Tuna wrote in last week with the following update:

"They are still trying to adjust my medication. My heart rate is stable, and the trick is to reduce medications to get rid of my dizziness and fatigue without having the heart rate climb. I will be on disability for some or all of August, and they are contemplating a cardio-covert, and angiogram, a sleep study, and who knows what else. I asked him outright if this was as good as it gets. He said it was possible, but he hoped not."

 If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Tarzan, The Ape Man (1981)

The most scholarly film historians agree that there are two distinct types of films produced by John and Bo Derek:

  • The crappy ones in which Bo takes four baths.

  • The even crappier ones in which Bo only takes three baths.

Unfortunately, it is not clear which category Tarzan belongs to.

There are three undisputed baths:

(1) When the explorers find the "inland sea," Bo says, "I'm going to take a bath." Ka-ching.

(2) When Bo is captured by the Evil Africans, she is bathed by Evil African Women before they paint her white. (Because to Africans, Bo Derek is just not white enough.)

(3) When Bo is rescued by Tarzan, she is bathed by Tarzan and a chimp, who scrub off all the Evil White Paint. Interestingly, the evil white paint seems to be edible, because the chimp seems to think it tastes mahvelous. This raises a complex set of questions about mankind's development in Africa. Did Evil Africans develop Evil Edible White Paint first, or did they start with Evil Poisonous White Paint, and later change in response to circumstances. Or did they start with Good Edible White Paint, only changing to the Evil Brand Paint after they themselves became evil? Or were they always evil? Or did the evil paint itself make them evil?

These questions may never be answered because, frankly, we can't even answer the bath question.

You see, in addition to the three clearly identifiable baths, there is a scene in which Bo goes for a skinny dip behind a boat in an African river. Is this just a pleasure swim, or is she bathing? The script offers no clues, and I fear we may never know for sure, despite the dozens of Ph.D. dissertations written on the subject.

Despite Tuna's cynicism, I guess it is possible to argue that Tarzan, the Ape Man is the greatest of all John and Bo's works. Many cogent arguments have been advanced to support this assertion, the best of which are summarized in the following list:

1. It stars the greatest actor to take a major role in any of the four films - Richard Harris, when he was still in his acting prime and still a major A-list star. (Tarzan was made the year before Harris played King Arthur in Camelot.)

2. When things don't go his way, Richard Harris curses the heavens and shakes his fist at God. All right, I know that Richard Harris does this in every role, but that's pretty high-falutin' stuff for a Bo Derek movie.

3. The final credits sequence - a romp with Bo Derek, Tarzan, and an Orangutan - is actually very charming. In fact, as Tuna noted, the Orangutan turned out to be a better actor than Richard Harris, or at least a more subtle one.

4. It is rated highest of the four films at IMDb.

5. It is the only one of the four films which was not scripted by John Derek.

Although Tarzan may indeed be the best of the four films, I recommend Bolero if you want to watch one. Bolero is completely fatuous, but you don't watch a Bo Derek movie to discover deep existential truths. The crucial fact of the matter is that Bolero has more explicit nudity from Bo, and the DVD is a beautiful transfer. The Tarzan DVD is a bit grainy, and Bo never delivers a nice, clear, unobstructed frontal.

Bo Derek

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Well the price of fuel went down here a little this week so we filled up the old Time Machine and went back to 1983 for a Spanish horror flick called "Panic Beats". It's a Paul Naschy movie written, directed and starring this horror legend whose real name is Jacinto Molina.

Now of course the real reason for these caps is for the gobs of nudity that Mr. Naschy usually manages to get into his movies. We have three women in this one who get totally naked and show it all. Don't pass it by because they are all worth a look.

First up is Carol Kirkham who is being chased and murdered before the opening credits even roll. Rather bloody this scene but she is stark naked.

Carol Kirkham

Next in my opinion is the real reason to see these caps Paquita Ondiviela. This young lady is drop dead gorgeous with nice natural tits and a fine looking bush.The bedroom scene where she drops her robe is awesome.

Paquita Ondiviela

Last but not least today we have our final babe, Silvia Miro and of course she too shows it all and has a very nice body.

Silvia Miro

New in theaters! Here are the assorted nekkid babes from the new flick by Rob Zombie, "The Devil's Rejects".

A curious note for fans of the horror genre....Roger Ebert gave this 3 stars! (Click here for Ebert's review)

The very beautiful model and actress Florence Vanida Faivre topless in a love scene from the French movie "Chok-Dee" (2005).

Camilla Overbye Roos and Laurie Baranyay are both topless in scenes from the Eric Roberts movie, "Intoxicating" (2003).

Mr. Nude Celeb
Jane Adams and indie film QueenParker Posey both show off their A-cups in scenes from "The Anniversary Party"

'Caps and comments by Striplight:

Serie Galante, part deux.

First up is Cecile Fleury in "My Fair Dolly". She's a marionette who, when appropriately wound up (this is with a key, nothing to do with a stressful commute) takes her clothes off. Cecile seems to have been in a number of other things too, including the Emmanuel series. Well, nobody’s perfect.

Cecile Fleury

Following along is Christine Krug (I think) in "Book Lovers”". She's caught in a clinch in the romantic section.

Christine Krug

Then we have Kimberley Cowell in "Missing". (Not actually sure of this again as the films don’t give a list of players against their roles). She's visiting the doctor, sitting in the waiting room when her pearl necklace breaks. Of course, she has to make a pretty thorough search to find out where those pearls have bounced along to…

Kimberley Cowell

Finally, I've redone the "Petite Fugue" film as a two parter, you get a better look at Maeva Lefebvre in these...

Maeva Lefebvre

By the way, for those interested, here's a link to a fairly basic site that has more info abou the Serie Galante films.

'Caps and comments by Oz:

Starting with the soft core, we have Surrender (1998). There is the briefest of bush by Brandy Davis and the rest is also revealed by Kim Dawson, Catalina Larranga, Sandi Kelley, Kira Reed, Jamaica Charley and some I couldn't identify.

Brandy Davis

Kim Dawson

Catalina Larranga

Sandi Kelley

Kira Reed

Jamaica Charley


"The Spanish Apartment"
Judith Godrèche wears some naughty underwear in The Spanish Apartment (2003).

Judith Godrèche

"The Adventures of God"
Staying with the Spanish, we have a naked Flor Sabatella in The Adventures of God (2000).

Flor Sabatella

A little further east and we have the Greek film Backdoor (2000). I couldn't identify the topless women and the IMDb wasn't any help.


"Carry On Again, Doctor"
No nudity in Carry On Again, Doctor (1969) but there is some cleavage by Valerie Lyon, and Barbara Windsor is wearing very little.

Barbara Windsor

Valerie Lyon

"Dukes of Hazzard"
The Dukes of Hazzard was never a show I'd regularly watch but if Catherine Bach dressed like she did in the episode titled One Arm Bandits (1979) then things would have been different.

Catherine Bach

"My Son the Fanatic"
A stripper flashes her breasts in My Son the Fanatic (1997) and Rachel Griffiths is not wearing much.


Rachel Griffiths

A bit of cleavage by Meg Ryan in Innerspace (1987).

Meg Ryan

"It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time"
Some nice topless nudity by Anne-Marie Sten in It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time (1975) and we see a brief view of a topless Stefanie Powers from behind.

Anne-Marie Sten

Stefanie Powers

"Return to the Batcave"
Return to the Batcave (2003) was based on the original TV series of Batman, including the original actors. Nikki Schieler Ziering is topless but nothing is visible and there's plenty of sex appeal by Elisa Marchand.

Nikki Schieler Ziering

Elisa Marchand

"If Looks Could Kill"
More sex appeal by Carole Davis in If Looks Could Kill (1991).

Carole Davis

No nudity in Imposter (2002). Madeleine Stowe looks good and Ellen Bradley shows her maternal instinct.

Madeleine Stowe

Ellen Bradley

"The Conversation"
The briefest of nipple by Elizabeth MacRae in The Conversation (1974), with Teri Garr just looking good.

Elizabeth MacRae

Teri Garr

The topless nudity in Caddyshack (1980) comes from Cindy Morgan and an unknown topless bather. Sarah Holcomb is down to her underwear.

Cindy Morgan

Sarah Holcomb


"Things Behind the Sun"
Kim Dickens and Alison Folland are both topless in Things Behind the Sun (2001).

Kim Dickens

Alison Folland

"The Parole Officer"
We see Lena Headey's breasts in The Parole Officer (2001) with a bit of sex appeal provided by Emma Gilmour, Kate Deakin and some unknowns.

Lena Headey

Emma Gilmour, Kate Deakin and Unknowns

"Full Ride"
Meredith Monroe takes a swim in her underwear in Full Ride (2001).

Meredith Monroe

"The Patriot"
Brief topless nudity by Simone Griffeth in The Patriot (1986).

Simone Griffeth

"Under Hellgate Bridge"
Jordan Bayne is topless in Under Hellgate Bridge (2000) but not much can be seen.

Jordan Bayne

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
"CHARLOTTE Church released an unexpected hit single - as she accidently flashed a boob on holiday." Yeah, yeah, all well and good, but where is the picture, dammit?

Worstest Album Covers Ever, part III

The origins of Expressions & Sayings

Bad News Bears, as reviewed by the dean of all film critics, Filthy.

  • "It's one of the great tragic stories, really. Right up there with Beowulf and Richie Rich."

Film Jerk's Early Report for July 24

"SWIFT BOAT VETS MISS ATTACKING KERRY" Life Without Negative Ads Devoid of Meaning, Vets Complain

Tour de Lance: Last sip of Champagne

You think clowns are scary now? Wait until you see a Russian clown!

Here's a new site for baseball nuts: This Great Game. I enjoyed reading their annual summaries, but I wish they went back beyond 1900.

Drive-in theaters are making a comeback in Texas. Texas peaked with 388 drive-ins in 1955, and now has only 18. Their resurgence could turn Joe Bob Briggs into the Roger Ebert of tomorrow.

A Weird Al classic - Amish Paradise Music Video

Top three hold their places at the Weekend Box Office - July 22-24, 2005

  • I've never seen a week in which the new releases were so thoroughly rejected by the public. I had suggested earlier this week that Weekend Warrior's predictions for new releases might be light. Boy, was that wrong! They were actually too high.
  • The week's major disappointment was Michael Bay's $122 million The Island, which has two attractive and competent stars and received respectable reviews. It opened with $12 million - a disaster of Alexander proportions. What went wrong? Well, I don't know but I talked to my youngest son on Wednesday and asked him if he was going to The Island. His answer? "What's that?" When I told him, he thought it sounded pretty good. He pays for 2-3 movies a week, so I have to think the marketing for that movie was way off.
  • Let me just mention in passing that Michael Bay seems to be collecting on the bad karma he earned by not allowing Scarlett Johansson to show her breasts in this movie, even though she wanted to.
  • The other two big releases were really no stronger. Bad News Bears and The Devil's Rejects pulled in about the same revenues per screen as The Island.
  • Some of the smaller newcomers to the Top 10 did OK. Hustle and Flow had solid numbers (#2 in revenues per screen) on a thousand screens, and that penguin thing again performed quite well, this time on 700 screens.
  • Wedding Crashers was the big success story. It dropped only 23% from last weekend, which would be good for any period, but is extremely impressive this week, because overall revenues for the top twelve films dropped 15% from last week. That means that Wedding Crashers almost held its share, dropping only two points - from 22% of the aggregate last week to 20% this week.



Some Vets Condemn 'Wedding Crashers' Website. (They object to the fake cut-out Purple Heart)

Israeli technology firm Blue Security has set up a scheme to batter spam websites with thousands of complaints.

Penn & Teller say Bullshit! to conspiracy theories.

"The Original Mr Floatie At City Hall". When you are searching for a costumed turd for your party, protest, or event, look for the bow tie and accept no substitutes. Only the ORIGINAL Mr Floatie is guaranteed to be 100% Da Shiznit. Word.


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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