"Tarzan the Ape Man"
Tarzan the Ape Man (1981) is the classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story told from Jane's point of view. While the film has characters in common with the novel, that is where the similarity end. Jane (Bo Derek) arrives in Africa to find her father, an adventurer, who abandoned her and her mother shortly after her birth. He is out to discover a fabled elephant burial ground. Jane, something of an adventurer herself, insist on going on the expedition. When bearers start getting picked off, daddy blames Tarzan, who we have heard in the distance. The bad guys are actually a whole tribe dedicated to body painting and providing the villain role. Jane first encounters Tarzan while bathing nude, then again when he snatches her.
She returns to her father just before they are all captured by the body painters. The stay just long enough for a bunch of topless body painters to wash a naked Jane, then paint her white. The head of the body painters is set to take her virginity, stabs daddy with an elephant tusk, then Tarzan saves the day. Jane leaves with Tarzan.
In the few minutes of running time when we don't have Bo Derek at least topless and painted light green, we have native women showing their breasts. Derek shows breasts, buns, and hints of bush in too many scenes to mention, including a nude swim during the opening credits, and a topless frolic with Tarzan and Cheetah during the entire ending credits.
This is rated 2.9 at IMDb, which puts it number 47 in the bottom hundred films with enough votes to count. Bo received a well deserved Worst Actress Razzie for her effort. Richard Harris, as her father, was way over the top, Miles O'Keeffe as Tarzan was almost as bad as Bo, and the best performance in the film was turned in by C.J, who actually demonstrated acting ability, especially by comparison to the humans in the film. C.J. is an orangutan and played Cheetah. The film garnered many nominations, including Razzies for Worst Actress, Worst Film, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor and Worst Newcomer. Then again, this is listed as one of Bo's three best films, along with 10 and Bolero. Lets look at her career.
A Change of Seasons
Tarzan, the Ape Man
Ghosts Can't Do It
Woman of Desire
Frozen with Fear
Life in the Balance
Malibu's Most Wanted
This Gives her a career average of 3.6. She has been appropriately awarded for her efforts.
1984 Sour Apple award
Razzie Nominations for worst actress of the year in 2003, 1996
Razzie Nomination for worst actress of the Century 2000
Won Razzie for worst actress of the Decade 1990
Won Razzie for worst actress 1982, 1985, 1991
To be fair, I never heard her, or anyone else, claim that she could act. She has always been billed as a woman who got naked and looked great, and she did a lot of that here. But couple her usual bad performance with almost universally bad acting, a garbage script and terrible dialogue, and there isn't much here, except eye candy, both because of the nudity, and the locations. The DVD transfer is pristine, but the DVD is otherwise featureless. I will elevate this to F+ on the strength of the nudity and locations/cinematograph.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The Company is Robert Altman's ensemble drama about a
short period in the life of a ballet company. It demonstrates some
of the creative process that goes into a show; tells a few backstage
stories of rivalries, loves, firings, and injuries; and focuses a bit on
the life of one mid-level dancer (Neve Campbell) on the verge of
stardom. Is it Showgirls remade for highbrows? Well, not exactly,
but there are some similarities.
Frankly, I watched this thing in complete confusion.
I can report that it is one of two things:
a. A brilliant satire on the empty-headed world of
artistic poseurs and their sycophantically appreciative audiences.
b. A demonstration that Robert Altman is utterly
Here's the basic summary of what happens. (I can't
really use the word "plot" since that would imply some type of
momentum that holds one's attention.) A dance company is in the
process of producing a ballet called The Blue Snake, as directed by
a new choreographer. The choreographer seems to have no idea what
he's trying to do, the costumes are about as subtle as the San Diego
Chicken, and the whole project smacks of the pretentiousness of the
turtle neckers who fancy themselves the only repository of man's
At the end of the film, The Blue Snake is finally
produced and shown in some detail. It is the most baffling,
pretentious piece of pseudo-intellectual clap-trap that you are ever
likely to see. It is like a fourth grade Halloween Pageant performed
by really graceful and artistic athletes. I started to smile when
they began performing, and was about ready to start howling with
laughter when I saw that the audience of the play-within-a-film was
supposed to be mesmerized, pleased, even dazzled, by the brilliance
of this work.
That's when I was beset with the confusion reflected
in the second paragraph above. I thought to myself, "Is Altman
making fun of the ballet, as well as the idle culture-vultures who
go to highbrow performances and museums to mask a lack of education
and taste? Or is is possible that Altman himself really thinks this
performance of The
Blue Snake is a great artistic achievement?" Who the hell knows? I
hope it was the former.
I'll say this, though. If it was satire, no movie
critics seemed to pick up on it.
If you are a great fan of ballet, you'll probably
enjoy all the insider stuff and some of the snippets of the
performances of the famous Joffrey company, which is featured prominently in
the film. If you are not interested in ballet, you need to
take a pass, because the Neve Campbell character is the only one who
seems to have much life outside the theater and rehearsal rooms.
Apart from the effort to develop her personal story, an effort which
is half-hearted at best, there is virtually no character
Come to think of it, the lack of character
development makes a pretty good complement for the lack of plot.
It's a shame that the film is so static and
undramatic, because its complete box office failure prevented any significant
number of moviegoers from seeing Neve Campbell's performance, in
which she did all of her own dancing amid actual members of the
Joffrey Ballet, and seemed right in place, despite long unedited
takes and intimate camera work. Based upon the reactions of
professionals who have seen this film, Neve's performance may be the best instance of an
actor simulating a convincing professional performance without
camera trickery since Robert
Redford did his own hitting and fielding in The Natural.
Her nudity, however, is just as unimpressive as
ever. She got nekkid on camera twice, but after you've seen the
scenes, you'll have no sense of ever having seen her naked.
SOME .wmv files, and some related material.
- I've always thought Bonnie Bedelia was hot, with a helluva
body, but her only real nudity (apart from a mini-flash in The
Gypsy Moths, was in The Stranger. Here's a sample.
- Here's Bedelia in The Gypsy Moths, for reference.
- Somebody wrote me to ask if the Dream Lover DVD is the uncut,
unrated version. I wasn't sure. It says R on the box, but the
running time is 104 min, and that's supposed to be the length of
the unrated version. After looking around, I've found that the
answer is NO- it is NOT the unrated version. It must be the
R-rated version, as advertised on the box. This clip provides the
evidence. There are two scenes not on the DVD (1) the one where
she is bent over the table (2) the one where the camera is
overhead and she is on top.
- Here are stills of the two scenes NOT on the DVD (1,
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated!
Bush Approval Ratings Show Historical Levels of Polarization.
Nude cycling declared a sin, although the Lord will
forgive the male cyclists because we can see they're nuts.
O.J. Simpson angry at his ex-wife.
- Well, jeez, sorry, big fella, you could really be giving her
a good lecture right now, except for one minor detail ...
- OJ also mentioned that he's going to do a new celebrity
prank show, kind of like Punk'd. It's kinda cute. OJ kills your
girlfriend, and they film your reaction.
Here's the trailer for White Chicks. This might be
funny, but it also has the potential for suckitude on a level
unseen since Begnini's Pinocchio.
President Bush to award Pope a shiny new medal.
Chalabi accuses George Tenet of being behind allegations against
him. Oh, sure, the accusations are all true, but they
came from Tenet, so they don't count! "I denied these charges, and
I'll deny them again", said Chalabi, "because lying keeps me
JoBlo.com's interview with Roger Ebert.
The bad news: Ben Affleck can't speak. The good news: the same.
Saved! - The first 3.5 minutes, plus seven other scenes.
Here is the trailer for the highly-anticipated Howard Hughes
biopic, The Aviator . Directed by Martin Scorsese,
Lost in Translation star Bill Murray has joined the cast of Andy
Garcia's The Lost City, a Cuban love story that also
stars Dustin Hoffman, Tomas Millian and Ines Sastre. Hoffman will
portray gangster Meyer Lansky in the 50s.
- This is a repeat, but worth seeing if you have not yet.
The Honda Accord commercial where they turn the auto parts into a
massive Rube Goldberg device.
Schwarzenegger betting on Lakers victory. If Arnold
loses, he'll have to wear a Pistons jersey while he eats a warm
Michigan meat pie and drinks a Vernor's. If the Michigan governor
loses, she'll have to wear a Lakers Jersey while she eats the most
popular meal in California - Arnold's dick.
Windows Media Player 10 is now available in a "Technical Beta"
- You may want to bookmark this one. URL speaks for itself:
Video Premiere - Will Ferrell in "Afternoon Delight", from
For want of a small change to the Illinois election law, President
Bush's name is not supposed to be on the state's November ballot
- Officials said one way or another, it will be there, no
matter how many laws they have to break.
- Representatives of the Diebold company said it was not an
important issue, since the voting machines will give the
President 54.7% of the Illinois vote irrespective of how people
Stars Take Center Stage at Kerry Fund-Raisers. "We did
very well with younger voters in the primaries but they will be a
hard-fought battleground in the general election, so concerts such
as these are an enormous asset to us". Yeah, Neil Diamond and
Barbra Streisand are the real key to that younger voter
Iverson's ticketed for parking in a handicapped spot. I
say give him a pass. I saw him play this year.
An Australian kids' show has stirred up controversy with a
storyline featuring a young girl's two mothers.
Yahoo Plays Favorites with Some Adware
Capitol Hill Blue says Bush Knew About Leak of CIA Operative's
Name: "Witnesses told a federal grand jury President
George W. Bush knew about, and took no action to stop, the release
of a covert CIA operative's name to a journalist "
Court rules strippers must wear ID cards: "The industry
contends that its businesses are singled out for such treatment
and that requiring dancers to display their real names could
endanger their safety. Most perform under stage names. "
As of May 25, North Korea has recalled all mobile phones from its
Larry King's interview with Bill Maher
Al Gore calmly insists he's not insane. He says the
little men in his head are his friends, and even have names.
Clinton on the campaign trail for his memoir. He heard
that writers have groupies.
J.K. Rowling And Her Magical Cash Cow. The author is
now a billionaire.
Ru-Master 5 - the ultimate heavy-duty cow magnet!
- Amazing -
Paul Smith's Typewriter Art
Janet Jackson Says She Has a Sexual Mind.
President Bush's Telegram Thanking Ahmed Chalabi
George J. Tenet, the head of the Central Intelligence Agency, has
resigned, for the "well-being of his wonderful family".
Apparently, somebody threatened to hurt his kids if he didn't
The Ring 2 now has an Official Movie Site
The trailer for the documentary With All Deliberate Speed
: "Documentary filmmaker Peter Gilbert unearths the legacy
of the landmark Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of
Education -- where it was ruled that 'in the field of public
education, the doctrine of 'separate but equal' has no place' --
via never-before-heard stories from people directly responsible
for, and greatly affected by, the original case."
USA leads the world in mental illness. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Reichstag shoot is not mission impossible
Can politically-charged films affect votes? Absolutely.
I considered voting for Clinton after I saw Showgirls.
Pentagon starts polygraph testing in Chalabi inquiry
Australian censors say latest Harry Potter film not for kids
Alligator Walks Into Fla. Restaurant. Where's Henny
Youngman? OK, I'll do it ... Maitre d' says, "we don't get many
alligators in here". Gator says, "at these prices, I'm not
President Bush has lined up an outside lawyer for legal advice in
the CIA operative leak. WTF? Until I read this, I
didn't think he had anything at all to do with that in any way.
It's Cheney and his men who are targeted by the investigation. But
if that's the case, why would he need a lawyer?
Protests banned in Paris for Bush visit. Call me crazy,
but I predict that there will be plenty of French protests anyway.
Maybe even more than there would have been if they were not
banned. The French do not take this sort of thing lightly.
The official site has posted two more TV spots for The Chronicles
of Riddick. (If you are at work, or surfing while
people are sleeping, turn your sound way down. This site is one
- This week's movies:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: 87% positive reviews
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words from Scoop.
.avi's from Shiloh.
.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.
The Lady in Red
Pamela Sue Martin was TV's Nancy Drew, and she did
this raunchy gangster flick just a few months after leaving the
wholesome family series, presuming to change her image. I guess it
did the job it was supposed to do, but her new adult image really
didn't lead anywhere except to a role on TV's Dynasty and, not too
much later, out of movies and TV altogether.
PSM in The Lady in Red - dressing. (.avi, .wmv)
PSM - the classic women's prison "all right you
dames, bend over and spread 'em" scene. (.avi, .wmv)
PSM with Robert Forster (.avi, .wmv)
Penelope Cruz acted in both versions of
Open Your Eyes. The first (shown here) was in Spanish,
originally titled Abre los ojos, rated in the top #250 at IMDb, and
directed by the excellent Chilean director who would later direct
the Kidman ghost flick, The Others.
The second version was an
English language remake by Cameron Crowe called
Despite the proven winning combination of Crowe and Tom Cruise
(Jerry Maguire), the film disappointed most audiences, who expected
something more ... accessible and warm from those guys.
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
First up from Brainscan today....a few .avi video clips (encoded with DivX) of the luscious Amber Smith in scenes from "Amber Smith: R.A.W.". Both are from a shower scene segment featuring a soaking wet top that might as well not be there, plus we see pubes in #2!
Next up, a whole bunch of paparazzi edits.
- Agnes Bruckner...great shirt!
- Alex Best, the UK babe caught topless by the paparazzi.
- Alexa Vega, the "Spy Kids" star.
- Alison Lohman, partial breast views.
- Alyson Hannigan, the "Buffy" and "American Pie" star looking good on the red carpet.
- Angelina Jolie, pokies and some partial breast exposure.
- Angie Everhart
- Avril Lavigne
- Dina Meyer
- Emma Bunton, the UK singer formerly known as "Baby Spice".
- Geri Halliwell, the Spice formerly known as "Ginger" showing some cleavage.
- Inma del Moral the Spanish model/actress caught topless at the beach.
- Jennifer Aniston, in a bikini.
- Natalie Portman's dress turns see-thru under the flash bulbs to reveal just a hint of thong!
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"Police Academy" (1984)
Classic comedy in which Kim Cattrall kept on
both her pants and shirt. Also, one of the topless
bit actresses has been recently identified.
"Show Me Yours: episode If You Can't Take the Heat"
All the actresses kept their tops on in this week's episode
but alot of action below the skirt.
"Hollow Point" (1995)
Russian mob thriller starring Funhouse favorite Donald Sutherland
"Sam & Me" (1991)
Gina Wilkinson's natrual D-cups almost runneth over.
Today the Ghost takes a look at the made for HBO series "The Hitchhiker"
- Dayle Haddon, the French-Canadian actress topless and showing far off rear nudity.
- Dayle Haddon .wmv
- Bonus nudity from Haddon...Topless and rear views from "The French Woman".
- Jennifer Cooke, topless. Horror film will recognize her from "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986)
- Jennifer Cooke .wmv
- LaGena Hart, a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic also going topless.
- LaGena Hart .wmv
||Cox showing off tons of cleavage in scenes from an episode of the NBC series "Las Vegas".
|The pop singer wearing a see-thru tank top!
|A few paparazzi pics of the young "it girl" showing tons of cleavage and some near nip slips.
||The star of the syndicated sci-fi show "Andromeda" going topless in scenes from the direct-to-video movie "No Alibi" (2000).
|Señor Skin 'caps of Dr. Quinn topless and showing some rear nudity in scenes from the Spanish movie "El Túnel" aka "The Tunnel" (1987).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
McCARTNEY REVEALS BEATLE SONGS' DRUG LINKS
Every Single Day Of My Life! - Paul McCartney told the Daily Mirror
newspaper that people overestimate the influence of drugs on the Beatles'
music, but there are some connections. He said for about a year around the
time of "Sgt. Pepper," he used cocaine balanced with pot, but decided that
was "not so cool an idea" and stopped. He also said "Lucy In The Sky With
Diamonds" and "Day Tripper" are both about LSD, and "Got To Get You Into My
Life" is "directly about pot, although everyone missed it at the time."
"In My Life"...Yeah, that was about pot, too.
And "Norwegian Wood" was originally titled "Norwegian Weed."
Oddly enough, "Fixing A Hole" is just about spackle, but he was smoking
spackle at the time.
And of course, he was stoned out of his mind when he wrote, "Someone's
knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell...Do me a favor, open the
door, and let 'em in."
"QUEER EYE" FOR TONY SOPRANO
An Offer He Could Refuse - The National Enquirer reports that the producers
of "The Sopranos" mistakenly thought it would be funny to let the cast of
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" burst onto the set and tell James
Gandolfini, "Hi, there! Ready for your makeover?" A red-faced Gandolfini
told them to "get the BLEEP away from me," and when they persisted, he
exploded, "Who the BLEEP let you in here?! Turn those BLEEPin' cameras
off, now!!" He reportedly stormed into his dressing room and refused to
return until guaranteed the "Queer Eye" guys were gone.
They left before someone did an EXTREME makeover on their faces.
He may play a Soprano, but he's no soprano!
In the mob, you don't get a makeover, you just get made.
MADONNA FINES CREW FOR CURSING
Damn, She's Changed! - The New York Post's Page Six reports that the once
famously-lewd Madonna has imposed a "cursing fine" on everyone in her tour,
including roadies, who have to put $5 a curse word into a can. Her rep
said that it does apply to Madonna herself, and two weeks ago, she shrieked
at her dancers, "Get it right or get the BLEEP out!," then put $5 into the
Or as Madonna calls it, "the BLEEP-ing can."
By this point, she's put a little over $30 million into the can.
The money will go to Madonna, to buy soap to wash her kids' mouths out
with when they start talking like mom.
RODEO DRIVE STORES SHUN CHUBBY CELEBRITY
Fat Cooties! - Several fancy Beverly Hills stores are under fire for size
discrimination for their treatment of size-12 "Hairspray" star, Marissa
Winokur. In a scene out of "Pretty Woman," she went shopping on Rodeo
Drive for a Tony Awards gown and was repeatedly insulted by snooty clerks.
One told her to put down a gown before she ruined it. At Neiman's, they
ignored her. At Gucci, a clerk sneered, "Your boobs won't fit in that
dress," which Winokur said they never would've told Jessica Simpson.
Winokur said she was ready to spend $10,000 on a gown, but nobody would
wait on her. In tears, she called her friend, Vogue editor Anna Wintour,
who told top designers, who are now flying gowns to her from Italy.
The moral: it pays to have skinny friends.
Those gowns might cost a little more, what with the extra material.
They're all size 2, but she still has four days to get liposuction.
They didn't shun her because she was fat; they shunned her because she
only had $10,000 to spend.
Worse, she finally went to Wal-Mart, and they told her to
"get her skinny ass out of here!"
PHILLY TARGETS GAY TOURISTS
60 Minuteman - Philadelphia has become the first major US city to begin
airing a tourism commercial aimed specifically at gay tourists. The head
of the tourism board said they're not saying Philadelphia is a gay
destination, but "it's a gay-friendly destination." The ad shows a man in
colonial dress waiting by Independence Hall. He rebuffs a pass from a
woman and instead gives a bouquet of flowers to a man. The tag line: "Come
to Philadelphia. Get your history straight and your nightlife gay."
This gives a whole new meaning to "The City of Brotherly Love."
That's not a man in a powdered wig and colonial dress...It's Elton John.
That can't be Ben Franklin...He'd NEVER rebuff a pass from a woman.
There's a movie about gay people called "Philadelphia," but it's not the
best tourism ad.