Bruiser (2000) is a George Romero film funded by French Canal + and made in Ontario on a very small budget. It is meant as a commentary on the dehumanizing effects of industry on the common man. Henry Creedlow (Jason Flemyng) has a real bad day. He lives in an unfinished house, and his breakfast is disrupted by an obnoxious poodle, and a wife who won't get up. She clearly has little or no use for him. His best friend and financial planner picks him up on the way to the train station, and shows him his portfolio, which is not doing as well as he expected. His boss at Bruiser Magazine, Milo (Peter Stormare), makes an ass out of him at a morning meeting. He is turned down for a Gold Card because he is undercapitalized.
Then, at a BBQ at Milo's mansion, Milo's estranged wife makes a mask of his face, and tells him to decorate it. He then observes his wife giving Milo a hand job out in the open. She dumps him at home and leaves. In the morning, he discovers that the cleaning woman has been stealing from them, and hits her. She is dead on the floor, and he finds that his face is a blank mask he can't remove. For the rest of the film, he gets even with those who ruined his life, and the mask slowly turns back into him.
All in all, not a terrible concept. Unfortunately, I was not entirely impressed with the execution. As Henry would be doing really awful things to those who had wronged him, it was necessary to make everyone else in the film obviously evil so we would have empathy with him. The net result is a film full of people you hate, and one with a featureless plastic face.
Nina Garbiras as Henry's wife shows breasts and buns. Kiran Friesan, as Lady Godiva at a party, shows breasts. Marie V. Cruz, as the next Bruiser cover girl, shows breasts and buns. IMDb readers have this at 4.9 of 10. It had a limited theatrical release in France, Canada and Japan, but went straight to vid in the US. The DVD includes a commentary with George Romero and producer Ben Barenholtz. Flemyng was clearly hampered by the mask and Stormare was way over the top. All in all, I never wartmed up to this film, but it is probably of some interest to fans of Romero's work. C-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Hi, y'all. I'm taking a mini-vacation.
I'll still be digging up some other crap every day, and will chip in
with some movies as well, but not with my usual volume of verbiage
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity
site is updated
I still haven't watched this all the
way through, and my best guess is that I never will. I have seen 20
minutes of footage which have convinced me not to see the rest.
Silver Dollar Sam looks at Tilt (2005, ESPN):
This review was written by our resident guru on Poker, Vegas, and
Ring-a-ding, the redoubtable Silver Dollar Sam of
Those of us who were suckered into viewing the
pilot for Tilt, just experienced the bad beat of the year.
This dismal flop, dealt by ESPN, could only be
worse if it had more than three cards. I’m quite sure I won’t call
their flop bet to see the turn or the river.
Set in the city of Las Vegas, the Tilt
story is driven by three avengers, one tall, one black, one blonde.
(Haven’t we seen this combination before?) They are all carrying a
grudge, and are out to set up and to take “The Matador”, Carlos
Mortensen, a champion player and a card cheater. As an undetected
cheater, he is in cahoots with the security chief of the hotel and
the local constabulary. Let’s see. A card player famous and
undetected as a cheater, support from security, and help from law
enforcement. Now that’s really likely!
But wait a minute. Carlos “El Matador”
Mortensen is a real person, an excellent card player, a tournament
champion, and one of the big money winners of 2004. And he’s also a
nice guy. Has he lent his name to this nefarious fictional
character and to this ill begotten television series? Say it isn’t
Anyway, the bad flop trio is out to reap
revenge on The Matador. We don’t know much about the vengeful
threesome and we’re never made to care much about them either.
There is an opening scene where the three go to great lengths to
establish the illusion they are adversaries of one another. Violent
adversaries. They do this at a casino poker table, but we’re not
sure what good this does them because they are unlikely to repeat
the appearance and continue the ruse any time soon.
Later, the trio goes out of town to Laughlin to
play poker where they won’t be seen together. We are left to wonder
why. Better they should establish themselves as local individuals
to continue their charade. In leaving town for Laughlin, we Las
Vegas viewers notice they’re headed in the wrong direction. They’d
better have a picnic basket and a huge canteen, because they’ll have
to travel the long way over a stretch of desert to get there. But,
again, we don’t really care. We don’t even like them. May an
unclean coyote sit on their lunch.
The plot thickens. A Matador victim’s brother
is also after the nefarious Matador. The brother is a sheriff from
somewhere. Security is scolded for letting a sheriff play at the
poker table. Say, what?
Meanwhile, The Matador, played ever so
underwhelmingly by Michael Madsen, is busy crushing fingers and
doing other such things that tournament champions typically do in
their spare time. These plot development scenes are heaped upon us
with such galloping frequency, we almost lose interest altogether.
The Matador, with his bad English, tacky
clothes, slovenly ways, criminal attitude and bad acting, has
written a poker book. Aw, c’mon. We know most of the text for
poker books is ghost written, but there should be some remnant of
credibility. Sure, The Matador wrote a book. And George Bush
published a dictionary.
The Tilt script reads and sounds like a
bad 1940s punk movie. There is a double entendre here and
another there for the teen gigglers and there are potty jokes for
the eleven year olds. But the script’s singular triumph is in
managing to be generally insulting to people’s intelligence of all
About the director . . . . Was there one? I
can’t honestly answer that question.
One sure thing, though. The poker hands are
well represented by a complete lack of imagination. The opening
hand shows of a set of deuces betting into a possible straight. The
straight won. The second poker scene shows of a set of sixes
betting into a possible straight. And, guess what, the straight won
again. These are professional players? Those are professional
Poker table dialogue like, “I think you’re
bluffing. I’m going all-in,” makes us wonder. If the sucker
thought The Matador was bluffing with his represented straight, why
didn’t the sucker just call with his three deuces?
We do see the blonde win an impressive hand.
In a flashback, as a twelve year old, she wins with a six-to-the-ten
over a five-to-the-nine. She wins more than seven thousand dollars
without blinking and then says to the bad man, in Tatum O’Neil
fashion, “You owe me seven thousand dollars.” That’s kind of
impressive for a twelve year old.
The script prattle explains the odds at craps,
blackjack, and roulette. That badly dialogued information is
obviously aimed at viewers who don’t understand basic gaming. But
it’s the same audience the writers run poker hands by so quickly
that it demands our rapt attention just to decipher the numbers and
the action. Who is the target audience, anyway?
A flowery shirted hustler explains to an
accomplice how he is to play the same money at the table. The
signals for revealing hole cards by moving the chips are explained.
The accomplice repeats that he is to stay out of the flowery shirt’s
way except to build pots for him. This playing the same money in
collusion is done pretty well but, again, over the heads of the
people who needed explanation of odds in Las Vegas.
Anyone who watched this overly hyped poker
mania exploitation pile of muck was badly cold decked by the
producers. But the quality of television poker should change
because such flops as this, without any rescue on the turn or river,
will drown anyone’s bankroll.
In the figurative tournament of poker
television, Reality Poker, Celebrity Poker, now joined
by the fatuous Tilt, are located at the weak opening tables.
One of these days, television will make the first table move toward
higher stakes. You can bet on it. As Doyle Brunson likes to say,
“You can fleece a sheep many times, but you can only skin him
We just got skinned.
Harvard University has appointed a Dean of Fun.
Conan O'Brien plays baseball, 1864 style
Remove the pre-typed URL history from MSIE.
The trailer and eight clips from the animated Racing Stripes
- Tell me this doesn't sound awesome: "Stripes makes some
friends down at the track as well, most notably the horsefly
Scuzz (David Spade), whose love of song and dance is eclipsed
only by his love of horse poop."
- A movie based on the relationship between David Spade and
horse poop? I'm there, dude. I wonder if David Spade and horse
poop are genetically similar enough to produce fertile
The trailer for The Jacket: "A psychological thriller
about a military veteran who returns to his native Vermont
suffering from bouts of amnesia. When he is accused of murder and
lands in an asylum, a well-meaning doctor puts him on a heavy
course of experimental drugs, restrains him in a jacket-like
device, and locks him away in a body drawer of the basement
morgue. The process sends him on a journey into the future, where
he can foresee his death (but not who did it or how) in four day's
time. Now the only question that matters is: can the woman he
meets in the future save him?"
Several trailers for Kung Fu Hustle, an action/comedy
- "A hapless wanna be gangster, Sing, must overcome his
inability to wield a knife and demonstrate his mettle in order
to become a member of the notorious Axe Gang. The Axe Gang,
meanwhile, want to reign supreme by occupying the most coveted
territory, which is a sacred street protected by an unlikely
cast of characters, many of whom are highly skilled kung fu
masters disguised as ordinary people. After several encounters
with thugs and a fearsome adversary known as the Beast, Sing
overcomes his inadequacy and realizes he is the greatest kung fu
master of them all, destined to protect the sacred street."
Weekly World News: PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
...You Were Never Supposed To Hear. They're like
alternate scenes on the DVD.
- Before First Lady Hillary Clinton "pitched a hissy," says
the expert, President Clinton was set to drop this bombshell: "I
did not have conventional sex with that woman, just phone and
some oral and we did that thing with the cigar and I had my eye
on that night stick I got from the Fraternal Order of Police,
but I'm telling you, my fellow Americans, that was it."
- President Bush was set to make this statement after 9/11:
"Make no mistake: The United States will hunt down and punish
those responsible for these cowardly acts, those vile and smelly
monsters, the French."
- The best one has to be Richard Nixon's drunken decision to
try honesty. Unfortunately, he sobered up before saying, "People
want to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well,
what do they THINK their President is -- a Sunday school
teacher? Of course their President is a crook! Would I steal
money from a little old lady? Of course I would. Would I lie to
the American people? Yes! How do people think I got rich and
powerful? I ripped off everything I've got, and if I hadn't got
caught, I'd rip off some more. And that includes stealing from
my own mother."
The Daily Show gloats over the lack of WMDs in Iraq
Janet Jackson reportedly wears a penis around her neck.
Oh, wait - that's just Colin Farrell.
Career Day speaker advises students on careers in exotic dancing.
These things have improved a lot since my day. The advisor claimed
that exotic dancing is a lucrative career move -- offering as much
as $250,000 annually. He also said the exact amount of financial
opportunity is directly proportional to the dancer's bust size.
The Weekend Warrior predicts #1 for Elektra. Despite
the worst reviews for a major release since ... probably since
Benigni's Pinocchio ... Elektra is predicted to take the top spot
at the box, while In Good Company is expected to ride its 86%
positive reviews into sixth place. (Elektra received not only the
worst RT score for a sequel to an Affleck movie, it's even worse
than worst the scores for real Affleck movies! Elektra has
received 5% positive reviews, and even Gigli got 7%! The most
cogent review: "Elektra has accomplished the seemingly impossible
- it's worse than Daredevil.")
Naomi has the latest wardrobe malfunction
Britain's Prince Charles has ordered his son Harry to visit
Auschwitz after the lad caused outrage around the world by wearing
a Nazi uniform to a party.
Armed pilot arrested in cockpit after screener smells alcohol.
Seeping California dam causes 800 evacuated homes
Jean Reno has joined Tom Hanks in director Ron Howard's adaptation
of The Da Vinci Code.
Want Paris Hilton at your function? Pony up about a third of a
- Churchill allegedly asked a woman whether she would sleep
with him for a million pounds. She agreed that she probably
would. According to the story, Churchill then asked he if she
would sleep with him for one pound.
- “Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?”
- “Madam, we’ve already established what kind of woman you
are,” said Churchill, “now we’re just negotiating the price.”
- Prince Harry's favorite web site?
"my little nazi dolls"
"The Oscar race for best picture is shaping up as a six-film
contest: The Aviator, Sideways, Million Dollar Baby, Ray, Finding
Neverland and Hotel Rwanda.
The trailer for the movie version of The Honeymooners.
(The Kramdens and Nortons are black!)
BUSH ACCUSES SADDAM OF TELLING TRUTH. Evildoer
Knowingly Came Clean on WMDs
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
|A quick site note
Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
Today from the Ghost...a couple of vids (zipped .wmvs) from the 1980 Richard Gere movie, "American Gigolo".
- Lauren Hutton, topless in bed with Gere.
- Michele Drake, the former Heffer (May '79) doing a little topless sunbathing. I believe the non-speaking girl in this scene is Linda Horn.
|Tydings baring breasts, bum and just a hing of pubes in link #4 in these 'caps featuing scenes from the "Red Shoe Diaries" episode "Love at First Sight". She's best known of course as "Aphrodite" from "Xena: Warrior Princess".
Lara Flynn Boyle
|The ladies of "The Road to Wellville" (1994). I enjoy offbeat movies, but this one just didn't do it for me. There are a few chuckles here and there but not enough for me to a)call it a comedy or b)want to see it again. Although I will say that it was well filmed and there is some lovely nudity. All three actresses in today's batch are topless, plus Lind bares her bum.
|Topless and showing just a hint of pubes in scenes from "Prozac Nation". Currently you can find this on DVD in some parts of Europe, but it seems that it may never see the light of day in the US.
|The model/actress who is now apparently using the name Jaime King. Here we see the "Bulletproof Monk" and "Pearl Harbor" co-star more or less topless in scenes from her first movie "Happy Campers" (2001). In link #1 she is apparently wearing a fishing net. In #2 she lifts her shirt to reveal that she has eyes painted on her breasts. Look for her on the big screen in the upcoming Robert Rodriguez movie, "Sin City" (2005).
|Two hot Canadian babes both getting nekkid in scenes from "Century Hotel" (2001). Booth is topless, Kirshner is topless and also bares her bum.
||The Aussie actress and star of "Against All Odds", "The Thorn Birds" and of course "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" revealing a very brief bit of nipple during a love scene from "After Dark, My Sweet" (1990).
|Some very clear views of Porman's bum in these 'caps featuring scenes from "Closer". It's very possible that link #2 has the most unusual layout I have ever seen.
Sung Hi Lee
|Señor Skin takes a look at the made for cable movie "This Girl's Life", starring James Woods and ultra sexy new comers Juliette Marquis in her first role. The movie deals with the personal and professional relationships of a porn star named Moon (Marquis). There is plenty of nudity, Marquis is as sexy as can be, and Woods does some scene stealing. A decent watch.
In this batch of 'caps, all 3 ladies are topless. Marquis also shows a little bit more.
Here's the breakdown:
Marquis link #5 kinda frontal nudity (odd angle, but we do see a bit of pubes)
Marquis links 6 and 7 feature some lesbo lovin'
Marquis link #8, very nice rear nudity.
Marquis links 9, 14 and 15 show brief pube views.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
CLINT EASTWOOD TO MICHAEL MOORE: "I'LL KILL YOU"
Go Ahead, Make My Day - At the National Board of Review awards in New York,
Clint Eastwood said from the stage, "Michael Moore and I actually have a
lot in common - we both appreciate living in a country where there's free
expression." But then he squinted and rasped, "But, Michael, if you ever
show up at my front door with a camera - I'll kill you." The crowd,
including Moore, roared with laughter. Clint added, "I mean it." Moore's
rep said he took the comments "in the lighthearted spirit in which they
So the rep misunderstood them, too.
Moore couldn't speak himself, since he's fled to the Himalayas.
Michael Moore may be dead meat...A WHOLE LOT of dead meat.
TRUMP GETTING WEDDING GOODIES FREE
Star Jones Is SO Jealous - Donald Trump is bragging about how his giant
wedding will be nearly free. He got fiancee Melania Knauss a $1.5 million
ring for half price by giving the jeweler an appearance on "The
Apprentice," and he's boasting that for every thing he needs, from photos
to flowers to catering to jets, there are five different suppliers fighting
to give it to him, just to be associated with a Trump wedding. But he
added, "I'll do my own hair - unfortunately for the world."
No stylist wants to be associated with his hair.
So he's got both this wedding and his next four weddings all covered.
He already has lawyers lining up to handle the divorce pro bono.
Saying they supplied wedding stuff to Donald Trump for free allows them
to charge poor people more money.
TOM AND NICOLE'S KIDS EMBARRASSED BY THEIR PARENTS
My Parents Are So Lame! - Nicole Kidman says she and Tom Cruise's
12-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son are so embarrassed by their
parents, they won't let them pick them up at school. She said they're so
embarrassed by their parents' fame, they want to change their names and
say, "whatever you do, don't come" to their school. Tom said when he tells
them he remembers a time when there were no cell phones or Internet, "They
just look at me as if to say, 'Oh God, that's unbelievable!'"
He hasn't dared to tell them that he once did a movie where he danced
around in his underwear.
Thank God they're too young to see "Eyes Wide Shut," or they'd DIE of
They just act embarrassed so their parents will send a limo.
All parents of teenagers need to remember this story.