Happy Labor Day


Robin Hood


I've written many times in the past that science fiction movies rarely show even the vaguest interest in what the future might really be like, but are invariably making some point about the present. Typically something troubles the author about his own times, and he doesn't want to make the point directly, so he creates a "what if" scenario which inflates and exaggerates whatever bothers him and locates it in some imagined future world.

The results can sometimes be utterly illogical. "Children of Men," for example, postulates a world without young men which somehow is much more violent than the current world, as if it were only today's inflated level of youthful testosterone which keeps us from teetering into chaos. Interesting movie. Nicely filmed. Totally wrong about everything. The reason? It is really about today, not about the world that would exist if the premise were valid, so the script makes no genuine effort to imagine what the world would be like with no young men. (In order to do that, it had to make a special effort to ignore a fairly well reasoned source novel.)

It is not only the cinematic version of the future, but also the re-imagined past which can simply be the present in disguise. Historical epics often do the same things as sci-fi films, except they do it in reverse. Robin Hood films are never really about England during the absence of Richard the Lion-Hearted. That's just a pretense to make some point about the period in which the author is writing. The Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood was produced in 1938, in the depths of the Great Depression, and so it was about the sad plight of poor people who had nothing to eat while the cruel aristocrats continued to live comfortable lives. It was about wealth re-distribution, and could well have been written by John Steinbeck. It was The Grapes of Wrath in a period piece, substituting the king's plentiful but forbidden deer for the plentiful but forbidden produce which had to be destroyed while starving people watched.

Similarly, the new Russell Crowe version is about 2010. It's actually a Robin Hood prequel and Robbo never does get around to any serious wealth re-distribution. Some of the points made by the characters are:

  • If the people of our country continue to squabble internally and do not band together against our common enemy, we will be destroyed.
  • Our leader is too youthful and inexperienced to be conducting a war.
  • The central government has gotten too big, and taxes too oppressive. The people need to be empowered and their individual liberties need to be restored.
  • Women can play an important part in combat units.

You get the idea. Robin Hood is a Tea Partier and the French are his al-Qaeda. Price John is his Obama. And so forth.

In other words, it's not about Robin Hood at all. It's about some random medieval warrior who has vague allegorical connections to our own time. The movie could and probably should be called "Robert Longstride," except that such a name is not an established brand, while "Robin Hood" is. As Deep Throat advised, "Follow the money." Fewer people than expected went to see "Robin Hood" ($105M gross versus a $200M budget), but the number was still far greater than those who would have gone to see "Robert Longstride."

Setting all that aside, it is a fairly good movie. It does have some strong positives, but they are balanced by equally strong negatives.

On the positive side, the cast is outstanding and the director is Ridley Scott, who knows a thing or two about the presentation of epics. The narrative is straightforward and involving.

On the negative side, the biggest problem is that the film is 141 minutes long and not much fun. There is potential for great humor in the exchanges between Robin and his men, or between Robin and Marian, who are forced to feign marriage. There could always be laughs milked from Friar Tuck, or the way the Merry Men embarrass the stuffy and inept authorities. Look to another movie for that. These men ain't that merry, and this Robin Hood is one serious hombre. He wasn't back in England while Dick Lionheart crusaded, but was out there doing his own share of the crusading for a decade. He returned to England as a hardened, battle-scarred warrior.

There are other problems with the film as well. The characters are too one-dimensional and a few plot elements seem hastily conceived, or totally unnecessary, or illogical. Because of those problems, I did feel an occasional tinge of annoyance as I watched, but I was in a forgiving mood because I was involved in the story and enjoyed the period re-creations and the spectacle. That mood did not last. The film's reserve of good will was quickly exhausted during the final battles between the re-united English and the French. These scenes are just absurd. The French make their English landing with boats that look like WW2 landing crafts. The various parts of the English army cover a ridiculously large geographical area in supersonic time. Maid Marian and a bunch of little kids on ponies take on trained French soldiers.

If those battle scenes were not already silly enough, the final French surrender is followed with a giant leap of illogic. Robin ends the battle as England's greatest hero. About sixty seconds later, King John declares him to be an outlaw. Huh? Talk about jealousy. It seems that John's only beef is that HE wants to be England's greatest hero, and God decreed it so, by golly, so ol' Robbo has to go. Sorry, dude.

The net effect of that abrupt ending is to make it seem as if we have been watching a story about some random medieval guy when the screenwriter suddenly caught a glimpse of his script and realized that the title was "Robin Hood," whereupon he had an "oops" moment and wrote a brief scene in which King John said, "Oh, by the way, the great hero Robin Longstride is an outlaw now. Advisors - he'll need a catchy new name, but make it still 'Robin something' so we remember who he is. Work on it."


There is a little bit of flesh, despite the film's PG-13 rating.



HBO did not air its usual Sunday schedule of first-time programming. True Blood, Entourage and Hung conclude their seasons next Sunday.


  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










in 1920x1080


Kerry Condon and Lyndsey Marshall (samples below)


Marshall and Condon




Bettie Page

Catrinel Menghia

Jade Jagger

Leah De Wavrin

Sophia Loren

Ursula Andress

Maria Vaslova in Abducted by the Daleks


Eliza Borecka in Abducted by the Daleks

Katarzyna Zelnik in Abducted by the Daleks

Sonja Karina in Abducted by the Daleks

Vivian Bartsch in Models


Tania Petrovsky in Models

Julia Ormond in Baby of Macon (HQ)


Julie Ordon on St Barts

Julie Ordon in Marie Claire

Julie Ordon in Marie Claire's French edition (see more of Julie in the "clips" section)




Julie Ordon in Point and Shoot (sample below)

Must see: Monica Bellucci and Elisa Morucci in the uncut version of Malena (samples below)

The clip is not great quality, but this is a great movie, and world-class nudity from a spectacular beauty and others. The frontal below is new to me! Somebody needs to get this uncut edition out in Blu-Ray. I'll be first in line. The import DVD (2-disc set) is now selling for hundreds of dollars at Amazon.

Alicia Roda in Sang froid (720p, sample below)

Elodie Bouleau in Sang froid (720p, sample below)

Laura Smet in Sang froid (720p, multiple samples below)


Roxanne Pallett in the trailer for Lake Placid 3 (sample below)

Rita Kvist in The Man Who Sold the World (no sound, samples below)

Laura Del Sol in Carmen (samples below)

Ngo Thanh Van in The Rebel (sample below)

C2000's comments: "A couple of movies from Vietnam. The actresses don't quite deliver the nudity but get close.

The Rebel is set in 1920s the battles between pro and anti French Vietnamese.

The White Silk Dress is the love story of Dan (a beautiful young woman) and Gu (a humpback), servants from two separate households in Ha Dong, Vietnam who have suffered most of their lives at the hands of their cruel masters. The couple flee south soon after Gu presents Dan with a wedding gift - the precious white silk dress his mother had owned (his one valuable possession), while he promises her a proper marriage someday in the future. The couple arrive in the seaside town of Hoi An and build a new life, with Dan ultimately giving birth to 4 daughters. Despite struggling through immense poverty and hardships, the family is happy and fulfilled as long as they have each other, but the horrors of the encroaching war brings tragedy and threatens to tear them apart."

Trong Ngoc Anh in The White Silk Dress (samples below).