The Seductress (2000) stars Shauna O'Brien as a woman who marries rich men, then murders them with an "undetectable poison." Gabriella Hall is married to an artist, who just happens to be the son of a police chief, and suspects what Shauna is up to. I could continue, and finish off the plot in detail in one or two more sentences, but I don't want to ruin the surprise ending in case you decide to see this film. In case you hadn't guessed by now, it is a soft-core.

First the bad points. None of the cast will ever make a living doing Shakespeare, there was about 7 minutes of plot, and the music was boring and too loud during the sex scenes.

The good news? Nearly 75 of the 82 minutes of running time had one or both of the two stars naked. Not only that, but they are in focus, and, in a high percentage of the shots, both face and breasts are in frame. Color saturation is excellent, special lighting is kept to a minimum and doesn't obscure the assets we are watching it for, and the sets and locations are attractive. Also, the director didn't ask more of his cast than they could handle.

IMDB has yet to hear of this one. Just as well, as it would get the typical 4.2/10 reserved for films with lots of skin and little else. Gabriella appeals to me a lot, and Shauna can almost act. Soft-core should have nudity and sex, and hopefully a little heat. The Seductress has all three.

Sorry about the large number of images, but the 90 are pared down from over 200 frames. They will be in the Tuna archive by noon tomorrow.

This is actually my overview of this year's Oscar race, disguised as a review of Almost Famous

I don't pick my best of the year, for two reasons: (1) I'd have to do it six months from now, when they are all available on tape or DVD (2) I don't know how you can make a sensible set of criteria to weigh such unlike films. Chicken Run versus Traffic? I just don't know how to say one of those is better or worse than the other. It seems to me like trying to establish whether Hungarian is a better language than Mandarin.

But I've summarized all the IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes ratings, and made some predictions based on past tendencies. Oh, yeah, and more important than that is the list of the worst of the year. There were plenty of bad ones, but four films separated themselves from the pack: The Skulls, Battlefield Earth, I Dreamed of Africa and Bless the Child. Kim Basinger gets a special award for being in two of them!

How did they miss casting her in Battlefield Earth? Among those four films, there was really no question that "B.E." was the worst, with an IMDb rating of 2.3! And Travolta is trying to put together a sequel as we speak.

TomCat came up with a few more of his Polish beauties. I once mentioned to its publisher that Scientific American was the only magazine where I don't even understand the pictures. In a similar vein, Polish has to be the only language where I can't spell the FIRST names. Plus, when TomCat sends me the actress' name and the name of the film, I sometimes can't tell which is which. And Polish was my childhood language! So I can imagine how it must be for the rest of you.

So you remember I posted some vidcaps of a movie called New York Nights a few weeks ago? And you remember it starred a bunch of hotties, including a former Penthouse Pet, in various stages of undress? Well I have caps from another movie called New York Nights, starring a bunch of hotties, including a former Penthouse Pet, in various stages of undress. The first one, made in 1981, had Corinne Alphen in it; this one, made in 1994, has Pet Susan Napoli as well as former pornsters (or is that ponstars) Julia Parton and Marilyn Chambers AND four other tasty bits, only three of whom I capped.

First the movie. It is Friends meets Behind the Green Door. Has a dialogue to laugh at for reasons not intended by the screenwriter (which is no big deal for our present purposes) and a camera director who learned his trade at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople School of Cinematography and Taxidermy (which IS a big deal for our present purposes). What I learnt, y'all, with my furst cam'ra? Don't point that puppy into the sunlit background if'n you wants to catch what's in the foreground. And when the foreground includes nekkid babes then the failure to learn and practice rule number 1 goes from annoying to criminal. So off with this dork's head because as you will see, most of the movie is filmed either in a dimly lit closet or in a brightly lit room, with subject placed squarely between the camera and the sun. Maybe the director of photography thought he was shooting a tasteful art film, with noted actresses Dames Parton and Chambers.

To give credit where credit is due, he got Julia Parton (1, 2) lighted perfectly in two out of four scenes; so I concentrated on the good two and ignored the other two. Julia plays... and you will like this one... a reserved, almost virginal character, who nevertheless frolics topless with her boyfriend back home and boffs the landlord to get an el primo appartment in the big city. Bastard goes and gives the appt to someone else, perhaps another of Dolly's cousins.

Marilyn Chambers takes off clothes in this scene and that, but by this time in her career she couldn't have expected us to care very much how she looked nekkid. The director obviously didn't because all her scenes were shot under backout conditions or from the distance that had the actors move four seconds after he yelled, "Action."

Three of the four actresses brought in to strut their stuff were Bonnie Comley , Corinna Tomlin, and Randi Rushmore. Bonnie and Corinna played models in a lingerie shop staffed by Marilyn; the same guy puts the moves on both of them in some backroom lighted by four birthday candles. I think this is supposed to be comic relief. Randi is not an actress, she just plays one in this movie. Her only scene is this bit of groping from the movie in the movie, in which the guy obviously was seeking to Mount Rushmore. The fourth was a cutie but no matter how I tried I could not capture an image worth showing of her.

We end with Susan Napoli (1, 2, 3)- Pet of the Month sometime in 1986. Allow me to rant for a minute. A girl with mechanical hooters poses for the bunnymag and within the time it takes to warm up each of four hundred scanners you can find four hunded sites, each with two dozen images of the babe. That's true for each bunnymagmate going to back to its first publication twenty years before any of us were born. But, you get a really delicious honey, have her pose for Penthouse and then star in a half-dozen movies, mostly in the nekkid format, and what do you find on the web? Two measley, out of focus vidcaps that could have been mislabeled images from the surface of Mars! Where is the justice, I ask you. Well, in Miss Napoli's case the boys here on the farm decided to do something 'bout it. Starting with my contribution, today, and spilling over to tomorrow we are gonna do Susan Napoli up right. That will lead us all on a journey through nekkid Pet land that may not end for a while. So strap on your helmets, boys.

From "Watch Me"

NOTE! The Darwin Awards for 2000 are out. For the winner and runners-up, check it out here