Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

The Tulse Luper Suitcases: Part 1. The Story of Moab (2003)

The Tulse Luper Suitcases is an ambitious multi-media project from auteur Peter Greenaway, which essentially summarizes and comments on the entire 20th century by creating an alternate parallel version of it, and following the life of one man named Tulse Luper, who lived through it. He was born in 1911 and disappeared in 1989, but may still be alive in that parallel plane of existence. Here is Tulse's apocryphal biography from a website which is part of the project.  When the project is completed, it will encompass three films, a TV series, and many CDs, DVDs, books, and web sites. Probably some trading cards and commemorative plates, too, for all I know, and maybe even a low-carb Tulse Luper Diet. Here is a page dedicated to the project, which has links to trailers, flash animations, and more. It even tells you what is inside each of the 92 Tulse Luper Suitcases. Here is the official site. If any of that helps you figure out what the hell is going on here, be sure to let the rest of us know.

I sure as hell don't know what is going on here.

Greenaway has all but abandoned any sense of traditional narrative in this project, but it does seem that the mysterious Mr Luper made an effort to eradicate all records of his having lived, thus leaving us to reconstruct his life from clues hidden in the aforementioned 92 suitcases which he deposited in various places around the world. Why 92? Well, you big silly, because 92 is the atomic number of Uranium! I'll thank you not to ask any more foolish questions, my good man! Uranium, you see, is the key to the century, so the tale must be woven by a 92-thread loom. (BARITONE VOICE-OVER: Yes, 92, it's not just for counting suitcases anymore!) There are also 92 objects of special importance in human existence, 92 characters in the story, and maybe some other 92-centric bric-a-brac that I'm forgetting. A data screen, looking like a PowerPoint slide, appears in the film from time to time, keeping us posted about the official number for a new character, suitcase, or critical object. (E.g., Suitcase #38: Water.) To maintain the numeric symmetry, there will eventually be 92 DVDs in the project, or so goes the current claim.

The three films will undoubtedly contain about as much content as we would normally expect in ten films, because the screen always seems to have much more going on than a simple image accompanied by sound. There are overlays, superimpositions, dissolve effects, additional frames appearing inside the screen, more frames within those frames, scoreboards, grids, split screens, fancy calligraphy, overlapping sound, characters appearing from nowhere to explain what other characters are doing, and so forth. Some of these things seem to add weight to the story, while others just seem aesthetically right to Mr. Greenway, I suppose. The film does look and sound beautiful. His aesthetic sense is too cluttered for my taste, but all that clutter has always, in one way or another, been part of his distinctive oeuvre, and Greenaway is possibly the most artistic of all filmmakers.

Cutting to the chase ...

Is the film good? Yes, I believe so. It is very good in many ways, and it is certainly original and ambitious. It is also completely non-commercial. It is even too arty to attract paying customers to the arthouse. I don't know of anyone by Peter Greenaway who could raise more than ten million dollars in public funds to underwrite a project with no hope of recapturing any but the tiniest portion of it. The national film boards treat Greenaway's works as art treasures, and seem happy to subsidize them.

Is it something I enjoyed watching? Sometimes. My reactions ranged from being amused to being impressed to thinking "get on with it!" I did watch some sections of the film a second time, pausing to read the omnipresent verbiage, or to freeze a particularly striking image.

Do I want to see more of the films and other elements of this project? Not on your life. Peter Greenaway seems to live entirely in his own world, and it is not a world that particularly interests me. On the other hand, I've probably said the same thing about all of his movies, but I always seem to come back for the next one.

Are many of you likely to want to see it? For the film: 1%. For the Caroline Dhavernas nudity: 100%. One reader chided me that if I liked Caroline Dhavernas so much, I should have made some videos of her when I did the collages for this film. He was right, especially given the fact that this is not available on Region 1 DVD. (I bought the Spanish Region 2 DVD, which has soundtracks in English, Castillian, and Catalan.)

Here are five videos from Peter Greenaway's strange, complex, surreal, artistic, and sometimes silly movie. I think this just about covers all of Caroline's nudity.

'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

Zero Woman Assassin Lovers is one of the better installments in this Japanese series about a hit woman employed by Tokyo PD to eliminate the riff-raff. As with the other Zero Woman episodes, the key to Assassin Lovers is who plays the mysterious Rei. Here it is former child actress Kumiko Takeda. She looks as good and acts as tough as my favorite of the Rei's, Chieko Shiratori. And she is supported by a nice looking actress named Marie Jinna.

The story is not very complex. Rei is assigned the task of eliminating a major bad guy but she deliberately bungles the attempt to commit suicide...and winds up shot in about ten places but survives, thanks to the efforts of the bad guy's own assassin. The two fall in love but, in a plot twist predating that Brad and Angelina movie, they are each assigned the task of elminating the other. He can't do it when he gets the chance. She, however, has no problem at all pulling the trigger.

We get to see Ms. Takeda's upper superstructure. And super it is. The gal weighs less than 100 pounds, but sports a pair of hooties worth spending some serious time with. All the nekkid scenes are dark but there are a few nice frames. Marie Jinna's scenes are also dimly lighted, which meant some light manipulation and that brought out the noise and since the transfer is pretty awful, THAT meant we have way more noise than we would like. Oh well, them's the breaks.

This is the last of the Zero Woman movies that I've been able to find and it may well be the most approchable. A good place to start if you are interested in this funky series.

Kumiko Takeda

Marie Jinna

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today it's a return to that really bad movie "Compelling Evidence".

One more scene and then we burn this DVD!

She's basically an unknown, but here is Doris Ragsdale showing off some really nice T&A. This scene was a movie within a movie featuring her removing her blouse to bandage the wound of the so called action hero star. She gets a bullet in the head for her efforts.

Doris Ragsdale

Crimson Ghost
Bari Buckner showing off some decent toplessness in scenes from an episode of the late night cable series "Erotic Confessions".

Here is UK actress Kim Thomson topless in scenes from "Stealing Heaven" (1988).

Salma Hayek didn't get nekkid in "From Dusk Til Dawn", but she sure did look sexy doing that snake dance!

Naturally, no complete breakfast would be complete without a daily dose of high quality, name brand Skinemax nudity! Here is Gabriella Hall in scenes from an episode of "The Pleasure Zone"

The paparazzi catch UK babe Sadie Frost wearing a very see-thru dress while out and about in London.

Vejiita 'caps of Rae Dawn Chong buck nekkid in scenes from on of her first films, 1981's "Quest For Fire".

The Skin-man's turn to serve up a heapin' helpin' of very impressive nudity from Rosario Dawson. Here she is in the big stinker of a flick, "Alexander".

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
"Google representatives have instituted a policy of not talking with CNET reporters until July 2006 in response to privacy issues raised by a previous story" The irony is that the supposed privacy violations were all found by CNET reporters doing a Google search!! The whole point of the first article was to demonstrate that Google represents a threat to privacy, and the reporters demonstrated that by publishing private information they Googled up about Google's CEO!!


  • One disgruntled former White House aide told Weekly World News the President "most likely got it in 1972 when he was AWOL from the National Guard. He was a party animal back in his Guard days and he probably got it when he was hopped up on liquor and cocaine," says the source.
  • The source wanted to tell Bob Novak, but the number was busy, so he called Weekly World News instead.

The Straight Dope: "How do you have lucid dreams?"

Cops arrest crusader, who tries to go medieval on their asses. Literally.

Roger Ebert reviews the Dukes of Hazzard

  • He hated it. Nothing unusual there, but I linked it because it is an amusing article.
  • "The movie stars Johnny Knoxville, from 'Jackass,' Seann William Scott, from 'American Wedding,' and Jessica Simpson, from Mars. Judging by her recent conversation on TV with Dean Richards, Simpson is so remarkably uninformed that she should sue the public schools of Abilene, Texas, or maybe they should sue her. On the day he won his seventh Tour de France, not many people could say, as she did, that they had no idea who Lance Armstrong was."

NASA - self-portrait during a space walk, and another great picture.

"Francis Ford Coppola has made Walter Salles an offer he can't refuse. The Godfather mastermind has tapped the Brazilian filmmaker, best known for last year's critically-praised indie hit, The Motorcycle Diaries, to direct a long-awaited big-screen version of Jack Kerouac's Beat classic, On the Road"

Every word of this is quoted from the headline and story: "Eel kills again."

  • "A GIANT killer eel has roused from the murky waters of the Yarra to claim its second victim. Eddie the giant eel, named after its first victim -- a Jack Russell dog -- reportedly claimed the life of an unsuspecting goose on Wednesday night."
  • (Soon to be a minor motion picture.)


This might be a bit too real, even by Russian standards. Key West confirmed for next Real World. Production will begin during the final months of hurricane season, but if a hurricane does come, the cast “will uproot their world and leave real fast, with camera crews capturing the chaos every step of the way.”

The latest Hollywood power couple: Rose McGowan and Al Pacino. Rose is 31, while The Godfather is 65.

The trailer and a TV spot for Undiscovered

  • "Set in the world of up-and-coming artists, 'Undiscovered' is a heartfelt and comic film that tells the story of an aspiring model who falls in love with a struggling musician when they suddenly cross paths on a NY subway train."

This is for real: The Clown Code of Ethics

Astronauts Take Out the Trash. Two and a half tons of it!

Daily Show: Jon makes fun of the little Douchebag of Liberty, Robert Novak

Mortimer says no more nude scenes: "English actress Emily Mortimer has decided to stop shedding her clothes after jibes about her full-frontal scene in hit indie film Lovely and Amazing."

Mr Chekhov, set phasers on .. sell.

Vegas, baby! Sin City hoops. The 2007 NBA All-Star Game is headed to Las Vegas, the first time a city without a franchise has been chosen to host the event. They are considering Paris as the host for the 2008 event! Yes, I mean Paris, France.

Jessica Simpson says Daisy Duke is "iconish".

  • Funny, she doesn't look Iconish.
  • Iconish - and she waits tables? Don't the iconish women normally just tend to their quilting and butter-churning?
  • Although they live mostly in Vermont now, the Iconish came here from Iconia, which was once a small, proud Baltic nation which split off from Estonia in a typically European argument about the proper angle of tilt for a feathered cap.
  • Like many immigrants to this land, they entered New York harbor by looking hopefully at the Statue of Liberty. Unlike the others, they mentally pictured what Liberty would look like in tight shorts.

Furniture Porn: Enter... unkess you're an enormous wuss.

NCAA tournament bans Indian-themed mascots, nicknames, or logos. The committee also recommended that schools follow the examples of Wisconsin and Iowa by refusing to schedule contests against schools that use American Indian nicknames. The team most significantly affected is Florida State, which can keep Seminoles for the football team, since there is no NCAA tournament in football, but would have to make changes to the basketball program. Illinois (Fighting Illini) is another major college affected by the ban. (St. Johns and Marquette have already changed, if you hadn't noticed.)

Jessica Simpson discusses her ass cheeks with Diane Sawyer

I don't think this Brit ad will ever be playing in the USA. (Nudity, perversion, and non-gratuitous ripped limbs.)

The reviews are finally pouring in for The Dukes of Hazzard, and it's not a pretty picture. 18% positive.

Conan offers some tips for New York tourists

Vin Diesel will star in a movie called The Retriever, which features Diesel as a one-man army fighting to save the world from nuclear apocalypse.

One more clip from Broken Flowers (Bill Murray's latest Sad Sack movie) has been compromised and customers need to change their passwords.

  • I can't stress this strongly enough, and these alerts never tell you this: It also means that if you use the same username and password on other sites as you use at, you should change those as well.
  • One of the most common methods of site cracking works like this: (1) Crackers assemble monstrously long lists of known combinations of usernames/passwords. (2) They employ brute force programs to try every combination on major pay sites. One day I had a single guy try to log in with 1.3 million different combinations at (I know because they all came from from a single IP!!) (3) The ones that work get shared or posted on Warez sites.
  • Thus, if you use the combination silver/bullet or mickey/mantle (two of the most common combos), it is only a matter of a day or so before the entire internet knows that those are working at site X. Therefore, if you use the same username and password at an unsecured bulletin board site and a major pay site, it is only a matter of time before some cracker finds the unsecured list, adds it to his master cracker list, and finds out that the same combo works on the paysite.
  • Bottom line: use a different username/password for every site you belong to. It's worth the little extra time it takes to keep them recorded somewhere.


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

"Weapons Of Mass Distraction 2" - Actress Mimi Rogers has always refused to get plastic surgery, but she finally had one procedure: a breast reduction. She had her famously large boobs shrunk from 34DDD to 34D. She explained, "When I walked into a room, my breasts were always several steps ahead of me...Men were talking to my chest the entire time, but I couldn't blame them."

  • They had to stand so far back, they couldn't see her face.
  • Every man was attracted to them...Except Tom Cruise, for some reason.
  • Now that they're looking at her face, she may get a facelift after all.

    21st Century Handjob - Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot baseball catcher. They said there's a growing need for a robotic hand that works in the real world, so they thought the best way to develop a fast, versatile robot hand was to try to make one that could catch a baseball. It uses a number of photo detectors to identify the location and trajectory of the ball and grab it out of the air, even when it's traveling at 300 kilometers (184 miles) per hour. And they say it never gets tired.

  • It's on steroids.
  • And it never goes on strike...Can they make an entire robot league?
  • They call it "Michael Jackson" because it wears one glove and never gets tired of grabbing balls.
  • The robot catcher is nothing; I want to see the guy who throws the ball at 184 mph!

    What Boobs! - The London Sun reports that the European Union may have finally gone one regulation too far: Brussels bureaucrats have written a directive banning barmaids from wearing low-cut tops. As part of the "Optical Radiation Directive" to be voted on next month, bureaucrats added a ban on exposed barmaid cleavage, because they might increase their risk of skin cancer when they go outside to pick up empty glasses. Drinkers are threatening to boycott Munich's Oktoberfest if it passes, and the mayor ranted, "I would not want to enter a beer garden under these conditions!"

  • The mayor is willing to personally rub sunscreen on every one of them.
  • So explain how this applies to barmaids who work the night shift.
  • Still wondering why French voters rejected the EU?
  • They're at far greater risk of getting a chest cold.
  • It'll be impossible to see their breasts anyway, through the hazmat suits they'll now have to wear.

  • Tuna

    Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

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