"Bikini Academy"

Bikini Academy (1996), aka Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody, is every bit as bad as my friend Brainscan said when he did this DVD. Not only is the story abysmal, but the DVD quality seriously sucks. It is grainy, noisy, has a good deal of video noise at the bottom of the frame, and all the outside shots are over-exposed. Rather than darkening and fixing the contrast, they increased saturation, making a real mess. All of the interior shots are slightly under-exposed. It is a shame, as several women show breasts and buns in this T & A flick, including Tane McLure, Ashley Rhey, Kelly Hoffman and Raelynn Saalman.

The story concerns 6 air-heads, three men and three women, competing for three lifeguard jobs, and also for sex partners. IMDB readers have it at 3.9 of 10. With a decent transfer and competent photography, I could have given this a C-, despite poor acting and bad plot, but as it stands, it is a D- at best.

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  • Ashley Rhey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
  • Kelly Hoffman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Raelyn Saalman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Tane McClure (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)

    "Hunting Humans"

    Hunting Humans (2002 video) is a very low budget effort, which shows in the technical aspects, but is based on a fascinating premise. The hero is a serial killer, who stalks his victims, finds the patterns in their lives, and then commits perfect murders, where there is no chance of his being caught, and the victim knows exactly what happens. During the day, he is a mortgage salesman, which might be the worse of his two occupations.

    Suddenly one day he realizes that another serial killer is hunting him. It becomes a battle of whits and balls between the two, with ever higher stakes, leading to an inevitable showdown. The only problem was that much of the film takes place in the hero's head, which means much of the story is narrated by him. The first murder we see is of first timer Catherine Granville, who shows breasts and buns.

    IMDB readers have this at 7.5 of 10, but with only 18 votes. I loved the concept, but didn't really relate to the hero/narrator, and tired of the voice-over. On the other hand, I sat through the entire thing without fast forward. If you like this sort of film, this might be worth a rental. C-.

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  • Catherine Granville (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    If you read my comments yesterday, you know that Chloe Hunter was naked throughout the entirety of "Spun". You probably wondered "who the hell is Chloe Hunter?" I just now realized that everyone in the world has seen her tummy before. Do you remember the bare navel in the famous American Beauty poster? That wasn't Mena Suvari's tummy, but Chloe's!


    One Deadly Summer (1983):

    I've never seen this movie. It's not available on DVD. I made the collages from Graphic Response caps, so I can't tell you much about it. I know it has Isabelle Adjani very, very naked and in her 20s. How much more do you really need to know? It is rated a solid 7.3 at IMDb.


    Out of Order (2003):

    I haven't seen this new Showtime series either. These collages also come from Graphic Response caps. But once again, I don't really need to know much more than that Kim Dickens and Eric Stoltz are generally rutting like wild pigs and dolphins. Stoltz comes pretty close to schtupping Kim underwater, as you can see in collage #5. My hat is off to the guy, because making it underwater is hard enough when your head is above water. But when you're completely submerged, holding your breath - that's impressive.



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.



    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today it's 2 B's with all 3 B's.

    Translation....we have 2 B-Movie Babes, who are going to show us all 3 B's. Both from a straight-to-video movie with wooden acting called "The Stalker 2".

    First up is Holly Sampson, the most recent "Emmanuelle", and she is pretty much naked in all the caps.

    • Holly Sampson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Then we have the star Kelli McCarty with scenes in a bra, topless and buck naked in the swimming pool.

    • Kelli McCarty (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    'Caps and comments by Oz:

    "Another Day"
    Starting off with some pokies by Shannen Doherty in Another Day.

    • Shannen Doherty (1, 2)

    "Mr Wonderful."
    No nudity, just a wedgie by Mary-Louise Parker in Mr Wonderful.

    • Mary-Louise Parker (1, 2, 3)

    "Spenser: The Judas Goat"
    Some pokies by Falconer Abraham in one of the Spenser series of telemovies called Judas Goat.

    • Falconer Abraham (1, 2)

    Some side nudity with nothing showing by Jacqueline Bisset in Airport, but Dean Martin is smiling.

    "Wild Iris"
    It's a similar story with Laura Linney in Wild Iris.

    • Laura Linney (1, 2, 3)

    "Kiss of the Dragon"
    The nudity in Kiss of the Dragon comes from a nip slip by Bridget Fonda in the wide-screen version, so I don't have it. However, there are also some nice caps of Bridget's fellow prostitute who ended up dead. Unfortunately, I don't know who she is and I couldn't find any help from the many Internet sites on the movie. My best guess...she is Laurence Ashley.

    • Bridget Fonda (1, 2, 3)
    • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Quite a bit of naked flesh in Tai-Pan, especially by Jocelyne Lew, Denise Kellog, and some unknowns. Some see-through breasts shown by Joan Chen, cleavage by Kate Behean and we see a painting of a naked Janine Turner. Unfortunately, the caps aren't of a good quality.

    Over to France for Bellyful. A nude silhouette by Meiji U Tum'si and some unknown nude bathers.

    Plenty of topless and rear nudity by Clotilde Coureau and Christine Boisson in Facing, aka En Face.

    • Clotilde Coureau (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Christine Boisson (1, 2, 3)

    "Between Your Legs"
    Going south to Spain we have Between your Legs. Amazingly, Victoria Abril doesn't show anything but there is nudity by Maria Adánez and an unknown actress.

    "Carolyn Seymour"
    Steptoe and Son is a telemovie based on the very funny British comedy series. Carolyn Seymour plays a stripper and shows boobs and bum.

    • Carolyn Seymour (1, 2, 3, 4)

    "Steptoe and Son Ride Again"
    Steptoe and Son Ride Again is the sequel movie, but without the nudity. Lots of cleavage by Grazina Frame and a bit of an upskirt by a very middle-aged Diana Dors.

    "Halloween III"
    I don't think anything is visible by Stacey Nelkin in Halloween III but it is interesting viewing.

    • Stacey Nelkin (1, 2)

    "State and Main"
    There are about 3 frames of breast exposure by Rebecca Pidgeon in State and Main and Sarah Jessica Parker has her top off, but we only see her from the back.

    "Town & Country"
    There's nudity by Goldie Hawn and Nastassja Kinski in Town & Country. However, not a lot to see, just a lot of sexy views.

    • Goldie Hawn (1, 2, 3)
    • Nastassja Kinski (1, 2)

    And speaking of sexy we have Beautiful, a movie about a Miss America contest. Okay, I got a little carried away with the caps but Minnie Driver is gorgeous. No visible nudity but we do see Kathleen Robertson getting dressed. Lots of cleavage by Bridgette L Wilson and many unidentified women.

    • Minnie Driver (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Kathleen Robertson (1, 2)
    • Bridgette Wilson (1, 2)
    • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4)

    "Video Voyeur : The Susan Wilson Story"
    There's brief nudity in Video Voyeur : The Susan Wilson Story that is supposed to be Angie Harmon but it is probably a body double.

    • Angie Harmon (1, 2, 3)

    "Bill and Ted"
    Cleavage only by Amy Stock-Poynton in two very mediocre movies Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

    • Amy Stock-Poynton (1, 2)

    "Amityville Horror II"
    Brief breast by Diane Franklin in Amityville Horror II.

    "Clean and Sober"
    Brief backside by an unknown and unseen actress in Clean and Sober.

    Serena Williams A paparazzi nip slip! Not the best quality, but it's an impressive boob nonetheless.

    Kelly Macdonald
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    The sexy, petite "Trainspotting" babe topless and wearing semi-see-thru undies in scenes from the UK movie "Some Voices" (2000).