"Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die"

Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die (2002) was actually filmed in 1996, and is a send-up of James Bond by director Rolfe Kanefsky. It is one of a series of six films based on the Milo Manera comic series "Click." The title click refers to an invention that looks like a TV remote control, but instantly aroused anyone it is aimed at. There is entirely too much nudity for one night, so tonight we will cover the prologue, the opening credits, and the first couple of scenes. The film opens with Steele completing a case in usual Bond fashion. We see a swimming pool with a crime boss sitting on the edge talking on a cell phone, and Stacy Leigh Mobley swimming in a skimpy bikini. As he is talking, she gets out of the pool and sits on a lounge chair. The crook is giving orders to his underlings, such as sell dope to age 5 and older, but stop the white slavery for anyone who hasn't reached puberty. Guns are fine for any age, no discrimination.

A rubber ducky with an antenna floats up to him. He picks it up, reads a message, and it explodes. Steele emerges from the pool in a tux, and Mobley is excited. She has always wanted to have hot sex with a secret agent. She takes off her top and begins to masturbate, but his watch phone rings. It is P, giving him his next assignment, and telling him to come to the office immediately. Mobley finishes herself off as he hangs up. Cut to opening credits.

We see naked women in silhouette cavorting around the screen, and Steele doing jumping jacks, while a Shirley Bassey voice (Elizabeth Danko) sings the theme song.

Protect Your Giraffe from Rod Steele

Rod Steele is his name
And death is his game
He'll Kill and he'll Maime
With a laugh
And after a laugh
He'll kill your giraffe
He's Steel through and through
You will find
He's lost his mind

Rod Steele will not run
He's just too damned dumb
He'll stand up and fight if he can
He's drunk as a skunk
A big manly hunk
The clicker will conquer the world

Rod Steele is a man
His own biggest fan
He likes love and death
But don't dare smell his breath
And his brain's in his gun
When he does it for fun
So protect your giraffe from Rod Steele

Rod Steele
Rod Steele
Rod Steele

Steele drives up to a facade, opens the front door complimenting P on the great facade, and walks into a parking lot. P explains that they have had massive budget cuts, and could only afford the facade. He gives Steele some gadgets including tennis shoes (they make your feet comfortable and are handy if you have to run), a fountain pen that squirts ink, a toothbrush, and a black box that is a combo eavesdropping device and dart stun gun. Steele leaves with the comment that everyone needs a good P.

Miss Pennyworth (Delphine Pacific) drives him to the airport to grab his coach seat because the agency will no longer pay for parking, so she is to drive the car back to the company. In the airport bar, Steele orders a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, with lemon and an olive on a wooden toothpick from some oriental company. The bartender informs him that he doesn't think their toothpicks are from the orient, so Steele says he will just have his lemon on the side. At another table is the inventor of the click device. Steele insults Pennyworth, saying that he is sure she is a lousy lay. The waiter delivers the drink, Steele knocks it out of his hand, and the click device gets wet. Steel heads for the restroom, and the device actives, turning Pennyworth into a sex maniac. The strips, jumps onto the bar, pours vodka all over herself, and says "this drink is on me." She and the bartender do the wild thing right on the bar. When Steele and the click guy go through the metal detector, they end up with each other's click devices.

I will not be relating the rest of the story in nearly as much detail, but this should give you a feel for what I found the best comedy send-up so far of the Bond films. Mobley shows breasts and buns, and Pacific shows breasts, and nearly bush. We also see her buns from the side.

Tomorrow night, we will have the second installment from this masterpiece.

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  • Delphine Pacific (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33)

  • Stacy Leigh Mobley (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Exhausted (1981):

    As you know, I did Wonderland yesterday. That naturally led me to "Exhausted".This is kind of a famous film in a way. Do you remember in Boogie Nights when Amber Waves directed her own film about Dirk Diggler? Well this film is what Amber's film was based on - a "documentary" on John Holmes, as made by a woman who genuinely liked him.

    Exhausted is a softball documentary about Holmes, the biggest star in the adult film industry. He was the most famous, and he was the biggest in another way as well - nearly 14 inches of otherhood. The film combines footage from actual porn films, "man on the street" interviews, and interviews with industry insiders: director Bob Chinn, actress Seka, and John Holmes himself. Between the film and the special features, Holmes is interviewed for nearly an hour.

    Although it is not a good movie, the DVD has a lot of extra material, and Exhausted is one of four films you'll need to watch in order to understand the life of Mr Holmes.

    • Boogie Nights (1997) - a highly regarded fictionalized version of Holmes' life directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (called PTA hereinafter).
    • Exhausted (1981) - a pseudo-documentary, actually more of an apologetic, made when Holmes was in his prime, or just past it. The Exhausted DVD also includes a commentary track in which the characters comment on the accuracy of Boogie Nights. (Their opinions differ widely)
    • Wadd (1998) - the Cass Paley documentary about Holmes.
    • Wonderland (2003)- (discussed yesterday) a Holmes biopic in docudrama style. This film concentrates on Holmes's violent life after porn, and tries to stay as close to the facts as possible within the format.

    Exhausted was a critical piece of reference material for PTA, and really forms the basis for the first half of Boogie Nights.

    • One scene from a porn film, presented in Exhausted, is re-created moment by moment in Boogie Nights, even to the point of intentionally duplicating a continuity error. PTA told an interviewer, "Yep. That is taken, shot for shot, from a real porno. Even up to the point that if you look closely, you see Mark at the bar. He's sitting in the wide-shot with a toothpick and then cut to the close-up and he's holding a cigarette in the other hand."
    • One of Exhausted's sample action sequences - taken from a "Johnny Wadd" porno/detective film - is copied closely in BN.
    • The Mark Wahlberg character is based on Holmes. The correspondence is nearly perfect, tight down to Holmes's posturing, and his clumsy and imprecise use of language in his interviews.
    • The Burt Reynolds character is based on porn director Bob Chinn.
    • The Julianne Moore character is very similar to Seka, and the relationship between Holmes and Seka is reflected in the relationships between the corresponding characters in Boogie Nights, but "Amber Waves" is actually an amalgam of several women, including the director of Exhausted. Remember that the Amber character makes her own film about "Dirk Diggler", a whitewash which is modeled closely after Exhausted. David Poland asked PTA, "How important was Exhausted in the development of your film?". The response:  "Critical. It was so clearly made by someone who was just blind to what John Holmes clearly was. She tried to make this wonderful portrait of who he was. So here's this narration saying how he's a wonderful guy, and in the background, he's slapping some woman around saying, "Shut up, bitch! Answer my question!" And that's how it came to Amber doing a kind of damage control for Dirk, doing her own kind of Exhausted for him."
    • Snippets of dialogue in Boogie Nights are quoted verbatim from the interviews in Exhausted. The most entertaining example is Holmes's claim that "Bob lets me block my own sex scenes", followed by Bob Chinn's laconic, "I don't let you block your own sex scenes".

    I recommend listening to the commentary track for Exhausted, which was recorded recently, and has much more perspective and honesty than the whitewashed film.

    The following are clips from Bob Chinn movies which are excerpted in Exhausted (with many others as well), featuring Holmes and some porn stars, most notably Seka



    Scoop - I came across this pic on a bulletin board last night, and don't recall ever seeing it.  Can you confirm if this is fake or real.  Frankly, to me it looks real. It was described as a paparazzi shot while on vacation.

    Scoop's note: This specific collage is a fake. Somebody used a Brainscan shell to paste in these pictures, making it look as though Brainscan - a reliable source of genuine pap pics - had offered it as a real picture. Brainscan is meticulous about certain details, and would not misspell Aniston's name in the file as well as in the collage. Of course, it's also an obvious paste-over since the left side of the picture (2 pixels wide) reveals another picture underneath! Here's is Brainscan's response to my e-mail:

    "Well there is a first time for everything.  You pegged it right... 'tis a fake with one of my cheesy frames and silly-ass trademarks attached.  Have seen the pics elsewhere and followed the short-lived debate about them. Clearly bogus.  Perhaps I should be flattered and all, but this does not amuse me."

    Scoop continues: So it is definitely a fake of a Brainscan collage. The greater question is this: "Are the pictures really Aniston?" A betting man would lay heavy odds against it. Nobody can point to an original source. That's the kiss of death for credibility. In addition, why would anyone set it in a Brainscan frame if the pictures could stand on their own?




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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Got caught away from the shop with nothing of my own to play with... uh, I mean no caps or nothing like that... but there were a bunch of Tuna caps. So this is what i did with them, which was just stick together two or three of his first rate frames into single collages. Seemed like a good idea at the time..

    • Adrienne Barbeau, topless in scenes from the now very rare DVD of "Swamp Thing".

    • AJ Khan, showing off her pierced nipples in scenes from "Vampire Vixens".

    • Darian Caine, gettin' it on lesbo style in more scenes from "Vampire Vixens".

    • Andrea Davis, having her nipples bitten in scenes from "Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde" (2003).

    • Misty Mundae, full frontal, also from "Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde".

    • Ann Neville, full frontal nudity from her one and only screen appearance in "Once Upon a Time in America" (1984).

    • Annik Borel, the busty French actress in scenes from "Werewolf Woman" (1976)

    • Bella Donna, toplessness from "Angel III: The Final Chapter" (1988)

    • Laura Albert, stripping off her top in more scenes from "Angel III: The Final Chapter" (1, 2)

    • Carolyn Liu bares breasts in the Andy Sidaris classic "Do or Die" (1991)

    • Corinne Clery, all 3 B's in scenes from the 1977 movie "Hitch Hike"

    • Debra Lamb the famous fire eating exotic dancer playing an exotic dancer in scenes from "Stripped to Kill" (1987).

    • Elisha Cuthbert, a clothed, rear view the young "24" co-star in scenes from "Old School".

    • Frances Barber, frontal nudity from "A Zed & Two Noughts" (1985).

    • Karen Mani topless and showing something rarely scene in B-movies these days...tan lines. 'Caps from "Avenging Angel" (1985).

    • Lysette Anthony, full frontal nudity in scenes from "The Hour of the Pig" aka "The Advocate" (1993).

    • Michelle Williams, the "Dawson's Creek" babe bares her lovely breasts in scenes from "Me Without You".

    • Sigourney Weaver, topless in "Death and the Maiden" (1994).

    The Camille Donatacci collage reminds me that when I was away I heard a radio show making fun of an ad she and Kelsey Grammer have on Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Seems that Camille is one of several million sufferers.

    The DJs ran the ad with flatulent noises running in the background. Real funny stuff. Har har. But think of Kelsey's predicatment. Marries a serious hottie, only to discover a rich source of natural gas... not the kind you can sell or anything. Talk about your approach-avoidance complex.

    The Edwige Fenech caps came from someplace other than Tuna... as difficult as that is to believe. Found 'em somewhere and since I think Edwige has the perfect set, never matched, never to be surpassed, I thought I'd throw the frames together.

    Kaila Yu is part of a recent trend we should all encourage, which is nekkid Asian models becoming nekkid Asian actresses.

    • Kaila Yu (1, 2)

    When Tuna ran the Karyn Parker caps from Angel, I think he labeled her as unknown. Remembered she had a line or two, so I grabbed a VHS copy and sho nuff there she is speaking and there was Angel calling her by name and there in the credits is she identified as Karyn Parker. Tuna had caps of another topless cheerleader babe... a blonde... who also has one line. Something like, "Hey, wait for me." but she remains known only to God and the movie's producers.

    Last thing for the day is a collage of Mariah Carey paparazzi pics... three pics in all... taken with her wearing the Versace creation that almost lets the twins out to breathe.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Desert Passion"
    This 1993 cable-rated direct-to-video "drama" is dumber than a bag of hammers, but loaded with fake sex and nudity. Missy Browning clearly had the super jumbo economy-size boob job, while Carrie Janisse could probably use one.

    The plot, if you can call it that, was that two women head from LA to Las Vegas, but are abducted on the way by phony state troopers and thrown into a prison to become sex slaves. They also have hallucinations of getting laid while in the desert, of course.....who doesn't?

    Like most direct-to-video epics, the quality was gawd-awful so the collages suck quality-wise, but hey, you can still make out the boobs. -)

    Ann-Kathrin Kramer The German actress bares breasts and bum in scenes from "Abgehauen" (1998).

    Anne Kasprik Very nice toplessness in scenes from "Tatort - Mord in der Akademie" (1994).

    Annedore Kleist
    (1, 2)

    Full frontal nudity from "Jonathans Liebe" (2001).

    Annekathrin Bürger Going all the way back to 1976 for these topless 'caps of the German actress in scenes from "Hostess".

    Sophie Schütt
    (1, 2)

    Nude in two movies....Link #1 shows her full frontal and baring her bum in a shower scene from "Tatort - Mord hinterm Deich" (1997). Link #2 features tight shirts and pubes from "Es geht nicht immer nur um Sex" (2000).

    Christina Ricci Ricci in a tight t-shirt and undies from the new Woody Allen movie "Anything Else".

    Cameron Diaz
    (1, 2, 3)

    It wont be out on DVD until the 21st, but Zorg already has 'caps of Diaz in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle". Bikino views and a sorta-topless scene with hands and hair covering the goods.

    Jessica Simpson
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the pop starlet in bikini tops and showing a whole mess of cleavage. Scenes from the MTV show "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica".

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Tampon Man! - For the first time, Marvel Comics announced that issue #71 of "Avengers" (a comic book featuring Iron Man, Captain America and others) will be rated "MR" for "Mature Readers." It shows a two-page nude sex scene in which a miniaturized Ant-man crawls up from under the covers and between the breasts of The Wasp (Janet Van Dyne) after apparently using his shrinking powers for a purpose not related to crime fighting. Retailers complained that it would frustrate underage fans who won't be able to buy it and keep their collections complete.

  • If they want to preserve it, they'd better wrap it in plastic.
  • No big deal: their moms will end up throwing out their entire collections anyway.
  • Let me get this straight: he shrinks in bed, and she LIKES that?!
  • He's a little too small...She prefers Iron Man.

    Inflated Figures - Three separate studies have found that women with breast implants have a far higher suicide rate than the average woman. But Psychology Prof. Thomas Joiner of Florida State University claims that if you adjust for all the other factors these women displayed that boosted their likelihood of suicide, the rate was actually lower than it would have been if they didn't have breast implants. So it's possible having bigger breasts made them happier, just not happy enough.

  • Solution: get much bigger breast implants.
  • They won't be truly happy until they can go on "Extreme Makeover."
  • And having all those big breasts around made men a LOT less likely to commit suicide.
  • Leave it to a guy from Florida State to stand up for fake boobs.

    Kill Deal - Matt Drudge reports that Quentin Tarantino may be the final straw that causes angry Disney executives to dump their distribution of Miramax Films. His new movie "Kill Bill" has so much blood and decapitation, the Village Voice called it "the most violent American movie ever made." But Tarantino said kids should see it, and "boys will have a great time, girls will have a dose of girl power." Pressed to explain, he said kids as young as 12 could see "Kill Bill," if they have cool parents.

  • "Cool" meaning "lousy."
  • Really cool parents will let them watch it on Ecstasy so they won't remember it afterwards.
  • If they like Itchy & Scratcy, they'll love "Kill Bill."
  • He didn't mean it, he just lost his head.