Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Junior will return for three days starting tomorrow, then "I'll
Vital Signs (1990)
Vital Signs is a soap opera about third year medical
students. You know the drill. When off duty, the dedicated doctors
have romances with one another. When on duty they scream, "Live, damn you!"
as they pound furiously on their patients' chests.
There is one great mystery surrounding this film. Perhaps you think of yourself as a rational and
skeptical person who believes that time travel is impossible. Well if that is so, this
film will test your confidence in that belief. Somehow, a 1982 genre
Young Doctors in Love managed to parody Vital Signs almost scene-for-scene
even though Vital Signs was released in 1990.
I can only offer two possible explanations:
1) Vital Signs represents the only case in history where
a serious movie was created by stripping the humor from a parody, thus allowing
itself to be pre-satirized for your protection. It would be
the exact equivalent of taking the script from Blazing Saddles,
removing every bit of humor and the silly modern day epilogue,
thus creating an inspiring, cliché-ridden Western.
Or, and this seems to me the more likely explanation:
2) The writer and director of Young Doctors in Love
journeyed into the future, watched Vital Signs, and wrote a parody
I guess I could stop being a smart-ass and admit that there is
undoubtedly a far more rational explanation available. I must have
be unaware of or have mercifully forgotten at least one and probably
several pre-1982 films which are completely
indistinguishable from Vital Signs. I will wager that this
particular version of the story film is distinguished
from similar earlier films only by the graphic and sometimes bloody
detail in the surgery scenes and other medical emergencies.
That paragraph alone should tell you whether you want to see
Anyway, that's all I'm going to write. If you want
to see Young Doctors in Love minus the jokes, plus Diane Lane's
breasts, this is your movie.
The Machinist (2004)
SPOILERS (no revelation of the major secret,
but enough info to spoil some elements)
The machinist is a man who has not slept in
a year, and his mind is disappearing as fast as his body. His life
is unraveling. His lack of sleep makes
him dangerous on the highways, and even more dangerous in a
workplace filled with enormous
machines. We can see that something happened a year ago to start
this snowball down the machinist's mental hill, but we cannot see
exactly what it is. We are
allowed looks into his subconscious in the form of his delusions,
and within those imaginary episodes are clues to the events which
precipitated his instability, but the mystery is shrouded by
the fact that we are trapped inside his mind, and have no way to
know when he's thinking clearly and when he's delusional.
Critical opinion was sharply divided on The Machinist.
The reviews generally focused on some combination of these four things:
1) A brilliant performance by the 190 pound Brit
Christian Bale as a 130 pound American. Bale looked frighteningly
skeletal. He's a good actor to begin with; he's very good with
accents; and he actually lost 63 pounds on a daily diet which
consisted of one can of tuna and one apple.
2) Plot similarities to Memento and Fight Club. There
is a character named
"Ivan" who can be seen only by the machinist himself. As many
reviewers noted, that portion of the secret was obvious, a bit
clumsy, and quite derivative of Fight Club. On the other hand, the
identity of "Ivan" was only part of the mystery, and I thought the
rest of the details were handled quite cleverly.
3) Explicit ugliness and gore. The Philadelphia Daily
News said, "The
movie is ingeniously designed. It is also repulsive and I wish I
hadn't seen it."
4) The fact that the double secret probationary
ending was too obviously foreshadowed and/or revealed earlier in the film
There's plenty of truth in all of those
statements. I did catch on to the secret (or at least a big chunk of
it) early in the film, but that
didn't keep me from enjoying the way in which it was revealed. In
fact, when I looked back on the film, I felt that the film's author had
done quite a clever job at showing how the lead character's delusions
were oblique reflections of his suppressed memories.
It's a grim and depressing movie, and is
certainly not a wide-audience popcorn kind of experience. It is fundamentally a very arty
and depressing episode of The Twilight Zone stretched to feature
length. As noted by the critics, it's similar to but not as cool as
Fight Club. It's also similar to but not as original as Memento.
Given its grim tone and the fact that many people viewed it as
derivative, The Machinist was shoveled into mini-arthouse theatrical
distribution, and did virtually no box office. It won't do much
better on video, because the high-volume Blockbuster in my
neighborhood did not even order one copy of the DVD for rental
- despite the fact that the film stars Christian Bale and came out
on video the same day as the world premiere of Batman!
I don't mean to imply that the film's narrow appeal indicates a lack
of quality. Not at all. The Machinist has an intriguing story, and is performed
well, especially by Christian Bale, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Michael Ironside. I
was not only hooked into the mystery plot, but I also admired all
the work that went into the film's sights and sounds. The director, the cinematographer, and the composer managed to do an excellent job on the look and tone of the
film, allowing the audience to share the machinist's distorted
perspective. The script allowed the audience to understand more about the delusion
than the machinist could understand, yet not too much more. By never fully pulling away the veil of
madness, the director allowed the mystery to unravel at the proper pace.
Although I can see why the film would be unattractive to most filmgoers,
I thought it was terrific.
The Sun Online - News: Mr Spock can see Uranus! "STAR
Trek legend Mr Spock has boldly gone on his bravest enterprise yet
- photographing fat women NAKED."
Mrs Robinson has joined Joltin' Joe. "Legendary actress
Anne Bancroft died of cancer on June 7 at Mount Sinai Hospital,
according to an Associated Press report. She was 73."
Jessica Simpson Fucked My Boyfriend! According to Bam
Margara's ex-girlfriend, Jen. The story was also repeated by
Margara's own father. Bam, however, said his dad was "full of
- In a sweet peace offering,
Brooke Shields sends Tom Cruise two tickets to Chicago.
“If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one
adult, one child," so he can bring his girlfriend.
The trailer from 'Rent'
- Based on Puccini's classic opera La Boheme, Jonathan
Larson's revolutionary rock opera "Rent" tells the story of a
group of Bohemians struggling to live and pay their rent in the
gritty background of New York's East Village. "Measuring their
lives in love," these starving artists strive for success and
acceptance while enduring the obstacles of poverty, ilness and
the AIDS epidemic. One of the longest running shows on Broadway,
"Rent" was the winner of the 1996 Pulitzer Prize for Drame, the
Obie Award, the New York Drama Critics Circle Award, four Tony
Awards and three Drama Desk awards.
Three new clips from My Summer of Love
- 'My Summer of Love' is this summer's most intoxicating and
intriguing romance. From Pawel Pawlikowski, the award-winning
director of 'Last Resort,' comes a tale of obsession and
deception, and the struggle for love and faith in a world where
both seem impossible.
- The Boston Globe gets John Kerry's college transcripts.
Kerry's Yale record was actually worse than Bush's
- Kerry had four Ds in his freshman year alone, but Bush had
only one D in his entire four years, and that one missed a C by
only one point.
- Kerry had no As or Bs at all in his freshman year, scoring
the four Ds and six Cs.
- Overall, the two men finished with nearly identical
averages: Bush 77, Kerry 76.
- To me the most amazing thing is that neither of them
ever got an A. Not one single A. Ever.
The Daily Show's Produce Pete cozies up to a bunch of old fruits.
Jon Stewart interviews Russell Crowe The actor admits
he'd rather get hit in the face than have electrodes on his
A strange animal-like creature walks upright among us.
If I'm not mistaken, it's Paul Giamatti.
- URL says it all:
Swedish herring museum creates a stink. As the official
Sildakongen, I am required to be there for the foul-smelling
- The unofficial
DICK CHENEY FAN CLUB. Take a respite from arguing about
politics policy. Let's talk about something we can all agree upon:
the beautiful human being that is Vice President Dick Cheney.
A shitpile of clips from Mr. and Mrs. Smith
The trailer for Murderball
- "The notion of quadriplegic athletes may be unimaginable to
some, but Murderball shows that they can be as great as any. The
film chronicles these men as they overcome unimaginable
obstacles to become world-class athletes. Murderball (aka quad
rugby) combines the finesse of soccer with the bone-jarring
collisions of a demolition derby. The athletes use custom
wheelchairs that look like something out of a Mad Max movie.
Players careen around the court with reckless abandon, slamming
into each other, fueled by an unrivaled competitive spirit.
Their ultimate goal is to win a gold medal at the Paralympics.
Team USA has dominated the sport for years. But when Joe Soares,
a gold medalist in 1996 and one of the best ever to play the
sport, gets cut from the team, he becomes coach of Team Canada
with one goal: beat Team USA at the 2004 Athens games. What
follows is a roller-coaster ride of human drama, athletic
excellence, and heart-stopping competition that couldn't have
been scripted any better."
The trailer for the animated film Open Season. "A deer
buddies up with a domesticated grizzly bear when the two animals
are alone in the woods during hunting season. Meanwhile, Beth, a
forest ranger who raised the bear, embarks on a desperate search
to find her friend."
Letterman's: "Top Ten Ways To Cheer Up Saddam Hussein"
... "Three words: Los Angeles jury"
The Daily Show: "The President parades babies on national
television to show they shouldn't be exploited."
BOLTON'S ANGER TIED TO GAMMA RAY ACCIDENT. "Don't make
me angry," the U.N. nominee told reporters. "You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry."
"Charlotte Church has topped a gay icon list" Topped?
So she beat Bette Midler, Liza Minelli, Cher, and Judy Garland?
I'm impressed. (And surprised)
Pistons win the right to get swept by the Spurs. Just
joshin'. Kinda. The Heat led 74-68 halfway through the fourth, but
couldn't close the deal.
Jolie performed one of her own stunts in the dominatrix skirt -
and forgot to wear underwear.
"Rawhide," as sung by Frankie Laine and Screamin' Howie Dean
The Sun's incredibly cheesy dramatic re-enactment of Crowe's
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Death Dancers (1993)
Death Dancers (1993) is hands down the worst film Troma has ever released.
This is the easiest F I have ever awarded. In addition to being technically
incompetent, it is impossible to follow. I was able to surmise that it has a
BDSM theme, and includes a police undercover operation, and that Deborah Dutch
is the head dominatrix. Other than that, I am totally lost here. It is a
travesty that IMDb scores it so highly, at 1.1, with no reviews or comments.
We have full frontal from Deborah Dutch, Sunset Thomas, and several unknown
- Thumbnails (1,
- Deborah Dutch. (
- Sunset Thomas (
- Unknowns. (
Caps and comments by The Hankster:
We start off today with some "Hankster
Light". Glori-Anne Gilbert showing off those massive robo hooters in "Countess
Dracula's Orgy of Blood". (1,
6) Can't comment on the
movie, I just scanned thru it to make these caps, but I can tell if you like
topless babes, this would be a good one.
Next up from the TV series "The Lost World", we have Rachel Blakely (1
) topless with a gun, really
the good parts are hidden except cap # 2, which has a bit of a nip slip.
Wrapping it up today we have a "Babe in Bondage", Eryn Dona Dalton tied and
suspended topless upside down in "Blowback" (1
Caps, clips and comments by The Ghost:
Pics and vids from the Roger Corman
produced "Beneath the Bermuda Triangle." The movie also features Jeff Fahey
and Richard Tyson. Compared to other Corman movies this one is of below
average entertainment quality.
The ladies are Kimberly Stevens (collage)
Linda Hoffman (collage)
Caps and comments by Dann
artist may have witnessed his best friend's murder, in this 2005 mystery. Too
bad he was so stoned he can't remember anything. Even worse, he's a suspect, and
he doesn't have a clue if he in fact did the murder himself.
While I can't call this movie outstanding, it was interesting for the most
part, so at worst I suppose it could be called uneven. A nice twisty ending
helped a lot, though, as did some brief gratuitous nudity.
This movie is also reviewed in the
Movie House. I had about the same take on it.
|Before she became an established star in the late
70s and early 80s, Spacek was just takin' care of business, tryin' to do what
was necessary to get work. Here she is in her first credited appearance,
establishing her nudity credentials in 1972's Prime Cut
|Raw caps from The Comeback,
premiere episode. This is the new Lisa Kudrow series on HBO.
(You may remember her as the sexy wife of the ugly boil-encrusted redneck in
Harold & Kumar Go to White
|From The Politician's Wife,
a 1995 TV drama from Britain's Channel 4, later broadcast on PBS according to
IMDb, although I somehow missed it altogether.
|From 1983's Private School,
one of the many sexy low budget youthploitation comedies of the 1980s. I have
undoubtedly seen it, and every other entry into the genre, but I'll be damned if
I can remember which is which. I know it's the one with Betsy Russell on the
|A sexy, nipply shot of Kristin in a flimsy dress.
|Since Jr normally writes this every day I can't
remember if we have already run this picture of Kate Moss topless. If it's a
duplicate, sorry, but it's worth another look.
|The British tabloid regular shows off her
incredible chest in the Daily Star
Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
Get Cinderella's Prints
Russell Crowe was arrested for assault Monday morning in Manhattan, after he
allegedly threw a phone in a hotel clerk's face. Crowe's publicist released a
statement saying he was frustrated by a faulty phone in his room and by the
hotel's unwillingness to help him call his family in Australia. So he brought
the phone to the front desk, where "words were exchanged." Crowe says he
threw it against the wall and regrets losing his temper, but denies hitting the
clerk with it.
- Trust me, when a clerk is hit with a phone by
Russell Crowe, he KNOWS it.
- That clerk should just be grateful Russell didn't
get a faulty bathtub.
- The cops gave him one phone call...local...and stood
Implanting Bad Ideas
A survey of 15-to-19-year-old British girls by
www.thelab.tv found that 63 percent would rather be nude glamour models than
nurses, teachers or doctors. 25 percent thought being a lapdancer was a good
profession, compared to only 3 percent for teacher. Nearly half thought busty
models Jordan and Abi Titmuss were good role models, compared to 9 percent for
"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling and 4 percent for feminist writer Germaine
Greer. A spokesman blamed the constant media coverage of scantily-clad sexpots,
saying that teens see taking your clothes off as a great way to become rich and
- And marry Donald Trump.
- Hey, it didn't help Germaine Greer.
- I thought their role models were talented singers,
like Christina Aguilera.
- The good news for men is that if they ever need a
nurse, they'll probably get one who wanted to be a porn star.
- Bad news for the 19-year-olds: they're already too
old for Hugh Hefner.
- They'll make enough money to retire at 25, which is
good since they'll HAVE to retire at 25.
Got An Extreme Makeover, But Still A Dog
Veterinarians at an animal clinic in Moscow reportedly had to treat a dog
whose genitals had been bitten through in a dog fight. They normally put such
dogs down, but they decided to try a radical experiment to save it: they gave
the dog a sex change. They castrated the dog, surgically created a vagina and
even used a little silicone to create fake nipples for it. They say after it
recovers, it will still behave like a male dog, but the lower male hormones will
make it show much less interest in female dogs.
- It will find them all to be bitches.
- He got a sex change because he was attacked by a
- Now, he can tell all the other dogs that there are
worse things than being neutered.
- The operation was paid for by the Association of
Russian Veterinarians With Way Too Much Time On Their Hands.
The Fruit Gene
Researchers at the Austrian Academy of Sciences discovered that all they had
to do was alter one gene in fruit flies to make them "turn
gay" and begin exhibiting the mating behavior of the opposite sex.
- But then, how macho could a fruit fly be in the
- Can they try this on that poor dog in Moscow?
- If this also applies to humans, someday, the
top-rated show on TV could be the Tony Awards.
Internet Movie Database News reports that after a test screening of the new
kids' movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded," Disney got complaints
from parents that Lindsay Lohan's curves were too sexy. So they hired computer
techies to digitally reduce her breasts by two cup sizes. They were also told
to raise her neckline in some scenes and pay special attention to any scenes in
which she was jumping up and down.
- Trust me, they already were.
- This is the exact opposite of what they do when they
retouch photos for the Internet.
- They should've just renamed the movie "Lindsay:
Fully Loaded," and marketed it to dads.
- It would've been cheaper to remove the implants and
put them back in later.
The New York Post's Page Six reports that Britney Spears must be having a
daughter, since she was spotted buying lots of expensive designer baby clothes,
all for girls. At least that production is going better than her UPN show
"Chaotic," which chronicles her love life with Kevin Federline. After three
episodes, ratings have rapidly dropped 42 percent among 18-to-49-year-old
- Thank God, impressionable 12-year-old girls are
- About 20 percent of the people who watched the first
episode are still in the shower, trying to scrub it off.
- By the time they televise the birth, the audience
will be completely gone.
- Britney took her mind off it by buying lots of cute
little push-up bras and bare-midriff sleepers.
|A quick site note
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