Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Yesterday's Mailbox (1986)
LC happened to see yesterday's request for Callie Thorne in Rescue Me, and he
got right on it. Many thanks!
Rated 4.0 at IMDb. Grossed $80,000. I figured it must suck mightily, right? I
almost passed on it entirely when I collected the new releases from Blockbuster
this week, but I broke down and rented when I saw that it was rated R for, among
other things, nudity. Best decision I've made in a long time.
Chrystal is a story about a man who made a great mistake when he was young. He
landed in prison when his own criminal activity caused a car accident that killed his
son and left his wife partly paralyzed. Returning to his Ozark home as a
middle-aged man, he does his best to attain redemption, failing and succeeding
in equal measure.
Let me cut to the chase on this one and say that it is a helluva movie. Set
among the improverished rurals of Arkansas, it manages to portray their lives
with humanity and compassion, yet without condescension. Unlike most Hollywood
movies, it manages to tell a central story that is heartbreaking without being
phony or syrupy, and without resorting to obviously manipulative musical cues.
The background stories are sometimes more interesting than the main plot, and
can be very funny, because the unaffected characters react to events in natural
ways. Here's an example. When a women tells her daughter solemnly that the
family patriarch, apparently succumbing to senile dementia, was caught stealing
a dress from a clothesline and wearing it, the daughter thinks a second, furrows
her forehead in concern, and asks, "how'd he look?" Mother and daughter
erupt in tension-relieving laughter. There is humor, but the writing can also be
delicate and poetic, yet is also gritty and realistic when required, following
the tradition of the best Southern gothic writers. Hell, this is the screenplay
Faulkner should have written when he was jerking off in Hollywood.
Ray McKinnon, the writer and director of this film, is a character actor in his
forties who had never before directed a feature film. Hadn't written one either.
I have a feeling that he'll get to make a few more movies before his career is
over, because he didn't make many missteps in this film. His direction is a good
as his writing. It's impossible to believe that he's a rookie. I paid attention
to his storyboarding, what he was doing with camera movement, when he was
choosing to change the focal point of a scene, how he backed up the story with
the musical soundtrack, when he chose silence over music, his control of the
cinematography, his use of the local culture for background, and so forth. By
God, I don't know if Atom Egoyan could have done it much better. McKinnon
may have made a couple of rookie mistakes here and there, but I'll just tell you
right now that this sumbitch has it. He just flat-out has it.
Of course, it didn't hurt his story about Arkansas that he happens to be married
to a good actress from Arkansas (Lisa Blount), and it surely didn't hurt his
redneck drama that his lead actor is the king of all the redneck actors, Billy
Bob Thornton. (Kudos to Billy Bob for doing this. It must have been a labor of
love because he couldn't have drawn much of a paycheck, and he turned in a
helluva good serious performance.) And it didn't hurt at all that McKinnon was
able to play the antagonist himself, because he's a damned good character actor.
Oh, I know you don't know his name, but you'd recognize him. Most recently, you
may have seen his tall, thin frame wandering through the streets of Deadwood,
playing the naive and slightly dotty preacher in season one of that series.
If I could somehow do a search of IMDb to determine the single most underrated
movie, this would have to be it. For some reason incomprehensible to me, it is
rated a pathetic 4.0, despite the fact that most of the commenters liked it even
more than I did, and the actual median score is eight, with a third of the
voters giving it a ten! I don't really understand how IMDb arrived at a 4.0, but
the true score should probably be somewhere around 7.5.
Of course, it is a quiet, slow, literary, heartbreaking, and almost arty redneck
film, so the potential audience is not large at all. Despite all the encomiums
from commenters and some critics, almost nobody could be persuaded to pluck down
any dollars to see it. It never made it onto more than 11 screens in the entire
USA, and it didn't even do well in those few theaters, finally grossing only
Happy Gilmore (1996)
|Lisa Blount. The irony: I only rented the film because of
nudity, and there wasn't much, just a few frames. This happened so fast you
might not realize what you had seen it if you weren't paying strict
attention. (Although it was a very cool, very dramatic scene.)
I can't say that I'm much of an Adam Sandler
fan, but I have to be honest and say this is a funny movie, despite Sandler's
often irritating mannerisms like the baby voice. Sandler plays a guy whose dream
is to play professional ice hockey, a dream which seems unattainable since he
can't skate very well, can't handle the puck, and has no control over his
emotions. He does have the most powerful shot in the game, but even that has
limited value since it is just as likely to kill a spectator as to land in the
Through the usual bizarre concatenation of circumstances, Sandler
accidentally discovers that he has a natural talent for golf. When he aces a
very long par four in his first round, his mentor thinks he can be molded into a
top pro in a few months, because his earth-shattering power is enough to
overcome many of his physical and emotional liabilities. As the plot
contrivances would have it, Sandler needs money right away to salvage his
childhood home from an IRS auction, so he rejects his coach's sound advice and
opts to play tournaments without any preparation.
This isn't supposed to be an exercise in gritty realism. The pro tour
pictured here bears no resemblance to the real PGA, and the entire plot seems to
take place in Bizarro World. The alleged "tour" is just a gimmick to stage a
mano-a-mano "slobs versus snobs" showdown between Sandler and the snooty,
artificial tour kingpin, who resembles Snidely Whiplash more than a real pro
golfer. Sandler, of course, plays an irresponsible slob who wears hockey
jerseys, curses more than Cartman, gets into hockey-style fights with other
golfers, throws tantrums on national TV, and gets into a fistfight with Bob
Barker in a celebrity pro-am. (Barker is hilarious in a VERY funny scene in
which he ends up kicking Sandler's ass.)
Predictably, Sandler becomes a working class hero whose galleries look like
the checkout line at K-Mart, and just as predictably, he eventually manages to
save the house his grandpa had built brick-by-brick. The unrealistic and
formulaic elements do not really detract from one's enjoyment of the film. It's
a cute underdog story. The jokes are good. The characters and situations are
Ray McKinnon is not the only character actor who became a director. Happy
Gilmore was directed by Dennis Dugan, who once had 15 minutes of acting fame in
his own series as "Richie Brockelman, Private Eye", and who once reached a
majestic height on TV Olympus as Captain Freedom, possibly the most memorable
and beloved guest star role in the history of Hill Street Blues. Since Gilmore,
he has directed Big Daddy, again starring Sandler, and a pretty funny film
called Saving Silverman, which stars Jack Black.
If you're a Happy Gilmore fan, you'll perk up when you read that the special
edition DVD has twenty minutes of deleted footage. Unfortunately, the footage is
not that good and is mostly unfunny stuff, either about granny's nursing home or a discarded sub-plot revolving around Sandler's homeless caddy,
whose part seems to have been very large at one point, but was whittled down
significantly for the theatrical release. There are also a few minutes of
outtakes, but they are nothing extraordinary.
|No nudity, but some sexy lingerie action from Julie Bowen
Nip/Tuck, Season Two
You can avoid this cable series. It is a soap opera. The only differences
between the typical plots for an episode of this show and an episode of General
Hospital are (1) this show runs an hour instead of a half hour, and (2) Nip/Tuck
has bigger stars and a bigger budget.
Since we all know that soap operas are not designed to appeal to heterosexual
males, you'll find very little nudity of interest here. Those people not in our
demographic may get some jollies from the frequent shots of Dr. Doom's ass, but
the female nudity is all "cheats." The sex scenes obscure all female naughty
bits. Sometimes the women wear bras in bed. At other times the sheets are pulled
up to the woman's chin. Still other carnal occasions are shot from above - with
the man on top. There is not one breast in focus in season two of this series -
which is amazing since it is about doctors who specialize in boob jobs. There
are a couple of fleeting butts, one of which is completely anonymous! I watched
16 hours of this crap, and this was it.
Where the Truth Lies (2005)
The two trailers for this Atom Egoyan film both contain nudity. Here they are
The Crimson Ghost
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we have a look at three movies.
First up, "The Human Stain" staring Nicole Kidman. Rare for me but
this is a good movie.
Kidman looks very sexy as usual and gives us some fleeting
glimpses of flesh as she carries on her affair with an older man
Jacinda Barrett does a strip for her boyfriend
which ends up as a full frontal scene in "The Human Stain"
Next is "Mail Order Bride" which features Ivana
Milicevic - no real skin but a very sexy woman.
Some random unknown topless scenes in "Mail Order Bride"
We wrap it up with ultra cute Heather Graham in
"Committed" some nice cleavage on her wedding day.
Here come the next three clips from "Mes
nuits sont plus belles que vos jours" (1989). I haven't seen the
entire movie but judging by these clips it doesn't seem to make
much more sense than "Il diavolo in corpo" which you reviewed
yesterday. Hopefully you can contradict me on this one once you
have reviewed the copy you ordered. In the meantime we can enjoy
Sophie Marceau, who says in clip 6 that she needs a lot of
love (ho bisogno di tanto d'amore).
Of course the correct hint from Amazon
should have been "Customers who bought this DVD also subscribed to
Uncle Scoopy's Fun House", but we all know those computer
generated messages aren't always the most accurate ones.
Here are clips 5-7 out of ten. (5,
|Camille Guaty in the pilot for Prison Break
|Asia Argento in Last Days, Gus Van Sant's as-yet-unreleased film about
a character very much like Kurt Cobain
|I have never heard of La Gifle, but it appears to have been the first
screen nudity for the popular beauty Isabelle Adjani
|D'oh! I screwed up this link yesterday. Sadie Frost, tits out as
Here are the latest movie reviews
available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Weather dude loses his cool when interrupted by the perky anchor
Dr Phil's new daughter-in-law is a Playmate, one of the Dahm
triplets. (center of picture)
Lock your doors tonight, and make sure you know where your
kids are, especially if you live in Westchester County, because
that hardened criminal
Martha Stewart is free and on the prowl.
South Park cleans up for syndication.
A few episodes will
not make the cut for two reasons: (1) because the necessary
trimming made them unacceptable to Matt and Trey; (2) because a
two minute program with 28 minutes of commercials is not
A paparazzo catches Paris Hilton wearing a bikini and feeding
AOL Music: Full CD Listening Party -- hear the new album from
Bob Dylan free
"Jim Carrey is in early talks to team with Ben Stiller
play obsolete pleasure clones in Used Guys a comedy to be
directed by Jay Roach (Meet the Fockers) for 20th Century Fox.
Variety reports that the plan is to shoot next spring."
The trailer from "The Ice Harvest".
Here's the publicity release:
- "The Ice Harvest" is a wickedly funny thriller about thick
thieves and thin ice. It's Christmas Eve in rainy, icebound
Wichita, Kansas, and this year Charlie Arglist (John Cusack)
just might have something to celebrate. Charlie, an attorney
for the sleazy businesses of Wichita, and his unsavory
associate, the steely Vic Cavenaugh (Billy Bob Thornton), have
just successfully embezzled $2,147,000 from Kansas City boss
Bill Guerrard (Randy Quaid). Even so, the real prize for
Charlie would be the stunning Renata (Connie Nielsen), who
runs the Sweet Cage strip club. Charlie's fondest Christmas
wish is to slip out of town with Renata. But, as daylight
fades and a storm whirls, everyone from Charlie's drinking
buddy Pete Van Heuten (Oliver Platt) to the local police begin
to wonder just what exactly is in Charlie's Christmas
stocking. For Charlie, the 12 hours of Christmas Eve are
filled with nonstop twists and turns, both on the ice and off.
Weekly World News:
"STRIP CLUBS SPRAY AIR WITH SEX DRUG TO MAKE MEN SPEND MORE
Cults - A Handy Reference Guide
(Satire from Landover
An ostrich on the Golden Gate Bridge
there is Treatment and Hope for victims of Cypridophobia.
- Although it beats the shit out of me why you would want to
be cured of "fear of prostitutes." This is one fear that might
help extend your life-expectancy.
- D'oh - now I get it. It took a while for this to sink into
my thick skull. If I wanted to run a legal prostitution
business, I would bill the women as therapists helping men to
cure their "fear of prostitutes." That's actually a pretty
1950s comic book ads, internet style ...
X-ray goggles and video camera
More crazy technologies either deployed or developed by Hitler's
According to Inside TV magazine, Gabe Kotter is TV's most
The matriarch of all TV teachers, Our
Miss Brooks, was not even nominated. Kotter was OK but, for the
record, I would have preferred either Mr Pomfritt from Dobie
Gillis, or the John Houseman character from The Paper Chase.
Life imitates art.
Is Keanu Reeves dating Diane Keaton? I may be guilty of
selective memory, but I don't remember Keanu ever having been
romantically linked with anyone famous before this.
Letterman reveals the "Top Ten Things I Have Learned in 12 Years
at the Late Show."
The Animals sing House of the Rising Sun on Ed Sullivan
Bush Takes Vacation From Stressful Vacation, Relocates To Tree
The first eight minutes of Green Street Hooligans
Elijah Wood film about soccer fanaticism.
Two clips from Nic Cage's new film, Lord of War
, in which
Cage is an international arms dealer whose weapons are
represented in 8 of the top 10 war zones. Problems begin when he
realizes Interpol is on his tail, and he develops a conscience.
Here's the trailer for Charlize Theron's new movie, North
Pat Reeder (comedy-wire.com)
Pat's comments in yellow:
RONCO SELLS FOR $55 MILLION
Ron Popeil, the man who gave the world such infomercial products as the
Veg-O-Matic and the Pocket Fisherman, has struck a deal to sell his company,
Ronco, for $55 million. He will continue to do the infomercials and create new
products. In his patented style, Popeil said the sale is in two easy payments,
"$40 million now and $15 million later," and added, "But wait, there's more!
This means I have the time to invent more products!"
* I once invented something I called the Pocket
Fisherman, but it was basically just a pants pocket with a big hole in it.
AIRLINER HELD TOGETHER WITH TAPE
Some German vacationers returning from Turkey started screaming when the pieces
of the interior of their Turkish Onur Air jet began falling on their heads.
They started trying to hold it together with adhesive tape. Passenger Gunnar
Storch told the Bild newspaper that they saw the exposed wiring, which "wasn't a
very reassuring sight," and a flight attendant ran to tell the pilot, but he
"wasn't in the least bit interested." After the plane landed in Leipzig, Storch
said he tried to report it at the airport, but "no one was interested."
* They already knew you could fix anything with duct
* They told him not to bother them unless the tape on the exterior of the plane
* Turkey's idea of an international airline is a German plane held together
with Scotch tape.
MAYOR CRITICIZED OVER S&M FESTIVAL
Klaus Wowereit, the openly-gay mayor of Berlin, Germany, is under fire for
giving an official welcome to a sado-masochism festival that draws thousands of
leather-clad tourists. He said the S&M weekend "stands for the pure zest of
life." Conservatives and even some members of his own party called it tasteless
and inappropriate, but Wowereit dismissed them as "narrow-minded," saying the
S&M festival will be good international advertising for Berlin.
* So when you think of torture, cruelty and domination, think of Berlin!
* He added, "Let the critics flog me! I ENJOY it!!"
* I think if I want to be spat on, belittled and humiliated, I'd rather go to
NAKED INTERNET CHATTING UNDERMINING CHINA
Shanghai Daily reports that China Youth Association researcher Liu Gang warned
of a new danger to public health and morality: naked Internet chats. He said
they thought at first this was "merely a game for a few mentally abnormal
people," but their research found that up to 20,000 Chinese are logging into
chatrooms, taking off their clothes and striking "provocative poses" for each
other over their webcams. The paper said authorities worry that "baring one's
body to strangers will have negative consequences" on young people's personal
* That's not true: the guys will even let you WATCH
* Sounds like it's made them a lot less shy.
* Among the most-requested poses are "Steamed Buns," "The Pu-Pu Platter" and
"Choking General Tso's Chicken."
* They already have over a billion people; if they prefer virtual sex, don't
$934,000 FOR HOUSE FIVE FEET WIDE
Real estate in London is so expensive, a house is on the market for $933,868,
and its width ranges from about 5 feet to less than 10 feet. The five-story
"skinny house" is a former hat shop wedged between two larger buildings. It has
a kitchen, dining room, reception room, shower room, dressing room, three
bedrooms, and a patio, small garden and roof terrace. But it's so narrow, the
normal-size tub takes up the entire bathroom.
* The kitchen is so narrow, the only thing you can cook
in it is hot dogs, aligned east-to-west.
* It's so skinny, when it was a hat shop, they couldn't sell wide-brimmed
hats...If you bought a baseball cap, you couldn't wear it sideways until you
* Some supermodel will probably buy it.
FEMINISTS PROTEST ANIMAL RIGHTS ADVOCATES
Animal rights advocates in Mexico are running an ad campaign featuring sexy
Argentine model Dorismar in a string bikini, discouraging the practice of eating
endangered sea turtle eggs to boost virility. It was banned in 1990, but the
eggs are still poached because men believe they're an aphrodisiac. On the
poster, Dorismar says, "My man doesn't need turtle eggs because he knows they
don't make him more potent." But the ad is under fire by other activists:
feminists say the posters promote sexual stereotypes more than saving wildlife.
* They suggest using a photo of Hillary Clinton...Men who see that won't want
to have sex at all.
* Unfortunately, most men's wives look more like the feminists than like
Dorismar, which is why they do need the turtle eggs.
* Turtle eggs don't make men more virile, but they do help them slow down a
DOCTOR PUNCHES PATIENT DURING SURGERY
Kyodo News of Japan reports that a doctor at the national Shiga Hospital was
operating on a patient under local anesthesia when the man began wiggling and
yelling, "Please stop the operation!" The annoyed doctor punched him in the
forehead and said, "Stay still! Shut up!" The operation was halted, and the
hospital apologized. The operation was later performed by another doctor, after
the patient's forehead healed.
* It was stitched up by a third doctor, who broke the patient's nose for
* It's true: Moe Howard is alive and performing surgery in Japan!
* The doctor said he just decided general anesthesia would be better.
* Sounds like the doctor should've punched the anesthesiologist.
ROBBER BLAMES TV CRIME SHOW ADDICTION
Dalvindar Singh, 29, was an exchange student from Singapore studying in
Australia when he robbed a convenience store. Singh wrapped himself in a black
plastic bag, brandished a drill bit, and told clerks he had a gun and would
"blow them away." He got away with $320. His excuse was equally bizarre: his
lawyer blamed his homesickness for leading him to drink, take drugs and watch
too many TV crime shows. A judge noted his clean record and remorse, and said
Singh's fascination with crime shows probably contributed, but still gave him
three years in jail.
* Hey, as long as it's a jail with a TV...
* If he watches crime shows, he should've known that's how they all end.
* This sounds more like he was obsessed with watching "Jackass."
PAM SAYS COFFEE PERKS UP NIPPLES
In an Elle magazine interview, Pamela Anderson urged women to grow old
gracefully, saying, "Don't buy into all the anti-aging secrets. It's a
conspiracy. We're all getting older so accept it. Don't waste your money on
loads of products. Don't stress!" But Pam did offer one beauty secret:
espresso. She said "it goes right to the nipples" and makes them perky.
* It keeps them up all night!
* If you want perky nipples, don't buy an espresso machine, buy a percolator.
* If that doesn't work, try iced coffee, applied directly.
ZOMBIES PROTEST "AMERICAN IDOL"
Fifteen people dressed as zombies showed up at the "American Idol" auditions at
the University of Texas at Austin to chant, "Television rots your braaaaaaaains!"
The organizer said he wanted to raise awareness of the "brain-melting nature" of
TV by "terrorizing throngs of vapid pop star hopefuls." But the "Idol"
producers had heard of the stunt in advance and were waiting to film them. They
asked the zombies to sign a release so they could put them on TV. They signed
* What can they say? They're brain-dead zombies.
* Now they've got a record contract...They're cutting cover versions of old
songs by the Zombies.
* Simon Cowell would love zombies on "American Idol": they have no minds of
their own, and they get thinner ever day.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email
address is email@example.com
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