18-year-old kid who suffers from mental disorders. He runs away to Los Angeles to actualize his lifelong dream of trying out for the LA Clippers professional basketball team. Hungry and alone in the strange and unforgiving city, Eddy ends up in a homeless shelter. The director of the shelter, Carol (Anna Maria Horsford), introduces him to his new Big Brother, Mike Jeffreys (Kiko Ellsworth), a young African-American pro basketball player who has jeopardized his shot in the NBA with a knee injury. Mike serves at the shelter as part of his court ordered community service. What begins as a duty quickly turns to friendship as Eddy teaches Mike a profound life lesson about the power of never letting go of your dreams."
  • Wait a minute - that's not realistic. Nobody has ever been refused a job with the Clippers.

The trailer for Ek Ajnabee

  • India's all-time biggest movie star Amitabh Bachchan returns to the big screen in the new action thriller "Ek Ajnabee" ("One Stranger") opening worldwide on December 9th. The 63-year-old Bollywood megastar plays a man on a path to self-destruction who finds redemption when he is hired to protect an eight-year-old girl from a kidnapping plot.

A Q&A with 'South Park's' Matt Stone and Trey Parker. They're proud of their own work, but they wish they had done Deuce Bigelow.

Charlize wins best actress award

  • A little early, aren't they? To be fair, they did include unreleased films.
  • The actress picked up the award for her performance in North County. Joaquin Phoenix was named actor of the year for his work in Walk the Line, the upcoming film biography of Johnny Cash. Susan Sarandon picked up the gong for best supporting actress for Elizabethtown, and Matthew Broderick picked up best supporting actor for The Producers.
  • I haven't seen Phoenix as Cash, but it must be one kick-ass performance if they picked him over Strathairn's portrayal of Murrow.

Total Film's 100 Greatest Movies Of All Time (Yawn)

Whatever happened to ... Anne Rice?

  • "I promised," she says, "that from now on I would write only for the Lord."

Bill Gates to buy Mars

The Daily Show's Lewis Black whines and snivels about 24 hour news networks.

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS PLAN TO INFILTRATE AL QAEDA ... Will Leak Bin Laden's Precise Location to the Press

Daily Show: Headlines - Roker Wrangler. Roker's falling from trees! Roker's everywhere!

The Top Seven hottest women in their 50s.

This has the making of a great TV movie of the week. Does Janet Jackson have a secret daughter?

Jimmy Kimmel - this week in Unnecessary Censorship

LAPD arrests Elmo

Sharon Osbourne has revealed that she has spent half a million dollars on plastic surgery. And she now looks like Tori Spelling pre-surgery.

"Screen legend Omar Sharif was sued by a US parking attendant who claims the actor committed a hate crime by punching him and hurling racial slurs Sharif called the Guatemalan guy a "stupid Mexican."

  • Interestingly, in the Movie of the Week about the incident, Sharif will play the Guatemalan guy who got punched, while Sean Connery will play Sharif. Sharif was considered for the role of himself, but was rejected because casting directors feel he is "too Mexican looking."

U.S. FACING CRONY SHORTAGE ... Not Enough Cronies to Fill Government Positions, President Warns

 

 

 

 

BASEBALL UPSET ABOUT CHEESY MILK AD
Got Steroids? - Major League Baseball is upset about a "Got Milk?" TV ad that began running during the playoffs.  It pokes fun at the steroid scandal by showing a player being yanked from a game "after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance," and then we see the coach pulling a carton of milk from his locker. An MLB spokesman said, "There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse" which "threatens America's youth."

*  Or about replacing steroids with milk, which threatens to make baseball even more boring.
*  He's right!  If only there was some way we could convince kids to, say, drink milk instead!


$20 PENTAGON ICE CUBE TRAY
The Vendor: Starbucks - A Knight-Ridder investigation of Pentagon purchasing found that they no longer take competitive bids, but are using middlemen in what is called the "prime vendor" system.  They claim it saves money, but the report found that it's costing taxpayers 20 percent more than the old system.  For instance, the Pentagon now pays $81 for $29 coffee makers, and $20 apiece for plastic ice cube trays the public can buy for 85 cents.

*  The Pentagon used to pay 20 percent less, or $16.
*  You don't even want to know how much they pay for the freezers.
*  The new system is like competitive bidding, only they take the highest bidder.



TRUMP PAID $25,000 A MINUTE TO TALK
Plus Expenses - Sunday at New York's Learning Annex, Donald Trump gave a one-hour lecture for which he was paid $1.5 million, or $25,000 a minute. The crowd paid $100 to $500 each to hear his advice.  He said to surround yourself with the best crew, but don't trust them; work with them, but make them respect you; and "when somebody challenges you, fight back.  Be brutal, be tough, just go get them."

*  I could get the same advice for $15 by buying an Eminem CD.
*  You could get this free by watching "The Apprentice," but then  you'd have to watch "The Apprentice."
*  That took about 15 seconds to read, but it was worth $600.
*  He then offered to lecture barber students for free, but they said no thanks.


 
WOMAN SUES FOR LACK OF ORGASMS
Sex And The Pity - Terra Noticias Populares reports that a woman in Jundiai, Brazil, is suing her partner for not giving her orgasms.  She filed a complaint with the police that as soon as he was done, he just stopped having sex.  A police spokesman said they're treating it as an ordinary complaint, and they'll look into it and let the judge decide.

*  The judge and the entire police force offered to do whatever it takes to give her satisfaction.
*  It's ironic: he has to give her orgasms to make her STOP screaming.
*  He's such a bad lover, it's criminal.
*  Let's hope the judge decides against her, or millions of women will file a class action suit.



BIG BRAINS CALENDAR
Bored Out Of Their Skulls - The University of Illinois is celebrating intellectual beauty with a 2006 calendar called "Big Brains."  It features MRI scans of the brains of faculty members and top students.  Some show appropriate areas; for instance, the scan of the school president's brain will show areas related to multi-tasking.  The head of the Biomedical Imaging Center said the models were very enthusiastic because "everyone loves a picture of their brain."

*  It is, after all, everyone's second-favorite organ.
*  You should see the frontal lobes on Miss February!
*  They were going to do a calendar featuring brain scans of supermodels, but the MRI machine couldn't find their brains.



LOUSY BOSSES CAN KILL YOU
"The Office" Really IS A Documentary - A 10-year study of male British civil servants by the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health found that bad bosses really can kill you.  The workers were polled on whether they thought their bosses were fair, honest, considered their viewpoint and shared info on decision-making.  Those who said yes had a 30 percent lower level of coronary heart disease than those who said no, possibly just because of the stress of having a lousy boss.

*  So if you killed your lousy boss, you could plead self-defense.
*  Or possibly because it was worth having a heart attack just to take sick leave.
*  Know who outlives everyone at the office?  Lousy bosses.
*  The most amazing part of the study: there were civil servants who answered "yes!"


BOOK TRANSLATES BIZARRE NEW JARGON
Already Out Of Date - British linguist Susie Dent says the Internet is fueling baffling new jargon, so she's written a book, "Fanboys and Overdogs," to help people translate it.  For instance, fanboys are comic book nuts, and overdogs are the ultimate top dogs.  A "rate tart" is someone who keeps switching credit cards to get a lower rate.  Someone whose job was sent to India was "Bangalored."  And a "machosexual" is an oaf who doesn't care about his appearance.

*  Most machosexuals work in telemarketing and get Bangalored.
*  A machosexual isn't a top dog or an overdog, just a dog.
*  "Getting bangalored" sounds like a lot more fun than it is.



DUI ATTORNEY SHOWS UP TO COURT DRUNK
He Has A Fool For A Client - Attorney Jerry Stewart of Benton, Arkansas, is facing two drunk driving charges and Monday, he was set to appeal two earlier convictions, but he was jailed for contempt when he showed up drunk.  He has to stay in jail until Thursday, when he's due back in court on an unrelated case.

*  He's some poor murder defendant's court-appointed lawyer.
*  Unrelated, other than it has something to do with drinking.
*  He's found a way to stay constantly busy in court without ever having to find any clients...He's eliminated the middle man!



BONADUCE LOVES HAVING HIS FACE PUNCHED
If Only Tom Cruise Felt This Way - Former "Partridge Family" star Danny Bonaduce told FHM magazine that even though he's sobered up, he still likes to brawl.  He said, "It's embarrassing, but I'm at my happiest when I'm getting punched in the face."

*  Fortunately, it happens whenever he sings.
*  Coincidentally, I'm also at my happiest when Danny Bonaduce is getting punched in the face.
*  Say, has he ever considered hanging out with Russell Crowe?  They could solve each other's problems!

 

 

 

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan or ICMS, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.