If you follow the box office updates weekly on or elsewhere, you are familiar with this film, which just opened in theaters three weeks ago and is still playing on a smattering of screens here and there as I write this.

College is a purely formulaic film genre film. The script could have been created with Mad Libs. High school seniors ... lead actor gets dumped by his girl ... he and two nerdy friends go to a nearby college for a weekend introductory tour ... while there, they are tortured by obnoxious frat guys ... meet some chicks ... more torture ... get revenge ... back to high school ... lead actor refuses to take back the incredibly hot chick who dumped him, because he has grown.

The film does not have a single original idea, character, or joke. Frankly, it didn't even have any good stale jokes. The cast features neither established stars nor anyone you are likely to recognize. It's an obvious straight-to-vid product which is not even above the standard for straight-to-DVD releases, but somehow, inexplicably, got a wide theatrical release. The man who sold this into 2100 screens must be the greatest persuader since the guy who said "Sure, Napoleon, conquering Russia will be a peace of cake."

Hell, Napoleon's Grand Armee got a free skate compared to this film. At the box office, it was a stinker for the ages. Among all films released in at least 2000 theaters, it had the fifth-worst opening weekend in history, which was the worst of 2008. Well, to be technical, it was the worst of the year in terms of total gross dollars, but another notorious stinker, The Rocker, actually did a bit worse in terms of revenues per theater. Call it a draw. Those two films came out on back-to-back weeks, so one glorious ten day period in late August of 2008 produced two of the worst financial performers of all time.

There's just nothing worthwhile to say about this film. It's rated 3.8 at IMDb, and that tells the story accurately, if a bit generously. If the film's basic idea sounds good to you, rent The Naked Mile (aka American Pie 5) and watch that instead, because it has the same basic idea, but a better script, more nudity, better nudity, and some nudity from the main female characters.

The only identifiable nudity in College came from the lead actors Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell, who bared their asses. And Caldwell really doesn't count, because he weighs, like, 700 pounds. If this guy went against Charles Barkley at an all-you-can-eat buffet, you'd have to consider Sir Charles the underdog. In fact, he'd be a ... er ... heavy underdog.

There is copious female nudity, but it consists entirely of breasts, and the actresses are all extras. There are anonymous topless chicks at a charity car wash without cars; there are topless background chicks at a party; then at another party. And so on.

Here's the boring action, if you care to catch it.




  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.







Chinesisches Roulette


This ensemble film from Fassbinder is a dark comedy.


But only in the sense that Aristotle defined a comedy in his Poetics as "any story where the gods do not pluck out anyone's eyes, and nobody fucks or kills either of his parents. And I mean it. Not even one eye or one parent."

Andrea Schober plays a crippled teen. As the film opens, her parents are supposedly leaving on business separate trips to different cities. In actuality, they are meeting their lovers for the weekend, and each couple ends up in their country mansion, where they decide to carry on as planned. The housekeeper and her grown son are somewhat pleased that the four of them have finally all shown up at once, taking away some of the household intrigue. Then Andrea Schober and her mute governess (Macha Meril) show up to join the party.

It soon becomes clear that Andrea's mother (Margit Cartensen) resents her daughter, and blames all of her troubles on her daughter's illness. Her father isn't much more supportive. There is some hint that her father and the housekeeper had some connection under Hitler during WW II. Andrea suggests a game of Chinese roulette, where the group is divided into two teams. One team chooses a member of the other to be it. The other team asks questions about the "it" person, and each member of the other team answers, then the it team tries to guess who was it. Andrea makes sure the game takes a very nasty turn, but with results that even she didn't expect.

Now that's comedy gold!

Again, I was asked to spend time with a bunch of people I didn't like, all behaving horridly, in a single location, and mostly talking. This was not my sort of film, but maybe it will be yours since it seems to be respected by highbrow cineastes, and IMDb readers rate it an unlikely 7.7.


Margit Cartensen shows breasts.









Michelle Bauer

part 4

Today's clip and collage are Brainscan's own, and come from yet another forgotten masterpiece, Chickboxer, in which her character was named Greta 'Chickboxer' Holtz. Surprisingly, she was not a boxer, but a philosopher and physicist.

DVD Verdict wrote:

ChickBoxer sucks the root. ChickBoxer blows monkeys in a way that Darwin never envisioned for evolution. Science has yet to devise an instrument able to accurately record the levels of rotten retardation in this attempted action comedy. In the pantheon of pathetic attempts at making the camcorder into cinema, this has to rival Da Hip Hop Witch and People from Space as the worst video vomit ever. Between the atrocious community playhouse non-acting, eye-straining cinematography, muffle and hiss imbued soundtrack, and dopey as donkey droppings dialogue, there is not a single redeeming aspect to this hour-long horror show. Well, maybe there's two, since B-movie scream queen Michele Bauer (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold) wears a barely breast-covering pink Lycra nightmare in one of her two scenes (and appears without a stitch on in the out-of-place softcore sex scene at the end). So if seeing Kim Cattrall's Sex and the City moral inspiration riding the perpendicular baloney pony for forty seconds sends your shorthairs into a shiver, you may not mind muddling through the other 59 minutes of unadulterated douche that is contained in this homemade disaster.


So here then is the only redeeming facet of this film:

Michelle Bauer film clip. Collage below.









The Unholy



Nicole Fortier film clips.









Las Vegas

Nikki Cox looking sexy on a 2003 episode. Nice cleavage and leg.






Notes and collages



Scoop's note: I seem to have spread out Rok's collages incorrectly, using too many yesterday. My bad. As Ah-nuld would note, "He'll be back."










This film was the grandfather of all the multi-celebrity nudity films, and it will take many days to cover it. Day Three features Sybil Danning (with an appearance by Nathalie Delon.)

Film clips here. Collages below







This section will present film clips to accompany Charlie's collages (which are found in his own site).

Today, four actresses who are known in North American and internationally:

Isabelle Huppert, who first became noticed internationally when Going Places became a big hit across the world, then rose to near-stardom in Hollywood with the notorious Cimino film Heaven's Gate. If that film had become as famous as it was infamous, Huppert would have become a monster international star on the level of Binoche or even Bardot. As it is, she's done very well anyway, amassing a brilliant filmography in French films, despite possessing only one facial expression, and that a very sour one. Here she is in Nue Propriete at age 53.

I think you all know who Valeria Golino is, since she's been in a ton of English language films. Big ones, too, like Rain Man, Four Rooms, Leaving Las Vegas and many more. Now in her 40s, she's still doing extensive nudity, as she did here in last year's Il Sole Nero. She does perform in French as well as English, but her native languages are Italian and Greek.

Diane Kruger is about as hot as they come, which qualified her to star in Troy, since the director needed the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium. She is German, but does speak French as well as fluent, nearly-unaccented English. She is seen here in Age des Tenebres.

You may not know who Valeria Bruni-Tedeschi is, but I'll bet you know her brother-in-law. He's the Sark-man himself, the President of France, who married Valeria's red-hot sister Carla. Valeria is seen here in Actrices






Film Clips

The cast of The Silent Partner is a round-up of all the usual Canadian suspects from the 70s, like Christopher Plummer and the late lamented funnyman John Candy (in a serious role!). I thought it was terrific, one of the best low-budget movies ever, and with nudity from lots of women:

The stars of The Witnesses: Julie Depardieu and Emmanuelle Beart

Aniela Kurylo in Hank and Mike (sample right)

from the same film, Talia Russo (sample right)