"White Slave Virgins"

White Slave Virgins (2003 video) is another Lloyd Smandl Czechsploitation masterpiece available from the UK and Region 2 DVD. This one doesn't take place in the same old warehouse, doesn't have slave girls carrying rocks on their hand and knees, and stars a recognizable name, Rena Riffel. Rena lives in some war torn country, and sells firewood for a living, alone since her husband died. Three white Serb virgins, pursued by some military leader and all out asshole, hide in Riffel's home. She enslaves them, making them chop the wood. She also massabes their young nude bodies with lineament, and sleeps with each of them in turn. They also enjoy nude baths. Before it is over, and Riffel sells them into prostitution, we see everything from everyone. The three white virgins are played by Elena Tanchenko, Eva Nemeth and Lucie Haluzik.

The video is still awaiting 5 votes. Although it has lots of nudity in decent light, the sound track alternates between accordion beer garden music, and flute solos that nearly put me to sleep. Even worse, when they remastered the film for DVD, they squeezed a 16 x 9 frame into 4/3 fullscreen, turning everyone into toothpicks. This, without the format mistake, is a C, given Czechsploitation as the genre.

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  • Elena Tanchenko (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Eva Memeth (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
  • Lucie Haluzik (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
  • Rena Riffel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Out for a Kill (2003):


    I think I can give you a pretty good idea whether you would like this movie. Here's a key scene. A bunch of Chinese gangsters enter a strip club in single file. They all line up near a wall, then turn and face the club, armed with various firearms. Standing in that very neat column, they blast away with their weapons for an impossibly long time, until every corner of the club and each of its customers is riddled with bullets. Then they turn silently 90 degrees toward the door, and march out in single file. The camera shows us that one customer is still alive, having survived by hiding behind a mini-stage. Unfortunately for the survivor, one of the Chinese gangsters returns to the room, and proceeds to blast him to bits.

    There you have it. Filmed entertainment at its paragon.

    If you haven't made up your mind yet, I guess I ought to tell you that the film was directed by Michael Oblowitz and stars Steven Seagal, whose career has been fully resuscitated in low budget straight-to-vid reductions of his earlier theatrical movies. As I write this, the big fella has three more movies in the pipeline, and seems to maintain a solid fan base on indeterminate size. Could you guess from the title that it was a Seagal film? He previously made films called Out for Justice and Hard to Kill.

    Did I mention that Seagal plays an archeology professor with a Ph.D. in ancient Chinese civilizations? Sadly, Carrot Top and Anna Nicole Smith were not available to come to Paris to do their cameo appearances as Pierre and Marie Curie. Big Steve is one mighty tough schoolmarm, as he manages to waste not one member of the Chinese mob, but all of them, and perhaps 20% of the entire Chinese population in the process.

    What else can you say? Except that the jumbo-sized martial artist is now approaching Brando proportions, and spends much of the the film wearing a muu-muu.

    To be fair, there were some scenes in the film that looked pretty darned good. There are two frames in the movie page which demonstrate some competent filming as well as Seagal's current waistline and wardrobe. He looks OK when he can drape himself in the long coats, but that is not practical for the fight scenes.

    Out for a Kill isn't all that bad for a straight-to-vid, assuming you have reasonable expectations of a Seagal movie. It is far better than the previous Oblowitz/Seagal collaboration, The Foreigner, which was a muddled and often incomprehensible jumble of bad dialogue and confused plot.  Out for a Kill is at least a minimally watchable genre film.

    In fact, although there are no ratings at IMDB yet, I would guess that this film would probably be about equal to the films in the middle range of his career, as shown in the "Middle third" group in the IMDb rankings below. In the new milennium so far, Seagal has churned out one film in the "IMDb Worst 100 of All-time", and two others that are very close to membership in that notorious club. This film, therefore, in spite of its faults, must be considered a comeback, and his best since the watchable Exit Wounds.

    Top third

    1. (6.29) - Executive Decision (1996)
    2. (6.19) - Under Siege (1992)
    3. (5.73) - Get Bruce (1999)
    4. (5.39) - Exit Wounds (2001)
    5. (5.19) - Above the Law (1988)
    6. (5.00) - Marked for Death (1990)

    Middle third

    1. (4.90) - Out for Justice (1991)
    2. (4.90) - Under Siege 2  (1995)
    3. (4.90) - Glimmer Man, The (1996)
    4. (4.90) - Hard to Kill (1990)
    5. (4.90) - My Giant (1998)

    Bottom third

    1. (4.32) - Fire Down Below (1997)
    2. (4.13) - Patriot, The (1998/I)
    3. (3.95) - Half Past Dead (2002)
    4. (3.68) - Foreigner, The (2003)
    5. (3.63) - On Deadly Ground (1994)
    6. (3.48) - Ticker (2001)  (72nd worst of all time)
    • Kata Dobo. She did a topless scene but the camera is not focused on her at the time.
    • some stripper with store-bought assets (1, 2)




    Scarlet & Black (1993):

    Scarlet & Black is a BBC series made from a Stendhal novel. In other words, read my comments on Tipping the Velvet and The Camomile Lawn - same principle applies: you can look at titties in a guilt-free environment, guised in the comfortable cloak of distinguished period drama. You can even invite your wife and her sexy sister to watch with you, and they can look at Obi-Wan's light saber in the safety and comfort of your living room.


    Mulholland Falls (1996):

    This Chinatown wannabe is a pretty good flick (here are my comments and Tuna's), but is still not available on Region 1 DVD, and is not available in a widescreen version in any Region.  I guess we don't care that much about the movie, except for three words:

    • Jennifer Connelly topless (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)



    Monica Cruz Paparazzi:

    Additional topless paparazzi shots of Penelope Cruz's look-alike sister (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)



    Shauna Sand Paparazzi:

    Paparazzi shots of Shauna and Lorenzo Lamas. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)






  • Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.



    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

  • Graphic Response

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Amy Sloan
    (1, 2)

    The Canadian actress bares breasts, plus brief views of pubes and her bum in a spirited sex scene from "X Change". Sloan can be seen next in a small role in the upcoming Hollywood flick "Timeline", directed by Richard Donner.

    Michèle-Barbara Pelletier
    (1, 2, 3)

    Sabine Karsenti
    (1, 2)

    Vikki Walker
    (1, 2)

    All 3 ladies are nekkid in scenes from the Canadian movie, "The Favorite Game" (2003). Great breast exposure by all 3, plus Karsenti and Walker show brief frontal nudity.

    Victoria Silvstedt The 6 foot tall Swedish mega-babe topless in scenes from "Boardheads" (1998).

    Elizabeth McGovern
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    Skin-meister 'caps of McGovern topless, and showing some very brief gyno-shots in a rape scene from "Once Upon a Time in America" (1984).

    Scoop and Tuna both loved this movie (click here for their comments), but I just watched the recently released DVD of the the full version the other day and personally, I don't understand the appeal.

    Perhaps it's a generation gap thing. For one thing, epic tales like this were made 'back in the day', but don't really exist anymore in today's short attention span movie making world. For another, the concept of gangs and organized crime have very different meanings for Gen-Xer's (or whatever people my age are called now). Our gangs pack Tech-9's, do drive-bys, wear plenty of bling, then get record deals and make millions. Besides, if you ask anyone my age about "the mob", we automatically think of Brando as the Godfather, and DeNiro and Pesci in shiny suits.

    As for this movie...there were some scenes with great acting by Robert DeNiro and James Woods (along with some serious over-acting too), but as a whole, for me it was just long winded, slow and at times almost painfully dull.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    I'm For Huffington; Got Hungarian Goulash? - Taco Bells in California are allowing customers to buy a vote in a poll for governor. For their "Recall Election Taco Poll," between now and the election, every Beef Crunchy Taco purchased will be counted as a vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis will get a vote for every Chicken Soft Taco sold, and each Grilled Stuft Burrito sold will count as a vote for one of the 134 other candidates.

  • It's not specific, it's just a way to tell both Gray and Arnold to get stuft.
  • If you order a small drink of water, that's a vote for Gary Coleman...(CAREFUL!) If you like Mary Carey, order the pink taco.
  • This could be more accurate than the California punch-card ballots.
  • The fact that Gray Davis is represented by a soft chicken taco should tell you why he's in trouble.
  • Denny's has a more accurate poll: over there, Gray Davis is toast.

    Beer And Power Tools Don't Mix - Barry Davis of West Bend, Wisconsin, was charged with driving his riding lawn mower while drunk, after an officer saw him swerving and nearly going into a ditch. Davis admitted to drinking a six-pack of beer but said he didn't know driving a lawn mower while intoxicated was illegal.

  • In Texas, mowing while intoxicated is punishible by death. Just ask Hank Hill.
  • He was also charged with driving through a wheat field and mowing an obscene crop circle.

    Yailhouse Rock - Norwegian Elvis impersonator Kjell Henning Bjoernestad -- or "Kjell Elvis," as he's known professionally - set a new world record Wednesday by singing 100 Elvis songs over and over non-stop for 26 hours, four minutes, 40 seconds. He had planned to sing for 30 hours, but his throat was so burned out, he stopped shortly after breaking the record. When he stopped, the crowd in the bar where he performs cheered and handed him roses.

  • To thank him for stopping.
  • He wanted to go longer, but after 26 hours, the crowd said it sounded like a broken record to them.

    Bootylicious: See "Bada-Bing Girls" - The newest edition of the Oxford Dictionary of English came out Thursday, and some new words have been accepted. They include "Muppet," "Reality TV," "SARS," "Muggle," "Brazilian" (as in "bikini wax"), "blonde moment," "bootylicious" and from "The Sopranos," "bada-bing" (shortened form of "bada-bing, bada-boom.") It's the name of the strip club on the show, but the ODE defines it as an exclamation used to emphasize that something will happen effortlessly and predictably.

  • You know, like a "whacking"...That made it into the dictionary last year.
  • The editors didn't want to accept it, but a guy paid them a visit, and...bada-bing.
  • If you live in Jersey, "The Sopranos" is "reality TV."

    And Belushi Spins In His Grave - Thursday on Hollywood Boulevard, Universal Pictures marked the 25th anniversary DVD release of the anarchic comedy "Animal House" by recreating the movie's parade. It included a cast reunion, an ROTC squad, an interruption by the "Deathmobile," and a climactic food fight. But things are different now: instead of real food, participants hurled foam food replicas to avoid any injuries.

  • I can just hear the Deltas coughing their reaction to that...*cough* blowjob *cough*.
  • Did they at least make it out of beer foam?!
  • Foam?! Have you read the warning label for foam?!...It's not even biodegradable!!
  • All the animals in the house today have been neutered.