Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (1972)

This film is more commonly known as Eye of the Black Cat, and the second half of it is a modern adaptation of Poe's short story The Black Cat. The first half is in typical Italian giallo territory, with a succession of very bloody murders committed with a sharp blade and seen from the killer's POV. Put together, it is a typical drive-in second or third feature from the early 70s, of the sort that the Italians churned out in mass production for their own second-tier theaters as well as international distribution.

The plot centers around the usual pompous aristocrats, the Count and Countess Arrogante, who have a bickering loveless marriage. The film's first two murder victims are the count's mistresses, so the police detective comes around to do some detecting in the general direction of the count, particularly since the first victim was killed on a night when she told people she was headed for an assignation with the count. The film tries very hard - in fact, too hard - to sell the count's guilt by making him:

(1) an abusive alcoholic;

(2) a violent man who threatens his wife with a knife to the throat;

(3) demonstrably insane. The insanity is fairly obvious. Although he fancies himself a writer, he is seen doing the whole "Jack Torrance at the Overlook" schtick of typing the same sentence over and over again. We become even further convinced of his instability when we hear all of his babbling about his late, beloved mother.

Of course, we know that the count could not have done it, because ... well, what the hell kind of mystery would that be? It was, of course, the countess who did MOST of the murders (I'll explain in a bit), and she almost gets away with them except that ... well, read the Poe story for the general denouement.

There are many strong elements of this film, but every time I want to like one of these gialli, the writer and director give me about a score of reasons not to. Here are a few of the more obvious ones:

  • The film begins with a total time-waster which has virtually nothing to do with the main plot. The count invites some local hippies to dinner at the Castle Arrogante, and they end up performing some scenes from the Italian equivalent of Hair. One of them dances naked on the dinner table while the others sing a merry, hippie song in its entirety.
  • That the the first of many completely irrelevant scenes used to pad out the film's running time. The most blatantly unnecessary involved several minutes of motocross racing, featuring a completely extraneous character.
  • Although all of the early murder victims are the count's mistresses, the first victim was killed at a time and in a place that eliminated the countess as a suspect. So what's the explanation? The detective explained, "oh, it turned out that her boss killed her. I ran a check on him and it turned out he was a mass murderer from Palermo who enjoyed killing women for fun." Perfectly logical explanation - it was basically just a typical Italian small town with two serial murderers competing with one another for all the hot chicks. You know there are so many serial murderers in Italy that it isn't possible to grant them a territorial monopoly. It's a free market, and I assume there was just too much competition in Palermo.
  • I'm joking of course. In fact, quite the opposite seems to be true. Although the common folk wisdom holds that the Italians are violent people, I find that hard to believe since it is clear to me that no Italian film director has ever seen real blood at any time! They always use that bright red-orange stage blood.
  • In one of the murders shown from the killer's P.O.V., the director forgot to have the killer wear gloves. Forget about fingerprints on the murder weapon - that's a minor issue. The key point is that we could see the killer's hands! This sort of ruined the whole point of setting up the count as a red herring, since we could tell that the murderer was a woman.
  • When the countess finally confesses, she claims not only the murders seen on camera (except the one done by the competing serial killer down the block), but several murders that happened before the film started. It turns out she also killed the count's lamented mother, the Black Dahlia, the Zodiac victims, and probably Cock Robin. It seems like it took her about six minutes of running time just to confess all her crimes. I think she was just reading from the phone book for a while.

Yes, it's a hippie musical. Yes, it's a sports movie. Yes, it's a sex film. A slasher film. A Hercule Poirot murder mystery. A psychological horror story.

Who was it that said it is not possible to be all things to all men? That sumbitch never saw this movie!


Credit goes, as usual, to NoShame video for yet another magnificent restoration. This one was restored and remastered from the original vault negatives, and it is absolutely pristine. It probably looks better now than it did during its premiere. Perhaps you just love these nostalgic drive-in flicks from the early 70s, or Edwige Fenech's breasts, or the spooky and often syrupy symphonic music, or all the really terrific touches that these Italian B-movie directors layered into their movies. I don't blame you. While this is not a great movie, it has many good moments and some great scenes. If this is your kind of material, I recommend the DVD transfer whole-heartedly.

Edwige Fenech

Anita Strindberg

Angela LaVorgna

the hippie chick from "Hair Italia!"

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Well today we wrap up our extended look at "The Godson", a 70's sex extravaganza with just a tad bit of plot thrown in.

Today it's all about Lois Mitchell. In the promo's for the movie, she was touted as the next great star...Funny part is, this is her only screen credit at IMDB. Maybe she just decided this was not for her.

If body parts would make a star, then she qualified. She has gorgeous breasts and a furry bush. The first 4 caps are from the movies opening screen credits and then on to some serious love making with Rocco (who got to lay just about every babe in the movie). Maybe it was the bullet in the head in the last 'cap that discouraged her from doing more movies.

Lois Mitchell

Crimson Ghost
First up from the Ghost time soap actress Gladys Jimenez shows off her robo-hooters in scenes from the direct-to-vid Stephen Baldwin flick, "Bound by Lies" (2005).

Gladys Jimenez

Next up, Skinemax babe Landon Hall bares breasts and bum in scenes from an episode of the late night cable series "Intimate Sessions".

Landon Hall

'Caps and comments by Oz:

"18 Again"
Connie Gauthier has a brief appearance in 18 Again (1988) as a naked artist's model. No nudity by Anita Morris just a bit of sex appeal.

Connie Gauthier

Anita Morris

"Circle of Friends"
A brief breast flash by Saffron Burrows in Circle of Friends (1995) and a bit cleavage by Minnie Driver.

Saffron Burrows

Minnie Driver

"The Toy"
Lots more cleavage by Teresa Ganzel in The Toy (1982).

Teresa Ganzel

"Nobody's Fool"
Some nice breast exposure by Drenda Spohnholtz and Melanie Griffith in Nobody's Fool (1994).

Drenda Spohnholtz

Melanie Griffith

'Caps and comments by Spaz:

"The L Word" season II episode "Luminous"
Shane picks up a pair of lesbian twins played by models Sarah Penikett and and Stephanie Penikett. They are also the twin daughters of Canadian politician and former Yukon Premier Tony Penikett.

Penikett Twins: bra-less pokies and then having webcam sex.

Cobie Smulders: tight t-shirt.

"Dead Like Me" pilot
Very funny dark comedy about the undead. It also provides some rare faceshots of stunt babe Laura Boddington best known for her role as female counsellor #2 in "Freddy vs. Jason".

Mashiah Vaughn Hulbert: very tight sweater

Carin Moffat: partial boob having sex.

Rebecca Gayheart: sexy.

Laura Boddington: faceshot only.

Laura Boddington: topless in "Freddy vs. Jason".

"Killer Deal" (1999)
Movie which takes place in 2009 and is about rich people buying organs from the poor or even stealing them outright. Yeah, right.

Terry Nicholas: legs and cleavage

Tara Samuel: tight sweater

Ellen Dubin: slight pokies

" ma soeur!" (2001) aka Fat Girl
Very controversial movie but what's overlooked is Mrs. Atom Egoyan plays the mother of the two daughters.

Arsinee Khanjian: open dress getting ravaged

. "Kika" (1993)
One of the few movies with a comedic rape scene.

Veronica Forque: nude love scene, then getting ravaged.

"The Outer Limits": episode The Box

Maria del Mar: tight t-shirt.

Julie Patzwald: ditto.

"Rescue Me"season II episode Shame
Callie Thorne sports some extra hard pokies through her tight t-shirt and flimsy brassiere.

Callie Thorne: pokies.

Cleaning up my harddrive...

Shelley Thompson: leg in "Trailer Park Boys" episode Propane, Propane.

Michele Magny: partial boob in "Les fleurs sauvages" (1982).

Mariette Levesque: bra-less pokies in "Tanya's Island" (1980).

Vejiita serves up a nice variety of babes from the first few episodes of the early 90's series "Eden".

Barbara Alyn Woods

Darcy DeMoss

Diana Barton

Kristen Fontaine

Elizabeth Lambert

Jill Pierce

From the Skin-man, here is ultra-cure Brit Joanna Page in scenes from "Love Actually" (2003).

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Van Morrison's Contractual Obligation Album, including .mp3s. It makes Bill Shatner's Transformed Man seem like the work of Mozart.
  • "Van Morrison sat down in 1967 or so and cranked out 31 songs on the spot, on topics ranging from ringworm to wanting a Danish, to hating his record label and a guy named George."
  • My own personal favorite cut: "You say France, and I'll whistle."

Evel Knievel is the ass-kickingest man in the entire known universe, and if you don't agree with that ... he'll kick your ass.

Film Jerk's Early Report for October 16. "This week's Early Report covers the 63 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday October 19 and Friday November 11."

The wife of prominent defense attorney and TV legal analyst Daniel Horowitz has been murdered in their home.

"SUNNIS FEAR ANGELINA JOLIE COULD BREAK UP IRAQ" ... Demand Provision In Constitution Banning Actress From Gulf State

The Patriots fall to 3-3. The rest of the season ain't gonna be easy, either. They still have their six division games coming up, but their non-division opponents include the Monday night game against the mighty Colts, plus the Chiefs, and resurgent Tampa Bay

Stros win again. Backe did what he had to do, held the fort for Qualls and Lidge. The Cardinals are now down 3-1 and their next three games will be against Pettitte, Oswalt and Clemens - starting with one more in Houston! They are in some very deep doo-doo.

Wow - the Vikings really are that bad. How do you lose 28-3 to a team which can only amass 192 total yards? That required some effort. To begin with, Culpepper averaged 4.9 per attempt, no scores, two picks. Beyond that, it took much more than one man. The team made plenty of errors to help him out.

A new episode of South Park airs Wednedsay. Topical as ever, the lads take on the New Orleans crisis.

  • "A global warming state of emergency is declared in South Park. The world's largest beaver dam breaks and floods the adjacent town of Beaverton. As the victims wait for help to arrive, everyone in South Park tackles priority number one: who is to blame?"

A scene deleted from The Family Guy (Great clip. The first part was aired, but hold on for the deleted part.)

You gotta love that wacky Asian humor - real Polar Bear terrifies a little girl in a baby seal outfit.

"When they were open for business, they'd flip an address sign over that read 'Crack house'. "

Wisconsin's Roadkill Museum. It is in the basement of a funeral home. The museum is closed during funerals.

"The Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding story is now an opera."

  • And those Europeans think we don't love opera. Well, take that, Johnny Culture - or should I call you Giovanni Culturo, or maybe Johann Kultur, or maybe just by your real name - Ivanko Kultura - you commie! Between this and "Springer," I think we've shown those continental pansies a thing or two about musical elegance.
  • By the way, the Springer opera can actually be blamed on the U.K. As a sidelight, one of the guys to play the part of Jerry Springer in the West End was the guy who played Hutch on TV's Starsky and Hutch! He can be seen in the BBC film of the production.

Nelson remembered 200 years after Trafalgar. Today is the 200th anniversary of Nelson's defeat of the Napoleonic fleet, a brilliant victory which cost him his life.

  • There are basically two men responsible for this web page being in English rather than French. One was Nelson, who destroyed French naval aspirations. The other was General Kutuzov, who never had the wherewithal to defeat the French army in battle, but outsmarted Napoleon at every turn, left him to starve and freeze in an abandoned and burned Moscow, and eventually sent him back to France with his tail between his legs, accompanied by only a small fraction of the 600,000 men he brought with him to Russia. Because Russian historians didn't get much input into English language history books, Kutuzov's name is generally forgotten except by scholars, while Nelson's name is familiar to every schoolboy, but the Russian general could conceivably have been the single most influential man of the 19th century. Nelson was a hero, but he faced only 33 ships. Let's be honest and say that 33 boats, more or less, could not have decided the entire fate of the Napoleonic Wars. But Russia's total extermination of the Grande Armee did just that. Napoleon could and did go on to far greater glory after Trafalgar, but he would never have been defeated at Leipzig, and Waterloo never would have happened at all, if the original Napster had still had the 600,000 men he left in Russian graves and prisons.

Weekend Box Office Results, October 14-16, 2005

  • Led by three weak new releases, the total box was down 19% from the same week last year.
  • Two of the three new films performed well below expectations.
  • The Fog performed just about at par with expectations, which is amazing considering it is a remake and had the worst reviews of the three new films. It seems to me that the strategy of not pre-screening it for critics was effective - and cynical, since they obviously knew what a lemon it was and tried to make as much lemonade as possible. Cynical or just practical? That's a matter of spin. Bottom line: it worked! Given the film's modest $18 million budget, it appears that The Fog will break even or better. It may even be highly profitable. If it grosses $35 million in the USA, it will cover production costs, thus hauling in a profit from DVD, overseas, cable, etc.
  • I doubt that The Fog will gross $35 million, even though it is now on target. On the average, films made for adults finish with 3X the opening weekend. (Kids' movies do better.) One would think that poor word of mouth will drop this one below the 3X average. But so it does only $27-$30 million? As our President would say, "Mission accomplished."
  • A note on the wide range in predictions for Elizabethtown. The Weekend Warrior makes his predictions on Tuesday, and he had to do so without seeing the reviews. The Box Office Mojo guy waits until Friday, and was able to make a much more accurate prediction with more facts at his disposal.
  • The Gospel also tanked, dropping 60% on week two, after its rousing and surprising start. The initial marketing blitz could only carry it for a while. Word of mouth failed to support that initial push.
  • Clooney's Murrow movie continued to kick ass, indicating that people will still go to movies if they are worth watching (96% good reviews). In expanding from 11 screens to 69, it was able to maintain some spectacular revenues per screen, and finished 16th for the week. It took in more on 69 screens than Emily Rose took in on a thousand!
  • Similarly, Wallace & Gromit and A History of Violence, other films with 90% positive reviews, also performed well. Wallace & Gromit dropped only 27% from last week. A History of Violence actually improved from 9th last week to 8th!


Italy has chosen a winner for the contract to build the world's longest suspension bridge - one that will link Sicily to the mainland. (Will take 6-7 years to complete)

The White Sox pitchers are making it look easy.

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