Ah bin up 'n down this ol' world some, an' walked to 'n fro upon it a
piece, an ah seen some shit. Prob'ly seen more movies than ol' Roger
Ebert has even heard of, an' ah reckon there's some mighty irregular
shows in the mem'ries, but they ain't many odder 'n this 'un.
a'mighty, this is some goofy shit! It is also known as Up Your Teddy
Bear and The Seduction of a Nerd.
Back around 1970 or so, a fella named Don
Joslyn saw that his acting career was stagnating, and decided that he
wanted to direct. Before turning out his one and only film, he had to
overcome a few problems, like (a) he had no idea how to direct a
movie, and (b) if he could have learned how, he wouldn't have had
enough money. In fact, to be more specific, he didn't have any money.
To his credit, he did not let these minor issues stand in the way of
assembling 90 minutes worth of footage featuring Wally "Underdog" Cox,
Julie "Catwoman" Newmar, and a popular 350-pound former Shakespearian
actor named Victor Buono. Like Newmar, Buono had played a villain
(King Tut) on the campy Batman TV series. What a cast! Instead of
watching them in a story, I felt like I should have been feeding them
"Wally, on the top left to block. Wally, where
would you go to find the biggest fruit in the Caribbean?"
"I would go to Paul Lynde's cabana. (Audience
response.) No, actually, I believe that would be Antigua."
As Newmar explains in an accompanying
interview, it was a fairly simple
process for Joslyn to make a film with three name stars and no money.
He simply shot in all the locations without permission, and then
failed to pay the actors. Newmar didn't explain how Joslyn came up
with a camera and film, but I think we can imagine how that might have
The footage he assembled wasn't just random.
It even had a plot - or at least a rough outline of a plot - to glue
it all together. Catwoman plays "Mother," the ruthless head of a
greedy corporate toy manufacturing firm. One day she spots a skillful
street busker - a gentle puppet maker (Wally Cox) whose creations seem
fascinating to children. She just has to hire this genius to make
puppets for her company, but he resists her job offer, so Mother puts
her grown but infantile son, Skippy (Buono), on the recruitment job.
Skippy's detectives tell him that Underdog spends all of his free time
following women around without ever approaching them, so the big fella
becomes convinced that he needs a femme fatale to get the ol' Underdog
signature on that management contract. The attempts and failures in
this seduction process form the meat of the movie. Woman after woman
tries and fails, and after each failure Mother berates Skippy for his
incompetence. Turns out Underdog won't go for the chicks because he's in
love with Mother herself. The film doesn't really have a conclusion,
Underdog and Skippy show up in mother's office on day, sans contract,
so Mother berates Skippy once more. Skippy grabs her throat and starts
choking her. They do a long and violent dance which is somewhere
between love-making and murder, whereupon Underdog says, "I see you two want to be alone,"
the door as the end credits roll.
I suppose that was the point where the
director ran out of the film stock he managed to cadge from somebody
That plot summary seems almost credible by Hollywood standards, and
that's really misleading, because the film just seems to meander from
scene to scene. It could easily be edited to a five minute short
without losing anything important.
What makes it so weird? Well sir, the
highlights of the film consist of the following:
- The writer (Don Joslyn again, in his only
writing credit) seems to think he can derive great humor solely from
placing the gigantic Buono and the tiny Underdog in unlikely scenes
together. For example, Buono is dazed and asks Underdog to assist
him, whereupon the 5'6", 125 pound man shoulder-carries the 6'3",
- When Buono is not playing the oafish fat
man in his latter-day Laurel and Hardy act with Wally Cox, he is
making a fool of himself on screen alone. There is a long, long
sequence (I want to say about 89 of the film's 90 minutes) in which
Buono tries to squeeze himself behind the wheel of a foreign sports
car, and then another similar schtick involving his inability to use
public phone booths.
- Additional comic hijinks occur from placing
the two men in comically (?) inappropriate costumes. Buono wears a
little league uniform. Underdog dresses up as a cowboy. Buono goes
undercover as a hooker - and manages to interest a client!
- It is not well known that Underdog was a
passable singer. His ordinary singing was nothing special. He could
carry a tune, but he still sounded like Wally Cox, except a singing
version. But Cox also had a fascinating novelty act. I'll bet even
your TV and movie buff friends will be surprised to hear that
Underdog is a fantastically good yodeler - he can do it very fast
and his voice switches flawlessly every time. It's impressive - for
about twenty seconds. Unfortunately, the writer/director loved that
gimmick so much that he allowed Mr. Cox to lie in bed and Yodel an
entire song, and then to sing two more songs later with intermittent
additional yodeling. Strangely enough, the singing is about the only
time you hear his voice. Cox has almost no spoken dialogue in the
- Oh, boy, I've been putting off mentioning
this one, because it is just too embarrassing to type. This must be
the only film in which Wally Cox does a nude sex scene. Cox keeps
his pants on, but his lover is completely naked - and is played by
Angelique Pettyjohn, a minor legend in sci-fi nerdology as Captain
Kirk's green-haired lover in "The
Gamesters of Triskelion."
I think you have the flavor. It is the Citizen Kane of Yodeling
Underdog Porn Films.
I don't know about you guys, but I think it is
wonderful that Troma finds obscure crap like this, remasters it, and
puts it out on DVD. It is an atrociously bad film, and yet it
possesses a million dollars worth of period memories! I hated it, but
I loved it as well. As a movie,
it could not be much worse. If you call it an F,
I have no rebuttal. But, damn, is it a helluva 1970 time capsule,
buried back then and unearthed after lo, these many years. You have to
watch it in fast forward because the timing is all off and every scene
goes on too long, but you should see it - just for the nostalgia value
and the sheer audacity of it all.
"Intoxicated" Anna Nicole provokes Live 8 suit
"Jim Carrey Talks Ripley's Believe it or Not and The
Number 23 "
for ::::: BANDIDAS ::::: (Hayek and Cruz as cowgirls.)
The Forbes Fictional 15 - the richest fictional characters
- Scrooge McDuck fiunished a weak sixth
Believers say the face of Jesus is visible in the dirt on
a trick tailgate in Laredo, Texas
- Actually, in this case it really does look like an
image of Jesus. Why is he appearing in dirt patterns?
What does He have against the car wash business?
For the cruel little girl on your Christmas list:
Avenging Unicorn Set
"Colbert's word of the day: spectacle" ... "Stephen
reveals that the threat of lethal injection is the number
one reason Stephen hasn't murdered anyone yet."
"Colbert Report: Richard Clarke interview" ... "The
former counter-terrorism czar reveals when the GWAT will
Jon Stewart discusses Eastern Europe with White Stripes
Conan hosts the annual Christmas Vigoda Lighting
Seven clips from Illusion
- "A legendary film director is shown three visions of
the life of the son he never knew. As he lies dying, he
is given one last chance to affect his son's life."
- This stars, of all people, the legendary Kirk
Douglas! Check out Clip 1 - It's heartbreaking, for a
variety of reasons.
Dalton and Mr Bean - together at last!
Four clips from Keeping Mum
- "The sleepy English hamlet of Little Wallop is about
to receive a rude awakening, as the absent-minded
Reverend Walter Goodman (Rowan Atkinson), his
dissatisfied wife Gloria (Kristin Scott Thomas), and
their two children, Holly and Petey, await the arrival
of their new housekeeper, Grace Hawkins (Maggie Smith).
Gloria is a woman struggling to cope. Her teenage
daughter's a nymphomaniac, her young son's the perennial
target for the local bullies, and her marriage to Walter
has long-since dwindled into monotony. It's no wonder
she's failing to resist the advances of her handsome,
American, lothario of a golf pro, Lance (Patrick Swayze).
What this family needs is salvation. And fast. It comes
in the form of "Grace Hawkins", a gentle motherly woman
with a smile for everyone and an answer for everything.
But Grace is not all she seems..."
- I got terrified by the part about the nympho
daughter. That suggested that it might have some nudity,
and in that case I'll have to watch it someday.
trailer for || Angel-A ||, "Luc Besson's romantic
- Did Sam Peckinpah ever do a romantic comedy?
"David Letterman has learned the Power of Oprah: her 'Late
Show' appearance Thursday earned him his biggest audience
in more than a decade."
- "Winfrey's appearance more than tripled Letterman's
Four advance cuts from Paris Hilton's album have been
posted at myspace
Urban Legends: Photographs show anti-war activist Cindy
Sheehan sitting in an empty tent at a book signing.
Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department
- "There's always two or three elves on defibrillator
- "Tries to snort the fake snow"
- "The suit is more orange than red and reads 'Auburn
- "Points out which kids he thinks will be gay"
HISTORY OF CHRISTMAS, including some pre-Christian
Plan Clearly Written In Crayon "
Merck Cuts 7,000 Jobs To Help Boost Anti-Depressant Sales
Jessica Simpson Thought Prenuptial Agreement Would Lead to
Prenuptial Sex ... "'Money's immaterial to Jess. All
she wanted to know was whether Ashlee would still legally
be her sister after the divorce.'"
Avril Lavigne nd Richard Gere -together at last. A
movie made for those who love everything about movies
except the fact that they don't suck hard enough.
For your next New York stay - The Hotel Pennsylvania
Two clips from Pulse
- A computer hacker creates a virus from hell which
turns out to be a virus ... um ... well, from hell,
Coming Soon now has links to a bazillion clips from King
"Daily Show: Headlines - World AIDS Day!" ... "World
AIDS Day could be Hallmark's worst idea yet."
No wonder Aeon Flux wasn't pre-screened for critics.
...Here's what people have said so far:
- Aeon Flux is a flux-up of prodigious proportions."
- "... thoroughly awful and unusually incoherent."
- "be prepared to make this response to the picture: 'whaaa?'"
William Shatner for Chrysler Canada
Christmas Story, re-enacted in 30 seconds by bunnies
"VATICAN SPOKESMAN CONFIRMS ... PEACE TALKS UNDER WAY
BETWEEN ANGELS & DEMONS! ... War between good and evil
has left Hell virtually bankrupt! "
USATODAY: Oscar preview
The latest sport to go X-Treme: Spitting
WILDER 2: THE RISE OF TAJ will not have Van Wilder in
it at all!!! (It will star that Kumar dude as the new
Nicole Richie is angling for a sitcom
"The Colbert Report: Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay" ... "If
you've had no homosexual encounters for three years or
more, you can become a priest."
"Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi talks to Jon Stewart about the
country's change in debate over Iraq."
"The Daily Show's Senior Political Analyst Ed Helms
profiles the military's unique Photo Ops unit."
"The Daily Show's Rob Corddry outlines our plan to make
Iraq an enormous superpower with a grudge against the
The trailer for The White Countess
- Set in Shanghai in the late 1930s, this is the story
of the relationship between a disillusioned former US
diplomat and a refugee White Russian countess reduced to
a sordid life in the city's bars.
Four clips and a high-def trailer from Aeon Flux
How YOU doin'?
NBC pulls 'Joey'
- Joey has been removed from the schedule, but it is
not officially canceled. Yet.
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston were pulled over by
Scottsdale police earlier this week, and Vaughn was given
a sobriety test
Australia's Peter Weir to direct Johnny Depp in 'Shantaram'
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Dirty Love (2005) is a so called comedy written by and staring Jenny McCarthy, and directed by husband John Mallory Asher. McCarthy, a poor fashion photographer, comes home to find her fashion model boyfriend humping another woman. The rest of the film is about her attempts to get even with him, and the frogs she kisses on the way to finding her prince. She gets help of dubious value from best friends Carmen Electra and Kam Heskin. The only bright spot in her life is a neighbor, played by Eddie Kaye Thomas, who drools over her.
This is gross, way over the top, and I don't know what audience it is aimed at, but it did get a couple of laughs from me. Here are some examples of cutting edge humor. She ends up slipping and falling into a pool of her own menstrual blood in a supermarket isle. A date vomits down her cleavage. She exchanges farts with her mother over the phone. A date goes into the bedroom to get ready for him. On the way, he takes a mysterious package from the fridge. She comes into the room to find a bass shoved half way up his ass.
McCarthy shows her generous breasts shortly after the vomit scene.
IMDb readers say 3.0. Ebert awarded 0 stars. Carmen Electra was a hoot, and Eddie Kaye Thomas was great, as usual. Other than that, I sat in amazement, wondering how this ever got made. It was ultra low budget, and had a disastrous 1 week theatrical release. It is not technically incompetent, given the budget, but I tend to agree with Roger Ebert on this one. D-.
"Lila dit ša"
Lila dit ša (2004) or Lila Says, a freshman effort from Ziad Doueiri (West Beyrouth), is a coming of age story set in a Muslim ghetto in Marseilles. It focuses on Chimo (Mohammed Khouas), a 19 year old. He feels trapped in his life along with his three best friends, but unlike them, has a talent -- he can write. One of his teachers is prepared to get him a scholarship to a Paris school for promising writers, if he can write a book to submit. Lila provides a subject for his book. She is 16, white, very blonde, and has been seen as aloof by Chimo's peers, as she won't give them the time of day.
Then she approaches Chimo in a park, and offers to show him her pussie. As they become acquainted, her talk is mainly sexual in nature. For his part, Chimo is terribly smitten with this nymphet (Vahina Giocante) as was I, but is not sure why she has chosen him, and is uncertain as to how to respond. Meanwhile, his single mother disapproves of this inter-racial relationship, and his peers are very jealous of the thought that she might like him. The closest they ever come to sexual contact is when she gives him a hand job while riding on her motor bike.
Chimo's friends try to break up whatever might be going on, as they would all like to bed Lila, and believe she is taking Chimo away from them. They goes as far as hiring a hooker (Barbara Chossis) for him, and accusing Lila of being a prostitute, only toying with him because "he seems exotic" to her. Lila lives with a very strange aunt, who loves staring at her pussie, but is also wildly religious. At one point, LIla even tells her aunt that the devil appeared to her and made her give him head. Then things go very wrong, and we learn the truth about Lila.
This is based on an anonymous novel from someone who only identified himself as "Chimo." It is beautifully shot, and superbly acted. From the plot summary, you would think it was full of nudity, but this was not the case. Barbara Chossis shows breasts in the prostitute scene, and the most we get from Giocante is pokies. We do see her character's pussie, and later buns, as she flashes Chimo, but both shots were brief, and pretty clearly a body double.
IMDb readers have this at 7.0. I agree. I, like Chimo, was totally captivated by Giocante's Lila, and didn't even mind the French with English sub-titles. The film is so full of messages, it is hard to cover them all, but themes include the idea that you can rise above your position in life, that popular opinions are not always correct, and sometimes your best friend's can be the worst thing in your life. It is truly coming of age, in that Chimo ends up escaping the ghetto, and gains self-reliance. This is a C+, or maybe higher.
Today a Slasher flick called "Evil Obsession". This basically has nothing going for it except...
"Babes in Bondage"!
Unless you're a huge Corey Feldman fan....then I guess it has two things going for it.
What we have is three unknowns who are topless and meet a not so good ending. Star Kimberley Stevens also goes topless, but she does get rescued.
'Caps and comments by The Gimp:
Here are some 'caps of women who hump for a living by day and pseudo-hump by night.
All of today's babes are pornstars who have done the late-night softcore cable thing....but not in these 'caps.
These are hardcore scenes from one of their "day jobs" called "Barely Legal All-Stars 3".
Pat's comments in yellow...
BOUNCING BABY BENNIFER
On Thursday, "Alias" star Jennifer Garner gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Violet...
* You can tell Ben Affleck is her father because she already sucks.
* Not surprisingly, the birth went straight to video.
* Ben vowed to always protect her from the horrors of the world, but it's inevitable that someday, she
WILL see "Gigli".
SIX FLAGS DUMPS DANCING OLD GUY
Mr. Sick - The New York Post reports that Washington Redskins owner Daniel
Snyder just took over the Six Flags amusement park chain, and his first action
is to dump Mr. Six, the creepy, wildly-dancing geezer mascot with the bald head
and big glasses. He wants to rebrand Six Flags from a hangout for teenage
thrill-seekers to a family-friendly park, and he thinks recent commercials
featuring Mr. Six luring teenage boys onto a Six Flags bus don't appeal to parents.
* Not many teenage boys were thrilled with it, either.
* Their new spokesperson: Michael Jackson.
* Apparently, one of the Six Flags they flew was the Freak Flag.
BUSH SKIPS JURY DUTY
But Then, Bush Has An Important Job - Sen. John Kerry recently did duty as a
jury foreman, but President Bush is too busy. Bush got a summons to appear
Monday for jury duty in Crawford, Texas. The White House said jury duty is an
"important civic responsibility," but the president will have to reschedule.
The local judge said, "I don't think I'll be sending out the sheriff to bring
the president in."
* Democrats were extremely disappointed to hear that.
* The sheriff is too busy bringing in all the other Republicans in
* Too bad; Bush misses Crawford after being away for...what, four days?
* Kerry says Bush dodged jury duty while he not only did his jury duty, he
won three Purple Hearts in two days!
* Kerry voted "Not Guilty" before he voted "Guilty."