Since product liability litigation is only expected to increase in the new millennium, beer manufacturers are considering using the FDA's suggestion that the following ten warning labels be placed on all beer containers produced in the US during the year 2001:
1 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
4 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
5 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
6 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical kung-fu powers.
7 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
8 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
10 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf - you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"