"The Bare Wench Project"

"In October of 1998, four sorority sisters disappeared into the woods near Bareassville, Delaware while shooting a documentary. A week later their footage was found." And so begins a soft-core parody of my pick for worst film of the decade. It is beyond me how the same people that call "The Postman" a terrible film can call "The Blaire Witch Project" a good one. Like the movie it is parodying, this one is shot with video, including some B & W, and is 100% hand-held, so take your Dramamine. The sorority sisters are shooting a documentary on the "Bare Wench" for a school project. They hike around a lot, talk about losing a map, and do a lot of other things very much like the other movie. There are some major improvements over the Blaire Witch Project. When they get near the Bare Wench, they magically become very aroused, and the only way to stop odd happenings is to go topless ... Hmmm, I can't call Julie Strain, Nikki Fritz, Antonia Dorian, Lorissa McComas and Julie K. Smith topless, how about bare from the waist up.

The parody even extended to the CD cover. As this is not available anywhere on line, I scanned it for you. Although the quality of this one is intentionally bad, I suggest it for anyone who has seen Blaire Witch. IT was difficult to get decent caps because of the quality and the motion blur, but it looks better when watching it.


Antonia Dorian (1, 2, 3, 4) Julie K. Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Julie Strain (1, 2, 3) Lorissa Mcomas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Nikki Fritz (1, 2, 3)


Postmortem (1998) stars Charlie Sheen sleepwalking through a catch-the-serial-killer who-done-it set in a small town on the Scottish coast. Sheen is a former San Francisco detective who has seen one murder too many, leaves his job and family, writes a best-selling book, and then tries to drink himself to death in Scotland. One of his fans starts Faxing him advance warning of his murders, and even leaves one of the victims in his back yard. After being prime suspect, Sheen is made an unpaid and unauthorized investigator to help the police figure out who the killer is.

The Scottish scenery is sometimes picturesque, but there are nowhere near enough plot twists to to sustain this film. They could have gone for a psychological thriller like "Silence of the Lambs," an action "Dirty Harry" sort of thing, or a horror a la Hitchcock's "Frenzy," but they instead focused on how long Sheen could go without showing any emotion while mumbling lines. All of the actresses in the images except Hazel Ann Crawford are supposedly dead when we see them.


Cherenay Strand (1, 2, 3, 4) Hazel Ann Crawford (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Susie Lee (1, 2) Lisa Earl Carol Findlay

Johnny Web
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"Hell's Kitchen" (1998)

This is a bleak, dreary and boring movie, shot in lighting levels that are way too low. Instead of an interesting story, it tries to hold viewer attention by taking the characters deeper and deeper into hell - you stole my junk, so I'll fuck your mother, then you kill my brother, then I'll shoot your best friend, and rob your uncle's store, then you'll do five years hard time in prison, and so forth. Sometimes you have to distinguish between drama and melodrama.

The title, Hell's Kitchen, is the seedy part of New York City where the characters live.

It's a first directorial effort from writer/director Tony Cinciripini, so I think we can cut him a little slack and hope for better things in the future. He does have plenty of edge, he seems to have worked well with the actors, and there's raw talent on display, even if it is unchanneled. But I have to give the guy credit for one thing. First movie he's ever made, and he not only manages to get Rosanna Arquette and Jolie in the cast, but he manages to get their clothes off. You figure he has to think this directing stuff ain't such a bad job.

Rosanna plays Jolie's mother, pretty well at that. She's 40, Jolie is 25! She's making a pretty good second stage of her career out of comic and dramatic character roles. And she's still in great shape for forty or for any age.

I don't think the film ever had a theatrical release in the United States.

Jolie (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) Arquette (1, 2, 3, 4) Stripper

"Big City Blues" (1999)

OK, I'll describe a film, you tell me which one it is. Two hit men are driving along in a car, headed for a job. Instead of discussing murder and gangster stuff, they are discussing real estate, settling down with a family, fast food and religion. One of the hit men is played by an actor who used to be the biggest box office star in Hollywood, and is now making a comeback. Later in the movie, two of the main characters are captured by homosexual perverts who bind them in S&M devices.

Your guess? No, Pulp Fiction is wrong. The movie is the immortal "Big City Blues", and the former mega star isn't John Travolta, but Burt Reynolds. This proves, one again, that if there were no Quentin Tarantino, we would have to invent one.

You've read many reviews where the reviewer said the movie was almost unwatchable, right? Usually the reviewer was speaking figuratively. But not this time. This movie is unwatchable. It is so dark that you can't tell what is going on, and three times it literally goes black. I'm guessing that they mishandled the negative or shot it wrong, or something, and then tried to cover it up with some additional dialogue where the characters notice that the lights went out.

In other words, this is a really, really, bad movie. Really bad. Think about "From Hell It Came", "Leonard, Part 6", and those Count Yorga movies from Mexico. Think about the fact that if all other movies were like this, Kevin Costner would win best director every year.

Not to mention best actor.

Georgina Cates was the best thing about the movie, and she got naked. If it had been in better light, that could have been enough for me to forgive the movie quality. At least you can tell it's a woman.
(1, 2, 3, 4)

"Miss Zuza's Diamonds" (1999), from Johnny Web and TomCat

I would review this, except for two things: It is in Polish I haven't seen it I never heard of it

A new contributor named TomCat did the caps, and I just kinda put them together a little. Tell the truth, I don't even know if it is a Polish movie, but TomCat is Polish, our first regualar Polish contributor, and he captured these from TV Polonia. I will be watching that in the future, as my cable company just picked it up to replace the Flemish network. Damn! Just when my Flemish was really getting fluent. The last one is just a collage of Halina Golanko from other sources. Golanko in the movie (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) other Golanko images

Graphic Response
  • Stella Stevens. Shower scene from "Monster in the Closet".
  • Oz
    Tane McClure
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    Comments by Oz:
    "Babe Watch : Forbidden Parody"....When a movie has the word 'Babe' in the title you know that it's not going to be up there amongst the nominations for the Academy Awards. When you find that two of its stars are Tane McClure (as Tané McClure) and Raelyn Saalman then you can be sure it's not going to be nominated.
    Raelyn Saalman
    (1, 2, 3)

    Ashlie Rhey
    (1, 2, 3)

    This movie has the lot - no worthwhile script, poor acting and absolutely shocking accents. The plot has Raelyn Saalman, Ashlie Rhey and Tane McClure training to be life guards at the beach. Also, Raelyn and Ashlie work in a bikini store and Tane is a nude photographic model, so it has all the ingredients for plenty of bare boobs and bikinis. The highlight of the movie turns out to be the 'Smallest legal bathing suit' contest.
    Kelli J Hoffman
    (1, 2, 3)
    Help needed...Is the girl in these collages actually Kelli J. Hoffman? In the credits, Kelli J. Hoffman plays a girl called Bambi. However....Nobody is called by that name in this movie.
    Given the standard of the rest of the film I suspect that she was named but was probably edited out.
    Skin Cinema
    Gabrille Drake Two more 'rare vidcap goodies' from Skin Cinema. is Gabrielle Drake from 1972's "Au Pair Girls".
    Gloria Guida The former Miss Teenage Italy (1974) in full frontal 'caps from "L'Affare s'ingrossa".

    If you would like to see more rare Euro celebs, or video clips from the movies these collages came from, Click here to visit the Skin Cinema we site.

    WhyScan's Page Three Report
    If Page Three is unfamiliar to you, this link describes the Page Three tradition.
    Today's Page 3 girl....Mackenzie (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Bonus Pics
    Rachel Hunter (1, 2)

    Saffron Burrows From the Aussie movie "Hotel de Love". There isn't much too see but that's pretty usual for Saffron.
    Alicia Witt Vidcaps from "Four Rooms".
    Arkie Whitely Topless 'caps from "The Last Musketeer".
    Lisa Robin Kelly Topless vidcaps of "That 70's Show" co-star (in case you're drawing a blank...she plays the older sister with the Farrah Fawcett hairdo) from "Amityville: Dollhouse".
    Lorri Bagely Former Victoria's Secret model turned actress in the only thing close to a nude scene from the movie from "Tommy Boy".
    Pippa Grandison
    (1, 2)
    Aussie actress, from an appearance in Black&White Magazine
    Monet Mazur
    (1, 2)
    Kate Ashfield
    (1, 2)
    Vidcaps from the UK series "A Many Splintered Thing". Typical British TV...everyone seems to show their bum eventually!
    Simone Bendix Also from "A Many Splintered Thing". No bums this time...but she is in the sack and showing a little exposure up top.
    Polly Walker
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    From the Peter Greenaway movie "8˝ Women". I'm not really the expert on his movies, all I do know is that there is usually quite a bit of nudity from pretty much every character in every film. Tuna and Sr. have talked about his work at length, and can offer greater insight. If you're interested, check out the back issues for their comments.
    Toni Collette
    (1, 2)
    The Walrus
    Nikki & Teena Collins
    (1, 2, 3)
    Comments by the Walrus:
    These scans are from an old (Sep '99) edition of Loaded. Haven't seen them anywhere around, so I thought I'd have a go. The girls in question are twin sisters and have appeared in an Oasis video (can't remember which one) and a Colgate toothpaste commercial (unfortunately the 'before and after' shots didn't look like these!).

    Three pics today: #1 is pretty sexy. #2 is a double topless. #3 is a "buns" shot.
    BTW, the moire from the pinstripe suit on 3 gave me a bloody hard time! Enjoy!

    and ...
    Paulina Porizkova An all new, topless paparazzi pic of the supermodel/actress. Thanks to The Honte.
    Emmanuelle Seigner Donbun nabs a few frames of a topless Emmanuelle from "The Ninth Gate".
    Mädchen Amick Ok...this is just strange! Yet I can't help but look at it.

    Like millions of folks around the world, I opted to pass on the New "Fantasy Island". Not just because of the fact that the concept peaked around 1980, but let's face it....Ricardo Montalban is the one, true Mr. Roarke! is what we missed. Mädchen in some kind of "I Dream of Jeannie" fantasy! I think the best part of this fantasy is that they managed to create the illusion that Mädchen had larger breasts. Most of us have already seen her topless from her movies...she must be wearing a Miracle Bra...In this case, the "Parting of the Red Sea" model (also worn by Sigourney Weaver in "Galaxy Quest"). Special thanks to Nwar!

    Click Here!