"Take Me Naked"

Take Me Naked (1996) is a film by Michael and Roberta Findlay, starring Roberta under the name Anna Riva. I have no idea what to call it other than a skin flick.

Complete Spoilers

The film opens with a derelict, just to set the mood. Cut to another derelict and drunk, who watches the woman across from him and recites bad poetry in voice over. He watches her undress, masturbate, then shower. Then she starts reciting bad poetry while we try to watch her through a lens covered with petroleum jelly having a lesbian encounter. Very few body parts were discernable during this half of the film. Then the man stabs a friend to death, and heads over to her apartment, fanaticizing that he is bringing her flowers. He is actually attacking her, and stabs her to death.

End Spoilers

Roberta stars in this film, which is not characteristic of their films. She usually does the photography. She shows breasts and buns. It is labeled horror at IMDb, and there are not enough votes for a score. This is one half of a Something Weird Video release, and is painful to watch and listen to. The video quality is poor to terrible, the camera work is mostly shaky cam and the petroleum jelly diffusion filter trick is way overdone. The audio is awful, and there really is no plot. This is a D- at best. I can't imagine any plausible excuse for watching this film.

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  • Anna Riva (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    The Hunger (1983)

    Tony Scott is Ridley's younger brother. Although Ridley has won the lion's share of the post-season hardware, and has directed some of the most memorable films of the past few decades, Tony is actually the more stylish and practiced director.

    Are you surprised that I said that? It is, like any opinion, debatable, but I feel quite confident that it is correct. Do I think Tony is a better director? Hell, no. Films speak for themselves.


    Tony Scott Ridley Scott
    1. (7.70) - True Romance (1993)
    2. (7.10) - Crimson Tide (1995)
    3. (7.09) - Man on Fire (2004)
    4. (7.00) - Spy Game (2001)
    5. (7.00) - Enemy of the State (1998)
    6. (6.86) - Hire: Beat the Devil, The (2002)
    7. (6.50) - Top Gun (1986)
    8. (6.40) - Last Boy Scout, The (1991)
    9. (6.11) - Hunger, The (1983)
    10. (5.70) - Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
    11. (5.41) - Fan, The (1996)
    12. (5.41) - Days of Thunder (1990)
    13. (5.14) - Revenge (1990)


    1. (8.30) - Alien (1979)
    2. (8.20) - Blade Runner (1982)
    3. (8.00) - Gladiator (2000) *
    4. (7.60) - Black Hawk Down (2001) *
    5. (7.40) - Matchstick Men (2003)
    6. (7.28) - Duellists, The (1977)
    7. (7.20) - Thelma & Louise (1991)  *
    8. (6.41) - White Squall (1996)
    9. (6.21) - Black Rain (1989)
    10. (6.20) - Hannibal (2001)
    11. (6.12) - Someone to Watch Over Me (1987)
    12. (6.02) - Boy on a Bicycle (1965)
    13. (6.01) - Legend (1985)
    14. (5.91) - 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992)
    15. (5.51) - G.I. Jane (1997)
    Oscar nominations: 0 Oscar nominations: 3


    Ridley's list is obviously more impressive. He has been nominated three times for the best director statuette (the three films with asterisks), and those aren't even his best films! Ridley's list can be broadly summarized as a roster of good to great movies.

    Tony's list is a roster of stylish movies without much content, but stylish they are, marked by chiaroscuro lighting, meticulous storyboarding, beautiful cinematography, artistic genius ... all within often unwatchable movies. The Hunger fits neatly into that description.

    It is a vampire story about an immortal Egyptian princess who lives off her slaves by feeding off their blood. The process grants them immortality, but makes them entirely dependent on her for youthfulness. When she tires of them, she places them in vaults where they continue to live and eventually to age into advanced decrepitude, but cannot die.

    I guess the plot description makes it sound something like a horror film, but it really isn't. The Hunger is an art film placed within the shell of a horror plot. The set design and lighting effects are stylish and consistent. The entire film seems murky and dark, and is presented entirely in muted blue-green hues, so muted that the blue-green is nearly grey, and the entire effect is similar to a black and white film. There is very little dialogue, with some scenes seeming to drag on forever without any words. Scene after gloomy scene is punctuated with odd facial close-ups and somber classical music.

    In fact, The Hunger was such a completely gloomy and artsy-fartsy film that it almost stopped Tony's career before it began. In the early 80s, Hollywood brought in more and more of the British directors (Ridley Scott, Adrien Lyne, Alan Parker) who had become the masters of their own universe - the UK's brilliant and highly stylized advertising films. Tony was the next in line, and had been tentatively selected to direct 1984's Starman. When the suits at Columbia saw that The Hunger was basically a Greenwich Village arthouse film with less-than-zero commercial appeal, they dropped Tony off the short list for Starman and handed the project to John Carpenter.

    For lovers of celebrity nudity and film erotica, the film does have a sex scene between possibly the two most famous women ever to do a lesbian scene together: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon. This scene is characteristically artistic and inexplicit, but it does feature some clear toplessness from Sarandon.

    So the film has that goin' for it.

    Apart from that scene, it can be a movie to admire, but a very difficult one to like. I predict you will have the following reaction when you watch The Hunger: "Wow, he's really a talented director, and he really put a lot of thought and work into that. But I hated the sumbitch."


    Other Crap:


    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.



    Flesh and Blood

    Tuna and I kinda liked this crazy medieval anti-romance. It is a Paul Verhoeven film. In general , Verhoeven's films fitr neatly into two categories: Dutch films mad eon the cheap in Europe, and American blockbusters (or would-be blockbusters). This was the one film in his career which came in between those two periods, and fits into neither. The link includes a lengthy review. Tuna and I summarized it as follows:

    "Over-the-top sex and violence in a mythical medieval world, performed and directed well. What more do you need? Requires a strong stomach and a strong tolerance for gore and gross-outs, so not a mainstream film, but very entertaining if the sensationalism doesn't bother you."

    Today, Jennifer Jason-Leigh. (Tomorrow, the others) . JJL gave it all up from every angle in many different scenes.


    (not from Shiloh)

    • Here is #2 of the HQ vids of gorgeous Gretchen Mol in Forever Mine. In this one, she sits up in bed, and her breasts are displayed in beautiful lighting. (.wmv zipped)





    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    • Uma Thurman, brief but nice breast exposure in scenes from the Robert De Niro/Bill Murry movie, "Mad Dog and Glory" (1993).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Today from the Ghost...another batch of assorted Heffers shedding their clothes on screen. Zipped .wmvs as always.

    • Carrie Westcott (September '93). The blonde centerfold takes off her top in a scene from "Lover's Leap" (1995).

    • Daphne Duplaix (July '97). A brief topless scene from the Abel Ferrara movie, "The Blackout" (1997)

    • Erika Eleniak (July 1989). The former "Baywatch" babe shows brief nipple views and some partial breast views in a love scene from "The Opponent" (2000).

    • Kim Evenson (September '84). Opening up her graduation gown and showing off some excellent toplessness in a scene from "Porky's Revenge" (1985).

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    "The Last Great Wilderness"
    A man agrees to give a hitchhiker a ride to the Scottish town of Skye in this 2002 British drama.

    When the car breaks down they find themselves stranded at a rustic resort in the woods. The people there are all recovering from different additions, and are, to say the least, very strange. The more were learn of them, the weirder things get.

    Things begin to climax when the hitchhiker's past catches up to him in the form of two contract killers who show up to fulfill their contract. A strange and interesting film.

    Katie Holmes
    (1, 2)

    No nudity, but Katie was looking good last week on Conan when she was pimping her lastest movie "First Daughter".

    Phoebe Cates
    (1, 2)

    Here she is in one of the most famous nude scenes of the past 25 years....Twitchy 'caps from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (1982).

    Rachel Blakely
    (1, 2, 3)

    The Aussie actress stripping down to black undies (#1) and going topless (links 2-3). Watty 'caps of the former model in scenes from "One Way Ticket" (1997).

    Caroline Ducey Dragonscan 'caps of the French actress topless in scenes from the sexually explicit film "Romance" aka "Romance X".

    Maryam d'Abo
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    Flautista 'caps of the former Bond Babe going topless in a love scene from "The Point Men", starring Christopher Lambert.

    I have not seen this, but there is something unusual about this flick. On paper it looks like just another direct-to-vid Lambert flick. But here's the was directed by John Glen...the guy who has directed 5 James Bond movies! ("For Your Eyes Only" (1981), "Octopussy" (1983), "A View to a Kill" (1985), "The Living Daylights" (1987) and "Licence to Kill" (1989).)

    Of course since his last Bond film, he has also directed the box office dud "Christopher Columbus: The Discovery" (1992) and the made-for-reasons-unknown-direct-to-vid flick "Aces: Iron Eagle III" (1992).

    Laura Linney
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 11, 12)
    Sheila Zane
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

    Señor Skin 'caps of both actresses posing as nude models. Linney goes full frontal and Zane bares all 3 B's.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    He Can't Drum, Either - Christmas will be a lot merrier this year: "American Idol" reject William "She Bangs" Hung is releasing a Christmas album. His first CD of tonedeaf tunes has sold over 200,000 copies, and now, "Hung For The Holidays" will hit stores on October 19. It includes classics such as "Deck The Halls" and "Little Drummer Boy," Hung's personal thoughts on the holidays, and a fold-out ornament.

  • And a free pair of ear plugs.
  • The first single is "I'll Be Hung For Christmas"...And I bet he will.
  • It's worth it just to hear him try to pronounce "Fa-la-la-la-la."
  • "Deck the Halls?" I'd rather deck the singer!

    Hot Pants - Leroy Brown, 19, was detained for arson in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Police detectives say he suspected his wife had been with another man, so he set fire to the pants he thought she was wearing at the time of the affair. The burning pants singed his fingers, so he dropped them and accidentally burned down their mobile home.

  • Proving that bad, bad Leroy Brown is the dumbest man in the whole damn town.
  • Now, let's see: WHY would she ever want to be with another man?...
  • He accused of her being a liar, so he had to set her pants on fire.
  • He was arrested because it's against the law to be this much of a cliche.