Queen Margot (1994) is a French costumer of 144 minutes with French subtitles, and occurs during a 1572 religious war between Catholics and Protestants. Not exactly my kind of film to begin with, and certainly nothing I should try to stay awake for during a record heat wave. It didn't help that it started with soothing music, behind a text explanation setting up the story. The multi-screen exposition started, "France is deeply divided by the wars of religion raging across Europe. Catholics and Protestants have been fighting and killing each other for years." to which I would add, "they kept doing it," and be done with the plot summary. While the film looks great, I had absolutely no interest in the events, and did not know much about the historical figures. Unfortunately, they assumed the viewer was intimate with these historical figures, and didn't take the time to set the players and develop characters.

Isabelle Adjani shows a breast having sex in an alley, then full frontal near the end of the film. There is also a quick flash of someone's public hair, by the character played by Asia Argento. I have no opinion as to whether the curly hairs belong to her or not, but the angel tattoo was not present. IMDB readers have this at 7.4 of 10. It was nominated for an Oscar for Best Costume design, won a jury prize and best actress at Cannes, a Golden Globe for Best Foreign Language film, and got most of the acting and cinematography Cesars. Critics treat it respectfully, with Ebert awarding 2 stars, and Berardinelli three. It is 67% overall at ROtten Tomatoes, with 50% from the top critics. I was bored to tears, and frankly hit the fast forward nearly every time I woke up during the film, but some people clearly like it, so the proper score is C, great stuff if marathon subtitled French historical costumers are your kind of film.

Note on Tuna's column above:

If I remember right, Charlie told me that the sex scene in Queen Margot is not Isabelle Adjani, but an admitted body double (this is also true of scenes in Diabolique). As in Diabolique, some of the scenes include a head, but the scenes are shot in such a manner as to obscure her face.

The scene of her in the mask looks like it is really Adjani.

Updates:

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

There's Something About Mary (1998):

Here's a movie to test any given film critic to see if they are in the right profession. Here we have the film chosen as the best comedy of the 90's in several forums, including our own poll. You could include it in a list of the ten funniest films ever made, and not raise an eyebrow. It was a massive commercial success, and was one of the best-reviewed comedies of the decade. Given the fact that it can also bring a tear to your eye, is also an artistic triumph on many levels, from the startlingly good photography to the Greek chorus musicians, and is almost unceasingly funny, it is not unreasonable to argue that it's the greatest comedy ever made. And can you name any other movie that gets movie audiences laughing, dancing, and singing along during the closing credits?

So if you find a critic who gave this a poor review, ask yourself - what the hell are they doing in the movie reviewing business in the first place, when they gave a poor review to a film which might be the best comedy film ever made? Are they there to impose their taste on you, and to tell you that you should be watching Andrei Rublev instead? Are they there to promote the fact that no comedies can ever be worthwhile? You have to wonder.

Similarly, genuinely funny comedies never get nominated for Oscars. The only ones that make it to the red carpet are character-based films like Shakespeare in Love or Tootsie. (Tootsie's funniest moments weren't even in the script, but were just Bill Murray improvising, being himself.) Name a truly funny movie, and it wasn't nominated for anything. Airplane - nothin'. Duck Soup - zip. Blazing Saddles and The Producers - nada. Office Space - zilch. South Park - el zippo. Groundhog Day - zero. Something About Mary - goose egg. American Pie - squat. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - jack shit. About the only funny guy who gets Oscar nominations is Woody Allen, and he didn't get them until he started to be serious and make the humor a backdrop for his thoughts about relationships.

In fact, many reviewers do despise comedies because funny films disempower the critic. With a drama, there are many subjective issues which can be evaluated in the measurement of a film. With a comedy, you really don't even need a critic. Rather than subjective standards, you could measure comedies objectively. You could just set up one of those laugh-meters in the theater and measure the frequency and volume of laughter. Report the frequency and amplitude in the paper - bingo. Instant evaluation. Add some demographic detail about who is laughing the most and there's not really any need for a critic, except to tell prospective audiences what kind of comedy it is.

Many large laughs = great comedy. But, you see, this simple and obvious comedy equation is lost on critics and the academy. (To their credit, the British do award great comedies once in a while. Groundhog Day was awarded the BAFTA for best screenplay, over The Friggin' Piano.) It seems pretty obvious that the best comedy film is the one which makes the most people laugh the loudest, but even this simple concept is too complicated for the academy. As strange as it seems, actual humor is almost an automatic disqualification for a comedy! The only way for a comedy film to get nominated for an Oscar is to avoid making audiences laugh.

There's Something About Mary didn't follow that path.

In an era when comedies are considered great if they produce one good gag for every ten attempts, this film manages to pull off almost every gag successfully. There's Something About Mary had audiences falling out of their chairs non-stop. Its funniest scenes are side-splitting, and Matt Dillon is truly hilarious in one of the great comedy performances of all time.

The premise:

When Ben Stiller was in high school, he was a complete geek, but he somehow managed to get a prom date with, Mary, the prettiest girl in school (Cameron Diaz, looking magnificent with long hair). That date was a complete disaster, which hit its nadir before it even began, when Stiller used the bathroom at Mary's house, and caught his genitals in his zipper.

Mary had moved away by the time Ben recovered, but he never forgot her. More that a decade later, he hired a private detective to find her. Unfortunately, the investigator was a complete sleazeball (Matt Dillon, in one of the best comedy performances of all time) who took one look at the adult Mary (still Cameron Diaz, now looking magnificent with short hair), and decided to court her himself. As it develops, at least two other guys are working similar scams on Mary, and even former NFL MVP Brett Favre is in the competition (no need to polish up an extra Oscar for Favre), but Stiller eventually decided to get back in the game anyway because, well, because there's just something about Mary.

Cameron Diaz brought a wonderfully centered, sweet, good-natured life to Mary that raised the film from merely funny all the way to "priceless". Her character, and her interpretation of it, anchored the film with genuine good feeling, joy, and generosity that balanced off nicely with the gross stuff and the conniving of her suitors.

The new DVD is so loaded that even I, loving the film as I do, could only absorb a small portion of it. Bravo to the Farrellys, Matt, Cam, Ben, those singers, and every other element that came together to make this film such a freakin' treasure.

Needless to say, the film is an A. It was a hit with critics and a tremendous commercial success, demonstrating wide appeal.

• Cameron Diaz. She's not naked, but she's still Cameron Diaz. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

The Advocate (1993):

[This film is also known as The Hour of the Pig]

This is a cynical look at human nature, as filtered through France in the Dark Ages.

Colin Firth plays a brilliant lawyer who tires of the politicking and compromises necessary to practice in Paris, so he decides to move to a small town, where he can build an estate which he could not afford in Paris, and thus enjoy the simple country life in a stress-free life of property adjudications and domestic disputes.

It doesn't quite work out that way. He finds out that the small town is filled with as many deals and intrigues as Paris, the crimes are just as horrifying as in the city, and everything is further complicated by the almost unchecked power of the local baron. After he has been in town for only a short while, he is asked to defend a pig who has been accused of murdering a young boy. In the law of that place and time, an animal could be held responsible for criminal acts, and could be sent to the gallows like a man.

The lawyer is embroiled in a complex controversy. He is in love with the gypsy woman who owns the pig, and the animal represents not only food to the gypsies, but their rights as citizens, because they know for a fact that the pig was tethered while the crime was committed. Therefore, Firth is under immense pressure to defend the pig and set it free. On the other hand, the absolute authority of the baron cannot be challenged, and the baron wants the pig to be found guilty, for his own dark reasons related to the real fate of the murdered boy. Firth has to figure out a solution that will satisfy all parties.

It's an interesting movie, written for intellectuals, comparable to the plays of Robert Bolt or James Goldman in that it uses Medieval civilization as a window through which we may view as much about our times and nature as theirs -  if there truly is any meaningful difference. Although the film is not played out as a comedy, the dialogue is constructed to make use of situational irony, thus revealing additional and different attitudes than the ones shown ostensibly. Thus, there is nothing remotely funny about the scene in which a man and his she-ass are to be hanged for copulation with one another, yet the situation is so ludicrous, and the donkey seems so out of place on the gallows, that the humor is evident, although it is never betrayed by the tone. The funniest thing in the entire film is when the hanging is stopped by a last-minute reprieve, the typical movie cliché, a messenger bearing a parson from the bishop which attests to the good character of the accused. Unfortunately for the man, the verbiage in the pardon is referring to the good character of the donkey, so she is freed while the man's execution continues.

The DVD is a bit of a disappointment. The transfer is nice enough, but this would have been an excellent time to restore the scenes which were deleted in 1993 to avoid the NC-17 rating which it was originally assigned. Unfortunately, the DVD includes only the R-rated theatrical version.

This is a classic C+ movie by our rating system. A very good movie in many ways, even flirting with greatness, but how big a niche is there for a dark comedy/drama about Medieval France.

• Harriet Walter
• Lysette Anthony (1, 2)
• Amina Annabi (1, 2)
• Sophie Dix (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
• Various raw snaps of anonymous extras. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Mailbox:

Hey Scoop,

One of your readers said,

In yesterday's Fun House you mentioned Justine Bateman as "finally" getting topless. However, I'm positive she appeared topless in a cable TV movie a few years ago called "Another Woman".

We actually taped that movie last year off a Canadian station because we had heard those rumors too…here’s the story:  There is a scene that flashes back to Justine’s teen years…the girl who plays the teen Justine and goes topless kind of looks like her, but IT IS NOT…that’s why some people think Justine Bateman has shown her breasts before…

Mr Skin

Hey Scoop,

Kerri Kasem is the daughter of DJ Casey Kasem. Lucky for her, she does not look too much like her father. In fact she is a knockout!
At her web site, www.kerrikasem.com, she has quite a few revealing pics. I thought Fun House should know these things.

Happy Trails,
L
 

OTHER CRAP:

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Hunter Tylo, the 70's and 80's supermodel-turned-actress going topless and full frontal in scenes from "The Initiation" (1984).

More Justine Bateman info. Comments by Graphic Response:

Scoops,

I saw your comments about Bateman yesterday and checked my own database where I found a couple issues of Sleuth that had some stuff on her. I left them full size (about 820k) to give you enough resolution to see whatever there is to see.

I will also be doing a movie clip of her Showtime topless scene when it is re-run in a couple of days, and I'll send you some more caps when I get them.

• Justine Bateman from Sleuth (1, 2)

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Well everybody else in the world probably capped Cameron Diaz on Monday nights 'Leno", and so did I, so here's my caps of Cameron looking delectable and delicious as those boobs come oh so close to falling out of that blouse.

• Cameron Diaz (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Then a return visit to my favorite babysitter Susan Romen in a nude shower scene from "Weekend with the Babysitter". She was oh so hot and sadly her only screen appearance.

• Susan Romen (1, 2, 3)

A few random B-movie babes playing strippers in scenes from "Dragon Fire" (1993).

• Christina Veronica, toplessness.

• B-movie favorite Monique Parent shows breasts and a great thong view while covered with fluorescent paint under a black light.

• Nicola Koerber, all 3 B's in these scenes from her one and only IMDb credit. (1, 2)

"Dark Blue"

This 2002 drama is set in LA just in April 1991, just before the Rodney King verdict and during the riots that followed. It basically tells the story of a group of out of control cops, finally brought down by the newest member of the group. Well done and exciting, and Michael Michele has no problem making the switch from NYPD to LAPD. :-)

I think the reader who thought that Justine Bateman was topless in Another Woman is referring to the 1994 telemovie Harlequin's Another Woman.

From memory, towards the end of that movie Justine Bateman is sitting on the beach reminiscing. There is then a flashback to her younger days when she had a quickie on the beach. However, the actress who played the younger Justine and who took her clothes off was Jocelyn Snowdon.

I made a few 'cap of Jocelyn a while ago, and they can be seen in the August 26, 2001 update of the back issues.

-Oz

STUDENT SUES OVER "LESBIAN BARBIE" T-SHIRT
Barbie Girls - Natalie Young, 14, of Queens, New York, is suing her school for violating her civil rights and suppressing her speech because they suspended her for wearing a "Barbie Is A Lesbian" T-shirt to school. Her lawyer said if she had worn a "Barbie Supports the Troops in Iraq" T-shirt, "she would have been called a patriot." Young's mother says the "unspecified monetary damages" they are seeking are not the major issue, "but if a jury decides to contribute to Natalie's college fund, all the better."