Heat and Dust (1982) is a film I covered from a Region 2 release, and it has now become available on Region 1. It is an early effort from the director/producer team of Merchant and Ivory, and concentrates more on character and less on Historical detail than their later works. The film takes place in two time frames. A young and vibrant Greta Scacchi travels to colonial India to be with her husband who is a junior consul in government service, and becomes enthralled with India. Her least favorite thing? The stodgy English women who also live there. Her favorite thing? The local prince, and the excitement of the Indian court.

Meanwhile, cut to present day, and her grand niece, Julie Christie, comes to India based on her great aunts letters home, to trace her steps and understand her. In reality, she is trying to find herself after a disastrous relationship with a married man. The two women follow strikingly parallel paths, even to becoming pregnant. At the same time, the switching time frame contrasts colonial India with the present, and also shows the fascination of India in both eras. Even if the story doesn't grab you, there are two other good reasons to see this film. The cinematography is wonderful, and Greta Scacchi, in her first film role, shows buns and breasts. Although she is behind a mosquito net, the nudity is clear and well lit.

So, we have beautiful imagery, nudity, historical and cultural interest, love stories, and fine performances from both Scacchi and Julie Christie. Unfortunately, the region 1 DVD is now available, and has the same great video quality and feature set as the Region 2 version. The transfer on the region 2 version is very good, and includes extra features about the Merchant Ivory team. IMDB readers voted it 6.2 of 10. The film won a BAFTA for best screenplay adaptation, and was nominated for 7 others. I think the film has more appeal for estrogen oriented viewers, but it held my interest, despite the fact that historical dramas are not generally my favorite. I will give this one a B-.

Le Secret (2000)

A French movie has been shot.

(pause)

Round up the usual suspects.

Yup, same old, traditional French movie theme. A 35 year old woman is married to a wonderful, boring guy with an uninspiring aptitude in the bedroom.

Gosh, I guess you'll never guess what happens next. OK, I know you're giving up so I'll have to tell you.

1) affair

2) remorse

When married to Mr Boring, she just felt that there should be something more in life, and that she was really missing something.

In other words, she had the same banal thoughts we all have when we get to a certain age and have not accomplished what we might have  or seen all we should have. Unfortunately, some people think that they are the only ones who have these thoughts and have to make a movie from this unique concept.

As it turns out, the thing Madame was really missing was a big macho guy who would rip off her clothes, then grab her ankles, pull them five feet apart, and point them at the summer moon.

Luckily for her, Candyman (Tony Todd) was in town for a horror villain convention. They always have 'em in Paris, at the insistence of the American Werewolf. All the masked villains would prefer to go to Venice during the masquerades, but a lot of the others are afraid of water - the Antichrist and the Wicked Witch of the West in particular. The bored housewife heads off to the horror convention to try to sell some Encyclopedias. Freddy Kruger is just about to slash her when Candyman intervenes. It turns out the Candydude has his own pad in Gay Paree, and he takes Madame back there and opens up her bodily orifices so wide that you could drive a humvee through 'em. In fact, in one scene I think he actually did that.

As time goes on, she comes to realize that being having a grade-B American movie actor use her as his personal Inflatable Judy doll is not getting her any closer to the future she once dreamed of, and her husband starts to get a little suspicious when she comes home from "selling encyclopedias" with her body covered with bruises, and her anus stretched out to the circumference of a volleyball.

So she has to figure out how to fess up and patch up with her boring husband.

Having dealt with her mid-life crisis, she goes to the next stage of life much wiser.

Not to mention much wider.

• Anne Coesens (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

OTHER CRAP:

• The LEAST sexy sex scenes of all time

• Jacko once sang a song about the D.A. who is about to prosecute him

• The Sun's latest, in-depth coverage of the Jacko story

• Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat - the synopsis at Metacritic. It is currently standing at 10/100, worst of the year so far. Gigli scored 19, Boat Trip 14, Kangaroo Jack 13, From Justin to Kelly 12. Last year's most appalling wide releases, Pinocchio, Pluto Nash, and Slackers, scored 8,9,8. The record for the worst reviews EVER, according to Metacritic, is a score of 1, earned by Pauly Shore's career capper, Bio-Dome.

• Rotten Tomatoes. Reviews for Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat with Mike Myers It looks like this movie will give Boat Trip and Gigli some competition at RT as well. So far, 0% positive.

• Halle Berry and Penelope Cruz did NOT get naked in the naked shower scene in Gothica."

• Russian Vodka-drinking contest results. Loser finishes dead last. Winner finishes dead.

• True Stella Awards: the 2002 Winners for the most frivolous lawsuits

• The Smoking Gun: Arrest Warrant for Michael Jackson, 3 million bail

• Are you a successful exec with a great sense of humor and an extra $40,000? You need the Space Ghost Desk and Chair. Now, for a limited time only, on sale for $39,995. Please - one to a customer.

• Great commercial for tobasco sauce

• Instant voodoo - online

• the home page for the CBS Victoria's Secret shows

• Ken Brett is dead at 55. He was the youngest man ever to pitch in the World Series, the only pitcher to homer in four consecutive starts, and the brother of Hall of Famer George Brett.

• The eight finalists in the design contest for the World Trade Center memorial

• Texas Woman Arrested For Selling Dildos: A distributor for Passion Parties, a "Schtupperware" home party company, was arrested last week. Her crime: selling dildos sexual devices rather than as novelties. She organizes invitation-only home parties in her area. Ms. Webb made no secret about her activities – she was even a member of the city's Chamber of Commerce. But someone filed a complaint. And the law is the law.

• Who will play The Scarecrow in Batman 5. This film is being directed by Christoper Nolan, and will be dark and edgy.

• Playstation 2 recreates Intellivision - 60 games from the 80s in one package

• Bucci-Twins.com - Free Gallery

• RitzCamera.com - Meade Capture View Digital Camera Binocular - NEW! Eight power binoculars with a built-in digital camera. The perfect Christmas gift for the peeping tom in your list.

• Hilarious parody of Candid Camera-type shows: "Kicked in the Nuts"

• Dead man's phone rings inside coffin. You'd think death would put those telemarketers off, but no-o-o-o-o.

• The Ladder Theory: The ladder theory is a funny, scientific explanation of how men and women are attracted to each other. It also covers such topics as why women sometimes just want to be friends but men always want sex.

• Stockingirl Stockings, Pantyhose, Corsetry and Lingerie Boutique

• The Indiana Pacers Dancers...The Pacemates. Scroll down and click on the Photo Galleries for the best pics.

• Weekly World News: "IN A BOLD and daring initiative that he firmly believes will put America back on an even keel, President George W. Bush is moving quickly to make square dancing mandatory. Dance 'callers' are now being trained at secret locations around the nation.

• The bad casting hall of fame A good list, but they missed my favorite: Mickey Rourke as Francis of Assisi.

• Hef offers Britney seven figures to bare all.

• History Channel airs a documentary about a theory that LBJ helped plan the JFK killing. I doubt it. On the other hand, if Kennedy's death had been investigated like a police procedure, LBJ would have been the #1 suspect. Means, motive, opportunity. MOTIVE: he had the most to gain from Kennedy's death - the most powerful position in the world. He was a ruthless, egomaniacal, power-crazed and amoral man. MEANS and OPPORTUNITY: The murder took place in Texas, where LBJ pulled every string there was to pull, and he knew exactly how the President's visit was mapped out. And Jack Valenti says it could not possibly be true, which is about equivalent in "testimony weight" to God declaring that it IS true. Every other wacky conspiracy theory has massive logical flaws, but this one does make sense. By the way, the channel is not claiming that this is the solution. This is one part of a series about many different theories.

• The former Mrs Rodman will turn her next wedding into a reality show

• British reporter gets Buckingham Palace job with false references, gets close enough to see the Bushes meet the Windsors.

• Music experts have named U2's love song One as the greatest song ever recorded. Terry Jacks was screwed again. "Season in the Sun" didn't get jack(s). Sing along with me. "Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees ..."

• Selective Service System: Publications. Is the draft coming back? According to this official plan, one of the 2004 goals of the Selective Service is to ensure that a mobilization infrastructure of 56 State Headquarters, 442 Area Offices and 1,980 Local Boards will be operational within 75 days of an authorized return to conscription.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Lori Singer, topless and partial rear nudity in scenes from the 1993 movie "Sunset Grill".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Main course for the day is Emerald Forest (1985).

My big bro, who has a decade on me, describes a National Geographic magazine that arrived one day when he was twelve. That issue had a big photo story about Micronesia, which in the 60's had yet to go entirely Western in dress and customs. That means the women walked around topless. Real babes, too, or so he remembers. Not so much an idyllic lifestyle to his adolescent mind, but an ideal one... no work, lots of babes, all of them topless.

John Boorman must have seen the same magazine because he filmed it. Oh, sure, he moved it to Brazil and all, but he made a movie about Western encroachment into an ideal society. Lots of babes, all of them topless.

And young, too. Only one old fart in the whole movie and he was the chief. Even his wife was a MILF. Nobody else over the age of 30, so far as I could see. This was National Geographic meets Logan's Run, because sure as shootin' something was killing off the natives as they reached what we would regard as early adulthood.

So the Westerners encroach and the noble savages, who spend most of their time frolicking around something resembling the Clampett's See-ment pond, fight back mystically... and all is made right. What horseshit. I'm not siding with the Haliburton crowd, who would burn down the Amazon rain forest for a few more bucks in their pockets, but the story ought to be told as something other than a fairytale where all virtue resides with the savage and none resides with the civilized.

But then there are the babes and their delightfully natural nekkidness.

Main babe was played by Brazilian actress Dira Paes. This was her first role, according to IMDB, and she has continued to work to this very day. Ms. Paes was a real babe. Topless, too.

Her exposure starts off with two other women... supposed to be cousins... played by Patricia Prisco and Isabel Bicudo. Those are the first two collages. The remaining collages are of her, alone, showing two of the three B's... are what fine B's they are.

• Dira Paes, Patricia Prisco and Isabel Bicudo (1, 2)

• Dira Paes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Second well-exposed babe is Tetchie Agbayani. Benny's sister? Speaking of which, whatever happened to Benny Agbayani? He was a hittin' machine and then... poof....gone... at least off my radar.

Anyway, Tetchie was in a couple of movies before Emerald Forest and was in a whole bunch afterward... including my favorite Gawd awful movie of all time... Gymkata. Ahhh, Gymkata... the bottom of the barrel in martial arts movies... and that is saying something.

Tetchie seems to have been born and raised in the Phillipines... but hey that's right next door to Brazil, right? Only half a continent and three-quarters of the Pacific ocean away. What's that. 10.000 miles? Twelve thou, tops.

Tetchie was a real nice package. Cute as the dickens... angelic even... with a frame that inspires all kinds of evil thoughts. Hers is also a double B performance. And in the last collage you see the only indication that at least one guy in the tribe was actually impressed by and responsive to all those bare bosoms.

• Tetchie Agbayani (1, 2, 3)

Last collage from this movie consists of two frames showing off large groups of unknown topless native women. This may not be the winner of the "Greatest number of unknown topless babes in a movie" award, but it is a contender.

• Unknown

Then there are a couple of collages from other movies.

Anna Levine Thomson in Water Drops on Burning Rocks. She looks as good as she ever has but she gives up no goodies. Anna with her clothes on? Who woulda thunk.

• Anna Levine Thomson

Running the anchor lap is Marcia Swayze from Speedway. Marcia is a former fashion model and, as her name suggests, relative of the Dirty Dancing dude. She shows a lot of cleavage in this movie. Here's some.

• Marcia Swayze

"Flesh for the Beast"
The first thing we learn from this movie is that getting laid by a ghost means getting laid out by a ghost. A group of parapyschologists get called to a very haunted mansion to sort things out. One by one, they are sorted down and out by a group of very lovely, mostly naked ghosts. There are worse ways to go. :-)

This is no classic, but it is good sleazy fun, with a decent enough haunted house story wrapped around the sexual shananigans. Be sure to get the Non-Rated version.

• Barbara Joyce, topless.
• Caroline Hoermann, full frontal.
• Jane Scarlett, breasts and a hint of pubs.
• Ruby Larocca, full frontal nudity and a hint of bum.

JACKSON'S NEVERLAND RANCH RAIDED
Shocking, Yet Somehow Not - Tuesday, police raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch and searched it for hours in an unspecified criminal investigation, which Court TV claimed stems from sexual abuse allegations by a 12-year-old boy. Michael was in Las Vegas, where he lashed out at what he called the "rogue's gallery of hucksters and inside sources" speculating on what it's about, saying they always make some "dreadful allegation" just as one of his projects is coming out. It was release day for his new Greatest Hits CD, featuring his duet with R. Kelly, "One More Chance."