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College
2008
If you follow the box office updates weekly on OtherCrap.com or elsewhere, you are
familiar with this film, which just opened in theaters three weeks ago and is
still playing on a smattering of screens here and there as I write this.
College is a purely formulaic film genre film. The script could have been
created with Mad Libs. High school seniors ... lead actor gets dumped by his
girl ... he and two nerdy friends go to a nearby college for a weekend
introductory tour ... while there, they are tortured by obnoxious frat guys
... meet some chicks ... more torture ... get revenge ... back to high
school ... lead actor refuses to take back the incredibly hot chick who
dumped him, because he has grown.
The film does not have a single original idea, character, or joke. Frankly, it
didn't even have any good stale jokes. The cast features neither established
stars nor anyone you are likely to recognize. It's an obvious straight-to-vid
product which is not even above the standard for straight-to-DVD releases, but
somehow, inexplicably, got a wide theatrical release. The man who sold this
into 2100 screens must be the greatest persuader since the guy who said
"Sure, Napoleon, conquering Russia will be a peace of cake."
Hell, Napoleon's Grand Armee got
a free skate compared to this film. At the box office, it was a stinker for
the ages. Among all films released in at least 2000
theaters, it had the fifth-worst
opening weekend in history, which was the worst of 2008. Well, to be
technical, it was the worst of the year in terms of total gross dollars, but another
notorious stinker, The Rocker, actually did a bit worse in terms of revenues
per theater. Call it a draw. Those two films came out on back-to-back weeks, so
one glorious ten day
period in late August of 2008 produced two of the worst financial performers
of all time.
There's just nothing worthwhile to say about this film. It's rated 3.8 at
IMDb, and that tells the story accurately, if a bit generously. If the
film's basic idea sounds good to you,
rent The Naked Mile (aka American Pie 5) and watch that instead, because it
has the same basic idea, but a better script, more nudity, better nudity, and
some nudity from the main female characters.
The only identifiable nudity in College came from the lead actors Drake Bell
and Andrew Caldwell, who bared their asses. And Caldwell really doesn't
count, because he weighs, like, 700 pounds. If this guy went against Charles
Barkley at an all-you-can-eat buffet, you'd have to consider Sir Charles the
underdog. In fact, he'd be a ... er ... heavy underdog.
There is copious female nudity, but it consists entirely of breasts, and the
actresses are all extras. There are anonymous topless chicks at a charity
car wash without cars; there are topless background chicks at a party; then
at another party. And so on.
Here's the boring action, if you care to
catch it.
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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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Chinesisches Roulette
(1976)
This ensemble film from Fassbinder is a dark comedy.
Allegedly.
But only in the sense that Aristotle defined a comedy in his Poetics as "any story where
the gods do not pluck out anyone's eyes, and nobody fucks or kills either of
his parents. And I mean it. Not even one eye or one parent."
Andrea Schober plays a crippled teen. As the film opens, her parents are
supposedly leaving on business separate trips to different cities. In
actuality, they are meeting their lovers for the weekend, and each couple ends
up in their country mansion, where they decide to carry on as planned. The
housekeeper and her grown son are somewhat pleased that the four of them have
finally all shown up at once, taking away some of the household intrigue. Then
Andrea Schober and her mute governess (Macha Meril) show up to join the party.
It soon becomes clear that Andrea's mother (Margit Cartensen) resents her
daughter, and blames all of her troubles on her daughter's illness. Her father
isn't much more supportive. There is some hint that her father and the
housekeeper had some connection under Hitler during WW II. Andrea suggests a
game of Chinese roulette, where the group is divided into two teams. One team
chooses a member of the other to be it. The other team asks questions about
the "it" person, and each member of the other team answers, then the it team
tries to guess who was it. Andrea makes sure the game takes a very nasty turn,
but with results that even she didn't expect.
Now that's comedy gold!
Again, I was asked to spend time with a bunch of people I didn't like, all
behaving horridly, in a single location, and mostly talking. This was not my
sort of film, but maybe it will be yours since it seems to be respected by
highbrow cineastes, and IMDb readers rate it an unlikely 7.7.
Margit Cartensen shows breasts.
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Michelle Bauer
part 4
Today's clip and collage are Brainscan's own, and come from yet another
forgotten masterpiece, Chickboxer, in which her character was named Greta 'Chickboxer'
Holtz. Surprisingly, she was not a boxer, but a philosopher and physicist.
DVD Verdict
wrote:
ChickBoxer sucks the root. ChickBoxer blows monkeys in a way that Darwin
never envisioned for evolution. Science has yet to devise an instrument able
to accurately record the levels of rotten retardation in this attempted
action comedy. In the pantheon of pathetic attempts at making the camcorder
into cinema, this has to rival
Da Hip Hop
Witch and
People from
Space as the worst video vomit ever. Between the atrocious community
playhouse non-acting, eye-straining cinematography, muffle and hiss imbued
soundtrack, and dopey as donkey droppings dialogue, there is not a single
redeeming aspect to this hour-long horror show. Well, maybe there's two,
since B-movie scream queen Michele Bauer (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Attack
of the 60 Foot Centerfold) wears a barely breast-covering pink Lycra
nightmare in one of her two scenes (and appears without a stitch on in the
out-of-place softcore sex scene at the end). So if seeing Kim Cattrall's
Sex and the City moral inspiration riding the perpendicular baloney pony
for forty seconds sends your shorthairs into a shiver, you may not mind
muddling through the other 59 minutes of unadulterated douche that is
contained in this homemade disaster.
So here then is the only redeeming facet of this film:
Michelle Bauer film clip.
Collage below.
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Notes and collages
Oops
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Scoop's note: I seem to
have spread out Rok's collages incorrectly, using too many yesterday. My bad. As
Ah-nuld would note, "He'll be back."
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Bluebeard
1972
This film was the grandfather of all the
multi-celebrity nudity films, and it will take many days to cover it.
Day Three features Sybil Danning (with an appearance by Nathalie Delon.)
Film clips here. Collages below
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This section will present film clips to accompany
Charlie's collages (which are found in his own site).
Today, four actresses who are known in North American and
internationally:
Isabelle Huppert, who first became noticed
internationally when Going Places became a big hit across the world, then rose
to near-stardom in Hollywood with the notorious Cimino film Heaven's Gate. If that film had
become as famous as it was infamous, Huppert would have become a monster
international star on the level of Binoche or even Bardot. As it is, she's done
very well anyway, amassing a brilliant filmography in French films, despite
possessing only one facial expression, and that a very sour one.
Here she is in Nue Propriete at age 53.
I think you all know who Valeria Golino is, since she's
been in a ton of English language films. Big ones, too, like Rain Man, Four
Rooms, Leaving Las Vegas and many more. Now in her 40s, she's still doing
extensive nudity,
as she did here in last year's Il Sole Nero. She does perform
in French as well as English, but her native languages are Italian and Greek.
Diane Kruger is about as hot as they come, which
qualified her to star in Troy, since the director needed the face that
launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless
towers of Ilium.
She is German, but does speak French as well as fluent, nearly-unaccented English.
She is seen here in Age des Tenebres.
You may not know who Valeria Bruni-Tedeschi is, but
I'll bet you know her brother-in-law. He's the Sark-man himself, the President of France,
who married Valeria's red-hot sister Carla.
Valeria is seen here in Actrices
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Film Clips
The cast of The Silent Partner is a round-up of all the usual
Canadian suspects from the 70s, like Christopher Plummer and the
late lamented funnyman John Candy (in a serious role!).
I thought it was
terrific, one of the best low-budget movies ever, and with
nudity from lots of women:
The stars of The Witnesses:
Julie Depardieu
and Emmanuelle
Beart
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