"Best Friends"

Best Friends (1982) is a Norman Jewison romantic comedy staring Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds. The pair are lovers and work together as screenwriters. They have decided to move into a house, and Reynolds pressures her into marrying him. Their honeymoon trip to meet her parents in Buffalo and his in Virginia nearly finishes off the relationship.

The film plays out more like a stage play than a film, and while I found a few scenes laugh out loud funny, most of it was rather dull and predictable. I enjoyed it, of course, as I always love watching Goldie work, and Reynolds is also good in the right types of roles. Between a bath and two shower scenes, Goldie manages to expose her breasts in the full screen VHS version, but most of that is missing from this widescreen release. I have touched up my old VHS images for comparison. This explains why the film got a PG in 1982. The transfer is nicely done, but there are no special features. This is a C-, mostly of interest to Burt and/or Goldie Fans.

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  • Goldie Hawn (DVD) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Goldie Hawn (VHS) (1, 2, 3)

    "The Postman"

    The Postman (1997) images needed to be redone now that software and hardware has advanced far beyond what i used 4 years ago. I have to admit that I cut right to the nude scene in this epic stinker. The first time I watched it was with very low expectations, having heard that it was awful. I found it not quite as bad as I had heard. This time, virtually every scene except the nude scene with Olivia WIlliams was sheer torture.

    Williams shows breasts, and a flash of buns and a hint of bush having sex with Costner because her husband had "the bad mumps" and they wanted a child. I didn't do the research, but I am guessing that five Razzies and a nomination for a sixth is close to a single movie record. IMDb readers say 5.2 of 10. With a budget of $80M and a total box office of $17.6, it was a flop of major proportions. 177 minutes of bad script is too much to ask an audience to endure. D+

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  • Olivia Williams (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)


    Consequence (2003) is a straight to vid thriller with Armand Assante as a disgraced oral surgeon who swaps teeth with his dead brother and has plastic surgery to look like the brother, then fakes his death in a plain crash. The idea is to collect $3M in insurance, and live happily ever after with the woman at the bank who is in on it. Couple of problems. The woman from the bank takes off with the money and his live in girlfriend (Nadia Kretchmer), and his brother turns out to be a CIA deep cover agent with half the world after him. Things finally work out in the end when the dead brother comes back from the dead to save Assante, but greed kills the women.

    IMDB readers have this at 6.8 of 10. Kretchmer shows breasts briefly, but nothing in a lesbian shower scene with Lola Glaudini. I am still not sure about a lot of the plot, but don't care enough to try and figure it out. IT was evidently a German production, shot in Africa for the US Cable market. Election return reruns would make for better viewing. D.

  • Nadia Kretschmer

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Consequence (2003):

    Consequence is an unbelievably convoluted mystery/thriller from HBO pictures.

    Armand Assante plays the part of a disgraced oral surgeon who concocts an elaborate plot to start a new life. His long-missing brother and some dental records provide the starting point. Armand reconfigures a corpse to have his brother's dentition. Then he swaps his dental records and his brother's. Bingo, he is now his own presumed-dead brother and the corpse is him. He then causes the corpse to be fried up unrecognizably in an accident, thus establishing his own death. His girlfriend is the beneficiary of his substantial insurance policies. Then he gets some plastic surgery and re-emerges as his long-missing brother.

    Sounds good in theory. These complicated movie plots always do, don't they? Of course, our conniving dentist immediately encounters two major problems:

    1) While he was getting and recovering from his plastic surgery, his girlfriend decided that there was no reason to share the loot.

    2) His long-missing brother was not the altruistic Peace Corps volunteer that everyone thought he was. He was CIA. More important that that, he was rogue CIA, and expropriated something like a quarter of a billion dollars of the Agency's money. Obviously, there was a damned good reason why he went missing in the first place. When he "shows up" again, the entire CIA wants him, everyone ranging from the honest guys to his former partners in the money scam. Oops, I guess the dentist picked the wrong identity to assume.

    Hoo-boy is this plot complicated! What I wrote so far may seem fairly complex, but that doesn't even scratch the surface of this plot. In fact, that was only the set-up, and was all revealed in the first half hour. There are so many crosses and double-crosses, and so many competing factions that I'm not even sure I knew who everyone was or why they did what they did. Assante himself got into more perils than Pauline, always to be rescued from his personal gallows at the last minute by one improbable deus ex machina or another, yet unable even to trust the people who just rescued him from the prior group.

    At last, all of the various plot twists led up to one enormous final plot twist which was supposed to be a real shocker. Unfortunately, I had concluded after about ten minutes that the big surprise was the only possible inevitable conclusion. 

    Whether you see it all coming or not, this twisty grade-B thriller is kind of fun in an operatic way, and director Paul Hickox showed true genius at getting a lot of mileage out of a low budget. There is a, entertaining and highly original car chase, and there are several moments filled with appreciable (if synthetic) tension.

    On the other hand, the film could have benefited from fewer plot twists, less grisly violence, and more characterization. It's really a genre film for genre buffs only, just for the people who can never get enough complications, and love lurid, over-the-top material.




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    1. It's Emily Mortimer day in the Shiloh corner. She's thin, but she has some gorgeous breasts. Here she is in The Sleeping Dictionary (.avi version, .wmv version)

    2. And here is Mortimer showing a lot more than just her breasts, as she strips for inspection in Lovely and Amazing. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Shameless Plug O' the Day
    Regular readers probably recognize the name Pat Reeder as the guy from The Comedy Wire section of the Fun House. In real life...he's also the guy who writes the jokes that your DJ tells every morning during your drive to work.

    As we've mentioned in the past, back in the day Pat partnered up with another radio man, George Gimarc, and wrote a very funny book called "Hollywood Hi-Fi". For those who have forgotten our previous praise and ramblings..."Hollywood Hi-Fi" a tribute to all the worst albums every recorded by so-called celebrity singers like Bill Shatner and Crispin Glover. The book has been out of print for several years and is hard to find, but for fans of actors trying to be singers, we have good news....

    George Gimarc has as come into a stash of "Hollywood Hi-Fi", direct from the publisher's warehouse! These are NEW, autographed copies that you can pick up for online for $10 (over 30% off the the original price of $14.95!).

    Click here to check out excerpts from the book, as well as all the info you need to pick up your own copy!

    Claire Forlani
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    A new Vejiita comic featuring one of my long time favorites baring breasts and bum in scenes from her first movie "Gypsy Eyes" (1992).

    Jenny McShane
    (1, 2, 3)

    Rosi Chernogorova
    (1, 2, 3)

    Next up, 'caps from the straight-to-vid movie, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" (2002). Both ladies look great topless, and Chernogorova also shows off her bum.

    Sienna Guillory
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    Johnny Moronic 'caps of the UK babe starring as Helen in the 2003 mini-series "Helen of Troy". Guillory had an extended rear nude scene (as seen in links 4,5 and 6), plus another bare bum scene (link #11), plus near toplessness (link #3) and showed assorted pokies and see-thrus throughout the movie.

    Tara Reid
    (1, 2)

    Excellent collages by DeadLamb of Reid showing off abs and undies in two scenes from the Ashton Kutcher movie "My Boss's Daughter" (2003).

    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Assorted breasts, bums and bush on display as Marvin continues his coverage of the 1992 Tinto Brass movie "Cosė fan tutte" aka "All Women Do It".

    Sheryl Lee
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

    Señor Skin takes another look at the 1992 David Lynch movie "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me". Today we have a bunch of 'caps of Sheryl Lee topless.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    But They ALWAYS Find Out - Psychologists at Florida University have identified 91 ways that people keep an affair secret from their partner. The most effective ways for a cheating man to fool his wife are to pretend to have greater interest in her, and to talk about spending more "quality time" with her and about their future together as a family. Women most commonly fool their partners by not changing their daily routine, clothes or beauty regimen; becoming unusually attentive; wearing their wedding rings more often; and suddenly giving their partners more sex.

  • Wow! Having an affair must be GREAT for a marriage!
  • As long as husbands start getting a lot more sex, they probably won't even care if their wives are having an affair.
  • The 91st and worst way to keep an affair secret: "Ask Linda Tripp not to talk."
  • But if a husband starts dieting, his wife will immediately know he's cheating.

    He Knew It Wouldn't Be Long - Californian Jeffery Horton got an e-mail advertising VigRx, an herbal penis-enlarging product. He paid $160 for it and says it had "no effect whatsoever," so he's launched a lawsuit against 35 companies that sell and distribute the product. Horton's lawyer said, "I was wondering for a long time why no one has gotten around to suing these penis-enlargement guys, because it seems like a pretty blatant...fraud."

  • They're afraid to: they don't have big balls, either.
  • You'd think they'd be tired of feeling shortchanged.
  • Hey, would somebody send me 20,000 e-mails a day about something that wasn't true?

    Now They're Encouraging Kids To Stay Up All Night! - In the latest fallout from Janet Jackson's Super Bowl flash, MTV announced that it will move six racy videos, including Britney Spears' "Toxic," to late-night rotation only. A spokeswoman said it's not censorship, but that MTV continually monitors the cultural environment and they're just reacting to the "particular sensitivity" in the culture right now.

  • So it'll only be for a week or two.
  • Nobody is more sensitive to the moral concerns of parents than MTV.
  • But America has come to rely on MTV to show our kids toxic videos day and night!