"Tarzan the Ape Man"

Tarzan the Ape Man (1981) is the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story told from Jane's point of view. While the film has characters in common with the novel, that is where the similarity end. Jane (Bo Derek) arrives in Africa to find her father, an adventurer, who abandoned her and her mother shortly after her birth. He is out to discover a fabled elephant burial ground. Jane, something of an adventurer herself, insist on going on the expedition. When bearers start getting picked off, daddy blames Tarzan, who we have heard in the distance. The bad guys are actually a whole tribe dedicated to body painting and providing the villain role. Jane first encounters Tarzan while bathing nude, then again when he snatches her.

She returns to her father just before they are all captured by the body painters. The stay just long enough for a bunch of topless body painters to wash a naked Jane, then paint her white. The head of the body painters is set to take her virginity, stabs daddy with an elephant tusk, then Tarzan saves the day. Jane leaves with Tarzan.

In the few minutes of running time when we don't have Bo Derek at least topless and painted light green, we have native women showing their breasts. Derek shows breasts, buns, and hints of bush in too many scenes to mention, including a nude swim during the opening credits, and a topless frolic with Tarzan and Cheetah during the entire ending credits.

This is rated 2.9 at IMDb, which puts it number 47 in the bottom hundred films with enough votes to count. Bo received a well deserved Worst Actress Razzie for her effort. Richard Harris, as her father, was way over the top, Miles O'Keeffe as Tarzan was almost as bad as Bo, and the best performance in the film was turned in by C.J, who actually demonstrated acting ability, especially by comparison to the humans in the film. C.J. is an orangutan and played Cheetah. The film garnered many nominations, including Razzies for Worst Actress, Worst Film, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor and Worst Newcomer. Then again, this is listed as one of Bo's three best films, along with 10 and Bolero. Lets look at her career.

1977 Orca 4.4
1979 10 5.7
1980 A Change of Seasons 4.9
1981 Tarzan, the Ape Man 2.9
1981 Fantasies 2.4
1984 Bolero 2.4
1990 Ghosts Can't Do It 2.2
1992 Hot Chocolate 2.4
1993 Woman of Desire 3.9
1995 Tomm Boy 6.4
2000 Frozen with Fear 4.3
2000 Horror 101 4.3
2001 Sunstorm 2.5
2001 Life in the Balance 5.6
2003 Malibu's Most Wanted 4.9

This Gives her a career average of 3.6. She has been appropriately awarded for her efforts.

1984 Sour Apple award
Razzie Nominations for worst actress of the year in 2003, 1996
Razzie Nomination for worst actress of the Century 2000
Won Razzie for worst actress of the Decade 1990
Won Razzie for worst actress 1982, 1985, 1991

To be fair, I never heard her, or anyone else, claim that she could act. She has always been billed as a woman who got naked and looked great, and she did a lot of that here. But couple her usual bad performance with almost universally bad acting, a garbage script and terrible dialogue, and there isn't much here, except eye candy, both because of the nudity, and the locations. The DVD transfer is pristine, but the DVD is otherwise featureless. I will elevate this to F+ on the strength of the nudity and locations/cinematograph.

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  • Bo Derek
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66)

  • Native (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Company

    The Company is Robert Altman's ensemble drama about a short period in the life of a ballet company. It demonstrates some of the creative process that goes into a show; tells a few backstage stories of rivalries, loves, firings, and injuries; and focuses a bit on the life of one mid-level dancer (Neve Campbell) on the verge of stardom. Is it Showgirls remade for highbrows? Well, not exactly, but there are some similarities.

    Frankly, I watched this thing in complete confusion. I can report that it is one of two things:

    a. A brilliant satire on the empty-headed world of artistic poseurs and their sycophantically appreciative audiences.

    b. A demonstration that Robert Altman is utterly clueless.

    Here's the basic summary of what happens. (I can't really use the word "plot" since that would imply some type of momentum that holds one's attention.) A dance company is in the process of producing a ballet called The Blue Snake, as directed by a new choreographer. The choreographer seems to have no idea what he's trying to do, the costumes are about as subtle as the San Diego Chicken, and the whole project smacks of the pretentiousness of the turtle neckers who fancy themselves the only repository of man's artistic sense.

    At the end of the film, The Blue Snake is finally produced and shown in some detail. It is the most baffling, pretentious piece of pseudo-intellectual clap-trap that you are ever likely to see. It is like a fourth grade Halloween Pageant performed by really graceful and artistic athletes. I started to smile when they began performing, and was about ready to start howling with laughter when I saw that the audience of the play-within-a-film was supposed to be mesmerized, pleased, even dazzled, by the brilliance of this work.

    That's when I was beset with the confusion reflected in the second paragraph above. I thought to myself, "Is Altman making fun of the ballet, as well as the idle culture-vultures who go to highbrow performances and museums to mask a lack of education and taste? Or is is possible that Altman himself really thinks this performance of The Blue Snake is a great artistic achievement?" Who the hell knows? I hope it was the former.

    I'll say this, though. If it was satire, no movie critics seemed to pick up on it.

    If you are a great fan of ballet, you'll probably enjoy all the insider stuff and some of the snippets of the performances of the famous Joffrey company, which is featured prominently in the film.  If you are not interested in ballet, you need to take a pass, because the Neve Campbell character is the only one who seems to have much life outside the theater and rehearsal rooms. Apart from the effort to develop her personal story, an effort which is half-hearted at best, there is virtually no character development.

    Come to think of it, the lack of character development makes a pretty good complement for the lack of plot.

    It's a shame that the film is so static and undramatic, because its complete box office failure prevented any significant number of moviegoers from seeing Neve Campbell's performance, in which she did all of her own dancing amid actual members of the Joffrey Ballet, and seemed right in place, despite long unedited takes and intimate camera work. Based upon the reactions of professionals who have seen this film, Neve's performance may be the best instance of an actor simulating a convincing professional performance without camera trickery since Robert Redford did his own hitting and fielding in The Natural.

    Her nudity, however, is just as unimpressive as ever. She got nekkid on camera twice, but after you've seen the scenes, you'll have no sense of ever having seen her naked.

    • Neve Campbell (1, 2)

    • Backstage dancers (1, 2, 3)


    SOME .wmv files, and some related material.

    • I've always thought Bonnie Bedelia was hot, with a helluva body, but her only real nudity (apart from a mini-flash in The Gypsy Moths, was in The Stranger. Here's a sample.
    • Here's Bedelia in The Gypsy Moths, for reference.
    • Somebody wrote me to ask if the Dream Lover DVD is the uncut, unrated version. I wasn't sure. It says R on the box, but the running time is 104 min, and that's supposed to be the length of the unrated version. After looking around, I've found that the answer is NO- it is NOT the unrated version. It must be the R-rated version, as advertised on the box. This clip provides the evidence. There are two scenes not on the DVD (1) the one where she is bent over the table (2) the one where the camera is overhead and she is on top.
    • Here are stills of the two scenes NOT on the DVD (1, 2)



    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated!




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap





    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    The Lady in Red

    Pamela Sue Martin was TV's Nancy Drew, and she did this raunchy gangster flick just a few months after leaving the wholesome family series, presuming to change her image. I guess it did the job it was supposed to do, but her new adult image really didn't lead anywhere except to a role on TV's Dynasty and, not too much later, out of movies and TV altogether.

    Review page

    • PSM in The Lady in Red - dressing. (.avi, .wmv)

    • PSM - the classic women's prison "all right you dames, bend over and spread 'em" scene. (.avi, .wmv)

    • PSM with Robert Forster (.avi, .wmv)



    Penelope Cruz acted in both versions of Open Your Eyes. The first (shown here) was in Spanish, originally titled Abre los ojos, rated in the top #250 at IMDb, and directed by the excellent Chilean director who would later direct the Kidman ghost flick, The Others.

    The second version was an English language remake by Cameron Crowe called Vanilla Sky. Despite the proven winning combination of Crowe and Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire), the film disappointed most audiences, who expected something more ... accessible and warm from those guys.



    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    First up from Brainscan today....a few .avi video clips (encoded with DivX) of the luscious Amber Smith in scenes from "Amber Smith: R.A.W.". Both are from a shower scene segment featuring a soaking wet top that might as well not be there, plus we see pubes in #2!
    • Amber Smith (1, 2)

    Next up, a whole bunch of paparazzi edits.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "Police Academy" (1984)
    Classic comedy in which Kim Cattrall kept on both her pants and shirt. Also, one of the topless bit actresses has been recently identified.

    "Show Me Yours: episode If You Can't Take the Heat"
    All the actresses kept their tops on in this week's episode but alot of action below the skirt.

    "Hollow Point" (1995)
    Russian mob thriller starring Funhouse favorite Donald Sutherland

    "Sam & Me" (1991)
    Gina Wilkinson's natrual D-cups almost runneth over.

    Crimson Ghost
    Today the Ghost takes a look at the made for HBO series "The Hitchhiker"

    • Dayle Haddon, the French-Canadian actress topless and showing far off rear nudity. (1, 2)
    • Dayle Haddon .wmv

    • Bonus nudity from Haddon...Topless and rear views from "The French Woman". (1, 2)

    • Jennifer Cooke, topless. Horror film will recognize her from "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986) (1, 2, 3)
    • Jennifer Cooke .wmv

    • LaGena Hart, a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic also going topless. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • LaGena Hart .wmv

    Nikki Cox Cox showing off tons of cleavage in scenes from an episode of the NBC series "Las Vegas".

    Michelle Branch
    (1, 2)

    The pop singer wearing a see-thru tank top!

    Lindsay Lohan
    (1, 2)

    A few paparazzi pics of the young "it girl" showing tons of cleavage and some near nip slips.

    Lexa Doig The star of the syndicated sci-fi show "Andromeda" going topless in scenes from the direct-to-video movie "No Alibi" (2000).

    Jane Seymour
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Señor Skin 'caps of Dr. Quinn topless and showing some rear nudity in scenes from the Spanish movie "El Túnel" aka "The Tunnel" (1987).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Every Single Day Of My Life! - Paul McCartney told the Daily Mirror newspaper that people overestimate the influence of drugs on the Beatles' music, but there are some connections. He said for about a year around the time of "Sgt. Pepper," he used cocaine balanced with pot, but decided that was "not so cool an idea" and stopped. He also said "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" and "Day Tripper" are both about LSD, and "Got To Get You Into My Life" is "directly about pot, although everyone missed it at the time."

  • "In My Life"...Yeah, that was about pot, too.
  • And "Norwegian Wood" was originally titled "Norwegian Weed."
  • Oddly enough, "Fixing A Hole" is just about spackle, but he was smoking spackle at the time.
  • And of course, he was stoned out of his mind when he wrote, "Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell...Do me a favor, open the door, and let 'em in."

    An Offer He Could Refuse - The National Enquirer reports that the producers of "The Sopranos" mistakenly thought it would be funny to let the cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" burst onto the set and tell James Gandolfini, "Hi, there! Ready for your makeover?" A red-faced Gandolfini told them to "get the BLEEP away from me," and when they persisted, he exploded, "Who the BLEEP let you in here?! Turn those BLEEPin' cameras off, now!!" He reportedly stormed into his dressing room and refused to return until guaranteed the "Queer Eye" guys were gone.

  • They left before someone did an EXTREME makeover on their faces.
  • He may play a Soprano, but he's no soprano!
  • In the mob, you don't get a makeover, you just get made.

    Damn, She's Changed! - The New York Post's Page Six reports that the once famously-lewd Madonna has imposed a "cursing fine" on everyone in her tour, including roadies, who have to put $5 a curse word into a can. Her rep said that it does apply to Madonna herself, and two weeks ago, she shrieked at her dancers, "Get it right or get the BLEEP out!," then put $5 into the can.

  • Or as Madonna calls it, "the BLEEP-ing can."
  • By this point, she's put a little over $30 million into the can.
  • The money will go to Madonna, to buy soap to wash her kids' mouths out with when they start talking like mom.

    Fat Cooties! - Several fancy Beverly Hills stores are under fire for size discrimination for their treatment of size-12 "Hairspray" star, Marissa Winokur. In a scene out of "Pretty Woman," she went shopping on Rodeo Drive for a Tony Awards gown and was repeatedly insulted by snooty clerks. One told her to put down a gown before she ruined it. At Neiman's, they ignored her. At Gucci, a clerk sneered, "Your boobs won't fit in that dress," which Winokur said they never would've told Jessica Simpson. Winokur said she was ready to spend $10,000 on a gown, but nobody would wait on her. In tears, she called her friend, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who told top designers, who are now flying gowns to her from Italy.

  • The moral: it pays to have skinny friends.
  • Those gowns might cost a little more, what with the extra material.
  • They're all size 2, but she still has four days to get liposuction.
  • They didn't shun her because she was fat; they shunned her because she only had $10,000 to spend.
  • Worse, she finally went to Wal-Mart, and they told her to "get her skinny ass out of here!"

    60 Minuteman - Philadelphia has become the first major US city to begin airing a tourism commercial aimed specifically at gay tourists. The head of the tourism board said they're not saying Philadelphia is a gay destination, but "it's a gay-friendly destination." The ad shows a man in colonial dress waiting by Independence Hall. He rebuffs a pass from a woman and instead gives a bouquet of flowers to a man. The tag line: "Come to Philadelphia. Get your history straight and your nightlife gay."

  • This gives a whole new meaning to "The City of Brotherly Love."
  • That's not a man in a powdered wig and colonial dress...It's Elton John.
  • That can't be Ben Franklin...He'd NEVER rebuff a pass from a woman.
  • There's a movie about gay people called "Philadelphia," but it's not the best tourism ad.